thanksgiving family conflict question

[quandrea]

Hi everyone. Just wanted some opinions. I am starting to plan thanksgiving (it's in Oct in Canada). Am the mother of a DD 6, and year old twins. Problem is timing of dinner with my side of the family. They do dinner every year in the evening. That is the worst possible time of day for my twins. They basically are miserable from six pm onwards and are in bed at 7:30pm. When I suggested that we have dinner at my place this year so I can put the babies to bed, my family shot it down. They want the fun of cooking and doing the table (I said they could do this at my house). I also suggested that we might do it earlier in the day. No go. They said that everyone would understand if we did not attend. My family always does everything in the evening even though they know it is hard on my kids. My guys are the only children in the family. What to do? I feel really mad, but maybe I'm the one with the problem. Let me know. Brutal honesty please.

 

[Bren's Mom]

If you've offered your home, offered to let THEM do what they want at your home (in terms of the table etc) and suggested a different time and they are not compromising with you, the only family members with kids, then I say just plan your own table for 5 party at a time that's convenient for you.

 

[NMAmy]

I'll try not to be too brutal but I do think you're wrong to try to reschedule the entire family to meet your childrens' bedtime.

They've said they understand if you don't attend. That seems fine to me--just have a Thanksgiving with your immediate family until your kids are older and can stay up without fussing. I don't see it as anything to get mad about.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Hi everyone. Just wanted some opinions. I am starting to plan thanksgiving (it's in Oct in Canada). Am the mother of a DD 6, and year old twins. Problem is timing of dinner with my side of the family. They do dinner every year in the evening. That is the worst possible time of day for my twins. They basically are miserable from six pm onwards and are in bed at 7:30pm. When I suggested that we have dinner at my place this year so I can put the babies to bed, my family shot it down. They want the fun of cooking and doing the table (I said they could do this at my house). I also suggested that we might do it earlier in the day. No go. They said that everyone would understand if we did not attend. My family always does everything in the evening even though they know it is hard on my kids. My guys are the only children in the family. What to do? I feel really mad, but maybe I'm the one with the problem. Let me know. Brutal honesty please.

Personally, in our family Thanksgiving isn't that big of a deal. In fact last year, DH, DD and I ate at Ohana. I would say to start making your own traditions with your children. Have your Thanksgiving at your home. Invite your family with the understanding that they will all probably say no. Invite your ILs or friends. But do what's best for your immediate family. While we try to incorporate extended family into all of our holidays, we are not a slave to everyone else's whims and desires. But that's just what works for us. Good luck with everything. Sometimes family dynamics can be tough.

 

[NMAmy]

Hi everyone. Just wanted some opinions. I am starting to plan thanksgiving (it's in Oct in Canada). Am the mother of a DD 6, and year old twins. Problem is timing of dinner with my side of the family. They do dinner every year in the evening. That is the worst possible time of day for my twins. They basically are miserable from six pm onwards and are in bed at 7:30pm. When I suggested that we have dinner at my place this year so I can put the babies to bed, my family shot it down. They want the fun of cooking and doing the table (I said they could do this at my house). I also suggested that we might do it earlier in the day. No go. They said that everyone would understand if we did not attend. My family always does everything in the evening even though they know it is hard on my kids. My guys are the only children in the family. What to do? I feel really mad, but maybe I'm the one with the problem. Let me know. Brutal honesty please.

Almost forgot.

 

[mjkacmom]

My parents have been hosting Thanksgiving dinner for 40 years now. During this time, the time dinner is served has been changed numerous times, because of children and grandchildren, naptimes and bedtimes. Heck, the last few years, my dd needed to be 2 hours away at 6 pm on Thanksgiving, so dinner was more like lunch!

 

[RadioFanatic]

I guess I'm looking at things differently. I DO agree with the PP who have said that you should just do your own thing. HOWEVER, I don't blame you one bit for feeling upset. Essentially, they have told you that they would rather keep the same time than have your family there. Unless there was a particular reason why they couldn't do it earlier in the day, ie someone else couldn't make it, I don't see why they couldn't move things earlier so you could be there too. In my family, we would have moved things bc we would have wanted the family all there if there was a way it could be done. Did they give a particular reason why they didn't want to make it earlier or was it just bc that's the way it is always done?

 

[Domas]

They practically told you not to come, so don`t. You have your own kids, they are your family now so plan everything in your life around them...I do and I love it, no stress, no problems, my time-my decisions...

 

[mookie]

I can see both sides....and having 3 kids of my own, I know how hard those holidays and late nights with family can be. To me, it just isn't worth it, and as long as they are willing to understand that you can't make it, or don't want to...consider it a bonus of not having the hassle of the kids and not having the harrassment of family if you are not there. I can't tell you how many times at Christmas I wanted to just stay home and not go anywhere so the kids can have an enjoyable time playing with their toys. Holidays are hard on kids, and if your family is okay with you skipping it, I would go for it. However, if it bothers you more because you aren't there...you might want to be more persistant. If they don't go for it, see how it goes this year staying home. You might have just started a new (and possibly better!) family tradition! Good luck!

 

[sparklynails23]

It's one day. Take the kids, enjoy your family, and leave when the kids get grumpy, whether you've eaten or not. I'm not sure if the focus of Thanksgiving in Canada in eating, because that's pretty much what it is in the U.S., well that and giving thanks. You can't expect your family to change tradition because some one-year olds might get fussy.

 

[golfgal]

I would bring a port a crib for the twins, put them down at their normal time or as close to it as possible and enjoy your evening. If your kids are the only kids in the family they are going to get a lot of attention and often the commotion at these things keeps them entertained. You are going to miss a lot of family things if you won't be adaptable with your kids' schedule. In my experience at family gatherings, the kids get so tired that bedtime is rarely an issue.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I also feel that it is not really reasonable to expect everyone to plan around such an early bedtime for your babies.

HOWEVER, IT IS THE INVITATION TO NOT COME AT ALL "we understand if you do not come".... that is bothering me here..... That sounds thoughtless and disrespectful.... I think that there are some slightly deeper issues going on.

Why not go and enjoy visiting with family, and then make an early exit? Or, are they even making that possibility 'difficult' for you????

I do totally and completely understand your feelings!!!!
It's TOUGH with small children!!!!
Most of us have been there.
Sometimes you just have to plan on leaving early and missing out on some things. Happened to me, as my son was not an easy-going, easy traveling, baby. Quite the opposite. Found out later that the fact that the was very very easily overstimulated and worn-out was due to a disability. There was one family event where the meal was delayed, and we left before we even were able to eat....

You just have to remember that, with nobody else having small children, and with perhaps, some of them thinking that 'one should just drag the children along and not cater to their needs... MAKE the babies adjust'... etc... (my inlaws were in this camp ) That you just might not find the understanding and the accomodation that you are hoping for. Not everyone, even family, understands.

Again,

I do know that if my child(ren) were 'disinvited' to an event/holiday such as Christmas... That would pretty much be the end of things.

 

[Abbie]

I guess I'm looking at things differently. I DO agree with the PP who have said that you should just do your own thing. HOWEVER, I don't blame you one bit for feeling upset. Essentially, they have told you that they would rather keep the same time than have your family there. Unless there was a particular reason why they couldn't do it earlier in the day, ie someone else couldn't make it, I don't see why they couldn't move things earlier so you could be there too. In my family, we would have moved things bc we would have wanted the family all there if there was a way it could be done. Did they give a particular reason why they didn't want to make it earlier or was it just bc that's the way it is always done?

I agree. I'm stunned that the family will not entertain any other possibilities in order to have the family together.

That said, I'd run with the idea of being excused and just have a nice Thanksgiving with your immediate family!

 

[quandrea]

Thanks for all the feedback. I was thinking to just go and see what happens. If they are miserable, so be it. My family is definitely of the camp to just take the kids and go with the flow. They don't get that having two screaming babies takes much of the fun out of it. Perhaps staying home will be best for all of us. We'll have our own fun and no one will feel they have to accommodate us. When I was little, I remember that all our events were held in the daytime. I susupect this was to accommodate children's moods, etc. Who knows what will happen. I have some time to think about it. My husband says thanksgiving isn't a big deal and to just stay home. I think it's harder for me because the whole thing makes me feel disconnected from my family.

 

[bgirldeb]

If they won't budge in any way to accommodate your one-year old TWINS, and basically gave you an excuse not to come, I would say, don't go, and have a nice time at home together. Maybe by the following year your family will be more up to working with the 'in stone' evening schedule.

 

[Rora]

I'd go, visit for awhile and then leave in time for the kids to be happy campers and be put to bed. I think it's ridiculous your family won't even listen to other ideas so the family can be together. But, if that's the way it's going to be, okay. It might be more fun to just celebrate at home anyways!

You have two choices: drop in for a bit, then leave or simply don't attend.

Sorry you're in this situation, OP!

 

[sparklynails23]

I think they were just trying to be understanding by telling you it was ok if you didn't come. I'm sure they really want you and the kids there.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I think they were just trying to be understanding by telling you it was ok if you didn't come. I'm sure they really want you and the kids there.

If they did, they would have tried to compromise on the timing.

 

[Hannathy]

I'll try not to be too brutal but I do think you're wrong to try to reschedule the entire family to meet your childrens' bedtime.

I agree. You are the one that doesn't like the time so you have to be the one to change.

In truth I was never rigid about not ever bending my kids routines. I always figured being flexible was the best thing for them in the long run. They adjusted as needed. Being off their routine for 1 day to be with family isn't going to affect them one bit but you never know when it is the last Thanksgiving everyone will be together. Do you want to miss that just to stick to a routine?

Go if they get cranky you have lots of arms available and if they fall asleep plop them on a bed or couch somewhere and enjoy your family being together.

 

[java]

I say stay home.

We are in the midst of our own "thanksgiving" crisis. It all revolves around my mom's desire to go down early to Florida. So she wants to host Thankschristgivingmas at her house- combining both holidays into one. Well We never go to her house for Thanksgiving to begin with - she lives 4 hours away and dh has to work on Friday.

So we offered for them to come here. - no go I got "well I'll just invite your brother and sister over then"

Fine.

I am in my 40's and no longer worry about making everyone else happy at the expense of my own family. I'll host at my house for whoever wants to come over. (I'm thinking we'll have about 12 extra people added this year) It's your holiday too.