Hmm. I understand where you're coming from, but I respectfully disagree in some ways.
I completely understand why some choose to be very strict, and I also understand that for those people contamination of their foods (for example, in non-designated friers) can make them sick, and absolutely if someone cooking for you buys food that will physically make you sick, I completely understand why that makes it very complicated, and why it's important that non-strict vegans don't make it harder.
However, I make my choices based on what I think causes the least suffering to animals in the aggregate, and I think that this happens when a larger group of people make more vegan choices. This will increase the availability of vegan products overall, and will make it easier for strict vegans to be strict. It also will have the greatest impact on the industry.
What I will say is that I'm very careful about who I eat what around. When I'm around people who I don't know very well and have only had short conversations about veganism with, I absolutely don't do things like put milk in my coffee around them. If it's a situation of hospitality and I haven't self-identified as vegan in advance (which is rare, but happens every once in a while because life is complicated), I won't always have the conversation with people if there's nothing else that I can eat around (because I don't want to make someone feel badly and they don't necessarily know that I'm vegan in the first place). I would never self-identify as vegan in a restaurant and then have a bakery product or dairy. However, I have very in-depth conversations with a lot of people about veganism, and they understand that the choices I make, although few and far between, are done for specific reasons and they also know that many vegans do choose to be very strict.
I don't like labels, but considering how passionate I am about vegan food, considering how much I cook it, share it with others, talk about it, and spread awareness, I DO call myself a vegan--both to myself, and often in public situations if I think it's appropriate (certainly not while I've got milk in my coffee if I'm talking to someone for the first time). I think it's really important to have conversations with people about abstaining from meat, eggs, and dairy, but please understand that this does not mean that I'm not VERY careful to make sure that the people I interact with do not have a faulty understanding of what veganism is, for the exact reason you mentioned.
Ultimately, I feel more comfortable and the people around me are more comfortable when I am occasionally flexible, and I think that does a LOT to promote veganism in general. I've found that when I'm not flexible, occasions often end up revolving around me and my eating habits, and people often find that kind of distasteful and self-absorbed of me and associate being vegan with being self-absorbed, and so I try to temper that by keeping things in perspective. (The birthday girl does not need to choose a restaurant around me. The server at that restaurant should be focusing on her, not me. The conversation should be about the birthday girl, not my veganism. I will order the best approximation I can off the menu, but the bread *might* have egg.)
This has been my personal experience, and although I really respect why you feel as you do, I really would hope that you'll reconsider being so harsh about labeling "vegan" or "not a vegan". I think it kind of undermines what we're all hoping for, which is that this lifestyle becomes more popular, that people are healthier, the environment is healthier, and fewer and fewer animals suffer with each year that passes.
Here's the thing - we're not all hoping for the same thing.
We don't all feel the same way you do. That's fine, what makes the world go round and all. However, this is NOT, to a great many, dare I say most of us, about 'strict' or 'flexible.'
They're words, they have meanings.
I know a moron (in far more ways than this), online who identifies as vegan because he believes in veganism and goes on about healthy foods and juices and etc., and eats pork and beef nd etc, if they're "natural" and not previously frozen and he says he's vegan because he like, eats vegan things a lot and feels it's got an amorphous meaning.
You may be very careful about not pouring milk in your coffee in front of people you've told you were vegan but not gone through the whole schpiel, but do you really think a. everyone gets it, b. all the other people you tell that this is ok to do, do the same?
It just spreads and it may not bother you but ask ANY actual vegan or vegetarian and you'll get more than one story of people giving them food that has things they do not eat in it because either they didn't get it, or because well, what's the big deal, it's just a little X.
If it doesn't bother YOU to have animal products, fine (this is how to tell you're not a vegan, heh). It does bother other people, a great deal. It doesn't have to be fatal for them to expect to not have it.
No, of course someone's event isn't about the guests. That has nothing to do with someone talking to the waiter taking their order and asking for what the place has that's appropriate. If there's nothing, then fine. If there's just plain salad, fine. But expecting people who actually are vegan to say 'well it's not important ...' is... not ok, imo. That's what this inaccuracy breeds, waitstaff who just say 'uhm yeah, it's got no animal products' and then 10 minutes later say 'well, I mean it has butter and egg but everything does, right? It's not a big deal.'
We do not share the same goals.
They're words with actual meaning. I mean would it be ok if someone said 'well, I'm an orthodox Jew, I keep kosher' and then eat bacon if it happened to be around? Or to say 'I'm allergic to onions! I can't have onions!' and then eat some onion rings because 'well, I don't like raw onions or sauteed but fried I like so I'm flexible' - it makes waitstaff, chefs, everyone, not believe people with actual allergies, same as the veg*** problem.
I can't stop you, obviously, but as someone who has had
countless 'no, I don't eat chicken... or fish... etc.' conversations because of this, it's irksome.
