I must bring an entire meal for my daughter and we live two hours away, across a state line. Last time, I was so irritated that I made a delicious baked ziti for her, a salad with all sorts of toppings, and a slice of a dessert I made at home. The friend seemed affronted that I had sort of duplicated her meal but made it one that wouldn't cause my daughter to go into anaphylactic shock if she ate it. What did she think I would do--bring a bag of McDonald's?
I agree inflexible although I will say perhaps it was a touch passive aggressive to make the meal you knew the person would be making just without the problem ingredients. Yes the person could find new recipes but for as much as you find that rude that they did not I would find it equally rude to make the same meal without it when you know there's tension already there. It's not the same as both parties agreeing to make two different types of things one with one without as I think people often can come to an agreement to do. My sister-in-law doesn't like taco seasoning (dunno why lol) but whenever there's beef made that would call for that like tacos one pan is with seasoning one without. That's a kind agreement made not one out of spite.
I grew up with many food allergies and had a child with even more. I'm a pro at bringing food places. But sometimes it really stinks to have to be eating something so different from everyone else, especially as a kid. If I'm going somewhere and know the food won't be safe, I bring my own. If they're serving a pasta dish with an allergen in it, what is so offensive about me bringing my own pasta dish? Tension or no tension... the daughter shouldn't have to eat something completely different if her mom can provide a safe version of what is being served. I think it's absurd that the hostess was miffed, and I don't see how it's passive-aggressive to ensure the person with the allergies can eat a friendly version of the meal, even if that means bringing a nearly identical but safe version yourself.
To answer the original question, my family holiday meals are full of allergies and medically-necessary alternatives. With about 24 people, we have shellfish, nut, peanut, pineapple, dairy, sesame, tomato, and celery allergies, and Celiac, eosinophilic esophagitis, and Crohn's causing dietary restrictions.We avoid peanuts and tree nuts being out, and have at least one dessert that is completely safe for that crowd (DD and cousin), made in a safe kitchen. DD avoids crackers if they have sesame or we haven't done a thorough vetting of the brand (sesame can be hidden.) Cousin avoids the celery and tomatoes on the veggie tray. So we don't eliminate every single allergen or trouble food, but do try to control exposures. We typically have gluten free Thanksgiving because it's at a GF house, though glutenous (as we call them) desserts and sides are allowed, just not made there. Sometimes we'll have GF gravy and regular gravy, and GF stuffing and regular stuffing, but our breads are all GFDF. This year, Thanksgiving is not at a GF house, so we will likely have both versions of everything applicable, with the GF crowd bringing safe dishes made in GF kitchens. I'm bringing a GFDF pie. We are very careful about serving utensils and cross contamination with gluten. It helps that there are a fair number of GF people in the family. Yay for genetics.
I'm allergic to shellfish and pineapple, so I don't eat appetizers, because once hands touch shrimp cocktail, they then touch other apps. Sometimes, I can snag a few pieces of cheese and (GF) crackers before the appetizers are set out, but I usually just eat a snack before going if I know it will be a while until the meal. And I don't shake hands with anyone, I avoid kisses, and I don't touch doorknobs. I've had too many contact reactions on holidays. Pineapple is easier on holidays, but can be sneaky at summer parties. It was at a work party where I learned that even if a fruit salad looks safe (no visible pineapple), I still need to ask (pineapple juice!)
