Thank you gift for very sweet but very messy, overweight woman?

[janette]

Originally posted by Mskanga
Here is my opinion based on my own life;
There's no excuse for someone to have a house trashed or full of clutter other than a personal choice. I work 30 hours a week, I volunteer in both of my kids schools , I take care of family issues and activities, I help the kids with homework , and I still clean my house daily. I am far from being organized but I sure try to make everyone help out.

I'm one who's house is a diaster most of the time and I certainly don't chose it to be that way. I do have too much stuff and kids to pick up after. I don't really blame them for the mess though, I've failed to instill the habits necessary to keep it clean.

I grew up in a messy house, although my mom isn't as bad as she used to be. She scolded me when she was here saying her house was never this bad but I think her memory has become a little rose colored. Now that it's just her and my Dad i'm sure it's not so bad.

If I know I'm having someone over I can make it reasonable but hate if someone drops by.

To keep a house clean you have to work at it constantly, most of you probably don't even realize you do it. My DH complains about the mess but he doesn't do anything to help with it. I've had housekeeping services before and that does help because if I have someone coming in once a week to clean I have to have the junk picked up for them to get to the floor etc. Right now the weekly fees don't fit into my budget.

My neice complains at me when she helps me out because I tend to lose track of what I'm doing. I'll pick up something go into another room and start doing something there. I forget that I've got clothes in the washer & have to wash them again. Rarely do clothes get washed, dried and put away regularly.

Once it gets bad it's just more overwhelming, when we moved I didn't try to sell my house until after we moved out. I got rid of lots of stuff but still need to get rid of more. Someday maybe I'll get there but I'm afraid that my house will never be considered spotless.

 

[Serena]

Misspie, I think it was very considerate for you to take into account her life when thinking about a gift. Yeah, it could have been worded differently, but who cares. We all say things that don't come out right sometimes.

But, I did want to say something about the people who really don't have much nice to say on any thread, let alone this one. The world is not as negative as you like to think, lighten up some, get off everyone's back, and you just might be a happier person.

 

[ScarlettO]

One of my SIL's is overweight...the other is overweight and messy. It never occured to me to take those facts into consideration when buying them gifts.I Buy them whatever most women like- candles, poupori,a cookbook,etc

 

[Serena]

When I buy a gift, I do take into account whatever I can think of, just so I get the right thing. People tend to love what I get them.

One of my sil's loves knicknacks. Her hubby hates them. She asked me not to get anything that would sit around her house. Is it messy, absolutely not, but she didn't want or need anything like that. She likes to receive temporary things, like food or flowers.
Another ex -sil, was heavy and messy, but any kind of treats would have been taken as an insult, instead of a gift. Also any attempts to give her books on organizing, Merry Maids, or anything like that would have upset her terribly. She wanted pretty things for her house. Yep, it added to the mess, but that's the kind of gift she enjoyed, so that's what I got her.

If I didn't know them well, I would try to find someone that did to find out what they like.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I haven't posted yet because I've been quite bothered by this thread. I know you didn't mean it, but it's like you don't see her as just a woman. Some of us are fat, some are thin, some are messy some are clean, some are tall some short, etc.. You really have to see past this. Other then thinking of space as a consideration, or if she is on a special diet these things don't matter. If she doesn't have much room then you think about that when shopping. Women are women. Busy women have alot in common. I don't fully appreciate flowers because I like something that lasts longer, but that's a personal preference. I could lose some weight. Sometimes I'm dieting and wouldn't want junk, sometimes I"m not and appreciate a luxury box of chocolate.
But, that said, you can never go wrong for anybody with gift certs, and bath and body works stuff. Most moms would like a night out with babysitting. There are times when selecting something, you need to consider figure type, for example swim suits or lingerie.
I wish you could see her as just a great lady who helped you and your son out.

 

[Mskanga]

MeanLaureen;
When health is an issue, that is another story, that's is not a personal choice for someone to have a house trashed.
My opinion on that was based on people who are perfectly healthy, it never crossed my mind anyone who could have health issues , maybe I should have clarified that.
I don't know, maybe I see things different because since I can remember my sister and I had to help out at home because my mom worked 10-12 hour days to support the family. My dad was sick and spent more time in hospitals than at home.
I make my children now help out , and if I wasn't on top of them my house would be a war zone, but I won't let them get that far. I see people who never ever make the kids pick up any messes they make.
My kids know that if they leave anything around the house out of their bedrooms, I will warn them twice, if they don't pick it up , it will go in the garbage. I have done it with brand new toys, it only took for one toy to be gone, now the first warning usually gets the stuff picked up.
They can make any mess they want in their room all day long since I don't have a playroom , but at night before going to bed, the room has to be picked up, they don't like it , but they do it.

 

[Robinrs]

Originally posted by Tiggeroo
I know you didn't mean it, but it's like you don't see her as just a woman. Some of us are fat, some are thin, some are messy some are clean, some are tall some short, etc.. You really have to see past this. .....I wish you could see her as just a great lady who helped you and your son out.

Can you IMAGINE what kind of world this would be if everyone was like that? Awesome statement!

 

[Lewski709]

Facts are facts.

It never ceases to amaze me the same people, over and over, are rude around here.

I think it's great you are considering giving her a gift and to me, it shows that you care about what you are going to give her by thinking of her "situation".

I don't think a maid service would be good, it implies she is messy and you don't really want to do that. I got a spa package last year for my birthday and still haven't used it and it includes a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure. That's just not me and I don't recommend a gift "like that" unless it is something you know the person does.

I agree with most others. Movies certificates, local store (not necessarily grocery), Bath and Body Works, Borders or how about a bottle of wine.

Good luck.........and you are doing something nice that you really don't have to.

 

[Barb D]

A couple of thoughts here...

First, it occurs to me that I was in a similar dilemma when trying to think of something for my sil (who, BTW, is very slender and who has an immaculate house) last Christmas. I wanted to get something for HER, that wouldn't be used for her kids. I ended up getting her things like a loofah, an herbal face mask thing, etc. from Linens 'n Things. If you do something like this, be sure to give her a gift receipt so she can take it back and get something else if she wants to.

And about the controversy.... Even as an overweight (recovering) messy, I didn't automatically take offense at the subject title. But the more I think about it, the more I realize why it could be bothersome. It does seem like a value judgment. You wouldn't have said, for instance, "She is sweet but she has asthma and is diabetic so I don't want to get her flowers or candy." You would have left off the "sweet" part because having asthma or diabetes is valueless and doesn't need qualifying. OP, I KNOW you didn't do this consciously; you sound like a thoughtful friend; but perhaps this thread will make all of us a little more, ummm, merciful to our friends with issues we don't personally deal with.

Edit: BTW, I previously posted to this thread under my 10yo DD's login, AmoDolphin. She's an awesome cleaner, BTW.

 

[airhead]

Wassup with everyone today????? Grouchy I'd say!!!!

 

[Doesney]

Originally posted by ScarlettO
Buy them whatever most women like- candles, poupori,a cookbook,etc

I think that this is a very sexist statement. I am a woman and I would NEVER want poupouri, cookbooks etc. That sentence just struck a nerve with me

To the OP why not get creative, maybe a coffee or tea basket that you make yourself. Offer to take her kid out to a movie and dinner with your child(ren). A GC to the Dry Cleaners, a nice summer hat (one size fits all) and a straw bag. There are so many things that overweight messy people can use ( you would be surprised)

 

[clh2]

Just my 2 cents:

I would not like to receive anything from a Bath/Body works type of store. I have hayfever, and find the smell of most of these products to be terribly offensive.

Same goes with flowers...unless the purchaser has gone out of their way to discuss this with the florist. There are some flowers that are not very fragrant.

And, while I can handle the scent of some candles...there are many I would never, never, never use.

It is really nice of the OP to consider giving this woman a small token of her appreciation for the favors she is doing for you and your son.

Many posters have suggested gift certificates. I would agree. Why not let her friend get exactly what she wants!

About 8 years ago, my DH and I hosted a get-together for his friends from the subdivision they grew up in. One of the guys that was there actually sent me a gift certificate for Land's End shortly after the party. While the gift certificate was not huge - I was able to get a beige colored short-sleeved drifter sweater. I needed to kick in a couple of bucks more than what the gift certificate covered. The sweater has long been worn out, and this friend actually passed away about 2 years ago. I will never ever forget how thrilled I was to get this gift.

 

[JerseyJanice]

My, so many things to ponder on this thread.

Let me start by saying I wouldn't find many gifts offensive except maybe a GC to Merry Maids or Weight Watchers. Sorry, neither is appropriate in this case.

As a woman who is often overweight and messy, let me tell you about a couple of gifts I've gotten recently and just love.

Last Christmas, I got a Calphalon grill pan. How I love that thing! A piece of good cookware is a wonderful gift to receive.

On Easter Sunday, someone gave us a set of solar powered garden lights. I put them in this morning, and they're just awesome! I love them! And they're especially nice because someone gave them as a gift--I'll think of that person whenever I see them lit.

 

[pw2pp]

She volunteers a lot, has helped her husband in his office, and is always there for the kids. She and her sons are always well groomed and her kids do very well in school.

Plus she has done favors for you.... Sounds like a lady who's got her priorities in order. She sounds like my kind of person. Take her out to lunch and be her friend.

 

[missypie]

I'm the OP and I bought her a Barnes & Noble gift card, and since there is a Starbucks in the B&N, I included a small Starbucks gift card as well. I found a cute/funny card, added a nice note and mailed it off.

As for other comments, the things that would thrill me would be fresh flowers or a box of great chocolates like Godiva. It didn't seem like either would have been the best choice for her, which is why I asked for ideas. Thank you everyone.

I liked the Blockbuster gift card/movie basket idea, but thought that it would be too easy for her sons to make off with that (one is in college, one is in HS [and drives] and the other is in middle school). Her youngest is 13, so she doesn't need a night of babysitting. (Lucky her, they get a lot more of the sleepovers at their house because they have PS2 AND X Box AND Nintendo.) My son thinks nothing about the condition of the house and I think he secretly admires his friend for being able to have such a fabulously messy room (which, according to DS, is much messier than the part of the house I've seen).

As far as bringing candy or other edible treats to an overweight person, I figure she would think one of the following:
A. Terrific - I LOVE Godiva!
OR
B. Rats...I finally lose 5 pounds and now she shows up with these!
OR
C. Great...this lady must think I just eat candy all the time.
Since 2 of the 3 scenarios were negative, I thought better to avoid the subject. (I feel so much for people who struggle with their weight. My college roommate was a size 20 [to my size 2 at the time]; we lived together for a couple of years and ate virtually all of our meals together and I don't think she ate any differently or more than I did.)

As for her house, it was wrong of me to refer to her as messy. It is her house that is messy. When I come home from work, my house can be a pig sty and not a bit of the mess is mine. Maybe years ago she told her husband and 3 sons "I'm never going to pick up another [toy/pair of socks/candy wrapper] of yours again" and she stuck to it!

 

[battricia]

Not trying to cause anymore controvercy here or anything, but I honestly don't understand why an overweight person wouldn't enjoy a box of chocolates, or a person with a messy house wouldn't enjoy a nice flower arrangement, unless of course you don't want to contribute to the messy house, or the weight issues.

tricia.

 

[Pooh93]

I think it's nice of you to do something nice for her. My only other suggestion would have been.... a nice Yankee Candle ensemble or a gift certificates to YC (if you thought she liked candles) or any other fun store in your area. Sounds like you took care of it and I'm sure she will be pleased.

 

[stemikger]

A gift certificate to McDonalds and a vacume.

LOL.

RELAX JUST JOKING

 

[Dan Murphy]

Upon seeing this question/thread almost a week ago, and not having any ideas at all, it was one of the rare threads I did not even look at. But after seeing a seemingly simple thread have such a long life on page one here, curiosity got to me and I thought I would take a quick look.

First, missypie, I wanted to say you chose some nice gifts, IMO. Good choices. Second, just wanted to say how nice it was for you to not only want to do something for this lady, but also consider the whole person, including life styles and habits, good or bad, in your gift selection, plus take a moment and the time to ask others, here on the DIS, for advise. And lastly, commend you for staying the course and not getting into the 'all-to-often' back and forth debate we see here when OP's get pounced on, but rather took the various advices given, sans any meanness, and utilized them in helping you narrow down your gift choosing.

You did well, missypie, IMO. I hope your son's best friend's mother indeed enjoys her Barnes & Noble gift card, Starbucks gift card along with the cute/funny card and nice note. Enjoy your day.

Dan

 

[Laurajean1014]

Can you tell me the relevance that "overweight" has to do with buying someone a thank you gift?