The Misadventures of our Family Circus

[cnetbuild]

~~2009~~
Conclusion
36 hours before arriving home, while in Florida, I gave my surroundings a good look. Green grass, blue skies, warm weather, palm trees, flowers - it was beautiful. During the trip home, we traded paradise for crappy New York in February where everything is brown and gray and covered with dirty looking snow. As we came out of the Allegany Mountains in Pennsylvania, we could see heavy gray clouds so I said "It looks like we are heading back into New York!" In fact Our town ranks in the list of cities with the most cloudy days.

My journey has raised questions. I have seen life in other states. I listened to their local talk shows, looked at their local papers, shopped their grocery stores and have returned with many questions.

Why is gasoline $.40 more expensive in NY than other states? Why are property taxes ten times more expensive? Why do NY public schools cost twice the amount as other states? Why aren't our roads as well maintained? Why is the speed limit 70mph in other states, but New York doesn't trust me to go faster than 65mph? Why is our sales tax higher (sometimes dramatically higher)? Why are most common everyday things cheaper in the south? Why is there construction occurring in the south and not in New York? Why do I see factories in the south, and crumbling empty buildings in New York? And, perhaps the biggest question: why do we put up with 8 months of crappy weather in addition to all of these issues? New York should be paying us to live here, not nice versa!

On another topic: the van. Was it the right decision to repair the van instead of purchasing the Kia? Hindsight is 20/20. Twice during the trip, I suggested we find a Kia dealership and dump the van. I stand by that suggestion and believe it was a terrible mistake to take our old van on this vacation. We were just lucky we found a garage in North Carolina who didn’t rip us off, and that we made it back home. For our next vacation, we will be taking a different vehicle!

Overall, the trip was good. If I had a better van, I would do it all over again!

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2013~~
The Villa

We made it to the house. This incredible four bedroom Floridian house. The place is beautiful. Screened pool. Palm tree out front. Spent fire extinguisher in the kitchen. Insect poison and traps everywhere. Bug carcasses in the nooks and crannies. It is really a beautiful home.

My wife is an incredible woman. Usually she breaks out the CSI kit for small hotel rooms, but this is a, I don’t know, 2000 sqft house. True to herself, she gets to work. All the dishes get rewashed. All the linens are removed from the beds. We seal all the mattresses in mattress bags. Then remake the beds with our own linens. The place gets vacuumed and cleaned. She is working harder to clean this house than I have ever seen her work on our house in New York (she isn’t reading this, is she?).

The house has four bedrooms and three bathrooms, a garage that has been converted into a game room, a screened in pool and patio area, beautiful kitchen, breakfast nook. Very nice. The neighborhood in Indian Village is just house after house, all in the same cookie cutter fashion with beautiful lawns, incredible trees, and did I mention the blue sky and sun shine? Or the playground that is connected to our back yard?

I know, your first thought: if Kevin screwed up all the hotel reservations, how did he luck out when reserving this house? The answer? Kevin didn’t reserve the house. Linda did all the research and out of hundreds upon hundreds of house rental choices? Picked this one.

Somewhere in Orlando, someone has a webcam pointing at their front yard. In my office in New York, I have a computer screen on the wall that shows that webcam. That computer screen showing the Florida webcam serves as my office window. I often look at that screen and imagine I am in Florida looking out my front window.

You can imagine that one of my most anticipated activities for this trip was to convert the front bedroom into an office. The front window has a huge picture window overlooking the palm tree and the neighborhood. Since I am working three days per week while in Florida, I had packed my entire home office and brought it with me. With the aid of a card table and a stool, I set up my six feet of monitors and wired the front bedroom. I spent the first full day in Florida at work while enjoying the incredible view that I had previously only seen through a blurry webcam.

After work? We are going to DownTown Disney to get our year passes to Disney World and to eat at the Earl of Sandwich.

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2013~~
Starship Troopers

One of my favorite movies is Star Ship Troopers. The Earth is under attack so they mount an army to go fight alien bugs that have infested planets around the galaxy. At first, they think they are fighting a bunch of dumb bugs. But as the movie progresses, they realize the bugs have a shared intelligence and take orders from a brain that outsmarts the humans and nearly destroys the army in one battle.

I think the people who created Star Ship Troopers must have lived in Florida. Because living in Florida means living with bugs.

You wouldn’t know this by visiting Disney World. Disney has a heavy bug control program. If you look outside of the resorts in the evening, you can sometimes see the insect killing fog, and crews are regularly spraying.

After working my first day from Florida, we decided to reward ourselves with a trip to DownTown Disney. It has been years since I have walked from one end of DTD to the other and I was surprised at all the changes. There were many outside musicians, and the area is now filled with fabulous businesses.

At the end of the evening we returned home. And when we entered and flipped on the light? We saw a bug scurry away. Linda started screaming for me but by this time I had already taken off my shoes. "Step on it" I told her, but she refused. I looked for something to crush it with and finally I said "Take off your show and give it to me". She did and I delivered the death blow.



As I examined the carcass, I realized I was looking at a **** roach! "Is it dead?" Linda asked.

"Yes," I reassured her. And then the dead insect rolled over and scurried away. I chased after it, slamming Linda’s shoe to the floor in hot pursuit and I was trying to kill it before it got away. I ran into the wall and then slammed into a chair but I kept in pursuit until finally… whack! I got him! And I hit him again. And again. To make sure this terminator roach wouldn’t come back to life. Again!

"You have to hear a crunch" Linda said.

"A crunch?" Very well. Again! And again! Until finally… CRUNCH. Got ‘em!

Score one for the human population! Humans:1, Roaches 0.

We live in Upstate New York. We might have to kill an occasional ant, a small spider, or a mosquito, but we have never had to deal with roaches.

After a victory lap around the living room, we decided to inspect the rest of the house. We went room by room, flipping on lights and ready to pounce on anything that moved. We found three more live ones, and two dead ones. As the insect body count raised, Linda really freaked out because she has no tolerance for bugs in the house. Her first instinct was to grab her CSI kit and start cleaning everything. Instead, she went through the entire house and inspected everything in an obsessive bug hunt. And she suggested we all spend the night sleeping sitting up with the lights on (I talked her out of that).

When we arrived at the house, we noticed a copious number of pest control devices. Our assumption was the house had ants. As a result, we kept all our food sealed in containers and washed everything. We didn’t realize the house didn’t have an ant problem. It had a roach problem!

On the morning of our second full day, I contacted the management company and complained. They explained that this is Florida, Florida has bugs, and this is the time of the year to expect them. They agreed to put more poison around the house, but assured us this is not a problem (sure... Not a problem for them!)

I was very relieved after talking to the management company. I had been mistaken thought that finding six roaches in one evening represented an infestation and a problem. But they assured me I was mistaken and this was not a problem. In fact, it was so much not a problem? It was a way of life. A Floridian life.

We rented this house because we wanted to experience what it was like to live in Florida. And if living in Florida means keeping roaches as pets, I guess we just need to get used to it and enjoy the company.

 

[cnetbuild]

Another journey back in time to the 2013 trip.
~~2013~~
Our goal is to experience what it is like to live in Florida. We are usually warned about hurricanes hitting Florida. My response is always: in the past two years we have had two hurricanes hit New York and none hit Florida. So, where is the real concern? I think it is just a bunch of hot air (no pun intended). We are in Florida for a month and it is going to be nothing but blue skies and sun shine!

And then we hear about this thing called Tropical Storm Chantal. Chantal is not a hurricane, but it is a significant storm that threatens my blue skies! We have been keeping a close eye on the storm as it passes into the Bahamas and heads North. Forecasts say it will head up the coast of Florida, and then immediately swing west across our path. And with our luck? It will pause over house and stall. That’s just the way things tend to go for us.

Living in New York, I am well accustom to grey skies. And living through winters near Lake Ontario, I am very experienced with 60mph winds because an icy wind blows all year long. How bad could a tropical storm be in comparison? Here’s my thought: life is hard in upstate New York; we see 50mph winds and don’t think twice. But I think that in paradise, Floridians get upset if a cloud passes in front of the sun. Their forecast calls for showers regularly – in New York that means 3 or 4 days of flooding rains; in Florida it means a 15 minute pop-up thunder shower. I’m thinking they are over reacting. That a tropical storm is just a rainy and windy day. It is a minor disruption in paradise.

And chances are excellent that the computer models are all wrong, that Chantal will continue traveling north and slam New York. We should have our answer by this weekend. I am sure we have nothing to worry about...

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2013~~
Water Damage
I set up my home office in front of the villa's front window overlooking the neighborhood. As I work, I can enjoy the Florida landscape. On Wednesday, a huge vulture landed on the front yard, gobbled up a gecko, and then took flight. Later in the afternoon, two 3 foot cranes walked down the sidewalk and passed the house, and continued down the street. They looked like they were just two neighbors out for a stroll.

After work we ate dinner at the Golden Corral. While most people found their own seats, a waitress asked us to follow her. She sat my family of four at a table that could hold ten people. I thought that was odd. She then set up signs on her other tables that said “Reserved” and told people they couldn’t sit in her section in attempt to reduce her work load. This was successful until other waitresses came to her and got into an argument.

With our bellies over-stuffed with food, we went to the Fantasia Miniature Golf. We had never been there before and had a great time. Afterward, we swung through a grocery store to get a few more cases of water, and then headed home. We arrived home and the family headed indoors while I unloaded the cases of water from the van.

In Florida, it becomes very hot. Proper watering of the lawn and landscaping is essential. But watering can be a lot of work, so, the standard practices is to use an automated sprinkler system. The sprinklers are strategically deployed around the house for the maximum coverage of the lawn and bushes.

As I carried the second case of water to the house, the sprinkler system turned on and hit me. You have probably seen in movies when the sprinklers turn on, people caught in them start dancing around as their pants get sprinkled on. That is not what happened to me. At all.

There is a tall palm tree in the front yard. Near the front door, there is a water cannon that sprays the top of the tree, and shoots water across the entire front yard extended all the way to the street. I mention it is a cannon because of the incredible velocity necessary to fire the water such incredible distances.

As I headed to the front door with my case of water in my hands, the water cannon turned on and fired a blast into my chest. I was in the line of fire as the stream of water began exploding from the nozzle. It hit me so hard and was so unexpected and the ground was so wet that it knocked me off my feet. I hit the ground flat on my back and cracked my head on the ground. But that is not the end of the story. You might recall that I had been caring a case of water. Because I had been knocked to the ground, I was no longer caring the case of water. The case was now airborn. And landed on my head.

I pushed the case of water off my face. In the dark of night I tried to determine if I was covered in blood or water, because now the smaller sprinklers had turned on and were drenching me thoroughly at this point. The smaller sprinklers were just adding insult to my injuries. Luckily, other than being a little sore? No damage was done. Except perhaps to my pride.

They say that parts of Florida have high crime rates. That might not be true for the area we are staying at. But I can now return to New York and proudly proclaim that I was shot while in Florida. Yes. Shot with a water cannon. But shot nonetheless.

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2013~~
Trip to Walmart

Driving to Walmart was a mad house. A six lane road filled with people who had no idea where they were going. Some would cut into a lane or start a turn only to realize it was the wrong turn. The road was completely congested by idiots. It took us 20 minutes to drive only 7 miles!

When we finally made it to Walmart and entered the store, we were exposed to a new experience. I often see on TV the foreign markets in third world nations where people are packed into areas. Merchants have tables set up selling everything from live chickens to jewelry. And people crawl over top each other, shoving their way to the tables barter and buy everything they need.

Walmart reminded of these third world markets. The place was packed. It was difficult to find a place to stand that wasn't in the way of someone else. There was a mix of people who were relaxing and taking their time, and those who wanted to grab their groceries and get out. There were those who wanted to study the packaging and those who wanted to shove the aforementioned out of the way so they could get what they needed. Many would leave their carts across the aisle, or worse yet, have their kids across the aisle blocking others. Forget about getting cheese puffs - there was always someone's cart blocking the way cheese puffs!

Walmart is the great melting pot of cultures and peoples. I detected at least five different dialects (six if you count Southern USA as a separate dialect). After seeing this mishmash of various people from various areas around the world, I understand why there are wars. People are very different. Someone from the North East USA tends to be a no BS, get it done kind of a person. I'm going into the store and grab fifteen things and get out. For others, this is social hour. Or family values time. Or some have never seen a walmart before. Some can't decide if they want mild or medium salsa - hay, if it isn't hot? It is all the same, just put it in your cart and move on! We aren't making life and death decisions - you are buying bananas. That little black spot won't kill you. And if you have to ask your mate if you should get plastic spoons? You don't need them - move on.

I am going down the aisle and the shelves are becoming empty. I'm thinking perhaps the apocalypse has been announced and this is the rush on groceries. Maybe I should get an extra can of beans or something. But the Walmart employees are frantically wheeling out more groceries trying to fill the shelves faster than they are getting emptied. The aisles are packed with overloaded shopping carts. The carts are so heavy that people can't move them. They have the smallest and youngest of their party (usually a five year old) pushing the overloaded cart and ramming it into other carts, other people, knocking stuff off the shelves. Complete disregard for humanity. It was worse than rope drop on Christmas Day.

We had our cart full of groceries and I shout to Linda over the noise of the crowd "We need to get out of here before we die".We tried to find a register that wasn't backed 15 people deep. I found one and think "Oh thank God, just get me out of here!" As I pull my cart in, I notice there are two cashiers at this register and they are putting on rubber gloves, face masks, and are spraying the registers down with some kind of cleaner. Obviously a bio hazard. I'm thinking: dear God it is the apocalypse, we are going to get some disease, and I never grabbed that extra can of beans.


So, I push my overloaded cart back through the crowd to another register. I just wanted to get out of there - I didn't even use coupons. I don't think I'll be returning to the Walmart on Rt. 27. I just hope this isn't what it is like to live in Florida!

 

[cnetbuild]

Activity while driving to Florida

It takes us over 20 hours to drive to Florida. The kids are usually entertained with new video games and watching movies. My wife is the navigator, steward, and responsible for climate control. I am occupied as pilot and chief of the radio dial.

There is a new trend that you can find with a quick YouTube search. The trend is to make a video lip syncing the song from Frozen while driving.

This sounds like an interesting way to pass the time. I simply need to convince my wife - it could be a lot of fun and leave us with a lasting memory of the trip.

 

[cnetbuild]

Traveling back in time...
~~2013~~
Last night we took a trip to Winter Garden and ate at a Mexican restaurant name Tosquitoes. There were four kids (13 to 17) who played music for tips. The food was great. The music was great.

I had heard great things about Winter Garden and wanted to check it out should we ever decide someday in the far future we might want to move there. I researched all the houses we could afford so we could see what the neighborhoods looked like. I then plotted a map for the most efficient investigation as we drove around town.

Unfortunately, we didn't see much because everything was in gated communities.

Disappointed, we decided to head back to our house. Doing so requires taking a toll road. As we approached the toll booth we had two choices: speed pass or exact change.

I slowly approached the exact change lane because I didn't know how much it cost. It said Lane Closed. I didn't want a ticket so I started backing out of the ramp. But as I saw how fast the cars were coming I realized that wasn't a safe option.

We returned to the booth. I didn't know what to do. So I started tossing quarters into the net. After ten quarters the booth still wouldn't let me pass! What was I to do? I hit the gas and floored it, squeezing out of the booth. The booth's loud klaxon alarm started firing and red lights were blinking. My hope was if I blew through the booth fast enough my license plate would be a blur on the camera and I won't get a ticket! Now, I will probably get a ticket for not paying the toll and for speeding.

That was a great welcome to Winter Garden! We couldn't tell if we might like Winter Garden because we really couldn't see the neighborhoods. And if I get a toll ticket, I won't be very happy!

 

[cnetbuild]

Christmas 2014 Trip

We should be planning our summer trip. Instead, we are spending most of our spare time planning our Christmas 2014 trip. This is an 18 day adventure. We drive to Florida, go to Disney, then stay at Coco Beach, Ft Lauderdale, then the Keys, and finally drive home. The trip is very exciting, but this will be our first Christmas away from home. Our college-aged daughter isn't available to go with us, so, it will be our first Christmas without her. This is a peak time for Florida traveling. And so there is a lot of planning that must be done! I will share some of those plans as we put them together.

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2013~~
Magic Kingdom

I decided to take my coffee this morning to the pool, but as I grabbed for the door I noticed something was in the pool. An alligator? Otter? No! It was the neighbor’s head bobbing up and down in the five foot area. I know, you are asking "Why would the neighbor be in your pool?" The owner of the home we rent pays the neighbor to do all the maintenance, which includes pool cleaning. He was in the pool with a long brush scrubbing the sides of the pool. I guess that if you are going to clean a pool, you might as well enjoy the pool by getting in!

An update on our Star Troopers style battle? 9 dead bugs versus 0 dead humans.

Every morning we have our work lists. There are no playing or TV watching until each person completes their list. With military precision, we move through the work list every day. I serve the role of the drill sergeant - barking out orders, keeping everyone on task, and degrading their sorry performance. Eat Breakfast. Get dressed. Fill backpacks with water...

Yesterday, we were under the constant threat of thunderstorms. Several had moved in, and there was rumbling all morning in the distance. So, we figured it would be a perfect day to go visit the Magic Kingdom.

The Magic Kingdom has several additions since we had visited in 2011. There is a Fantasy Land expansion that has opened which is excellent. I thought the Fantasy Land expansion was completed, but they are still working on the Snow White area. In Peter Pan Ride tradition, there is a little mermaid ride that takes you through most of the story. I say "Most: because they get about midway through the story, then abruptly fast forward to the end… thank you for coming… good bye. We each had a giant cinnamon roll at Gaston's. The cinnamon rolls must have been the size of bowling balls! And at Belle's castle, we were treated to an adventure where we traveled into the story book and actually met Belle.

Also new is an interactive game like Kim Possible /Agent P in Epcot (or for those familiar, it is like MagiQuest). You are sent on a mission around the Magic Kingdom to fight off a villain. Ours was to rescue the puppies from Crudela around Main Street. You have to find these hidden portals, wave your identification card, and then a hidden video screen will play a message with clues. We had fun, and it gave it an opportunity to see Main Street in a way we normally wouldn't have taken the time to see. It was fun, but time consuming. I don’t recommend playing the game unless you frequent the parks and have lots of time.

The crowds are very heavy this time of the year at Disney. Fighting our way through the crowds is made additionally difficult when combating people with double wide strollers. There are narrow channels between people who are standing in the walk way gawking, and it is difficult to get through. But then add a double-side stroller and you get people-grid-lock.

A new challenge I hadn't seen in previous years? Walking while texting. You thought it was only dangerous while driving? People are doing this in the crowded parks! It becomes very dangerous to avoid getting run into by a distracted walker. I can only imagine the rate this epidemic is spreading will lead to serious park injuries that Disney will need to address with bumper guards around fountains and attractions.

It was fairly warm as well. At first the heat didn't bother me, but as the day went on I was putting my deodorant to the test. We each entered the park with two bottles of water and quickly learned that wasn’t enough. I refilled my bottle with bathroom sink water, all the time thinking "I really hope they don’t recycle the toilet water to the sinks". It tasted like recycled toilet water. Anyone who knows me knows I like to pinch a penny, so, recycled toilet water or not, that is what I drank. To help mask the tainted flavor, I poured a lemonade flavoring packet into the bottle. That made it taste like lemonade flavored toilet water.

As we looked at others around the park, we couldn't understand why they weren't drenched with sweat like we were. I suppose we haven't adjusted from our cool northern climate. I was so drenched that I would have changed my clothes half way through the park if I had thought to bring an extra set. It wasn't like the heat and the sweat were unbarable. We would be in the heat stroking out in a bath of sweat, then enter an air conditioned ride or store and the sweat would freeze. When we returned to the heat, it took a while for the sweat to thaw, so, in that way - we were creating our own portable gross cooling systems.

We took advantage of the time between the Disney fireworks and the Disney electric parade to jump onto some rides with short lines. When the electric parade ended it was well after 11pm, so we fought the massive crowds to get back to our car. From the Disney World parking lot to our house? Was a short 12 minute drive.

 

[cnetbuild]

2014: Character Breakfast

Dinning is one of the most expensive parts of a Disney Vacation. Luckily, with a house, we will be able to make most of our meals in our kitchen!

We love the character meals but they are very expensive! The breakfast is the cheapest, and by cheapest I mean over $100 for four of us (after tip). $100 would buy a lot of pancake and eggs at home!

We decided to cut expenses during this 2014 trip by cutting these sit down meals. We decided to only have one character breakfast. But which one? Tusker House? Crystal Palace? Chef Mickey? Ohana? We love them all! Our living room is filled with all the dining pictures because we always get the dinning photo. We have a picture at Chef Mickey for every year we have ever went to Disney - how could we break that tradition?

We settled on Ohana for our character breakfast. Ohana is comparatively nice and relaxing. They bring the food to you, so you don't have to deal with the buffet line and there are fewer children running around unsupervised. Chef Mickey can get very load die to the way it is designed, and always seems packed with people, but Ohana is quieter, spacious view out the window, and relaxing. Aloha cousin! I just made the ADR for July 19!

 

[cnetbuild]

Most people want to stay at a Disney resort because they want to be close to the parks. I stayed in Disney resorts across almost twenty years and I am here to dispel that belief.

I believe that if your resort is on the monorail and you are only visiting parks of the monorail? Good.

The free bus service is another story. At the resort, you wait at a bus stop. The bus is suppose to come every 15 minutes, but I have waited over 30. And sometimes the bus arrives and it is full. Or, it has standing room only. And sometimes you have to wait for the next bus.

After boarding the bus (which can take a while if scooters are boarding), you then ride around the resort to all the other bus stops. Finally, you head to your destination.

I have been on bus rides that, once I boarded, took an hour to get to the destination. In fact, I always plan at least an hour to get anywhere by bus.

The bus doesn't drop you off at the gate. Each park has bus corrals. You must walk from your bus corral to the gate.

Compare that to staying off property. My driveway to parking lot is never more than 15 minutes. Trams run continually between the parking lot and the gate. From my driveway until I walk through the Animal Kingdom gates is only 15 minutes flat.

If you think you need to stay at a Disney resort to be close to the Disney parks? Think again!

 

[cnetbuild]

2014: Dining off property

Dinning is one of the most expensive parts of a Disney vacation. Quick service meals tend to be the cheapest, and by cheapest I mean usually $40-45 for the four if us. We will be cooking most of our meals in the house that we are renting. But we will have to eat out on the days we are at the park all day.

During the 2013 trip, we learned an interesting trick. Instead of fighting the quick service lines, the crowded dinning rooms, trying to find a table with four chairs, balancing our food on a tiny table while people run into you because you have to sit in the walkway, and paying the a big price for burgers and fries, we could just eat a snack that we brought and wait to eat until we left the park.

Parking lot to our rented house was never more than 15 minutes. There are all kinds of fast food on Rt 192 with cheap value menu options that could give is the reward of eating out without all of the expense! We could get more food (and sometimes better food) and save $25-30.

Occasionally we would splurge so we could have an experience, but usually we were just eating to fill our bellies - and we can fill our bellies cheaper.

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2013~~
Brazilian Blonds At Animal Kingdom

We woke up and I offered to make breakfast. The house we are renting has a gas stove. I haven't used a gas stove in 25 years! The oven was easy to use - just hit the button, the oven lights, and all is good.

So I put the pan on the stove and turned the knob. After checking on a few things, I returned to the disappointment that the pan was still cold. What happened? Apparently you have to turn the knob to LiGHT first. I didn't know that. Unfortunately, the kitchen was now filled with gas. So that when I turned the knob to light, I heard a loud "Woof" and found all the hairs on my arm burnt off.

Linda came out of the bedroom and said "why does the house smell like gas?"

And I just said "I don't know, maybe there is something wrong with the stove... Lets pick up breakfast on the way."

We headed to Animal Kingdom at the crack of noon. It was a beautiful warm, sunny day in Florida when we left. But as soon as we arrived at the park? Gilbert luck kicked in. Tropical Storm Chantal decided to pay a visit. At first, it was just a drizzle, which gave us enough time to jump into Pizza Safari before the skies opened and it down poured for an hour.

This week there are many tour groups from Latin America visiting. They were caught in the down pour and cracking thunder and were running in herds for shelter anywhere they could find it. Eventually the storm passed but it left most of the rides we wanted out of order.

Animal Kingdom is our least favorite park. We live in the country surrounded by wilderness: bears, foxes, coyote, beaver, otters, deer, possum, and those guys that hang out at the corner down town. Walking on trails through the woods to see an animal is too much like home. If you love the zoo? Animal kingdom is for you. But not for us.

The Lion King and Nemo shows are good. Tough to be a Bug's 3D is very old and needs to be updated. Having all the rest of our favorite rides out if order made a bad park that much worse.

Before coming to Disney, Linda finished her first Karate class. In this class she learned how to break a board with her bare hand. She just leans into the punch and crack! The board breaks in half! I feel safe going into strange places now because I know my wife can defend me.

We walked around the Animal Kingdom and everything and everyone was soaking wet from the tropical down poor. The sun was starting to come out, but there was still a cold dampness to the air. That it when it happened. A tall Brazilian blond in her late twenties came by. She had been caught in the down poor and unfortunately wore a white shirt to the park. And I guess they don't wear bras in Brazil because this had the effect of a wet t-shirt. She seemed completely comfortable with her wardrobe malfunction.

Guys are wired just a certain way. It is unavoidable. When this woman came by, even a blind man would have turned his head to look. A gay man would had gawked. And me, being a normal healthy straight guy? It was impossible to not at least notice this. It was such an oddity to see in a family oriented park. This isn't a wet T-shirt contest during spring break at Daytona Beach! This is Disney! And for her to be so oblivious to it seemed even more incredible.

Suddenly I heard a loud crack and pain shot through the entire left side of my body. Had I just been hit by lightening? Was this the last thing I would hear before seeing Jesus? No. Linda had delivered one if her board breaking karate punches into my arm. She followed it with "You look at her again and you are sleeping on the couch."

My arm! My arm was now dead and limp for the rest of the day, useless, as a reminder of my innocent transgression.

With Animal kingdom sucking worse than it normally sucks, we decided to leave and go to Down Town Disney. Unfortunately, everyone else decided this too. We parked at Down Town way out in the over flow parking lot's over flow lot. We were so far away, it would have been faster to walk the other way around the lake to get to Down Town. After an hour fighting traffic and crowds we decided the place was too packed. We walked around for a while, then gave up on any chance of doing something fun and left to find dinner.

Dinner was found at the Sizzler. We haven't been to a Sizzler since our honeymoon in 1991 when Linda upset a waiter by giving him a dirty look for seating us so far away from the buffet. The Sizzler was an interesting experience. Like Ponderosa (or, Pound of Gross Out, as we used to call it when they were still open in new York), you order a meal and eat at a buffet and take your meal home. And afterward had the additional benefit of cleaning you out gastronomically.

We returned home in desperate need to use a restroom. But the sprinklers were on again. Faced with getting wet or crapping myself, I ran through the sprinklers and became more wet in that dash than Tropical Storm Chantal had made me all day.

I woke the next day, rubbing my still sore arm. Hoping for a better day!

 

[cnetbuild]

2014: Gettysburg

We always stop at Gettysburg PA on the way home from Disney. One year we stayed at the Gettysburg Hotel downtown, but I found that to be expensive, challenged with parking, not welcoming, and in need of refurbishment. All the rest of the time we stay at the Days Inn on York Street. I haven't had luck with most Days Inn, but this hotel is wonderful.

With frequent stops it will take 18 hours to drive from Kissimmee to Gettysburg. We will arrive at Gettysburg late Friday afternoon in time to enjoy dinner and a ghost walk. We will tour and hike the battlefield on Saturday.

Gettysburg has a wonderful visitor center with many things to do. On Sunday we will visit Hershey PA to see the Chocolate World attractions. Chocolate World (not the amusement park) is like a little mini Disney all themed on Hershey Chocolate. Once stuffed with chocolate, we will drive the remaining 6 hours home.

I have the Gettysburg hotel reserved! Now I just need to pick one of the ghost tours (we have our favorites) or perhaps a dinner show.

 

[cnetbuild]

Going back in time...
~~2013~~

The day started with Breakfast at Ohana. This is an all you an gorge yourself meal until you pass out and enter a food coma broken up by character visits. We saw Mickey, stitch, lelo, Pluto and that goofy waiter. The food was good. But then again, it is difficult to screw up scrambled eggs.

Afterwards we headed to Epcot. The journeys into the park are a physical challenge. Not just because it is hot. And not just because we tend to walk for ten hours. But also because I am the family pack mule carrying almost everything anyone might want in my back pack. This includes heavy batteries for cameras and ten water bottles! Of course I encourage proper hydration (only so I can lighten my load). Drink up everyone!

In National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Clark cuts down the neighbor's pine tree and drags it into his living room for a Christmas tree. What Clark didn't know was the tree was home to a squirrel who pounced on Clark.

When I saw that scene in the movie I thought it was ridiculous. But I was reminded of it as we watched one of the many squirrels at Epcot. As we watched, a second squirrel out of no where pounced on the first and a wild chase started. It was fun to watch until the chase lead the squirrels running around my feet! I broke out dancing right there in Epcot as I tried to get away without stepping on one! Could you imagine what the mob would have done to me if I had stomped a squirrel at Disney?

Epcot has an aquarium that has been remodeled after the Finding Nemo movie. Mike loved the aquarium. It wasn't long before he wondered off. Finding Nemo turned into Finding Mike as we searched the place for him. We found him on the second floor trying to take a picture of a shark. Every time he took a picture the camera would flash and reflect against the glass. Undaunted, he kept taking the pictures and couldn't understand why none were coming out.

We walked around the world showcase and visited various countries, dodging in and out of air conditioning. We rode on Malestorm, which is a wild boat ride where angry trolls send your boat down a waterfall. We boarded the Malestorm boat, took off, rounded the first curve and the ride broke down. That should have been our first sign that we were in trouble! The ride started up again and when we hit the waterfall area, the ride broke us down a second time leaving us suspended over the falls! Norweigens are known for building boats but obviously not for building rides. We are suspended over the falls when a voice comes on "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please remain seated". Technical difficulties? Does that mean the safety devices that pervent our boat from flipping over the falls are disabled? And remain seated? I was concerned that if I moved a muscle I might throw the boat off balance and send us hurdeling down the falls! The voice came back on "Please remain seated. We will be starting the ride momentarily". The thought crossed that perhaps they didn't know we were perilously suspending at the fall's edge. "The ride is starting now" and with one great shuv, our boat fell down the falls and we landed with a terrific splash. When the ride ended, I had never been more happy to be on dry ground, I almost knelt and kissed the carpet.

We survived Malestorm and made it to the USA area of Epcot. In the USA building, they have singers who sing several historic US favorites in the lobby. We really wanted to see this so we arrived twenty minutes early to get the best seats. Finally the singers came out in 1800's costumes and lined up in the lobby to begin their songs... Lined up with their backs to us! We arrived early for this? I am sure the show would have been really good if we could have seen the singers.

At the end of the day we got into position to see the Iluminations fireworks show. This is where people stand around a lake and get upset because they cant see the fireworks show through the obstructions nor tell what the hek is on that big ball in the middle of the water. the only comfortable places to stand and watch the show just happen to be all the places cast members tell you to move away from. A cast member had told us the best spot to watch the show was near France at the back of the park. But when we arrived, it was already crowded. We took the best spot we could find, which wasn't very good. For some reason, Disney has several islands on the lake whose only purpose is to grow tall obstructing trees. We tried watching the show through these trees. Who is the moron who grew trees in the middle of the lake? An hour with a chainsaw would have solved the problem and made thousands of people happy!

After the show everyone stampedes for the gates to get out of the park. Since we were in the back of the park, we were in the back of the hurd and had the longest trek to reach the gate. All the while we had to fight the crowd to keep from getting split up. It felt like we walked five miles to get out of the park!

We arrived home, sore from walking so far, but glad we had a great day at Epcot.

 

[EastYorkDisneyFan]

The islands in world showcase lagoon are there mainly there for places for the mirts they need for the lasers used during the show they also have objects on them that they can aim the beams at so they don't bounce anywhere else as unfocused lasers can be dangerous to planes flying overhead. The airspace over WDW is also not restricted 100% as it is on a flight path to one of the runways at MCO.

 

[cnetbuild]

The islands in world showcase lagoon are there mainly there for places for the mirts they need for the lasers used during the show they also have objects on them that they can aim the beams at so they don't bounce anywhere else as unfocused lasers can be dangerous to planes flying overhead. The airspace over WDW is also not restricted 100% as it is on a flight path to one of the runways at MCO.

I had never considered that - what incredible trivia! Now I am going to pay more attention to the lasers this trip.

 

[cnetbuild]

New shoes for Disney?

Take a look at your shoes. A Disney vacation usually requires walking for miles every day. Occasionally I will see a woman touring Disney in should built for style, not function, and can only imagine how crippled her feet will be with blisters by the end of the day.

Do you have a good pair of walking shoes? If you are in need of some new shoes, you should get the shoes in time to break them in before your vacation. Failure to wear good shoes to Disney will result in sore feet and blisters. Don't let that happen to you!

 

[cnetbuild]

~~2013~~
Disney's Hollywood Studios will forever be known as "MGM" to me, because, that is how it was originally named. I'm not going to necessarily change my thinking to match Disney marketing. It is MGM Studios.

Under a gray sky, we headed to MGM studios for the day. It was an odd kind of a day in that it would often rain, prompting us to dig the rain ponchos out of the backpacks. As soon as we put on the ponchos, it would stop raining. We would take the ponchos off, carefully fold and pack them away. And then it would rain again. We played this game all day - taking the ponchos out of the backpacks, and putting them back in. It was as if we were on a movie set and someone was playing a prank on us. After several hours of this game, we gave up. And decided to just get wet.

It is just as well that we stopped using the ponchos. People who know me know I like to pinch a penny. These rain ponchos are easily 13 years old and have never been cleaned. They get used once every couple of years, dried off, and then packed away. They smell. To say they were fowl would be an improvement to their actual smell. Removing them does not remove the smell from one’s body. So, each time I must go to the restroom and wash my hands. Washing one’s hands at Disney is impossible. Even though Florida is surrounded on three sides by water and dotted by hundreds of lakes, they must conserve water. When washing your hands, the automatic sinks disperse just one ounce of water in a spray. I know it is one ounce because I measured it in my water bottle. I can do a better job washing my hands by spitting on them. Which is what I often reverted to doing.

We devised a cleaver plan to avoid using ponchos every time it rained. When it rained, we would jump into the nearest store because all the stores on the street were interconnected. We would pass through from one store to the next until we reached the end of the street. Run across the street. Then into the next store.

The problem with this plan is that others would run to store too, take one step inside, and then stop – blocking the doorway from anyone else who would like to enter. They would gather their party together "It is really raining out there";. Well, no kidding! I'm still standing in it. Can you please move into the store? Others liked to stand in the doorway and watch people running up and down the street in the rain. I'm sure it was a great pastime activity, maybe they were watching for Brazilian blonds, I don’t know, but please don't block the door while you are watching! There was one teen who was eating her ice cream in the middle of the door way. She was easily 1/3 my weight and I’m running through the rain charging right at her, thundering with each footfall. She didn't even flinch as I barreled past. Are you nuts? If I had hit her, I would have knocked her clear into the next store!

Lunch at the Scifi Drive in was perfect. Other than Mike dropping his toasted cheese on the floor and then trying to pick it up so he can eat it, and the outrageous price ($9 for onion rings?), we love the SciFi Drive in.

We went to the Indiana Jones Stunt Show. Unfortunately, it had been raining and the set was wet so they need an abbreviated show. To make it worse, the show had some bugs in it. No, I mean, really, there were bugs. Insects. I was watching the show when I noticed a lady near me squealing, jumping around, and smacking herself. I thought, perhaps, it was a medical condition. Until I saw the person next to her do the same thing. And very quickly, that entire section was on their feet, stomping their feet, squealing, and slapping themselves. I could see all these green beetles on the floor scurrying all around their bags and belongings. I became concerned... For myself. I picked up my bag and slid away from the group. They grabbed their belongings and ran out of the theater. I thought - geez, that was really gross! But I didn't bother to say anything when another couple saw the open seats and came to sit down in the bug infested row.

Just so you don't think I am a horrible person for not mentioning anything about the bugs, let me explain what Disney is like in July. At Disney, English speaking natives are a minority. I don't know why, but Spanish is the natural language in the land of Disney. Perhaps it is winter in South America so many visit Florida (we have seen huge tour groups from all around Latin America). Or perhaps the weak US dollar is encouraging travel. Whatever the case may be, chances are? If I said there were bugs on their bench, they wouldn’t know what I was saying anyways. In this land of babble, it is easier (and more enjoyable) to just to sit back and watch the show of another group get attacked by green beetles. I have seen India Jones a hundred times (big secret – the guy who stands on one leg? Is the paid actor). But this is the first time I have seen The Attack Of The Green Beetles.

I suppose the beetles might be attacking as revenge for all the roaches we are killing back at the house. By the way, eleven dead insects versus 0 dead humans – we are winning! I read that there are more bugs in a square mile of dirt (not a cube, a square) than the entire population of humans. Each human would have to kill 100 million bugs for us to win the Star Troopers war! With this obvious problem, I don’t understand why there is human starvation in the world.

We road on Star Tours. Or, as I call it, the vomit comet with pilot Lou-Up Chuck. The ride isn't as bad as it used to be. When it first opened, you were almost guaranteed someone was going to pass up their lunch on the ride. Usually that someone was me. They redesigned the ride and now it is much better. You have a one in four chance of seeing someone puke.

After a fun day in the park, we road the tram back to our car. We walked with a crowd from the tram to our cars. In the crowd was a man and woman in their late forties. The man suddenly stops, pauses, and rips the loudest sloppiest fart I have ever heard. And then his wife pauses and rips and even louder fart. That is love! A couple that farts together stays together. After the momentary pause, they continued to their car unaffected, while those of us down wind held our breaths until we were blue in the face.

It really isn’t this couple's fault. I give them no bad will. The bathrooms are so bad at Disney, I too have considered crapping myself to avoid using them. The toilet paper is the worse in the world. I can only imagine the execs at Disney sitting around the table at a meeting saying "We need to cut down on our costs, what can we do?" and someone says "I have designed a way to make the TP even thinner." And the leader says "That is great news! How do we make our TP even thinner?" and the executive says "We weave sand paper grit into the TP fibers." And the leader says "That is an awesome idea. Lets put it into production right away." The execs pat each other on the back and collect a big bonus check at the end of the quarter. They should invite me into the meeting. I can tell them what to do! Disney is the chief of marketing all kinds of things: Mickey watches, and shirts, and pins and pens – they have everything! How about Disney Depends undergarments? You are standing in that long two hour line and you don't want to lose your place? Just let it go! And maybe there is a computer chip with Mickey's voice that says "Way to go!". That couple walking in front of us in the parking lot could really have used some Disney Depends. And think of the money Disney could save by shutting down all the bathrooms. This could be the single best idea Disney had had since bring back Michael Jack's Captain Eo.

We ha a nice day at MGM. I hope the weather improves because we are in Florida to see the sun shine!