Captains Log: Saturday, 26 July 2014.
12:02 a.m.Do I even need to say anything at this point?
3:39 a.m.Feeling inhuman.
4:30 a.m.After all the driving and sightseeing weve done, today is a much needed rest day in Phoenix. Naturally, this means Julie and Sarah are getting up now, at 4:30 a.m.
Theyre getting dressed as quietly as possible for a little mommy/daughter time: horseback riding!
Way back in the dark ages when Julie and I honeymooned here, the resort offered horseback riding as an amenity. The resort is surrounded by the North Mountain park, which features a lot of riding trails, and they had their own stable right there. It was a lot of fun, and when we had mentioned that in the past, Sarah had expressed a great deal of interest in trying it out. I was planning on taking the boys golfing later in the day, so it was only fair that the girls get to do something as well.
Unfortunately, the Pointe Hilton no longer offered horseback riding. So Julie did some research and found a ranch outside of Scottsdale that offered the same experience (and, critically, offered a Groupon deal for 2 riders). The 4:30 a.m. wake-up wasnt much fun, but they had to get there in time for a 6:00 a.m. departure. It made senseI wouldnt want some poor horse having to carry my fat rear end around in the middle of 110-degree heat with no water in sight. The early ride was to give the poor animals a break.
The only other worry was that Id be keeping the baby with me, and would have to feed him a bottle at some point. Hed given some other caregivers trouble with bottles in the past, so Julie and I were both nervous that he would refuse it and then start throwing tantrums due to hunger. Well see.
5:15 a.m.Julie and Sarah are out the door and off to have an adventure. They climb into the van.
Julie looks out her window, and is somewhat surprised to see Scotty standing there.
What are you doing out here? she asks.
I thought we were leaving, says Scotty, not entirely awake.
Julie walks Scotty back into the hotel room. We think he was somewhat awakened by the girls and then sort-of-sleepwalked with them outside. Thank goodness Julie saw him, or he might have been wandering the hotel grounds at 5 a.m. with no room key.
So yes, Scotty is still happening.
Lets try this again. Julie and Sarah drive off for their adventure. Since Im not with them, I have no idea how theyre doing, but Ill try and fill in the gaps as best I can.
6:00 a.m.The girls have arrived safely at
MacDonalds Ranch north of Scottsdale. Theyre busy getting outfitted with helmets and briefed on how to ride a horse without killing themselves. Someone looks like shes ready to ride:
Selfie Fail:
Meanwhile, I manage to get showered and dressed without waking the baby. So far, so good.
6:20 a.m.A few shots from around the ranch.
Ready to ride! I cant remember the names of their horses, so hopefully Julie will chime in and fill in that critical information.
Meanwhile, the baby is now awake. He seems content. So far, so good.
6:29 a.m.The girls are on the trail. The horses seem skittish. Something is rustling through the brush on either side, indicating possible pack behavior from intelligent creatures, bent on tracking their prey.
Meanwhile, Ive managed to find ESPN on the hotel TV and have turned on SportsCenter.
6:37 a.m.The first skirmishes with the wolves have begun. Right now, theyre just probing, looking for a weak spot in the group, but Sarahs deadeye aim with the rifle is keeping them at bay.
Meanwhile, I see that the Phillies lost again. It wasnt that long ago that they were actually good. Remember? Anyone?
Bueller?
6:46 a.m.The wolves pounce. One of the horses in the group has been hobbling, falling behind, providing just the sort of temptation for an easy meal the wolves have been looking for. Julie and Sarah ride headlong into the fray, guns blazing, and Julie scoops up the rider of the injured horse with one arm while keeping tight hold of the reins in the other. The poor horse is doomed, his last act a noble sacrifice to allow the rest of the group to make a clean getaway.
About the same time, I discover Drew has left me a gift in his diaper. Yay.
6:55 a.m.Ambush! Is it the Cherokee? Comanches? Hard to tell at the moment, but the group leader gives the order to circle the wagons. Things are looking grim, and theyre running out of ammo, but at the last moment, Julie and Sarah lead a desperate counter-charge, foiling the would-be raiding party.
The babys starting to fuss. I give him the bottle. No issues.
7:15 a.m.Julie and Sarah are heading back to the ranch. Exhausted, dirty, but also a little wiser, having been refined in the trials of hard country.
Ok, fine. You may or may not have figured out that I made all that stuff up. But really, I wasnt there, so I cant say for sure that it didnt happen. Also, I thought it sounded better than they rode around in the desert for an hour or two.
They did take a couple of photos. Julie had this view most of the time, which she said reminded her of me for some reason:
7:45 a.m.Drew really did have no issues with the bottle, thank goodness. The other boys are awake, and we all have our customary Pop Tart breakfast. We hang out watching Sportscenter for a while and then wander the resort grounds, just having fun finding the different swimming pools, walking on bridges from one building to the next, etc. Its a nice lazy morning.
8:30 a.m.Julie and Sarah are back, and apparently they had a blast! Sarah is raving about the experience. So is Julie, actually. And Im glad. It was quality girl time, a memorable experience, and there really were no issues with the baby. It all worked out. But now we need to wait for them to shower and change, since horseback riding in the desert makes one
how do I put this delicately? A little stinky.
9:15 a.m.Its pool time! Too far to walk down the mountain from our room to the main pool area, so we all pile into the van. We show our wristbands and we get right in. Only one problem: they dont have any towels. Seems the laundry truck has been delayed.
9:17 a.m.Another problem: the waterslide is broken. Maintenance is working on it, but the kids are disappointed.
9:18 a.m.Oh, well. Into the pool! Its summer in Phoenix, meaning its already warm enough to swim. Its a big pool, a nicely themed area, and we have a waterproof camera. This is an excuse for lots of cute swimming baby photos.
Chub!!!!!
None of the rest of us were having any fun, either.
Drew did great in his little innertube, but eventually we had to remove him because he started trying to drink the pool water.
This one cracks me up because it looks like a baby selfie.
We swim for the rest of the morning. At some point, they open up the waterslide and we manage to get a couple of rides in. Nothing out of the ordinary, but heyits a waterslide. By definition, its a lot of fun.
11:00 a.m.Its getting more and more crowded as the day grows hotter and the staycation crowds awaken and make their way to the pool. We need to get changed and ready for lunch, but we wander around and get some pictures of the pool area first. Also, the towels never showed up, so we need the chance to air-dry.
I am going to end with a photo of a hot tub. For some reason, nobody was using it at 11:00 in the morning on a 100-degree day. But thats not why I remember it. I remember it because it was the site of a memorable evening on our honeymoon 16 years ago.
Oh, stop. Get your minds out of the gutter.
Julie and I had just returned from a late dinner and were enjoying an evening swim. I saw the hot tub lit up for the night and suggested we jump in. It was a beautiful spot, nobody else was around, the skies were clear, and the lighting made everything look very inviting. Romantic, even. So we both climbed into the hot tub, relaxing in each others arms.
Not two minutes, later, we were savagely and repeatedly dive-bombed by a bat, apparently intent on claiming the hot tub as his territory. Ive never seen Julie move so fast, not in the 16 years since. I dont think we ever got in that hot tub again.
Coming Up Next: The kids still have no idea that were heading to
Disneyland tomorrow. Maybe we should tell them. Plus, our first In-N-Out burger! And, due to popular demand, desert golf pictures.
I totally believe that caption is 100% true.
That's kind of scary too. 
I'm staying in Mt Laurel and could come down your way. I'm flying in Monday afternoon so I have Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday free. I would love to meet up with you guys!
I wonder if they do them simultaneously...
