The perfect custody agreement

[Conservative Hippie]

I want my daughter raised a certain way. He agreed with that when we were married.

One thing that is hurting her is she can't do any type of activity that takes place regularly on a weekend, Her Dad moved an hour away and with every other weekend it means she misses it half the time.

She misses a lot of birthday parties too. I feel really bad about that. It's not going to kill her but I wish it didn't happen as much!

This particularly strikes a chord with me. My parents got divorced when I was 9, and it was not "friendly." My dad had us every other weekend, and I wasn't allowed to go to birthday parties, sleepovers, anything like that on "his weekends." Well sometime around age 13 I refused to visit my dad anymore. I guess they could have forced me, but they didn't, and both of my brothers still went.

I have heard of the children living in one house and the parents switching out, and I love it. IMO, you decided to get divorced so you should be inconvenienced. Don't punish your children by shuttling them around and making them feel like pawns.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...

I have heard of the children living in one house and the parents switching out, and I love it. IMO, you decided to get divorced so you should be inconvenienced. Don't punish your children by shuttling them around and making them feel like pawns.

This requires that the two families support three households. A great option for the wealthy - not so much for anyone else. It isn't a matter of convenience, but practicality.

 

[mickeysgal]

My parents divorced when us kids were adults...in fact when I was having my first child over 20 years ago. To this day, my mother still tries to control how we visit my father. She does not think his wife (yes, he cheated and then married her, of 18 years) should not go out to dinner with us, basically not be involved in anything because she sees it as our personal time with him. In my opinion, it's more about each side wanting control and less about the activity/thing in question and using the children as a means to exercise that control.

What I've seen others do is lay out what college costs are reasonable...public vs. private...how many years of college they're willing to pay...cell phone cost limits, car expectations at age 16, car maintainance, car insurance costs, etc.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

The religion item struck a chord with me. If I were getting a divorce, with a child and my ex stuck something about having to raise a child a certain religion or denomination and limited the number of visits to another place of worship?

Uhm. No. No way. No how. Not now. Not ever.

Especially not as the kid got older and could make his/her own decisions and wanted to go with friends to a different place of worship, etc?

Say it says, I don't know, for purposes of argument, Church of the Mouse Ears.

What if I have a religious conviction 12 years down the road and go join a different religious body? I still have to drag my agitated child down to the Mouse church and drag them into it, even if I think everything they say is hogwash? Even if the child hates it and thinks it's hogwash?

It if works for OP and her ex, fine by me; that's their freedom of religion as well, but personally? Never in a million years, and I'm guessing you'd be hard pressed to find an American judge who would enforce it or not allow a parent who wanted to change such a stipulation to do so.

 

[kellyg403]

I only have 3 basic things. Full custody, At 10 years every other Christmas, and when NCP lives more than 100 miles away he pays all travel expenses. Ex spent 3 christmas mornings at my house so he could also see them open their gifts. Everything else, we work on. And it isn't always a happy conversation for either one of us.

As for support, the only two requirements it is allotment from military pay (and I only did that after he missed several payments) and if he is more than 500.00 in arrears he does not get the tax deduction. That saves us both from a hassle. We have been divorced 11 years and I have never asked for an increase in child support and he has never lost a deduction.


Kelly

 

[golfgal]

I want my daughter raised a certain way. He agreed with that when we were married.

One thing that is hurting her is she can't do any type of activity that takes place regularly on a weekend, Her Dad moved an hour away and with every other weekend it means she misses it half the time.

She misses a lot of birthday parties too. I feel really bad about that. It's not going to kill her but I wish it didn't happen as much!

Um, isn't she HIS daughter too??? WOW.

 

[mt2]

In my brother's divorce decree he had it written in that he or his ex couldn't move more than one county away from each other. If either one did then they lost their part of custody of the kids. This has driven my Ex SIL mad. She wanted to move to MI to get back at my brother even though she had the affairs.

Some judges in N TX are saying the same thing with divorcing couples whether they ask for it or not. I remember reading about how some parents (both moms and dads ) have had to turn down promotions because when they went back to court to ask permission to move the judge said no. "The child(ren) need access to both parents not money."

 

[ChattaAlley]

Amen!!!!!

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I crafted mine when my DD was 2 and we left a lot of things out for older years. I get along fairly well with her Dad now so thankfully we can negotiate most things.

I WISHED I had put in something about him not having sleepovers with his girlfriends while my daughter was staying there.

I agree with the sleepovers part. I have seen that become a major issue with divorced parents. But I have to ask the question....DisneyScraps, I got the impression from some of your previous posts that you live with your boyfriend. Shouldn't that policy work both ways?

 

[PollyannaMom]

Years ago, we were acquainted with a couple who had divorced and had a son. Their custody agreement was very unusual--but we thought it was great, provided one has the means to do this.

Their son lived in a modest home--he didn't move around, but his parents did, each living in "his" house according to their custody schedule. The mother had her two weeks with the boy, then the father had his, etc. The boy never had to leave his home. Lucky kid!

...I have heard of the children living in one house and the parents switching out, and I love it. IMO, you decided to get divorced so you should be inconvenienced. Don't punish your children by shuttling them around and making them feel like pawns.

This requires that the two families support three households. A great option for the wealthy - not so much for anyone else. It isn't a matter of convenience, but practicality.

I babysat years ago for a family that did this. They kept the house that they had previously all shared, and rented a small, no-frills apartment. Each week, the parents would just trade places. (It was, in fact, cheaper, since the second place did not have to accomodate the kids.) I was actually proud of the adults for taking all the hastle on themselves and minimizing the impact on the children.

So, he agreed when you got married that he'd have no say in the way in which his daughter was raised?

I don't think we're talking about no say at all. I just get the impression that she's Catholic, and her husband agreed when he married her that it was OK with him for any children they had to be raised Catholic. It's pretty common, I think. (In fact, I agreed to the same thing, because religion is important to my DH's family, but not to mine.)

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I babysat years ago for a family that did this. They kept the house that they had previously all shared, and rented a small, no-frills apartment. Each week, the parents would just trade places. (It was, in fact, cheaper, since the second place did not have to accomodate the kids.) I was actually proud of the adults for taking all the hastle on themselves and minimizing the impact on the children...

Did they not move on with their lives? Find new lovers?

A couple capable of working out this solution probably could have continued to share the same house.

 

[Bunnyfeather]

I have heard of the children living in one house and the parents switching out, and I love it. IMO, you decided to get divorced so you should be inconvenienced. Don't punish your children by shuttling them around and making them feel like pawns.

Not everyone who is divorced chose to get divorced. And I am already inconvenienced in a million ways by my ex's midlife crisis and all the fallout of that, thanks. But I can't afford to support 2 homes. What's more, how does that even work with a blended family? I think it is a fine idea in theory, but in reality my kids will benefit much more from having a normal family life in their two homes than by being protected from the transitions a divorce brings to the table.

Some judges in N TX are saying the same thing with divorcing couples whether they ask for it or not. I remember reading about how some parents (both moms and dads ) have had to turn down promotions because when they went back to court to ask permission to move the judge said no. "The child(ren) need access to both parents not money."

Yes, I have seen this become a real problem. Because it isn't always a promotion, sometimes a parent is faced with a choice of moving or losing their job entirely. And it isn't entirely true that the children don't need money, because there is a monetary cost to housing and food and clothing. Luckily, ex and I saw this clause rip a family apart, so we both agreed it would not be a part of our divorce agreement.

 

[luvmy3]

This requires that the two families support three households. A great option for the wealthy - not so much for anyone else. It isn't a matter of convenience, but practicality.

I could never do that, if dh and I ever divorced, I'd need the proceeds from the house to move. I think its a great idea if you have 2 working parents who both can afford seperate mortgages or rent because they make close to the same amount of money, but when one is a SAHM that isn't an option. If I have to go back to work, I'd make about 1/5 of what my dh does and something tells me if I divorced him, he wouldn't be so willing to foot the bill for both places

I don't have plans for a divorce but if it did happen, I would hope we could put aside any pettiness and agree on the important things. I trust my dh's judgement so I wouldn't feel the need to dictate things like haircuts and curfews. As long as when its all said and done, we had equal time with our kids, I'd be happy. I would want to be the custodial parent since I would be the one to take care of all the daily things I do now for them, so as long as he was in agreement with that, all would be good.

 

[Baileymouse]

Is your ex a different religion than you and your daughter? Why would you include the not going to another church thing?

My DS was raised Catholic (I'm Catholic, husband isn't but supports it) but his friends are all different religions. He's attended bar mitzvahs at both Conservative and Reform temples, he's attended services supporting Lutheran and Methodist friends (for things like boy scout events) and he's even gone to see Mata Amritandandamayi in NYC, they call her the hugging saint, because his uncle follows her. Now that he's older he's attending a heck of a lot of weddings for people of all faiths. I would think that if I told my son that he couldn't attend services at another church I'd be passing on a message that someone else's religion was beneath his, and I'd never do that. DS is still a Catholic at 26, so exposing him to other views didn't hurt him any.

I think the problem with most divorces, and I am the child of divorced parents, is that people don't put the children first. I have seen couples who have done that, who have gone as far as to buy a 2 family house so that they are both living with the children while maintaining separate households, and I applaud them for that. The tit-for-tat back and forth stuff hurts the children more than anything.

 

[sasywtch]

Um, isn't she HIS daughter too??? WOW.

(it didn't quote all the message-regarding the daughter going to the dads and missing parties at home).

Yes it's his daughter but the bigger picture is, while it may be your time as a parent they need to keep in mind that the child also has a life that may inconvienence the parent time.

I really shouldn't get into this thread as my kids are now all over 18 but I went through years of this with 4 kids. My ex when we were married was a great dad. Little League president, Disneyland every year etc. Met some 21 year old and bam.............he never wanted that life type of thing. He had the kids over twice overnight in 2 years. He would take them for a few hours but then bring them back just before dinner time telling me he couldn't feed them. (18 years later, she just kicked him out him and my youngest son who is 21 are living together). He had another daughter a year younger than my youngest son so that caused jealousy with my daughters as they didn't see their dad so much.

To get back to the comment: My daughter was into softball and gymnastics. Had been pre-divorce. She was very good, on the junior olympic team for gymnastics and very good at softball. He wouldn't help pay, the courts said he didn't have to so gymnastics was out the window. Softball--she was on a traveling team. He refused to take her to any practices, games nothing if it was his weekend. He told her to either give up softball or him. What a thing to tell a 10 year old. I bawled that he had become this person. We had another divorced couple on the team. When it was his weekend, he made the ice chests with drinks/lunch, got all her equipment together and mom showed up with her stuff as a spectator and vice versa. So yeah, it may be his daughter too but that doesn't mean the child's life should be on hold to accommodate the dad but the dad (or mom) should be accommodating the child. When it's "your time", it shouldn't mean that it's a forget what the child is doing, it's what I want to do type of mentality. It means being a parent and that means if they have activities, it's your turn to drive them, if they don't have activities, you plan something. The kids shouldn't give up their life for the parent.

8 years later, daughter is in the Hall of Fame in Florida and now ex husband is just so proud of her. (gag me). He never paid a penny for any of the traveling fastpitch expenses which costs alot of dollars, no pictures of any kids but wanted some. Years later, daughter who is now 28 remembers him giving the altimatum.

Be prepared for all those who are divorced and especially if one parent isn't involved much. Kids tend to gravitate to the parent who wasn't involved to try to make sure that parent does love them. My kids are all adults now and spend a lot of time with thier dad. They come to me to complain that when they are there, he's spending time with his new family and ignoring them or sent his new kid to Hawaii or whatever but yet, they continue. It's something I have to suck up and they need to find on their own. It's a normal process but it's still hard on me right now.

Add school photos to the paperwork and especially senior year costs. I paid for all 4 kids and he expected photos which I gave him since I'm not that mean. Alrighty, I need to get off this subject as you can see, still strikes a major cord. Good things come. It was my Bday yesterday and all kids and grandkids went to chinese which my youngest son hates. I was surprised he showed up to spend money on food he hates. They love me, I love them, all is good.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

*snipped*

Be prepared for all those who are divorced and especially if one parent isn't involved much. Kids tend to gravitate to the parent who wasn't involved to try to make sure that parent does love them. My kids are all adults now and spend a lot of time with thier dad. They come to me to complain that when they are there, he's spending time with his new family and ignoring them or sent his new kid to Hawaii or whatever but yet, they continue. It's something I have to suck up and they need to find on their own. It's a normal process but it's still hard on me right now.

My dad was not very involved at all, and I know he left my mom with expenses that they had agreed to share (braces, other medical bills, etc.). I didn't see or talk to him very much when I was growing up, after I quit my regular visitation when I was 13. However, once my own kids were born, we had a talk and now we talk on the phone several times a week, and he comes to visit for a week every year. My mom does not like it. I guess she thinks that I should still be mad at him for being unsupportive, etc. But he isn't a bad guy, he just wasn't a good dad. We have a good relationship now, and I think my mom feels like I'm betraying her. My mom and I talk all the time, and she comes to visit nearly every other weekend, and I still feel like I have to apologize for the one week out of the year she can't come visit because my dad is here.

 

[noahynav]

(it didn't quote all the message-regarding the daughter going to the dads and missing parties at home).

Yes it's his daughter but the bigger picture is, while it may be your time as a parent they need to keep in mind that the child also has a life that may inconvienence the parent time.

I really shouldn't get into this thread as my kids are now all over 18 but I went through years of this with 4 kids. My ex when we were married was a great dad. Little League president, Disneyland every year etc. Met some 21 year old and bam.............he never wanted that life type of thing. He had the kids over twice overnight in 2 years. He would take them for a few hours but then bring them back just before dinner time telling me he couldn't feed them. (18 years later, she just kicked him out him and my youngest son who is 21 are living together). He had another daughter a year younger than my youngest son so that caused jealousy with my daughters as they didn't see their dad so much.

To get back to the comment: My daughter was into softball and gymnastics. Had been pre-divorce. She was very good, on the junior olympic team for gymnastics and very good at softball. He wouldn't help pay, the courts said he didn't have to so gymnastics was out the window. Softball--she was on a traveling team. He refused to take her to any practices, games nothing if it was his weekend. He told her to either give up softball or him. What a thing to tell a 10 year old. I bawled that he had become this person. We had another divorced couple on the team. When it was his weekend, he made the ice chests with drinks/lunch, got all her equipment together and mom showed up with her stuff as a spectator and vice versa. So yeah, it may be his daughter too but that doesn't mean the child's life should be on hold to accommodate the dad but the dad (or mom) should be accommodating the child. When it's "your time", it shouldn't mean that it's a forget what the child is doing, it's what I want to do type of mentality. It means being a parent and that means if they have activities, it's your turn to drive them, if they don't have activities, you plan something. The kids shouldn't give up their life for the parent.

8 years later, daughter is in the Hall of Fame in Florida and now ex husband is just so proud of her. (gag me). He never paid a penny for any of the traveling fastpitch expenses which costs alot of dollars, no pictures of any kids but wanted some. Years later, daughter who is now 28 remembers him giving the altimatum.

Be prepared for all those who are divorced and especially if one parent isn't involved much. Kids tend to gravitate to the parent who wasn't involved to try to make sure that parent does love them. My kids are all adults now and spend a lot of time with thier dad. They come to me to complain that when they are there, he's spending time with his new family and ignoring them or sent his new kid to Hawaii or whatever but yet, they continue. It's something I have to suck up and they need to find on their own. It's a normal process but it's still hard on me right now.

Add school photos to the paperwork and especially senior year costs. I paid for all 4 kids and he expected photos which I gave him since I'm not that mean. Alrighty, I need to get off this subject as you can see, still strikes a major cord. Good things come. It was my Bday yesterday and all kids and grandkids went to chinese which my youngest son hates. I was surprised he showed up to spend money on food he hates. They love me, I love them, all is good.

I just wanted to tell you that I feel so bad for what you have been through. It sounds like you are a great mother and that your children know that. They are lucky to have you.
My parents never married and broke up when I was still a baby. My father was not there for me nearly as much as I needed him to be, but I still experience the same thing you are talking about with your kids, the need to seek his approval and attention for things. I can't help it, and you are right, it is our way of reassuring ourselves that our father still loves us. My father went on to have 4 more children with his current wife, and while I am not a jealous person really, it does sting sometimes to see all the things he does for them that I never had from him.
The bottom line is most of the time these situations really take their toll on kids, it writes on their souls, it changes who they are, I think. It makes me so sad, it's not the kids fault.

 

[livie1205]

I agree with the sleepovers part. I have seen that become a major issue with divorced parents. But I have to ask the question....DisneyScraps, I got the impression from some of your previous posts that you live with your boyfriend. Shouldn't that policy work both ways?

Thats intresting...does he leave when you have your kids? Dont get me wrong I have no problem with long term bf/gf living together (my dh and I lived together with our boys for over a year before we got married and had dd) BUT you cant do the same when you want to stop your ex from doing the same...I can see if it was dif girls in and out (that helped my ex loose all custody along with other things) but if its a long term thing and healthy then I do not see a issue with it.I get if some women have a issue with the other women if one is involved but after your divorced you really dont have a say in what women is his choice.

 

[cassandrap83]

I say 'pretend you're still married'. If you would normally ask your spouse about something before doing it while married, you should still ask now. If you wouldn't normally ask, then you shouldn't feel like you have to ask now.

 

[eebadeeba]

How do you handle when someone cancels parenting time? I am the residential parent, and in our agreement he has every other Sunday for 10 hours. If he cancels for a Sunday, then I am expected to just keep them. He does not get a babysitter for them. But if I need a babysitter for any of the time that I have them, then I have to pay. Has anyone else handled this situation? It just really irks me that this is his attitude. It is kind of a mute point now, since he has moved and doesn't see them at all. I want him to pay for a babysitter when he is supposed to have them, but he does not make enough to cover that at this point.