Thank you gift for very sweet but very messy, overweight woman?

[AmoDolphin]

Edit: Ooops! I didn't realize that DD was logged in. This is Barb D.

Originally posted by chager
[(A little insight to messy houses...sometimes there is only one person that will clean and when that one person is REALLY busy with say, homeschooling, running people everywhere, helping with family issues, and anything else that comes up the house usually gets out of control. At this point it is so overwhelming it is hard to decide where to start cleaning. It is usually more clutter then trash. My house just looks like it is under construction As far as the overweight thing goes...see above and try to fit in a trip to the gym while feeling guilty that the house is in such a disarray!)

Relax...I'm sure she will appreciate whatever you decide to do. [/B]

Chager, sounds like you and I have a lot in common! Now add working 30 hours a week into that schedule.

For the poster who suggested a Merry Maids gift certificate...that's a great idea except that your house has to be reasonably clean (as in surfaces uncluttered, etc.) before the cleaners can clean it. I have a cleaning service come in every other week, and spend several hours before they get here "cleaning for the cleaners." This is the only thing that keeps my house from getting totally out of control. In the past when it HAS been totally out of control, it would have taken literally weeks to get it to the point where cleaners could have come in and done any good.

I'd go for the B&N gift certificate. Then if SHE chooses she can get a self-help book....or she could choose a novel so that she can relax and escape her obviously stressful surroundings for a while.

(And Carolyn, do you know that as a hser you get to use the 20% educators discount at B&N and Borders for anything you'd use for school?)

 

[Mskanga]

Here is my opinion based on my own life;
There's no excuse for someone to have a house trashed or full of clutter other than a personal choice. I work 30 hours a week, I volunteer in both of my kids schools , I take care of family issues and activities, I help the kids with homework , and I still clean my house daily. I am far from being organized but I sure try to make everyone help out.
I just don't know where the overweight ussue comes into play here, I clean houses one day a week aside from my job and I have seen houses where the mom is very skinny and you couldn't walk in the house without stepping on something. We ( my friend and I ) actually did one house of someone we know last week and decided that we will never EVER go back there again , the husband spent two hours just on one floor getting everything off the floors and putting it on couches and beds, how can you clean like that? It was a nightmare , they even said they never throw anything out. It was a good thing it was two of us!
BTW, that mom is a lot skinnier than I am , doesn't work and her kids are in school all day.
I guess what I am trying to say is that having a messy house is just a personal choice.

 

[Tinkerbutt]

I got royally flamed on this board once for admitting I tossed out a gift I didn't enjoy. No one can win here.

I sell mine on ebay!

I hate flowers and candy (not a big sweets eater and flowers just die!) I love the manicure idea....how about a pedicure...that is much more relaxing and it is the perfect time of year for that!

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by Mskanga
I guess what I am trying to say is that having a messy house is just a personal choice.

-----------------------------------

Not necessarily.. I recently learned that there is a form of OCD that results in "hoarding" (the inability to part with anything) and severe depression (the clinical form) can result in the inability to make the choices necessary in terms of what should go and what should stay..

As for the OP and the way she presented her question here - I don't see how else she could have stated the problem without including the specifics that were making her decision so difficult..

Do NOT buy a "self-help" book (a ridiculous suggestion in light of the obvious issues going on there).. A nice gift certificate would be more appropriate..

Don't be afraid to come back and let us know what your choice was.. I think it's SUPER that you want to do this!!

 

[chager]

Originally posted by AmoDolphin

(And Carolyn, do you know that as a hser you get to use the 20% educators discount at B&N and Borders for anything you'd use for school?)

Cool...I'll have to see where one is that is close to me!

Oh...I have decided my house has a bad case of "flat sufaceitis" If the surface is flat then something will be set on it! Well since I'm not required to be anywhere this morning I am off to start combating the flat surfaceitis. I also have to find my SS Card for the parttime job I was just hired for. SO now I can add part time job to my list.

 

[AmoDolphin]

Originally posted by Mskanga
Here is my opinion based on my own life;
There's no excuse for someone to have a house trashed or full of clutter other than a personal choice. ...I guess what I am trying to say is that having a messy house is just a personal choice.

I have to disagree here. It is not a personal choice to have a messy house. It happens very well on its own, without any help.

It IS a personal choice to do something about it. And yes, there is a difference there. Once it gets to the point that apparently the OPs friend's house has gotten to, it can be overwhelming to get out of it. It can be done, but it's a monumental effort, and she's obviously already very busy. She's going to need a major motivator -- like moving -- to get it done.

Oh, and this is Barb D again.

 

[sha_lyn]

I have to disagree here. It is not a personal choice to have a messy house. It happens very well on its own, without any help.

ITA with the first 2 sentences. However mine doesn't happen "on its own" but I have no control over what DH, does, and I have seem to have very little control over what DD and DS do. Then throw 2 dogs and 2 cats into the mess. If they would only pick up after themselves them I would have time
to keep the rest of the "mess" under control. One thing I do find is the less time you spend at home the messier it gets. We are running in and out all the time. Laundry tends to get washed but not put away. Groceries get bought but only the cold stuff gets put up etc.

 

[MeanLaureen]

Originally posted by Mskanga
Here is my opinion based on my own life;
There's no excuse for someone to have a house trashed or full of clutter other than a personal choice. .

I beg to differ with this...

It sure as heck isn't my personal choice that my house is a wreck right now. I work 9 hours a day working with an illness that 90% of the people in my stage are on diability and some bed ridden. I spend a total of 90 minutes with the commute. I normally get about 12 hours of sleep to be able to recover from work but I've been taking time away from that to spend time with my mom at the rehab center and then I get maybe 45 minutes to spend on the computer and with my husband. My days off - one is spent 95% in bed to recoup and the other I try to get something done but walking from one room to the next is so painful that I have to psych myself up for it before I do it. Basically I reserve ALL my energy for the 45 hours at work. I do it because I do NOT want to give up and go on disability. Now - my house is a mess. I just CAN'T do it myself. Are you telling me this is my personal choice?? And that there is no reason or excuse as to why I am living in this right now? Good thing I have a couple of vacation days coming up where maybe I can get some cleaning done - I would hate to think people assume I'm just a lazy slob for no reason

 

[winniedapooh]

Just wanted to add here that a few have suggested a manicure and a pedicure. I got a gift certificate for one last year. While I might and that is a big might enjoy the manicure I would never do the pedicure. This is just me.....I ended up giving it to my DD who is 14 prior to school trip to VA beach. I think the movie, book, store gift certificates would be more practical. JMHO.

 

[MeanLaureen]

ack, I got so cheesed off I forgot to add my recommendation..lol

If she is busy taking care of kids and helping her husband at work she might not get a lot of time to do a manicure or use a gift certificate

How about going to Bath and Bodyworks and getting her an assortment of lotions, gels, etc. or going to Yankee candle and getting her a nice scented candle?

 

[sha_lyn]

I just had to comment on the "drama" here.

Yes I do see the title as offensive. I really get the feeling that the OP did not mean it that way however. I think the OP was thinking out loud about why what she would usually buy would not work (ie baking something or buying flowers).

Why don't you ask her son what she likes. Some items mentioned here would never get used by myself or most women in my family. We all have sensitive skin, so lotions etc are usually out, as would be a manicure or pedicure. Gift certificate are nice but IMHO not "personalized".

Perhaps you are over looking a crafty skill that you have? Really I had rather have a home made gift from the heart that a store bought gift. What you spend on it doesn't matter, it is the thought behind it that counts. I really think your heart is in the right place, even if your wording wasn't tactful.

 

[sha_lyn]

I'm not being judgmental (my house wouldn't win any prizes) but with the way she keeps her house and yard, I don't think flowers would be meaningful to her.

LOL not to beat a dead horse... BUT...

I think what most of us find offensive is the tone that she is messy because her house and yard is a mess. Maybe if she lived alone I could see putting it at her feet, but she has a DH and at least one child that contributes to that mess and aparently contributes little to fixing the problem. Flowers might be very meaningful to her. You can't judge her likes and dislike from how the family's home is .

 

[RitaZ.]

My mom always says that the way a person keeps their house has no reflection on what kind of person they are. When a person dies, no one says, "Gee, her house sure was clean". Think about it...

I think that giving her a gift will make her feel appreciated. I think that the OP has used this to opportunity to also vent about the woman's lifestyle, somewhat of a hidden agenda.

My son's friend (they go to different schools) showed up at our door earlier this week, apparently he forgot his key so he couldn't get in their house. He wanted to call his mom at work to let her know, he called her cell and work numbers and there was no answer. I suggested that he call his dad, but he said "No". It was my birthday and we had plans to go to dinner. I told him that he could stay for two hours, then go home and wait in their patio. He was thrilled that I offered that and left after 5, his mom would be home at 6. Do you think that mom or dad thanked me for watching their son for two hours? Never heard a thing from them, that is until they need another favor. I wonder what the kids told their parents about my house...

 

[sha_lyn]

Do you think that mom or dad thanked me for watching their son for two hours?

Just wait until you get cussed out when you aren't home and the parents expect (yes expected did not ask me, but told their son that I was always home and to go to my house if the mother wasn't at home) you to be their back up if no one is at home when the bus drops their 6 yr old off. DS had a Dr's appointment that day right after school. I met him in the car at the bus stop. This 6 yr old walked home alone every day (about 1/4 mile) so of course it didn't even occure to me or any other mothers at the bus stop that he would be stuck on his front porch for 2 hrs because his mom decided to work over. The next day (That AM at the bus stop I think) the mother let me have it up one side and down the other. somehow it was my fault that her son didn't have a sitter.

 

[TeresaNJ]

To the OP, I totally see where you are coming from, but as soon as I read the title of your post, I knew you were going to get some nasty replies. I see you now realize it should have been worded differently, but understand your concerns, and I don't think you have a hidden agenda, as someone pointed out.

You could have been writing about my mother-in-law. Believe it or not, in the six years I have known my DH, I have NEVER been to his parent's house. He won't bring me there, and they've never invited me, although they do visit us quite frequently. According to DH, his parent's house is a total mess. Not for lack of money, but for some unknown reason. DH says it was a nightmare growing up there, never being able to have friends over, lying to friends when they asked to come over, being ashamed of his living conditions. Thank God his very neat grandmother lived around the corner, as that is where he went every day after school to visit with his friends.

His mother did work nights as an RN, so did sleep during the day, but still, why was the house totally out of control? I have ridden by the house, and from the outside it looks perfectly acceptable, but DH says there is not one square inch on the inside that has a free space. Can't sit on a piece of furniture, can barely find a bare spot on the floor to walk. Trash, clothes, stacks of newspapers, etc., everywhere. DH's parents never speak of it, and no one brings it up.

When DH's sister was pregnant for the first time, DH and sister went to their parents' house for several weekends in a row trying to clean it up, so that eventually sister could visit parents' with new grandchild. DH had so many wonderful memories of the time he spent with his grandparents that he wanted his new niece or nephew to have the same experience. Well after weeks of finally making a dent in the mess, he couldn't go for a few weekends after, and when he returned he said the house was the same if not worse than it was before. He was totally discouraged and gave up. Now sister has two children 4 & 6, who have never been to their grandparents' house. When sister comes to visit, she lives 2 1/2 hours away, they stay at a local Holiday Inn.

We've asked ourselves a million times why DH's parents live the way they do, and can't figure it out. It is definitely some kind of OC disorder, as obviously, they don't part with anything. But the funny thing is, they love to come to our house, and while I'm not a neat freak, I do try to keep things in some kind of order, and am always cleaning up the kitchen when they are over, washing dishes, wiping counters, etc., and it doesn't seem to make them uncomfortable. It's weird, because when they are over, they are perfectly content to sit at the kitchen table, leafing through my magazines, drinking pots and pots of coffee, and never seeming to want to leave. I feel like my house is their escape. It does cause some problems between DH and I at times. Also when DH's sister visits with the kids, our house becomes the weekend meeting place, which really aggravates me, as obviously they can't go to parents' house. Now I love seeing my two little nephews, but I feel used sometimes because of the way DH's parents choose to live.

So when I have to buy DH's parents a gift, I'm usually stumped. Do I buy something to add more clutter? Should I care if I add to the clutter? We have gotten them gift subscriptions to magazines that they like, oh on another side note, DH's dad is obsessive about watching home and garden shows, Martha Stewart, etc., and always talking about what he wants to do to the house!! Very strange, considering no one is allowed to step foot into it. Mother-in-law mentioned to me on Easter that she loved the smell of the Yankee candles I had, so I thought about getting her some for Mother's Day, but them I'm afraid of the fire hazard if the clutter is that bad. We've also gotten them gift certificates for restaurants, because they do like to eat out.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I think it is a very nice gesture.

 

[CBRorBust]

I think that the OP could have avoided all the backlash on this thread if she would have thought it through and wrote: Thank You Gift for a Woman. THEN in her post simply say she did NOT want suggestions of Food/Flowers/Home Items.

It amazes me how some of the people on the DIS can get so offended at certain weight issue remarks people post, but when someone posts that they are looking for a gift for a "messy, overweight" woman *some* of you same people defend the OP for her plain out judgmental remarks.

I know the OP already knows that she should have worded her title differently. But it's just another one of those DIS quirks!

 

[TeresaNJ]

CBRorBust, I don't think the OP was being judgmental, she was just stating how it is, that her son's friend's mother is overweight and messy. She didn't give an opinion on what she thought of this person, just that she would like ideas on what would be an ideal gift for this person. She's already been told that she used a bad choice of wording, give her a break.

 

[CBRorBust]

She's already been told that she used a bad choice of wording, give her a break.

Just for the record. I wasn't commenting on her wording although I do not agree with it. And if you go back and read my post, you will see that I clearly stated that when I said, "I know the OP already knows that she should have worded her title differently."

My post was not geared towards the OP but instead all the posters on this thread in general I guess you could say. My comment was mean to be "isn't it ironic" how weight issue comments only offend people at certain times. I think that if you are going to be offended when someone makes a weight comment shouldn't you be offended every time?

I hope you do not feel as if I'm now picking on you. That is not how I meant my post to get across. I just think that if you (not you specifically) are going to have issues about insensitive weight remarks, then you should have been offended in this post. JMHO. Have a great day!

 

[TeresaNJ]

CBRorBust, I do see what you mean., and no, I don't think you are picking on me. I just didn't think the OP meant to be offensive, and I felt bad that some people, not you, were pretty nasty in their replies. We all open our mouths and stick our feet in at times. Weight issues are very sensitive, and we should all be more careful not to add to peoples' self esteem issues.

 

[CBRorBust]

CBRorBust, I do see what you mean., and no, I don't think you are picking on me. I just didn't think the OP meant to be offensive, and I felt bad that some people, not you, were pretty nasty in their replies. We all open our mouths and stick our feet in at times. Weight issues are very sensitive, and we should all be more careful not to add to peoples' self esteem issues.

I completely agree!