The Misadventures of our Family Circus

[cnetbuild]

In July 2013 we rented a Villa for 4 weeks so we could experience what it might be like to be a Disney Local someday instead of a Disney Tourist. We had such a great time we are going to do it again in 2014 - but this time? It will be a 37 day adventure! I wanted an area where I could share stories about our planning, get advice from others, and tell funny stories from our previous trips, so, here I am!

A little information about me. I'm Dad to three children: daughter (20 and in college), son (14 and in high school), and son (10 and in elementary). My wife loves Disney as much as I do. The boys have disabilities (ADHD, mild autism, and some Tourette's) so we tend to use humor as a way of dealing with stress.

I have a dream of moving out of New York State and heading south. Perhaps we'll make the move when I retire? Or perhaps sooner. It is my career aspiration to retire someday and get a job at Walt Disney World as a boat hand on one of the transportation boats. I don't want to be Boat Captain because that is too much responsibility for someone in retirement. I just want to be the guy that ties the boat to the dock.

As I have explored the idea of moving to Florida, I have heard four negative points:
(1) Hurricanes
(2) It is too hot
(3) Insurance is too high
(4) Florida is a nice place to visit, but too many move to Florida and expect it to be a vacation and forget that life happens.

Concerning Hurricanes, in the last three years? New York State has been hit with two. And Florida has been hit with none.

Concerning the insurance is too high? I live in one of the highest taxed regions in the US. The savings in property tax, income tax, and sales tax would more than offset any increase in insurance costs. Besides, I have heard from some who have moved to Florida already and their recommendation? Shop around for insurance.

The concern about the heat seems valid. We went to Disney in June in the 90's and I remember it being painfully in the 100's. We decided to really test the heat. In 2011 we went to Florida for two weeks in July. During those two weeks, it was actually hotter in New York than it was in Florida! And the same was true during our 2013 trip when we stayed 4 weeks in Florida.

Last year, our Florida trip tested the fourth complaint: living in Florida is very different than vacationing in Florida. For this test, we rented a house for a month and try living there. I arranged to work while in Florida. I transformed one of the bedrooms into my office, and took all my office equipment. We shopped in Florida, dealt with all the daily life issues, killed bugs, drove in the traffic, and got an understanding for what it means to live there. And we tested the concern about the heat by going right in the middle of summer!

If we might not move to Florida for a very long time, why perform this test now? Because I was able to get permission from my boss to work from Florida during the summer. And I don't know if I'll ever have an opportunity like this again. And if moving to Florida isn't a good idea? I'd like to know now so I can make different plans.

Soon, I will post entries describing our 2013 trip from my journal, I will post funny stories about previous trips, and I will share all the planning that is going into making this 2014 trip be awesome. For now? I'd love to hear from others who have a dream of moving to Florida someday, and from anyone who has actually done it!

TABLE OF CONTENTS



======== 2009 ========
2009: Vacation Story: Holiday Road (Family learns about the 2009 vacation)
2009: Vacation Story: Pea Green Station Wagon (Shopping for a van for the trip)
2009: Vacation Story: Half Pint (Driving to Disney... kind of)
2009: Mission to the Moon (a journey filled with adventure a peril)
2009: Into The great Frontier (Will we make it to Disney?)
2009: Lost (We made it, now what could go wrong?)
2009: I See Dead People
2009: The World of Walt (The design of a modern theme park)
2009:The Journey Home
2009: Conclusion

======== 2010 ========
2010: The Windshield and the Schmuck (Car maintenance)
2010: Blow Out

======== 2011 ========
2011: Wedding at Disney (Renewing vows in an affordable way)

======== 2012 ========
2012: Preparing for the trip (As we were celebrating Christmas, little did we know what was headed our way)
2012: Driving Into The Blizzard (We decided to hit the blizzard head-on!)
2012: Cannon Ball Race To Florida
2012: Race to the Finish Line (Who will get to Florida first?)
2012: Fire Alarm
2012: Broken Toe
2012: Boca Raton
2012: No Seasons
2012: Driving Home

======== 2013 ========
2013: How To Rent A Villa (You can save a lot of money and be very close by renting a house)
2013: How to afford a long Disney stay (It might not be as bad as you think)
2013: Preparing the Vehicle (Is your car ready?)
2013: Crisis the Night Before Leaving (Not a great way to start vacation)
2013: Heading to Florida
2013: Days Inn
2013: Linda Fired Me (What happens when you make poor hotel choices)
2013: Bugs In The South
2013: The Villa
2013: Starship Troopers (Villa invaded by bugs)
2013: A Light Shower (How bad can a tropical storm really be?)
2013: Water Damage (I never thought I would get shot while on vacation)
2013: Trip to Walmart
2013: Winter Garden
2013: Magic Kingdom (dealing with the summer heat)
2013: Brazilian Blonds at Animal Kingdom (Did I mention my wife takes karate?)
2013: Epcot (Death my Malestorm?)
2013: MGM Studios (dealing with a rainy day)
2013: Fork and Screen
2013: Dunkin Donut Flu
2013: Wildside BBQ
2013: Disney Quest
2013: Does Jesus Eat At Wendys
2013: The Flood Before The Storm (It's not my fault!)
2013: Book of Poo (The trip to Clearwater Beach)
2013: Ohana (also known as, how I caught malaria)
2013: Yeeha Bob
2013: Splendid China and 2U
2013: Pain In The Back
2013: Epcot Pavilions
2013: Construction In Florida
2013: Universal
2013: I See Stupid People
2013: BBQ Restaurant Challenge
2013: Last Trip To Disney For 2013
2013: Packing To Go Home

======== 2014 Health ========
2014: Getting in Shape (Can you physically handle Disney?)
2014: Running Program
2014: Health Check in
2014: Health Check-in

======== Summer 2014 Planning ========
2014: We reserved our villa!
2014: Planning To Do List (So much to do, so little time!)
2014: Money Diet: Outback Ranch Dressing
2014: Pin Trading (Add more fun to your Disney trip)
2014: Planning Universal City Walk (A day at Universal with no park tickets)
2014: Driving Versus Flying
2014: Saving The Memories (what to do with all those pictures?)
2014: Expensive Trip (How expensive is it to stay a month at Disney?)
2014: Planning the Schedule
2014: Groceries
2014: Activity While Driving To Florida (Love is an Open Door)
2014: Character Breakfast Reserved
2014: Myth of Staying on Property
2014: Dinning Off Property (Yes, there is a world outside the Disney gates)
2014: Gettysburg on the way home
2014: The importance of shoes
2014: Fourth of July Plans
2014: Space Bags
2014: Real Estate
2014: House Sitter
2014: Dauphin's Statue of Liberty
2014: Magic Bands are Ordered
2014: Magic Bands Arrive
2014: Fathers Day
2014: Escaping From Tomorrow
2014: Packing for 37 Days
2014: Marathon Packing
Things to do before heading to Florida

======Summer 2014 Trip Report =====
Driving Day One (What did we forget?)
Driving Day Two (An allergic reaction)
Arrived in Florida (I just heard lightening)
Settling into the Villa (It cost how much?)
Discipline of a well run schedule (Time for Miniature Golf)
Yeeha Bob (But can we get our medical prescriptions filled?)
July 3 Fireworks
July 4 Fireworks (And the Sci Fi Fourth of July)
Magic Kingdom (and the broken air conditioner)
What would it be like to live at Disney? (the exploding wine bottle)
Animal Kingdom (Ant Invasion!)
Winterland Golf (What? No maid service?)
Hollywood Studios
Disney Quest (anyone want a snack?)
Magic Kingdom (850,000 points on Buzz Lightyear?)
Snow Storm in July (and a Cupcake Rant)
Frozen Funland is a hit
Alien Abduction
I need an ark
Visiting the Pod People of the Truman Show
Life is not Castles and Princesses


====== Christmas 2014 Trip========
Christmas 2014 Trip
Visiting Disney during Christmas

 

[Jmariab64]

You'll be living my dream! Good luck and please let us know how it goes!

 

[cnetbuild]

~~Going back in time to my 2013 journal~~

All we needed to do was find a house. And to my wife's credit? She did a great job.

If you search for house rentals near Disney World, you’ll find hundreds upon hundreds of them. Near Westgate, between Formosa Gardens Blvd and Old Lake Wilson Road, there are many subdivisions with street after street of vacation rentals. All of these are very close to the Disney property, and you can get to most parks in a ten to twenty minute drive.

There are many other subdivisions around the Kissimee area. And while they all look tempting, you must remember that traffic around Disney is heavy. It can sometimes take 30 minutes to go 10 miles. And while having Interstate 4 nearby seems like an advantage? Most people avoid I-4 due to the congestion.

To make our selection, we first developed a list of everything we needed and awarded points to each item. For example, it was essential the house had four bedrooms, so that would get a high score. A fifth bedroom was nice, but not necessary, so that received a small additional score. I really wanted a breakfast nook and a front yard facing bedroom. We needed TV’s in all the bedrooms. A game room in the garage was nice. Access to a park. A private pool. Location. And of course, price. All of these received points based upon our priority. We also delivered negative scores if the location had bad reviews.

We then searched and scored the properties. Because there are so many to choose from, we only picked the properties that had a perfect score and narrowed the list down to only a dozen.

We then contacted the owners to check for availability, tried to understand the rental agreements, understood all the fees and restrictions that were involved, etc.

As we further narrowed the list, we did checks on the owner and the property to make sure the taxes were paid. As we made our final decisions, we studied all the pictures to understand the house floor plan. We looked at google maps for a satellite view of the property. For us, it was very important to set our expectations about the house – we didn’t want to walk through the door and be disappointed.

After agreeing to the rental, we paid for everything through a credit card. The use of a credit card is good because (A) it can aid us should we need to dispute the charges, and (B) we use a Disney credit card that awards us points!!

Selecting the right house was stressful. But after we arrived, we knew we had made the right decision. We had never rented a vacation house before. But now that we have been through the process? I would not hesitate to do it again.

 

[cnetbuild]

The 2014 trip is shaping up! We reserved our villa (which is a fancy name for a house) for June 30-July 31. The villa has 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, and a private pool. The cost, including cleaning, taxes, and security, works out to be $93.75 per night. This villa is just a block away from our 2013 villa. That means from driveway to walking through the gate at Animal Kingdom is only 15 minutes. The owners claim this villa is positioned so we can see the fireworks at night.

Even though a ton of research went into selecting this villa, it was difficult pressing the button for our first $1000 payment. I have read so many horror stories that it is frightening to imagine showing up to a house that might be a wreck or foreclosed. But we know the Indian Creek neighborhood from our trip last year. And all our research says this is a safe buy. So, we pressed the button and made our first payment.

Now the race begins - all the planning necessary to relocate a family for more than a month. All the planning for the trips into Disney. We only have three and a half months to pull it all together.

What would you do if you needed to relocate your family to Disney for a month? What would you take? What arrangements would you need to make? What would you have to do for your house and pets? Any advice?

 

[cnetbuild]

~~From my 2013 Journal~~

I have ha many people ask how we could afford going to Disney for a month. I will share with you some of our secrets!

First, our Disney Visa Credit card. We have the extra point program and charge everything we purchase. We earned enough points in two years to pay for our Disney year passes! That means we are visiting the parks for free!

Next, we visit Down Town Disney a lot. Down Town Disney has no admission fee. We also visit the Disney resorts and tour them. They don't have admission fees either. And there are free shows, for example: Yeeha Bob at Riverside, magicians at Boardwalk, and nightly movies under the stars - all free!

We had a house with a full kitchen. So, we bought groceries like we normally would, and ate two or three meals at home per day. Compared to staying at home? No additional cost.

As part of our normal budget, we go to the movies about once per month and eat out once or twice (sometimes more) per week. We transferred that normal spending pattern to Disney. We did, admittedly, splurge on some Disney dinning experiences and those contributed to the cost of the vacation. While I am glad we had those experiences, I would skip them next time and thus save on a lot of the restaurant costs.

We normally do a summer vacation - either Myrtle Beach or Florida. That is part of our yearly budget that we save for. We learned that for the cost of a hotel room for two weeks? We could almost rent a house for a month! Renting a house is a lot cheaper than hotels. When renting a house there are many options with many price choices - we just had to find one that fit our budget.

In addition to house rental and restaurants, we drove our van 2,500 more miles than we normally would have. That gasoline cost us an extra $370.

You could drive from New York to Florida without stopping (20 hours) but we get a hotel along the way. I got great deals on hotels - I found a HoJo for $47! The hotels added to our vacation cost.

We extended our vacation with several stops. South of the Border is a free stop. The USS Yorktown required admission. Hershey World is free, but has some optional activities that you must pay for. And touring the Gettysburg battlefields is free.

Going to Florida for a month isn't cheap. But we were able to do things that kept the costs under control. House rental, hotels, gas, and some restaurants totaled up most of our vacation cost. But we used our credit card points, transferred our normal spending habits, and rented a house to help keep costs low.

 

[cnetbuild]

If you are planning a trip to Disney, one thing you should do is plan to get in shape! To get the most out of your visit you will be walking most of the day for miles, often in extreme temperatures carrying a child or a heavy backpack. If you aren't used to doing a lot of walking, Disney can take a toll. You want to get your family in shape as early as possible. That means finding time in a busy schedule for some long family walks around the neighborhood. That’s right! Include the kids. Because when the kids wear out they stop having a good time, and pretty soon you’ll be “one of those parents” yelling “I paid a lot of money for this trip and you are going to be happy!” while the kid is dragged behind the parent exhausted.

I put on 35 pounds in the year leading up to our July 2013 trip. While that additional weight didn’t hold me back, it is difficult carrying extra weight in the heat and humidity of Florida. I was often exhausted at the end of the day, and toward the end of the trip I experienced a back injury.

I was determined to improve for our 2014 trip. Shortly after returning home from our 2013 trip, I started to diet and exercise. No gimmicks – just eat less and hit the treadmill. I have lost that 35 pounds and I am going after some more! Best of all, I feel great. I am ready to walk all day no matter how hot it gets.

There are many things to plan to assure you have a great time at Disney. Don’t forget to plan for the physical exertion.

 

[cnetbuild]

If you are driving to Disney, it is important to make sure your vehicle is well maintained and ready for the trip. Right now our radiator is leaking, but I have three months to get that fixed. The following is from my 2013 journal:
~~~~~~
Leading up to the 2009 Florida Trip, we were having van problems. The mechanic was working on the van right until we were ready to leave. And on the way to Florida the van broke down leading to a terrific family vacation that I wrote about in Our Family Vacation story.

Since then, we got a new van: a 2009 Dodge Caravan. The van has taken us on many vacations and trips. But leading up to this particular trip, the van has been having problems. First, problems with the shocks. Then, problems with the shifter. The shifter would be very hard to shift into Park. Sometime we would have to jiggle the shifter to get it into park. I took the van to the garage two times and as of yesterday? We were still having problems. So, without an appointment, I showed up to the Dodge garage and told them they needed to fix the problem because I leave for Florida tomorrow morning.

After looking at the van for several hours, I received the news: The hydraulic valve in the transmission was bad. It requires the transmission to be taken apart and repaired. The process will take all day. Luckily it is covered by our warranty (we paid a kazillion dollars for a huge extended warranty because Dodge vans are crap as they age).

This is starting to sound a lot like our 2009 trip! As soon as the van gets out of the shop we are going to start packing it in preparation for leaving tomorrow morning!

 

[cnetbuild]

We have went to Disney many times, but, our trip in 2009 was the most rememberable. So lets travel back in time and pull a chapter from the story Our Family Vacation.

~~2009~~~

Ahhhhh... memories of Clark Griswold's cross-country trek to Wally World dance through my head. Loading the family into their new pea-green
station wagon, Clark headed out into classic movie history. Who can forget that theme song?

There I was, sitting in a meeting at work when conversation drifted off topic and onto Disney. "Have you seen the great deal Disney is offering?"
Nick mentioned. "Buy 4 nights, get 3 free. It includes park tickets and a $200 gift card for only $1200!"

Immediately, my mind raced through the financials. I have used a Disney Credit card for years, earning 1% toward a Disney vacation. I had built
$1050 worth of points. That, plus the gift card equals FREE DISNEY VACATION!

It took absolutely no convincing Linda - she would live at Disney if she could. If we could simply get to Disney, we could have a free vacation. The
economy is difficult, so, our goal? Minimize costs. We'll drive instead fly. And eat picnic lunches, pop-tarts for breakfast and McDonald's dollar
meals for dinner. Driving would be 48-hours of “stop touching me!” caged quality family time. I was on the fence about affording the trip, so, I
asked Linda to book it (before the vacation offer expired) during the February break so long as we could cancel it. This would allow us to think
about it. We could take our time to weigh the costs and consider our options.

Before Christmas, Linda booked the vacation. While at the Disney web site, she selected an offer to have Mickey Mouse call the kids on
Christmas to wish them Merry Christmas!

On Christmas morning, while the kids were unwrapping gifts and the Disney Parade is on TV, the phone rang and it was Mickey Mouse. We put Mickey on speaker phone: "Merry Christmas Kids! I just heard you are coming to visit me at Disney World. I look forward to seeing you then!"

My jaw dropped - what did Mickey just say? The kid's eyes lit up and they screamed "We are going to Disney!" My jaw was still dropped – what did
Mickey just say?

"We are?" I asked in disbelief. We had simply made a reservation, but hadn't decided. I guess Mickey made the decision for us – as far as the kids
were concerned: we were going to Disney!

My daughter used her new cell phone (Christmas Present) to immediately text to all of her friends “We are going to Disney!”

Our phone rang again. This time it was our friend Jennifer. “I hear you are going to Disney for the February Break”

“Uhm, yep. I guess news travels fast.”

“I just talked to my husband,” Jennifer explained, “and asked if we could go with you and he said we could!”

This was very unexpected. It’s great – we’ve known Jennifer for 12 years, her daughter is best friends with our daughter, she’s the godmother of
one of my sons. My delayed enthusiasm was the slow realization that something out of my control was happening very quickly. This Disney dream
was suddenly a done deal and I still hadn’t had my first cup of coffee.

“We can stay at the same resort and have adjoining rooms,” Jennifer suggested.

“Oh…,” I tried to process what I was hearing, “I… I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” My youngest son can be a bit of a terror and difficult to control.
He would easily victimize our friends. Besides – we aren’t early risers. We usually get to the Disney parks around noon or 1 in the afternoon.
Jennifer is a rise-and-shine kinda 7am person.

“Don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine. I’ll just tell Disney that Linda and I are sisters.”

The movement of time during the past days (or has it been weeks?) is a blur. You can’t simply go to Disney – this is a major event requiring
significant planning. Where are we going? What are we doing? How do we get there? What time will Donald Duck be standing on the corner of the
park we’ll be attending and what angle will the sunlight be to obtain the perfect photograph of our children hugging Donald and screaming “We
Love Disney!”? All this has to be carefully and meticulously planned in advance. Does the Turkey sandwich at the ABC Commissary at the
Hollywood Studios Park (formally MGM) have tomatoes? Because we don’t like tomatoes and can you special order one without? You need to
know these things weeks in advance of going! If the fireworks end at 8:30, will we return from the park in time to get Margaritas at the resort so we
can drink ourselves into a slosh before closing time? There are many essential things that must be carefully calculated and planned into precise
itineraries. Because if you don’t, you end up wandering through the flood of people, standing in massive lines, and never really doing anything.

Nearly 4 years ago, I wanted to go to Hershey Pennsylvania on vacation. I hadn’t had a vacation in years, and by God – this was going to be a
good one. To make the trip, we needed a van. So, we foolishly and impulsively purchased a piece of junk that had a big price tag. We bought it for
all the bells and whistles because it had the complete extra package. “Nice radio… good paint job… lets buy it!” The van has been nothing but
trouble, and we are still paying on the 5-year loan!

Jim (Jennifer’s husband) is an engineer and a hobby mechanic who has done repairs on our van. “Is your van going to make it to Florida?” he asked one morning at breakfast.

“If our van can’t drive another 3 thousand miles”, I proudly explained, “then we have bigger problems then whether or not it’ll get us to Florida!”

Jim is a good friend, so, he didn’t question the logic of my statement. He probably should have because we decided to get the van checked out to
make sure it could make the trip. The garage called back with a laundry list of problems and a repair estimate that made the dollars start to curl.

“You know,” Linda responded to my tirade at the estimate, “there are some great deals on new vans. We could trade-in the van and drive to
Florida in a brand new van!” A new van? What happened to keeping this trip cheap? I don’t like where this is heading….

Didn’t Clark Griswold go to Wally World in a brand new station wagon? All we need to do if find a pea-green mini-van and we’ll be all set!

‘Holiday Roooooo oh oh oh oh oh oh oad. Holiday Roooooo oh oh oh oh oh oh oad.’

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2009~~
The Search for the Pea Green Stationwagon

The search for the pea green station wagon. In the movie RV, Robin Williams traded plane tickets for an RV rental so he could take his family on a cross country journey. I imagined trading our broken mini-van for a new, giant van that had all the modern bells and whistles! Our current van was a giant mistake, and I was sure not to be taken by another salesman.

I did my research. I determined what I was willing to pay per month, how much I would put down, and how much I wanted for a trade-in. So, as we drove to the dealership, I lectured Linda on what we would and would not do. I would be in control of the deal this time. All Linda needed to do was stay quit let me do all the talking!

When we arrived, Linda dutifully let me be in control. I told the salesman I was interested in two vans: a silver 2008, and if we couldn't afford that, a blue 2006. After a test drive, he showed us a brand new red 2008 that had all the bells and whistles. "OK," I said confidently, "Let's see what the red 2008 would cost too."

Our Salesman, Mr. Tobacco, went to talk with his manager. I don't know why sales guys always talk to their managers, and leave you waiting for twenty minutes. I guess there is a long line at the manager's office, and our sales guy has to argue really hard for us.

Tobacco returned with two prices. "The new Red one is $430 per month."

I laughed, "OK, that isn't happening." I made it clear, I wanted the monthly payment to be under $250. "We are in luck then, the silver van is only $285 per month." Looking back, I understand the sales tactics. But sitting there at the moment, I didn't see what was happening. They knew we couldn't afford the most expensive van on the lot - this was just for contrast. Luckily it didn't work - I was on my game! "We can't afford that. Besides, you did 72 months on a used van, I'm not doing more then 60. Lets talk about that blue 2006."

Tobacco thought fast, "I don't want to sell you something you don't want. How can we make this work? Could you put more money down? Could you go to, say, $260 per month?"

At that point, I cracked. I looked to Linda and she gave me the "You are in charge, Mr. Man," look.

I looked back to Tobacco and without my knowledge, the initiative shifted to the salesman. He presented me something I wanted and then told me I couldn't have it - a standard salesman ploy and I fell for it! "OK," I offered, "Throw on another $500 down, but it has to be under $260/mo."

After another trip from the manager's office, Tobacco explained "I can get your payment between $240 and $259 if you go 66 months instead of 60."

I really didn't want to go beyond 5 years... but what's another six months? I looked to Linda and she was clearly taking a hands-off approach, "What ever you want, *dear*," she said sarcastically.

I had lost the initiative and was now nervous. "I need to take another look at the van." Linda and I went outside and looked the van over one more time, then returned.

"What did you decide?" Mr. Tobacco asked.

I still wasn't sure where this was going to land financially and had a hundred questions. "Let's try the 66 months" I started.

To my surprise, Tobacco stood with hand outstretched "Congratulations Mr. Gilbert on purchasing a van." I just did what? "How would to like to take care of the down payment?" Still shocked, I handed him my credit card. I guess we just agreed to buy the van!

The shock wore off and was replaced with excitement! We just bought a van! When Tobacco left with my credit card, I stood and did my happy dance 'we just bought a va-a-a-an!' I looked to my lovely bride to join the celebration and found her sitting with arms folded. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing," she frowned.

The celebration was crashing. "Come on! We just bought a van. We need to celebrate!," I explained.

Tobacco returned with my credit card receipt. "There are several people in line before you at the business office, so, I'll take care of all the details and call the bank on Monday so you don't have to wait." Gee, that was nice of him!

With that, Tobacco took us to the exit, congratulated us, and pushed us out the front door.

I was still living high from my celebration and doing my happy dance as we walked back to our car. "What did we just do?" Linda asked.

"We just bought a Va-aa-an" I sung.

We got in the car and started driving away. "Yes. But what did we just buy?"

"I don't understand the question."

"How much does the van cost?"

I couldn't understand why she was being so silly. "The van cost between $240 and $259 per month."

"Yes, but which one? What was the final price on the van? Does that include an extended warranty? What did we just buy?" The logic of her questions was depressing. "You broke all of your rules. You went longer than 5 years, you put too much down, and you went to high on the monthly payment. Do you know you are paying them $200 to take our trade-in?" Wow, was I in the same room with her? Why didn't I see any of this? "You are such a sucker and that guy just ripped you off!"

What happened? Sadly, I called the dealership’s business office and confirmed everything Linda had just told me. Linda continued to rub it in, "We don't have time to continue shopping. If we don't take this deal, we'll have to get the old van repaired!"

There it was... Mr. Man crumbles into his typical failure. And so it was. I canceled the deal and we decided to repair the old van.

When we returned home, I needed to take the van to the mechanic so he could begin the repairs. However, when I turned the van's ignition, the engine made two clicks and failed to start! Oh no.... I don’t like where this is going!

"Holiday Roooooo oh oh oh oh oh oh oad.
Holiday Roooooo oh oh oh oh oh oh oad."

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2009~~
The Little House on the Prairie tells the story of a family in the 19th century who traveled into the wilderness and created a home at Walnut Grove.
Their journey in a covered wagon seems completely alien to us today. Imagine what Laura Ingalls would have written about a modern day
journey… My father drove our covered wagon deep into the wilderness. For lunch, Ma broke out the Mikey-D’s and when night fell, Pa found a
room for us at the Comfort Inn. I wonder if our modern journeys across the nation will be viewed in 100 years the same way we view the Ingalls’
journey.

"I can’t make the school board meeting," I explained to Dean. "My mother is in the hospital and my van just broke down."

"I understand," said Dean." You’ll be in our prayers." And with that, the Board of Christian Education prayed for us at their meeting. I have never
doubted the power of praying – and the prayers offered by the board delivered the hand of God to troubled life. My mother’s heart rate
miraculously snapped into pace so she could come home. And the mechanic (who couldn’t find what was wrong with our van for the past 8
months) miraculously discovered what was wrong with our van. Our decision of whether to rent a van for the trip, buy a new Kia, or repair the van
was decided for us!

I happily picked up the van on the day we were leaving town, and expected the mechanic to be as excited about the repair as I was! "Well….", he
sighed, "We THINK we fixed it. We hope we fixed it." What was this? This wasn’t the message I expected. We were leaving in two hours! "The van
was sparking and arching – we fixed that. But the coils are all rusty so you might have problem from too much resistance. But you’ll probably be
fine. Have a nice trip."

I tried to ignore how deeply concerned I was from the mechanic’s reaction because I needed to pack the van.

Linda had packed nearly all our worldly possession into 37 medium to large sized suit cases. I had the pleasure of loading the van in a 60mph
wind storm! Regardless of the challenges, I pushed and I crammed and I got the van loaded. With the kids loaded into the van, we headed out.
…and twenty miles down the road, I hit a pot hole and a dash light came on. "Why is the ABS Break light on?" I asked. It turns out that pot hole
knocked our ABS breaks offline for al hundred miles. Thankfully, they came back online as we cross from New York into Pennsylvania.

The second day of our journey was going well as we sailed down the highway into North Carolina going much faster than the law provided for.
"What is that smell?" Linda asked as we approached a tractor trailer pulling a flat bed. "That truck is burning oil – you had better pass!"

I crammed on the gas and we started passing the truck. As we approached the tractor, our van was oddly sprayed with water coming out from
under the truck’s hood. "What the…" I reached for the wipers because I couldn’t see out the windshield. As I flipped the wipers on, I could hear
Linda yell "No… don’t turn on the wipers" but it was too late. I had them flipped on high and they were flapping back and forth before us.

"Why isn’t the water coming off?" I screamed – trying to keep the van on the road at the incredibly high rate of speed we were traveling while hugging the
side of the 18-wheeler.

"Because it isn’t water," Linda explained, "It is oil!" That tractor trailer wasn’t just burning oil, it was spraying oil too. I carefully guided our van
through the blurry windshield to the next exit – which was an incredible feat, I must admit, because I couldn’t see anything.

The exit had an automated car wash, so, we pulled up to the console. The console was blurry, scratched and difficult to read. I consider myself to
be fairly computer literate – in fact; I’ve tried to make a career out of it. But I could not get that console to take my credit card nor cash. After fifteen
minutes trying to cram my ten dollar bill into the machine, there were three or four cars in line behind me. I couldn’t back away from the car wash
because of the line that had formed, and I couldn’t go forward due to a gate blocking the car wash that waited for me to pay. What could I do? I
was stuck!

I entered the gas station to find a line that stretched around the store. When I finally reached the cashier and explained the situation, she said I
needed to buy the carwash from her. Why didn’t they have a sign that said that? By the time I returned to the car wash, there were seven cars in
line behind us and I could tell by their single fingered jesters they were upset at a stupid northerner – I just hoped it wasn’t me (since I was the only
northerner in sight). We went through the car wash with high expectations our windshield would be clean, but as we pulled away, the car wash
hadn’t cut through the oil!

I pulled over to fill the tank up with gas (15 cents off with a car wash!) but found there was no way to tell the pump I had just had a car wash. I went
back into the station to face the long line. I waited in line. And waited. And waited. Finally, I had my chance, "I already bought a car wash and I
didn’t get my 15 cents per gallon off."

"You have to buy the gas first," the lady explained in a slow southern drawl.

Behind me, somewhere in the long line that stretched around the
store, I heard someone say "Hurry up Yankee." Yankee?

"OK. But I bought the car wash first. I just want the 15 cents per gallon."

"No, you have to buy the gas first." She repeated.

The gentleman behind me explained "Friend, it isn’t that easy." I turned to give him my attention. "She would have to figure out the tax too."

I turned back to the cashier. "You can keep the tax. I just want my fifteen cents."

A dollar bill appeared from the gentleman behind me. "I need to get going. Just take this dollar," he offered.

"Thank you, but, she owes me a lot more than a dollar," I quickly did the math in my head, "she owes me a dollar and sixty-five cents." He produced a second dollar bill.

I could see I was going to lose this argument and I didn’t want to start Civil War II. "No… thanks. That’s OK." With that, I returned to the van
disappointed and with plans to quickly hi-tail it out of the area.

"Don’t get into the van until you fix the windshield," Linda complained. There were still streaks of oil.

"What do you want me to do?" I whined.

"Clean the windshield!"

I returned to the gas station to get a bottle of windshield wiper fluid. As I entered, I could hear the cashier say "There’s that Yankee again." Fine. I
guess I’m stupid because I don’t know you need to buy gas before you buy the car wash!

With the windshield wiper fluid and ample paper towels, I scrubbed the windshield until it was perfectly clean, and we headed back onto the road.
Ten miles up the highway, the van started to chug, then kick and buck! The dashboard started blinking like a Christmas Tree! What the heck! "This
is what the van was doing to me before we left," Linda explained. "When the engine light is blinking, we need to stop the van. We need to get off
the road!"

I took the next exit to a town named Lumberton and guided the van into small mini-mart gas station where we shut it off. "All we have to do,"
explained Linda, "is wait 10 minutes for the computer to reset, pray a lot, and restart the van." It sounded good… actually it sounded like our only
option. Unfortunately, that didn’t work.

I called AAA and explained the situation and the need for a tow. "We have five people in our van," I warned because I know we can’t stay in the
van while it is being towed.

"I am sorry sir. Only two people can ride in the tow truck," the AAA operator said happily.

"What am I suppose to do with the other three? Sell them?"

"I am sorry sir," she was completely not helpful. It was clear our next step was completely in our hands. We needed to find a hotel for the kids, and
then find a garage for the van, then find a car rental for us. With our plan set, we executed it. Using my wife’s cell phone’s internet connection, we
located the hotel, and then used our GPS to plot the fastest path.
We started the van and as it kicked and bucked us down the road. I felt like Han Solo in Star Wars flying the Millennium Fulken while under
imperial attack. "One miscalculation kid and we’ll fly right into a asteroid field and that would put a real cramp in your day," The GPS was yelling at
us to turn around. "It must be wrong" I yelled over the sound of the engine. "The hotel must be just down this road." But after a mile, when it was
clear we were headed into the wilderness, I turned the van around and decided to listen to the nagging GPS. Oddly, we found the hotel sat right
next to the minimart! If we had known, we would have walked the thirty feet to the hotel rather than try to drive the van two miles.

With the kids unloaded safely into a hotel room, I then unloaded the thirty-seven suitcases into the room. I found a garage that could look at the
van on Saturday. I found a place that could rent us a car on Saturday. And I called AAA to tow the van.

It felt odd seeing our empty van get loaded onto a flat-bed tow truck. The van was heading off 38 miles to a garage we never heard of, to a town
we had never seen, to be fixed by people we didn’t know. "You know," Linda mentioned as we watched the van roll away atop the tow truck, "It is
very likely we’ll never see that van again!"

Oh no! I don’t like where this is headed….

‘Holiday Roooooo oh oh oh oh oh oh oad. Holiday Roooooo oh oh oh oh oh oh oad.’

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2011~~
2011 marked our 20th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, we wanted to renew our vows in the greatest place on earth: Disney!

Paying for Disney Wedding Planning services is very expensive. It was more than we could possibly afford. Instead, we did something creative that included all our family and friends yet was very cheap! Here's what we used:

1. Free Livestream Classic account
2. Cell phone
3. Wifi Hotspot
4. small laptop with webcam
5. video camera
6. Tripod

I entered the park early and secured our spot above the train station overlooking main street and the castle. Then, using my cell phone I connected to our pastor back home. I used the laptop connected to the wifi hotspot to connect to Livestream so I could live broadcast the wedding to all our family and friends around the world. Finally, I used the video camera on a tripod to get a high quality recording.

The wedding was great! You can see it here.

 

[cnetbuild]

In 14 weeks, we leave to spend 37 days at Disney. There is so much we need to do, and so little time to do it!

T minus 14 weeks
-Money diet. We need to save as much as we can for this trip!

T Minus 13 weeks
- Buy trading pins online

T Minus 12 weeks
- Disney Restaurant Reservations

T Minus 11 weeks
- Plan the drive home (stopping at Hershey and Gettysburg?)

T Minus 10 weeks
- Plan our day trip to see our friends in Florida
- Plan a day at Universal Studios

T Minus 9 weeks
- Plan a day trip to go to a beach
- Research the new bands for annual passholders

T Minus 8 weeks
- Plan what groceries we will be buying
- Plan the morning checklist for the Family Vacation Trip Guide Book
- What rides do we want to ride: Magic Kingdom

T Minus 7 weeks
- Get the park schedules (open, close, parades, etc)
- What rides do we want to ride: Epcot

T Minus 6 weeks
- Plan a day-by-day, park-by-park plan for the Family Vacation Trip Guide Book
- Decide what towns we would like to visit. What real-estate agents will we talk with.
- What rides do we want to ride: Hollywood Studios

T Minus 5 weeks
- Clothes shopping
- Water shoes: clean up or buy new?
- What rides do we want to ride: Animal Kingdom

T Minus 4 weeks
- Backup and empty all of the cameras
- Buy video games for the drive
- Get a TripTik from AAA

T Minus 3 weeks
- Check our Disney card reward points
- Print the packing list
- Print the Family Vacation trip guide book
- Decide what DVDs we will take with us

T Minus 2 weeks
- Hair cuts for everyone
- Refill all prescriptions
- Van oil change and checkup
- Check the weather for July
- Buy snacks for the drive down

T Minus 1 week
- Pack, pack, and more packing!

 

[cnetbuild]

Back In 2012 we went to Florida with some friends in January right after Christmas. We went to Boca Raton, Ft Lauderdale, and Orlando. Lets travel back in time:

~~2012~~
We probably went a little overboard on the kids for Christmas. Because we are going to Florida we decided to keep Christmas light this year. The children gave us their Christmas list and we started shopping and before we knew it? We had too much. But that really wasn't the problem. Every year we play a game. We hunt the house for anything we can wrap and give as a present. I have been given Season Two of Magnum PI for four years in a row! That's the game: you never know if you are opening a cool present, a dud, or something you forgot you had.

Over buying plus the present game left us wrapping presents until 4am on Christmas Day. And then we had to quietly sneak around the house depositing presents, eating the cookies that were left for Santa, and slipping into bed without waking the children.

All of my children believe in Santa Claus. Even the 18-year-old. We made it clear to them: Santa only brings presents to those who believe, and when they were ready to stop receiving those presents, they simply needed to tell us they no longer believed. If you asked my 18 year old if she believes in Santa, she will smile and say "absolutely!"

At 9am our bedroom door burst open and the kids ran in dragging stockings that are almost as tall as they are. Bringing up the rear of the child parade were our cat and dog who wanted to help with the excitement.

And so unwrapping of the presents starts in our bedroom at 9am, moves to the living room, and continues until noon at which point we take a much needed break. I don't want to give the impression our kids are spoiled, although they are. They get some great presents. But most of the presents are part of our game. My daughter loves stuffing, so, I gave her two boxes of turkey stuffing. I received my annual box of Girl Scout cookies, and my oldest son received a giant can of chocolate pudding. An unopened package of pens, a roll of life savers, the sock you thought you lost - anything we can find to wrap? We do.

At noon we take a break to eat and then go back at the unwrapping. By 2pm, we are exhausted and nearly at the end. A giant pile of spent wrapping paper is mounded in the center of the living room and the boys take turns diving into it and getting lost in the paper. Finally the children are opening boxes and assembling their toys while I am looking for that bottle of wine I bought and wrapped and gave to myself.

We have been looking forward to a vacation in Florida after Christmas. With Christmas dinner plates cleared, I went to work assembling toys while watching The Weather Channel.

Our plans are to start the drive to Florida on Thursday, but we kept Wednesday in reserve should the weather be bad and we needed to leave early. What I was watching on the Weather Channel: a blizzard was headed our way! A storm was working up the east coast - directly following our path! Winter storm alerts were in effect from Wednesday 4pm through Thursday 1pm! This could knock more than seven hours out of our driving plans.

Our only hope? Head out as early as possible on Wednesday and hit the storm head-on. Hopefully we would be far enough south so we wouldn't get much snow. We should go as far as we can make it, then pull off.

We called our friends who were going with us to discuss our plans and everyone agreed. Our only problem? With all the work and preparation that went into Christmas - nothing is packed for the trip. With little sleep and a blizzard charging toward us we spent the night packing so we can make an early start in the morning. Sounds like a perfect plan - what could go wrong?

 

[cnetbuild]

Driving Into The Blizzard
~~2012~~

The mathematical formula seemed simple: instead of A-B then B-C, we would do B-C then A-B. instead of sleeping and then driving through a snow storm, we would drive until we hit the snow storm and then sleep. It sounded like a good logical plan. Except, we had slept less than 5 hours of the past 48.

Five people packing for a 12 day journey takes a lot of luggage! And since it is winter in the North and summer-like in the south, we need to pack for multiple seasons. The result was a van busting 35 bags! All packed and ready to go at 4am.

Next stage of the plan? Wake up at 6am (we would sleep later) and leave. That brilliant planning was lost when we slept through the alarm clock. We didn't wake until 8am when the telephone wrung. It was one group of our friends. They decided to wait out the storm in New York and leave Thursday evening. That was a luxury we didn't have - we have reservations and plans in Boca Raton for Saturday. We needed to leave. And our coalition of early departers was falling apart.

9am, now 3 hours behind schedule. I started loading the 35 bags into our mini-van. The storm was set to hit our town at 3pm, but I could already see snow flurries in the air! It wasn't until 11am that the van was packed, the kids were awake and loaded into the van, and we were headed down the road. It was then we heard from the second group of friends: they decided to wait the storm out too! We were on our own. And the storm, still four hours away, was swirling on the southern horizon.

We passed out of New York and into the Allegany Mountain range in Pennsylvania. It was in the mountains that we hit snow. The roads quickly covered and cars were fish tailing and flying off the road. Traffic bunched up and slowed to fifteen miles an hour. We were deep in the blizzard on the side of the mountains. There were no lanes and tractor trailers seemed to only obey the laws of tonnage. Repeatedly we would get stuck behind a slow moving car crawling uphill and have to switch into the dangerous passing lane to get around. All the while I wondered if that guard rail would really keep my van from tumbling down the side of the mountain if I lost control. After 90 minutes of white knuckle driving we made it to the middle of Pennsylvania, a town named Williamsport. Williamsport was our first goal, our second goal was to continue to Pennsylvania's southern border. We decided not to press our luck and pulled into a Williamsport Holiday Inn.

At 3:30 we were comfortably in our hotel room and immediately turned the room into an arcade to wait out the storm: Wii, computers, droids, and I-devices for everyone.

Our plan was to relax, get to bed early, and head out early tomorrow. We should wake up to the tail end of the storm and just need to drive through some freezing rain and high winds. It sounds like a perfect plan, what could go wrong?

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2009~~
Mission to the Moon

When the Apollo mission passed behind the dark side of the moon, a nation’s heart stopped because the astronauts were completely out of touch with earth. Everyone waited for the radio communication announcing they had cleared the moon.

We awoke to an empty world because it's not just your car, it is your freedom. We were stuck somewhere in North Carolina with no vehicle. But not to worry! We could rest easy because Enterprise had reserved us a van if we needed it. If needed, we could leave our van at the mechanic for the week and take the rental to Disney!

When I called Enterprise to arrange for the pick-up, the salesman said, "I don't know why they gave you a reservation. We don't have any vehicles".

I was blown away with shock. "You have no vans?" I asked in disbelief.

"We have no cars at all. It is Valentine's Day. The flower shops rent all of our vans so everyone has to take cars. As a result, we are all out of cars," he explained.

"But... I have a confirmation number."

"It doesn't matter. Everyone knows that every rental agency is out of cars on Valentine’s Day. It is just a statement of fact", he reasoned.

"No one has cars anywhere?"

"No."

"Will you have a car on Sunday?" I asked hopefully.

"We are closed on Sunday. But you can try back on Monday. We should have cars then."

Oh... this wasn't good. If we were going to be stuck in Nowheresville, we had better tell the Hotel office. "We don't have any rooms," the hotel office explained.

I was blown away. "You have no rooms?" I asked in disbelief. I mean, it wasn't like I could walk half a mile with 37 pieces of luggage to another hotel!

"We have no rooms at all. It is Valentine's Day. Everyone knows that on Valentine's Day there are no Hotel rooms available," he reasoned.

This was unacceptable. I started to envision us sitting in the parking lot all day atop our giant pile of luggage. "Look... you have to help us out. I have three children and nowhere to go!"

There was a long silence on the phone. Finally, he spoke, "Well... OK. I have a room with one king bed that I could free for you."

I took a giant sigh of relief. Thank God! I didn't even care that the room was on the second floor with no elevator. With minutes remaining before checkout, I carried all 37 pieces of luggage to the new room and collapsed.

"I have good news!" Linda announced.

"What?" I groaned from complete exhaustion.

"Alamo at the airport has a mini-van. I confirmed it. They are holding it for us until midnight. But the airport is thirty miles away."

Great! I could walk there in only ten hours! Ahhhh... we have options again. If they repaired the van before midnight, we could take our van. If they didn't repair our van by midnight, could take a $75 taxi ride to the airport and rent the last remaining van in the country!!

We spent the day watching the clock. Would they have the van repaired in time? Or would I need to take an expensive taxi ride to the airport to rent one? Should I start walking? As we approached 10pm, we were running out of time! If we weren't careful, we would be screwed on Sunday with no van!

Finally, the garage called. "The van is repaired. We are loading it on a tow truck and sending it back to you." Hurray!

When the van arrived, I took it for a test ride. The van had 3 bad coils and the mechanic had to replace one of them to get the van running again. But when I gave the van a test drive, I could still feel a subtle misfiring coming from the engine! Oh no! I don't like were this is going!

Holiday Ro oh ohohoho ohoh d.
Holiday Ro oh ohohoho ohoh d!

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2012~~
I woke up satisfied with my decision to leave a day early. I estimated our friends, still in New York, would spend most of the day watching the storm out their living room window while I sailed through Virginia. By my estimation, i would hit Florida a full day before everyone else! I was very proud of myself.

I decided to look at The Weather Channel to see how buried in snow upstate New York would be. I was dumbfounded to learn the storm tracked farther east than forecasted and, for the most part, missed our home! I drove through the dangerous blizzard for nothing!

I check with our friends and learned they had left at 8am! My advantage was lost and we risked the real possibility that our friends might actually pass us and get to Florida first!

Well. Now it was on. A full fledge cannon ball race, Gilbert-style. There was no way I was going to let the either of the two families of friends get to Florida before me! We had no time to waste! The family tore down the hotel arcade while I unburied the van from a foot of snow and almost a quarter inch of ice. It normally takes our family 2 hours to get ready to leave in the morning, but I am very proud to report that we were ready to go in only 165 minutes flat! :-(

We flew down the highway out of Pennsylvania, through Maryland, through West Virginia, and into Virginia. My driving philosophy is to go ten miles above the speed limit. I think our friends must just use the speed limit as a rough approximation. The first family of friends left fifteen minutes behind the second. By the afternoon, not only had the first family passed the second, they were closing the gap on us!

We decided to cut East to Fredericksburg and pick up I-95 just south of Washington DC, a bold move considering everyone else was heading south on I-81. Everything was going perfect until we neared i95. Traffic around Washington DC is impossible - the beltway is six lanes of traffic in both directions fully congested 24x7. I made the mistake of going through the beltway one year - never again. We now bypass Washington DC by going through Fredericksburg. But for some reason today the traffic out of Washington DC had I95 backed up all the way to Fredericksburg Virginia. I lost an hour crawling toward the on ramp at 5mph.

My wife, Linda, serves many roles on family trips. Foremost, she is the stewardess - providing little pouches of peanuts, complementary beverages, pillows and blankets, and anything any passenger needs. Secondarily, she is my navigator. Her college degree is in travel and tourism and she is an expert at navigating old school - with maps spread across the dashboard, trip tickets, and tour books. I have tried to convince her to try to use new age technology (like that expensive iPhone 5 she got for Christmas) as a GPS, but she likes her old ways. And with those old ways, we spent an hour waiting to get onto I95 while Linda hunted for an alternative route. Finally, I took her iPhone, pulled up the maps application, and in one minute I had our alternative route on the screen. We had lost as hour, but we were back in the race.

We have our pit stops down to a science - like a fine race car crew. Bathrooms, dollar menu, dump the garbage, fuel, go! Even so, every pit stop seems to take 20-30 minutes! Every time we stopped, our lead in the race eroded.

We passed through Virginia until we hit Richmond during rush hour. We could either take the bypass (which would add 30 minutes) or take our chances and go straight through the city. If we got caught in a traffic jam, the first family would pass us and get to Florida first! We had to bet everything and drive straight into the heart of the city during rush hour!

Gilbert luck is an oxymoron that never rings true. Yet for some reason, we sailed through Richmond at top speed. I weaved and I sometimes cut two lanes to zip through an opening. I drove the family mini van as if it were a high performance Ferrari. Cries from the back seat as the kids grabbed barf bags did not dissuade me from my challenge. Luggage, flying across the back of our van, did not stop me. We would make it through Richmond! And we would cross into Florida on Friday first!

With Richmond behind us we sailed into North Carolina. Destination? Lumberton North Carolina, 12 miles from the South Carolina border. With a unhealthy supply of Long John Silver's hush puppies and a diet Monster energy drinks, I drove through the dark evening, quickly passing any slow car by the left or the right - whatever it took.

Finally, we made Lumberton at 915pm. Daily race finals? First family closed the gap from 3 hours behind us to only 1 hour. The second family who were originally in second place, were now 3 hours behind us.

My concern is with getting to the Florida state line first on Friday. If the first family woke up one hour before us? They could pass us! So my plan? Hit the road early while the first family is still asleep. I am setting my alarm clock for 5 am! This sounds like a perfect plan, what could go wrong?

 

[cnetbuild]

When we prepare for a Disney vacation, we go on a money diet. We try to save us much money as we can and put it toward our trip. One way to save money is to avoid going out to eat. We love eating at Outback. I've discovered a way to bring outback home by making a home made version of the famous outback Ranch Dressing! It is simple. Just mix the following:

1 teaspoon of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing mix
1 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup buttermilk
1/4 teaspoon coarse ground black pepper
1/8 teaspoon paprika
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder

Mix it. Chill it. And save yourself a trip to Outback!

 

[cnetbuild]

It is very important to make sure the car is maintained before leaving for Florida. Lets take a trip back to 2010.
~~2010~~
We were making good headway toward Florida until the skies opened and we drove into a downpour. I flipped the wipers on high. The driver's wiper was doing an excellent job but the passenger's wiper was shot and my wife couldn't see anything.

After a short distance I pulled into a truck stop and parked under an awning so I could pump some gas while staying dry from the rain. "I am going into the truck stop to find a new windshield wiper," my wife said.

"No, don't." I warned. For whatever reason, wipers are the most difficult thing in the world to change. You would think they would be simple but I have spent many frustrating hours trying to change a wiper. "The wiper works a little. If you ruin it we will be stuck."

"Don't worry," she said, and went into the truck stop. I know exactly where this is going. The Family stranded at the truck stop due to a windshield wiper. This is going to be a perfect "told you so" moment!

Linda returned with the wiper and says "are you going to help me?"

"Nope."

By this time I had climbed comfortably back into the van. I wasn't going to be part of this mistake! "I'll help you," my teenage daughter says, and climbs out of the van.

Two girls in a rain storm attempting fruitlessly to change the wiper. I sit, arms folded, fuming. When what do you suppose I see? Two men come out of the truck stop, jog through the rain, and come over to help the poor damsels in distress. They are going to help the girls change the wiper! Obviously they don't know the jerk-of-a-husband is sitting in the front seat. I sunk down a little, hoping they might not see me.

As Our luck would have it, the good Samaritans broke the new windshield wiper! They told my wife to wait and they would be right back. When they returned they had a mechanic from the truck stop! We now had three men helping these poor stranded girls (and the good for nothing lazy guy sitting in the front seat). My pride forbid me from getting out of the van at this point.

The mechanic snapped on a new blade with ease and said there would be no charge. And with a thank you and a smile, my wife got back into the van.

And there I was left. My "told you so" opportunity blown. Instead, I looked like a schmuck.

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2009~~
Into the Great Frontier

When Captain Kirk explored our galaxy, he left our solar system with a very weak safety net. He did have an engineer on board, but if the starship broke down, it could be a long time before a rescue mission could be mounted.

The van was back in our hands, so, I took it for a test run. By 11:30, I determined the van was slightly misfiring, but we had no choice – we had to push on. I decided to make a run for Florida to see how far we could make it. We would get up in 4 hours and get an early start.

"Are you getting up?" Linda asked. I looked at the clock and it was past 7am the next morning.

"What happened? Why didn't the alarm go off?"

Linda explained "You set the alarm to go off at 4pm, not 4am."

With a late start, we passed into South Carolina and then passed through Georgia. I tried to ignore the vibration from the engine by telling myself it was bumps in the road. But as we approached Florida, Linda could feel the vibration as well. After crossing the Floridian border, we pulled off for lunch. As we stopped at a red light, the plumb of unspent fuel coming out our tailpipe caught up with us. The smell was foul so Linda said "we had better not stop. Keep going!"

We pulled back on the highway and the vibration was getting worse - especially as we went up hill. The GPS displayed how many miles remained. I watched and counted them off by tens. "120 miles" and then "110 miles" and then "100 miles". "We will be OK as long as we keep going," I said. "We can't stop."

When an engine misfires, it means there is gasoline vapor that doesn’t get burned. That vapor gets pushed out the tail pipe. Our van clicked and sputtered down the highway with its plumb of unspent fuel vapor trailing behind. If anyone lit a match, they would blow up half of Jacksonville!

As we approached Daytona, the traffic started slowing. A blimp in the sky told me why. "I think the Daytona 500 is this weekend." Sure enough, the traffic was slowing to a brisk walking pace due to traffic for the race. This was just our luck!

When a friend had heard about our van problems, he jokingly warned us to "watch out for falling asteroids". He should have warned us about major motor racing events. The van didn't like the slower pace and complained loudly. "We aren't going to make it," Linda warned. We were stuck in the middle lane with bumper-to- bumper traffic - if the van died, I wouldn't be able to make it to the side of the road!

When we crept past Daytona, the highway opened up and we were able to return to our normal speed. As the van picked up speed, so did the rhythm of the knocking. On the bright side, we were within towing distance of Disney, so we continued nervously counting off the miles. "60 miles" and then "50 miles"As long as I didn't see a light on the dash, I was going to keep going. The Van's misfiring was vibrating the car terribly when a car passed by us, honked its horn and the driver made a motion about the front of our van exploding or something. He knew what we knew: we were in deep crap! I feared our van would break down just miles from Disney! Oh no.... I don't like where this is headed!

"Holiday Ro oh oh oh oh oh oh ad
Holiday Ro oh oh oh oh oh oh oad"

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2012~~
Race to the Finish Line

I woke with a single purpose (leave early) derailed by only one thing (free hotel breakfast). I am normally not allowed to eat Sausage Gravy. And while I am not admitting that I did eat it, if I had I would report that it was simply incredible.

Just as you cross into South Carolina on i-95 you will find South of border. This was established 70 years ago when a county to the north had outlawed alcohol and people crossed the border to get their fix. The exit was also the main exit for Myrtle Beach, so their business grew to include a restaurant, camp ground, and hotel. When fireworks were illegal in North Carolina, they started a giant fireworks business and eventually grew to create an amusement park and other attractions.

When I was growing up, South of the Border was legendary. Then.. They allowed alcohol to the north, fireworks became common, and they opened a highway that goes most of the way to Myrtle Beach. South of the Border became a ghost town dump. But we still stop there and hit the souvenir stand every trip we make.

The race was back on. We sailed through North Carolina and into Georgia. The first family closing the gap and our stop at South Of The border only helped them. The further south we went, the less snow on the ground, the bluer the sky, and the warmer the temperature . Near the Georgia border we saw the first palm tree of our trip! We pulled off in Georgia for lunch: Linda ran into McDonalds to get lunch, I left her to go get gas. We didn't synchronize it very well and she was left standing at the curb for five minutes waiting for me, but we hurried!

I am proud to announce that we crossed the Florida first! Race results: The first family, who had started three hours back and in last place, had cut 140 minutes out of the gap to cross in second. The second family, who pulled off the road early last night but left their hotel early this morning? Was three hours behind us and crossed into Florida third.

To celebrate our victory we ate dinner at a Waffle House (we don't have these up north). Afterwards we decided the loser family should have ate Waffle House - it was horrible.

From Daytona, everyone was heading in different directions: Second family were going to Disney, First family to Cape Canaveral, and we were going to Boca Raton to meet up with a long time friend. The plan was to have all three families come back together and meet on Sunday at a resort in Ft Lauderdale. After a few days at the beach we would all head to Orlando. It sounds like a perfect plan, what could go wrong?