Disclaimer: This is going to offend EVERYBODY. So be it. The name of this aside is: Body Wars~Two Exits...Everyone OUT!
Anyone out there ever heard of the Norwalk Virus? Anyone lucky enough to have experienced it? Beside all FIVE of the unhappydehydratedhaunts? Well... it no fun. It's a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions. Nevermind the 'ol "To flush... or not to flush?". It's been more like: "To sit... or not to sit?". You know what I mean. Let me give you a little tip which does not fall under the category of Mel's Drinkin' Tips... but is a handy one nonetheless. It's ALWAYS safer to sit. ALWAYS. 'Cause you CAN throw up in the waste basket. Not so much the other way around. Capish? The tale began with Tommy followed by Calvin, Me, Beth and, now, Big Baby Man Mel. And, after a good 48 hrs of not eating or drinking a drop (and no plans to do so, either, in the near future) you could blow me over with a good solid sneeze. There is an upside to this story, though. Ain't there always? Yes. DH has a NEW nickname. Uhhh huh. It's "Smithers". Like from the Simpsons. As is: " Smithers! Release the robotic Richard Simmons!" and " Smithers! For attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut!"... and, now, my own take on it: "Smithers! Prop my wasted body up and cram another Gravol between my cold dry lips!" And "Yes, quickly Smithers! And, now, swallow for me." Yes. I now call DH "Smithers". The downside of this hilarity is that I look a little frail, about five pounds lighter and very pale. Kinda like Mr. Burns. In fact, if I stand in front of the mirror, hunch over, stick out my arms and let my hands dangle limply... I resemble the infamous Monty Burns in Jessica Simpson drag. "Smithers! Come over here and give me a kiss!" Yep. It's Brokeback Mountain here at the 'ol happyhaunt household. And... THE BEST part of all of this madness is that the house is FILLED with strange men. Yahoo! Strangers to bear witness to our misery and stench. I'm pretty sure, now, that this was the third thing I was worrying about befalling us. You know. After the two floods. Maybe someone is mad at me? I've even considered consulting with a Whirlwind Tripper, or two, to figure this one out. Anywho... enjoy your lunch! Here we go:
Day 8, Dec 18: I run up the hill dragging Tommy along for the ride. As I get to the crest I see it! A large wooden paintbrush with a blue handle! Just off of the path beside the bushes. Waiting for me. Us. WOO HOO! " Tommy!" I yell, " What's THAT? Right there on the ground. Beside the bush!" " A paintbrush, Mommy." He answers with the funniest 'what-the-heck-is-with-my-big-Mommy-Boss' look. Still doesn't understand what this means, I see. "Well... pick it up, Promdate!" He does. And I do my dance I call "Shakin'-ALL-the-junk-in-my-trunk"! Followed by the victorious "Running-in-a-circle-like-my-feet-are-on-FIRE" Dance. We continue down the path carrying our precious prize-winning paintbrush. I see Calvin running towards me. He has one too. Another paintbrush! WOO HOO! He stops... sees Tommy's and looks at me with an open mouth! "Yeah, BABY!" I scream, "YEAH!" And we both sink to the ground on our knees with our arms straight up and our fists balled in the air. He sings, in his high-pitched little boy voice:
"I've paid my dues, time after time...
We are the Champions, my friends
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions we are the champions
No time for losers 'cause we are the champions...
OF THE WORLD!!!!"
That's when we noticed her. The Wicked Witch of the Tom Sawyer Raft Ride. Not the one from Snow White. This is her cousin. Actually, it's the other Competitive Mom from our little game. See, I told you. Messy. She's standing a little ways away from us with her hands on her hips. She don't look too pleased. Nope. "Excuse me!" that's how she politely starts, " But did you REALIZE that it's only ONE paintbrush per family? ONLY ONE! One. It's not fair otherwise!" Ohhhh oh. Well. Hellooo Mrs. Buzzkill! I look at her. Stand back up. Brush my knees off. " Why no. I didn't realize that. Thanks for the FYI, though. Have a magical day. Yada." Yeah... I actually said "yada". Couldn't help it. To make this moment even MORE magical for her, Beth runs up carrying ANOTHER paintbrush... a red one. Oh crap. Beth is very excited. The other lady, not so much. She stomps off in a huff. She's had it with us dirty rotten scoundrels. Oops. We are the thrifty, greedy, competitive happyhaunts. I tell the kids that I can't believe each one of them found a paintbrush... and with Daddy hot on their heels, even. It's remarkable. This is when DH shows up. He's a happy, sweaty DH. And we all bring our three special paintbrushes back to the dock to show the Raft Captain. He tells us that "There's only supposed to be one per family... you know." Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. Now. We didn't understand that before. But NOW we DO. Thanks all. I suggest to him that I could go back and hide the other two brushes, again, but he tells me that there's no need. He says if the other family does not find one of the remaining paintbrushes he'll think up another way for their kids to win a prize. Ok. Fine with us. So we take the raft back to the TSI mainland dock and are rewarded with our Special Fastpass for either Splash Mountain or Big Thunder. We take Victory Photos and go straight to SM. There's a bit of a line now so this will come in very handy. We show it to the CM and he congratulates us and ushers us through to the head of the line. But I stop. Turn around. And ask him for the Certificate back. He doesn't want to give it to me. This is a VERY conscientious CM. I promise not to use it, again, today if he'll let me keep it for a souvenier. DAMN! He hands it over. We ride SM. Head over to BTMR. There's about a ten minute wait. DH looks at me. NO WAY! I told you... I'm no lyin' cheater. Plus... holy bad example for the three kidlets! GEEZ! DH thought I had it in me, though. We wait for a bit and then ride BTMR. Calvin screams in my ear. Very loudly. Directly in my ear. I get angry. Proceed to lecture him WHILE we continue to ride the rollercoaster up, down and around... wagging my finger and all. Wow. The General would have been proud of THAT. Ride over. I stomp out with my ear ringing. He catches up and tries to give me his 'charming, sorry, love ya' face. No dice. We all decide we're very hungry and we head over to the Liberty Tree Tavern to see if they can fit us in for an early lunch. It's just shorty after 11am. No luck. We eat at Pecos Bills. Tommy falls off his chair. See the dining report if you want to see if he was alright or not. After lunch I put the boot down and insist that it's finally time to head over to Adventureland to do MY second most favourite ride in the Magic Kingdom. Pirates of the Carribean. There's not much of an argument from the troops. They know the lay of the land. Dead men tell no tales. And dead men don't get to ride Goofy's Barnstormer later, either.
To be continued...