Thanksgiving feasts for food "differences?"

[VandVsmama]

I find it rude to not offer any single thing that a particular invited guest can eat.

Last night, we got our invitation for a New Years Day luncheon at a friend's home. The wife is the cook, and she is a very good one. There will be a total of 8 of us--some of us friends for 45 years.

Sure enough, she told me that she is having the exact meal she has served for the last several years: lasagna, a green salad and cannoli. She puts nuts on the salad (it is some fancier salad I can't recall since we haven't met for two years due to Covid) and then they are a part of the dessert as well. She makes her pasta sauce with celery. My daughter is allergic to both of those things, carries an Epi-pen at all times, etc.

This friend will not remove the celery when she makes the sauce, will not make up a separate salad plate without the nuts, and will not make a different stuffing for the cannoli or just have a different dessert. She is very inflexible.

I must bring an entire meal for my daughter and we live two hours away, across a state line. Last time, I was so irritated that I made a delicious baked ziti for her, a salad with all sorts of toppings, and a slice of a dessert I made at home. The friend seemed affronted that I had sort of duplicated her meal but made it one that wouldn't cause my daughter to go into anaphylactic shock if she ate it. What did she think I would do--bring a bag of McDonald's?

I would like to just not go--but we are going to be staying with two of the other guests for a couple of days afterward--very close and old friends--and that would make it awkward. Again, this is a very small gathering.

So, yeah. I think it is pretty rude to not accommodate in the slightest way. I am not a good cook, but I am a thoughtful and sensitive person, and I would have come up with something good to offer a guest I invited to my home who could not eat the three items I am making.

I totally understand.

My DH’s aunt has celiac disease. So she can’t have any gluten. She’s had this condition for a really long time now. Gets together regularly at the holidays with her 5 siblings and their families. And quite regularly, the only way she can actually eat anything is if she has brought her own food.

We’re talking about 15 years’ worth of her having celiac disease. So it’s not like they’re all just getting used to her having it. I’ve even gone so far as to go to a special gluten free bakery just to get a gluten free apple pie for her because I know that she never gets to have stuff like that anymore.

 

[kanne323]

I must bring an entire meal for my daughter and we live two hours away, across a state line. Last time, I was so irritated that I made a delicious baked ziti for her, a salad with all sorts of toppings, and a slice of a dessert I made at home. The friend seemed affronted that I had sort of duplicated her meal but made it one that wouldn't cause my daughter to go into anaphylactic shock if she ate it. What did she think I would do--bring a bag of McDonald's?

I agree inflexible although I will say perhaps it was a touch passive aggressive to make the meal you knew the person would be making just without the problem ingredients. Yes the person could find new recipes but for as much as you find that rude that they did not I would find it equally rude to make the same meal without it when you know there's tension already there. It's not the same as both parties agreeing to make two different types of things one with one without as I think people often can come to an agreement to do. My sister-in-law doesn't like taco seasoning (dunno why lol) but whenever there's beef made that would call for that like tacos one pan is with seasoning one without. That's a kind agreement made not one out of spite.

I grew up with many food allergies and had a child with even more. I'm a pro at bringing food places. But sometimes it really stinks to have to be eating something so different from everyone else, especially as a kid. If I'm going somewhere and know the food won't be safe, I bring my own. If they're serving a pasta dish with an allergen in it, what is so offensive about me bringing my own pasta dish? Tension or no tension... the daughter shouldn't have to eat something completely different if her mom can provide a safe version of what is being served. I think it's absurd that the hostess was miffed, and I don't see how it's passive-aggressive to ensure the person with the allergies can eat a friendly version of the meal, even if that means bringing a nearly identical but safe version yourself.

To answer the original question, my family holiday meals are full of allergies and medically-necessary alternatives. With about 24 people, we have shellfish, nut, peanut, pineapple, dairy, sesame, tomato, and celery allergies, and Celiac, eosinophilic esophagitis, and Crohn's causing dietary restrictions.We avoid peanuts and tree nuts being out, and have at least one dessert that is completely safe for that crowd (DD and cousin), made in a safe kitchen. DD avoids crackers if they have sesame or we haven't done a thorough vetting of the brand (sesame can be hidden.) Cousin avoids the celery and tomatoes on the veggie tray. So we don't eliminate every single allergen or trouble food, but do try to control exposures. We typically have gluten free Thanksgiving because it's at a GF house, though glutenous (as we call them) desserts and sides are allowed, just not made there. Sometimes we'll have GF gravy and regular gravy, and GF stuffing and regular stuffing, but our breads are all GFDF. This year, Thanksgiving is not at a GF house, so we will likely have both versions of everything applicable, with the GF crowd bringing safe dishes made in GF kitchens. I'm bringing a GFDF pie. We are very careful about serving utensils and cross contamination with gluten. It helps that there are a fair number of GF people in the family. Yay for genetics.

I'm allergic to shellfish and pineapple, so I don't eat appetizers, because once hands touch shrimp cocktail, they then touch other apps. Sometimes, I can snag a few pieces of cheese and (GF) crackers before the appetizers are set out, but I usually just eat a snack before going if I know it will be a while until the meal. And I don't shake hands with anyone, I avoid kisses, and I don't touch doorknobs. I've had too many contact reactions on holidays. Pineapple is easier on holidays, but can be sneaky at summer parties. It was at a work party where I learned that even if a fruit salad looks safe (no visible pineapple), I still need to ask (pineapple juice!)

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

If they're serving a pasta dish with an allergen in it, what is so offensive about me bringing my own pasta dish? Tension or no tension...

Well I gathered from the prior details this was a long suffering of annoyance for the PP. The act itself is neutral but there are def. ways to do it that add rather than lessen the already existing conflict. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the same food as everyone else, but if you're doing it "just to show 'em" which was more the vibe I got that's different as they said they got so irritated (and I can understand why they were). I didn't say the host was correct in continuing to make food year after year after year (I would have suggested to not go there but the PP already explained why they do), just that I understand how that could come across.

I don't see how it's passive-aggressive to ensure the person with the allergies can eat a friendly version of the meal, even if that means bringing a nearly identical but safe version yourself.

See above.

Sometimes things come down to pre-existing issues between people of which the PP had going over to this person's house for years knowing the outcome and was irritated enough last year to just make the same meal. No one would call making two ground meat pans for my sister-in-law passive aggressive or if she opted to cook her own and bring it because there's no irritation, no strife so that is going to be more of your comment above.

 

[DLgal]

I understand your viewpoint as a GUEST and I think most of us do the same as you and come prepared for the needs of our own kids. Certainly no one here has said differently. That doesn't mean HOSTS shouldn't want the food they serve to be edible and enjoyable for their guests. It's just two totally different topics, IMO.

Someday your kids will grow up and come to your home as guests at your Thanksgiving table and my guess is you will WANT to make food they can eat. That won't mean your kids are somehow selfish and insisting you do so.

My kids are not ever going to live independently so...

How do you not see the relevance in my response as a guest towards someone hosting who feels it is necessary, or important, to keep everyone's dietary restrictions in mind when planning a menu? That's a lot to work around.

I was just pointing out that I *never* expect a host to do that for me, so you would maybe see that you don't have to do anything specific to accommodate so many various food requirements. Just make what you want to make and people will eat what they can.

 

[DLgal]

I find it rude to not offer any single thing that a particular invited guest can eat.

Last night, we got our invitation for a New Years Day luncheon at a friend's home. The wife is the cook, and she is a very good one. There will be a total of 8 of us--some of us friends for 45 years.

Sure enough, she told me that she is having the exact meal she has served for the last several years: lasagna, a green salad and cannoli. She puts nuts on the salad (it is some fancier salad I can't recall since we haven't met for two years due to Covid) and then they are a part of the dessert as well. She makes her pasta sauce with celery. My daughter is allergic to both of those things, carries an Epi-pen at all times, etc.

This friend will not remove the celery when she makes the sauce, will not make up a separate salad plate without the nuts, and will not make a different stuffing for the cannoli or just have a different dessert. She is very inflexible.

I must bring an entire meal for my daughter and we live two hours away, across a state line. Last time, I was so irritated that I made a delicious baked ziti for her, a salad with all sorts of toppings, and a slice of a dessert I made at home. The friend seemed affronted that I had sort of duplicated her meal but made it one that wouldn't cause my daughter to go into anaphylactic shock if she ate it. What did she think I would do--bring a bag of McDonald's?

I would like to just not go--but we are going to be staying with two of the other guests for a couple of days afterward--very close and old friends--and that would make it awkward. Again, this is a very small gathering.

So, yeah. I think it is pretty rude to not accommodate in the slightest way. I am not a good cook, but I am a thoughtful and sensitive person, and I would have come up with something good to offer a guest I invited to my home who could not eat the three items I am making.

When you are talking about anaphylaxis level food allergies, do you ACTUALLY trust people to do something as simple as "leave the nuts off the salad?" I wouldn't. What about cross contamination in the kitchen? What if she didn't wash her hands after handling the nuts, or used the same spoon to stir the celery sauce and the non celery sauce she made special for your kid? In a situation like that, I can't see EVER trusting someone else cooking at home to provide safe foods for my child. I would absolutely show up with a bag from McDonald's at that point. How many kids would be sad about that, honestly?

 

[disykat]

DLgal, it is okay for me to want to make food my family can safely enjoy. This is my family we're talking about! THEY are not somehow selfish because I want them to feel comfortable, safe, and welcome at my table.

As a person with food allergies, I agree with you that people can't expect or demand that other people accommodate their allergies. Both conversations are valid, but they are two different conversations. I appreciate from your last post that you are saying that you were basically trying to look out for me though - all I was hearing was you accusing my family of being selfish - something they are not. It's not selfish to have a mom/MIL who wants to make food you can eat.

 

[mumto3girls]

One of my sisters has 2 of 3 kids who are gluten free as well as her husband. My oldest DD is vegetarian. We also have 2 kids in the extended family who have autism. One of the gluten free kids has autism but otherwise isn’t very picky. The other one is super picky and sometimes doesn’t even sit at the table for the meal. Then we have preferences—low carb, mostly white carb, no onions, no fruit and so on.

I make a tofurkey for oldest DD for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. When I make the broccoli casserole that our family likes for holiday meals I make my own gluten free cream of mushroom soup (it’s actually delicious) and leave the ritz crackers off of the top. At Christmas I make a brownie trifle. I used to double the recipe—now I make one regular and one gluten free. I do make regular rolls with gluten—my picky nephew with autism likes the crescent rolls (with the popping can). It’s one of the few parts of the meal he will eat so I have those. Usually the sister who has the gluten free kids/husband will bring rolls/bread for her people. I do the gravy with cornstarch instead of flour. In addition to the trifle at Christmas, I also do cookie trays. Many of those have gluten. I figure as long as they have a few dessert options, they don’t have to be able to eat every option. One of my sisters often brings a few veggie dishes—typically sautéed mushrooms as well as Brussel sprouts with bacon. She usually pulls out a few of the brussel sprouts for DD before she adds the bacon

 

[NotUrsula]

I try to cook some things that folks with issues can eat, but I do not have time to study and master a whole lot of divergent cuisines, so I stay fairly close to my comfort zone. I have a certain number of issues with vegetarians because I'm allergic to soy, which 9 out of 10 times means that any "alternative protein" they will eat I cannot. (I can tolerate small amounts of additive soy in most foods, but whole dishes made of soy proteins are too much for me, so I will not eat tofu or tempeh.)

Since I cannot eat soy I've never learned to cook it, and my understanding is that it can be tricky to do well. What I normally do for vegetarians is make something with beans for them as a protein. I don't really make casserole side dishes, so most of my sides are fine for vegetarians. (Vegans need to warn me and I'll switch to margarine instead of butter.)

I really don't do separate foods for keto people; there are plenty enough dishes on my table that don't contain any grains that they should be OK just being picky, and that covers the gluten-free people, too. I'm not going to leave the bread out of the meal because they will tempted, however; if you come, you exercise your own self-control.

What I will NOT do in my own home on a major holiday is refuse to serve certain traditional dishes because some of my guests may have ethical or preference issues with them. I have an atheist vegetarian SIL who hates the sight of ham, says it's offensive. I'm not taking the Christmas ham away from everyone else just so she doesn't have to look at it. If it's really that much of an issue for her she can simply decline the invitation to dinner and come later when it's off the table. (Now, if I was having a small gathering for dinner on a random Tuesday and had invited an observant Jew or Muslim, then of course I wouldn't serve ham, but I don't think it's fair to expect that kind of accomodation when attending someone else's feast day celebration that is tied to cultural traditions. This family is Irish-Catholic and German-Catholic; it follows that on Christmas there will be ham.)

 

[BayouQueen]

We have gluten-free and dairy-free in our family. I always make sure there are at least a couple of things on the menu that they can eat. I'll use a thickener other than flour if I'm making something with a sauce, and always have gluten-free crackers in the mix for the appetizers. Nowadays, I always add a green salad to the menu, because it's easy and they can make a meal of it, if necessary. Plain oil and vinegar always works for their dressing.

That's my effort to be a good hostess, but I don't let anyone come in and start cooking their own food. By now everyone knows we don't have enough oven space or stove burners for mixing it up in the kitchen, so don't even try -- except, of course, for people like our fellow Dis pie baker who needs to finish off pumpkin pies when they arrive for the holiday. For things like that, we pre-arrange our oven time.

That's just how things go here at our house.

 

[tzolkin]

Of course I would never expect a host to cater to my particular dietary needs, but when I host I do try to have something special or change my usual recipe slightly to accommodate others. To me, it's a nice way to let the person know that you cared about them enough to make an attempt to help them feel comfortable and included.

My dad was diagnosed with celiac when I was an infant, so it has been over 40 years of having to have separate food or make minor changes to ensure something at the meal is gluten free so he can eat. I suppose it just doesn't seem like a major inconvenience to me since I have been around it my entire life. (And, back in the day, it was much more challenging since there were not "gluten free" products that you could buy at the grocery store).

 

[Moliphino]

There are no major allergies or aversions among our usual Thanksgiving group. There's enough variety for the pickier eaters to work around.

I have some family members with gluten and dairy sensitivities, but they don't avoid either 100% or have to worry about cross contamination. I do try to have at least some snacks they can eat on hand when they visit (have never hosted a full on meal, get togethers are usually just lots of snacks).

 

[unrequited23]

We tend to just do a rough skin on garlic mashed potatoes with no milk if anyone needs gluten free dairy free, but for some reason I like smooth potatoes on Thanksgiving.

When I need to make dairy-free mashed potatoes I use chicken broth and the smart balance spread with the red lid, plus the normal salt and pepper. It gives it a lighter, somehow more potatoey flavor.

I needed to be dairy-free/soy-free one year that my mom was hosting. I bought her 3 or 4 containers of butter substitutes that I could have and she was gracious enough to use it for stuffing, mashed potatoes (used broth, too), veggies and on the table for rolls. I brought dairy/soy free rolls and dessert. I don't know if I would have been so forward if it wasn't my mom.

When I host others I always ask about allergies, preferences or any religious observances. (Sometimes my best friend gives up cheese & wine for lent, other times he goes back to being vegan, sometimes he fasts until 7pm, etc.)

 

[JLTraveling]

I honestly have no idea. Our big family Thanksgiving meals have always been potluck. The host makes the turkey and stuffing, and everyone else signs up for various sides/desserts. Mostly it's all family recipes that we've had at the holidays forever, and everyone knows the recipes. So they know what they can and can't eat, there's about three times as much food as we need, and everyone ends up full and happy.

 

[Mysterian]

I remember a kid's book from back in the day, Mexicali Soup. A mother is preparing soup for her family, and everyone in the family's inviting friends who don't like X or Y ingredient. With each request, another ingredient is removed. In order to please everyone, she ends up serving hot water.

This moral tale, along with my recipe for economy stuffing, will serve you all well in the coming weeks.

 

[_19disnA]

To me there is a difference between not liking something and being allergic (or similar medical issues). I don't like mushrooms, but if you choose to make your gravy with them, I either won't use the gravy or will push aside the mushrooms. If you are inviting a family member to your house for a meal who you know has certain allergies and insist on using ingredients you know could be harmful to them seems insensitive or tone deaf to me.

 

[prairie_girl]

I am the only one with allergies so my family just omits any nuts or doesn’t look for recipes with nuts at all. Yes, I trust them to make sure I am safe.

 

[tzolkin]

To me there is a difference between not liking something and being allergic (or similar medical issues). .. If you are inviting a family member to your house for a meal who you know has certain allergies and insist on using ingredients you know could be harmful to them seems insensitive or tone deaf to me.

Agreed. To me, it's not much trouble to either come up with a meal that does not include the allergens, or at least have one or two dishes that are "safe" for that person to eat. In my opinion, if it's just a trivial amount of effort to make something special, why would I instead purposely not have anything for them to eat so they have to sit there hungry and then go purchase food after they leave?

I have never had someone appear entitled or expect this, so perhaps I would feel differently if I had. If I invite someone new, I always ask if they have any allergies/restrictions/dislikes. Typically, the response is "I'm allergic to X/I'm a vegetarian/I don't like Y, but please don't worry about making anything special for me." If it's someone I know well, I'll just point out when they arrive-- "This and that are vegetarian" or "Don't eat this one, but that one over there is gluten free"

 

[Moliphino]

To me there is a difference between not liking something and being allergic (or similar medical issues). I don't like mushrooms, but if you choose to make your gravy with them, I either won't use the gravy or will push aside the mushrooms. If you are inviting a family member to your house for a meal who you know has certain allergies and insist on using ingredients you know could be harmful to them seems insensitive or tone deaf to me.

Agreed, and I would do my best to avoid using an ingredient someone was allergic to. If someone has anaphylactic allergies, celiac, strict vegan, etc., though, I'm not sure I would want to be responsible for guaranteeing that the food was 100% free of any hint of an allergen/gluten/animal products.

 

[bcla]

Strangely enough, I think going out with a buffet is a pretty good way to avoid all that with a lot of variety. I've mentioned the Thanksgiving buffets I've had over the years. Maybe a few times at tribal casinos before heading out Black Friday shopping. I think my parents took me to Reno a few times that day and those buffets were interesting. I recall Circus Circus Reno still had cheap buffets even on Thanksgiving, and although the lines were ridiculous. And one Thanksgiving at the Cosmopolitan in Vegas was incredible although it was $50 per adult. The line was around 3 hours, but we had friend who had arrived early and they let us in to join them while we skipped the line.

 

[Travel60]

With a small group (1-2 other couples), I really try to find recipes that all can eat - vegetarian, low-carb, gluten free, allergies.

For a crowd, I do a salad bar....lettuce, spinach, variety raw vegys, cheeses, bacon bits, chopped deviled eggs, chopped nuts, maybe a chopped meat. Make it yourself. Then whatever else I want to serve.