Teens and Vaping.....what to do?

[Lilacs4Me]

See here's the thing...that doesn't necessarily mean he'll stop, and it very may encourage him to rebel.

I was a very bad teenager, I'll just leave it at that. The more my parents tried to "punish" me with stuff like that, the more I either rebelled or completely ignored them. Grounding didn't work, I didn't listen to it. At the end of the day, I had to make my own decisions and come to my own realizations that what I was doing was wrong and had to change my ways.

I am not in any way, shape or form suggesting that OP do nothing at all, or encourage DS to smoke. However, the "iron fist" thing may or may not work....

...At the end of the day, the reality is that if he wants to do it, he's going to...no matter what you say or do. I know that's hard to hear, but it's a fact. Again, I'm not saying tolerate it. Not in the least. Be firm with him, explain it's not only unhealthy but at his age, it's illegal. I'd even be fine with doing some punishments, such as Xbox. At the same time, I'd remember that at the end of the day, only he can choose to make the right decision or not. I'd even explain that to him...tell him you realize he makes his own choices when you're not around. Encourage him to make the right ones and by crystal clear what life/health ramifications there can be for making the wrong ones. We can't be there with our kids 24/7, and nor should we be. They have to learn to make their own decisions, and learn what can happen with those decisions.

I agree with this^

I think that parents need to stick with the route of reasonable discipline that the child is used to, (barring little or no discipline of course), because that is what the child will respond to. I am not suggesting NEVER trying something new, I'm just saying that I think it works best when you up the stakes in a way that corresponds to what you are already doing. For example, if you have always used "time outs" or groundings, and it works, up the ante on the grounding. Make it hurt more. But I wouldn't do a 360 at this point and start using crazy punishments that don't make sense. JMO

Two concepts I thought I would NEVER say about disciplining children before I knew better, not in response to Klayfish's post, just in general:

First, I have a nearly-18 year old that was the type where the more we punished, the more he dug in. When I stopped the "punishment" and calmly talked to him and got to the point of reason, he would concede. Sometimes it seemed like it would take FOREVER for that happen, and often I said that I don't care and tried the punishment route...he will do what I say when I say it! But alas, it never was to be. Punishment just didn't mean anything to him. Reasoning and logic worked. Punishment works wonders with DD14, though....I take her phone away, she pouts for an hour, and she is sweet as pie (and conciliatory, and willing to do ANYTHING I ask of her!) in order to get it back.

2nd, the ADHD plays a part in how the child will respond to discipline. I am only in year one dealing with a child with ADHD now that we have custody of our great-nephew, but it is NOT like what I thought it would be! I can explain things, and lay out my expectations, and warn about punishments all day long, and a few hours later, he will have zero recollection of even having the conversation, much less what I said. He is only just turning 12 this month, (maturity level of an 8-ish year old), so we aren't in the drug/alcohol stage yet, but I do fear for that because he is extremely impulsive and very easily coerced into doing what someone wants him to do. I think the best thing for a kid like this would to take away as much of the temptation and access to this stuff as possible and monitor closely, which seems to work well so far with my nephew in other areas. He just doesn't have the ability to reason things through, and I don't see him developing this skill by the time he is 15. And he has a serious drive to make people want to like him, so he will do anything anyone suggests. Peer pressure will be non-existent with this child because he will put up zero fight and instead become a willing participant in whatever the kids tell him to do. Since punishment, logic, and reasoning don't seem to work, taking away as much as you can from the source, and monitoring all the time, will probably be the best route. A regular kid without ADHD might put up a fight or think they are being treated like a baby, but with at least MY ADHD kid, that is the only thing that has worked so far.

 

[Klayfish]

It is also illegal here too. He has already been caught with a juice pod and was suspended....apparently he doesn't care. That is how I originally found out. That was 6 months ago.

If it's been 6 months and he's still doing it, your methods aren't working and/or they never will. Again, not saying give up. Far from it. Just like any parent, you never, ever give up on your children. However, this is clearly something he seems to want to do, regardless of what you say or do. I'd be willing to bet you that in his mind writing what his punishment will be down for a "positive test" is a bit of a joke to him. As much as I'd like to say it'll make a difference, I'm guessing it won't. If his mind is set on doing this, he's gonna do it. Unless you literally lock him in a room 24/7, he's going to find a way. I agree with no phone, Xbox, etc...I'd do that too. But instead of approaching it as a "punishment", my approach would be "OK, if those are the choices you're going to make, here are the choices I'm going to make". I know it sounds like semantics, but I think there's a difference. I'll routinely explain to my kids that I fully realize I can't fully control decisions they make. I can guide them, counsel them, encourage them, teach them. But at the end of the day, when they're at school, with friends, etc...they have to make choices. I understand that and respect that. But choices have consequences...good and bad. It's up to them which path they choose. I'd continue to educate him on the choices he's making...health wise, appearance wise, risking trouble, etc...

I agree with this^



First, I have a nearly-18 year old that was the type where the more we punished, the more he dug in. When I stopped the "punishment" and calmly talked to him and got to the point of reason, he would concede. Sometimes it seemed like it would take FOREVER for that happen, and often I said that I don't care and tried the punishment route...he will do what I say when I say it! But alas, it never was to be. Punishment just didn't mean anything to him. Reasoning and logic worked. Punishment works wonders with DD14, though....I take her phone away, she pouts for an hour, and she is sweet as pie (and conciliatory, and willing to do ANYTHING I ask of her!) in order to get it back.

Yes. My kids all respond very differently to punishment. We treat all of our kids equally as far as what we teach them, tolerate, etc...but how we approach it is somewhat different (not completely different, but details are different).

 

[HannaBelle]

OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I have no good advice for you. I am impressed with the responses so far!

My son hated physical labor, that was my go to punishment. Weeding the flower beds, shoveling, digging, scrubbing, whatever was on my honey do list...

 

[marcyleecorgan]

100000% this level of rebellion is due to OP's zero tolerance attitude towards drugs.

Teens experiment, this is normal. Totally normal. They want to prove themselves. They drive fast, they jump off things, they smoke plants, they use foul language in public places... totally normal.

If it's a regular line of dialogue in your household to basically end sentences with, ".... and look how my sister would up. Dead. From drugs," I am completely non-fazed to hear that the Normal Teenager going through Normal Rebellion has chosen to experiment with cigarettes to, well, basically SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE that 1 cig, 2 cigs, 3 cigs, 4, 5, look a vaporizer! The number of cigarettes smoked won't actually Kill You ; Bad Choices Do!" Not that the teenager brain has equated Bad Choice = Purposeful Organ Damage, but hey! They are learning boundaries!

right now I would sit him down AGAIN and go over the basics of lung health. does he pay for his own asthma medication? have him use his budgeted money to buy his own $20 puffer and see if that's an expense he wants to maintain along with the vaping habit. obviously make sure he doesn't go without rescue inhaler if he doesn't have an allowance but make it clear, no iTunes/game subscriptions/Starbucks/whatever you're paying for this week because you're using the money to buy an inhaler. SHOW him what this lifestyle will do to him budget-wise.

just please make sure he has a safe place to learn to drink alcohol... unsupervised teens bouncing from house to car to parks to wherever is not a safe way to learn about one's tolerances...

addictions never go away, you have to replace them with other rituals, so help him find more hobbies that will take away his free time to partake. what about martial arts? team sports, swimming, becoming a lifeguard, dance classes, trampoline parks, climbing walls, bike tours, all these kinds of activities give you less time to stand around with a vape in your hand. got any local board game/role-playing cafes that have NO indoor smoking? find him a RPG group! LOL

I hope this advice made some kind of sense!

 

[lukenick1]

100000% this level of rebellion is due to OP's zero tolerance attitude towards drugs.

Teens experiment, this is normal. Totally normal. They want to prove themselves. They drive fast, they jump off things, they smoke plants, they use foul language in public places... totally normal.

If it's a regular line of dialogue in your household to basically end sentences with, ".... and look how my sister would up. Dead. From drugs," I am completely non-fazed to hear that the Normal Teenager going through Normal Rebellion has chosen to experiment with cigarettes to, well, basically SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE that 1 cig, 2 cigs, 3 cigs, 4, 5, look a vaporizer! The number of cigarettes smoked won't actually Kill You ; Bad Choices Do!" Not that the teenager brain has equated Bad Choice = Purposeful Organ Damage, but hey! They are learning boundaries!

right now I would sit him down AGAIN and go over the basics of lung health. does he pay for his own asthma medication? have him use his budgeted money to buy his own $20 puffer and see if that's an expense he wants to maintain along with the vaping habit. obviously make sure he doesn't go without rescue inhaler if he doesn't have an allowance but make it clear, no iTunes/game subscriptions/Starbucks/whatever you're paying for this week because you're using the money to buy an inhaler. SHOW him what this lifestyle will do to him budget-wise.

just please make sure he has a safe place to learn to drink alcohol... unsupervised teens bouncing from house to car to parks to wherever is not a safe way to learn about one's tolerances...

addictions never go away, you have to replace them with other rituals, so help him find more hobbies that will take away his free time to partake. what about martial arts? team sports, swimming, becoming a lifeguard, dance classes, trampoline parks, climbing walls, bike tours, all these kinds of activities give you less time to stand around with a vape in your hand. got any local board game/role-playing cafes that have NO indoor smoking? find him a RPG group! LOL

I hope this advice made some kind of sense!

I complete agree that it may be due to my fear of drugs. This is why I ask for advice......do I do nothing and hope for the best or do I go full throttle and try to stop him. I don't have the answers and I do NOT want to make the same mistakes my parents made with my sister. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Like other posters mention.....not the same with an ADHD kid. I know what I did as a teenager and try to remind myself that I tried stuff and turned out ok. It's just the ADHD part that worries me the most because they are more prone to self medicate. I have another child who is older and tried chewing tobacco....it made him so ill he will never do it again. He is also of rational mind so easy decision for him. Not the case with my ADHD child.

 

[Klayfish]

I complete agree that it may be due to my fear of drugs. This is why I ask for advice......do I do nothing and hope for the best or do I go full throttle and try to stop him. I don't have the answers and I do NOT want to make the same mistakes my parents made with my sister. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Like other posters mention.....not the same with an ADHD kid. I know what I did as a teenager and try to remind myself that I tried stuff and turned out ok. It's just the ADHD part that worries me the most because they are more prone to self medicate. I have another child who is older and tried chewing tobacco....it made him so ill he will never do it again. He is also of rational mind so easy decision for him. Not the case with my ADHD child.

Why do you need to either do nothing at all or go "full throttle"? There are lots of shades of grey in between. You're not going to stop him if it's what he wants to do, so "full throttle" could seriously backfire. Nor do you need to do nothing. You can support him, encourage him, even discipline him without either extreme.

Obviously, none of us know the dealings between your sister and your parents, but just as a question...are you making some assumptions as to what happened there? You may or may not know all of the details. The "mistakes" may or may not have lead to the issues with your sister. Even if so, you can't apply that to your situation. Every human is different, relationships are different, etc... I have no clue if my parents feel like they made mistakes with how they tried to raise me, but honestly it wouldn't have made a difference. I was going to do it my way no matter what they did or said.

I very much understand your concern, but I'd strongly encourage you to take a deep breath. From what you're describing, at least IMO, it's not all that big of a deal. As said above, kids will do things, including experiment with stupid stuff. How many kids were smoking just 20 years ago? They had a smoking dock in my high school....and I started smoking in 9th grade (stopped decades ago). Vaping is the new "smoking" we did in the 80s.

 

[mjkacmom]

I complete agree that it may be due to my fear of drugs. This is why I ask for advice......do I do nothing and hope for the best or do I go full throttle and try to stop him. I don't have the answers and I do NOT want to make the same mistakes my parents made with my sister. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Like other posters mention.....not the same with an ADHD kid. I know what I did as a teenager and try to remind myself that I tried stuff and turned out ok. It's just the ADHD part that worries me the most because they are more prone to self medicate. I have another child who is older and tried chewing tobacco....it made him so ill he will never do it again. He is also of rational mind so easy decision for him. Not the case with my ADHD child.

I totally get where you are coming from. I really don’t worry much about addiction with my other 4 kids, and my ADHD 19 year old kid is so not rebellious. He gets good grades, works hard, is so polite, has never even once talked back to us, if I tell him to do something he does it. However, he’s also my very social party kid. Next year he is living in his frat house!

 

[Domo]

My brother used to smoke, but has weaned himself off it by vaping. That and the new vaping scents are varied and actually quite pleasing. Oh, and his vape is in fact nicotine free. Under the right set of circumstances, I support it. Better than weed or tobacco at the very least.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I agree with Nancyg56, it's the lying that is the problem more than the juul. By the way, I also have a 15 year old son and we have had our own issues with this type of thing. My son has Aspergers, his brain also doesn't work like a NT teen so I sympathize with what you are going through. Katie01 made a good point, you should talk to his therapist about all of this, I have found my son's therapists to be an invaluable tool in similar situations--they have seen it all and they always seem to know what to do!

Teenagers do need to be watched but you need to find a balance because really, you are at the point in his life where you are going to be gradually switching from parenting to the more passive, guiding role that you will inevitably take in your adult child's life. I'm not telling you to give up and just allow him to do whatever he wants, but choose your battles wisely--is this juuling issue a hill you are willing to die on? If it is only happening at school he is probably doing it for the social aspect, not because of an addiction. And being so overbearing and in his face about this is only going to alienate him from you; he will shut down all communication with you due to fear of reprisal. Keeping those lines of communication open is more important now that he is a teenager, you need to be a person he feels that he can trust. One of the most important reasons that my son still sees his behavioral therapist now that he is a teenager is that they have a good relationship, he has been seeing her for years and I know that if something big comes up and he needs a trusted adult to talk to, he can talk to her. Is there anyone in your son's life like that? A therapist, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc.?

So, what I have done with my son as he gets older is tried to emphasize to him that he can trust me, but that trust goes both ways. Lying is a big problem for me. If he comes clean about things, even if I don't like what he is telling me, he gets the benefit of the doubt. We will talk about it like rational adults and come to a solution that works for us both. And believe me, there have been some uncomfortable talks happening over this past school year (my son's first year in high school). He may get an immediate, short-term consequence but then we wipe the slate clean and he gets a second chance. I firmly believe in showing trust and allowing for second and even third chances. In my opinion, your son's actions don't warrant your reaction. As one of my son's therapists told me years ago, it's important to scale your punishment and consequences to fit the crime. If you always react by taking everything he likes away from him (including your trust and confidence in him) then what more does he stand to lose if he continues to act out? Your reaction (drug testing) shows him that you don't trust him at all. Think about this from his perspective: If you don't trust him why would he want to trust you?

Are his actions stupid and shortsighted? Yes. You have also pointed out the health danger. But when you punish, make it clear that you are punishing him for the lying, not for the juuling, or I think you will very likely see more and more rebellious behavior from him.

 

[verleniahall]

Vapingis worse than actually smoking!

The military is cracking down on its usage becuase of it - (DH is the druge prevention NCO for his unit)

Ground Ground Ground - have him watch videos of those who have smoked and what its done to hem - take him to a cancer treatment center for someone with throat and lung cancer due to smoking

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have also been testing him for marijuana and that has been negative thank God. He is only vaping at school in the bathrooms it is a huge issue here. My sister the one who died from drugs started with smoking cigarettes, then marijuana, then other drugs/alcohol/ etc. My biggest problem here is that he has asthma......

Just something to think about:

In my experiences working with youth, often the parents who overreact about the less dangerous/important things end up with kids who do the worst. If EVERYthing is a big deal to you, then your kid isn't able to as easily distinguish between what is a minor risk versus a truly major one and learns to discount all of your warnings (ie, that vaping, while not good is not nearly as bad as meth, for example--if you freak out equally over both, and your child sees that smoking and vaping are relatively low short term risk and relatively acceptable behaviours in society, then they might think you just overreact in general and not realize that the dangers of meth are SO MUCH worse---given that you treat them similarly).

With the above in mind, I, personally, would work to remain calm and realistic about the dangers of vaping when speaking to my son (ie, actual dangers of vaping, not your fears that it will lead to other things). Not knowing your son, or your relationship, it's hard to know if punishments or just open talking makes more sense. I do think perhaps asking his doctor and his therapist to speak with him about the true health consequences (without you in the room) and possible help in quitting might be wise.

 

[Southernmiss]

I find the urine tests to be extreme. What happened with the suspension? Did missed assignments affect his grades? Natural consequences can be a motivator to change behavior.

We can not let our personal anxieties dictate our parenting decisions.

I think the advice of talking to his counselor and the advice of MrsCoraBubbles is good.

Summer break is coming or is here. I would find activities away from the school 'friends' to keep him occupied, busy and too tired to get in trouble. Mowing yards, supervised volunteering, lifeguarding, helping grandparents with projects, learning a new skill-martial arts, etc. Give him another way to feel good about himself and his choices.

 

[luvsJack]

I have a now adult son that was diagnosed ADHD. And impulsive was putting it mildly. I know, I understand. I look back now and wonder how we all made it through the teen years. With him it was smoking pot. I did the whole drug testing, tested him once, came back positive. Told him I would test him again. He didn't quit, he found ways to "pass the test". So did things like drinking a bunch of vinegar and such. I learned that it wasn't going to work and it may not with your son either. I mean, ok, he comes back negative next time--are you going to quit testing? Or are you going to just keep testing every week either way? You may be putting yourself in a no win situation.

What we did was focus on the lying or the getting in trouble with school or the law, not so much his idiotic choices. He was punished for lying or breaking curfew or whatever. If he got in trouble at school, he was punished. He didn't get in trouble with the law but he knew if he did, he was pretty much on his own.

Once we focused on that stuff and smoking pot lost its "shock value" or "rebellion value", he stopped.

You cannot make your child pay for the sins of your sister. I am sorry for your loss. And I understand it. Having lost a nephew in a drunk driving accident, it made us all want to not let our teens out of our sight. But the first weekend dd wanted to go out after his death, I had to tell dh the same thing.

The other thing, is talk to him. Find out WHY he is doing this. And keep talking to him but do not preach to him or lecture him. He will just tune you out.

Lastly, he has asthma, go see his doctor. Tell your son that if he wants to make adult choices, he needs to be an adult about it and part of that is telling his doctor about the vaping. The doctor can tell him medically what vaping will do to him and maybe some of it will sink in.

 

[aprilgail]

Found out my 15 yr old son is vaping. At first I was told by him it was just the sugar juice without nicotine and he did it because he can do cool tricks with the smoke. Now I find out it is nicotine and he is doing it at school daily. He does not have his own jule but is using other kids jules in the bathroom at school. ( That alone freaks me out he has nut allergies and putting his mouth on something someone else used yuck) I bought urine tests and he tested positive for nicotine even after he told me he stopped. I don't know what to do? My husband says we can't be too harsh because he will lash out more but I am very very against any type of drug/alcohol/ pills etc. My sister died from drugs when I was 21 and my kids both know that as I remind them almost daily because of all the things they are coming into contact with at school. I don't know how to handle this other than continue test him and punish him. He tells me I should just accept it and at least it's not something worse. That is exactly what I am afraid of.....what will he try next? He is also on Adderall for ADHD too. I just am curious how everyone else handles this with their teens because I know I am not alone. Oh I also like to add he has asthma!!!!! Ugh!

Thanks for any advice.

I think you are way overboard with your reactions to this- I recall being 15 and if my parents urine tested me, punished, grounded it would have just made me rebel even more. I was a crappy kid-I'm the first to admit that but eventually I became a productive member of society LOL. I think you are over reacting based on your sister and you can't be putting all that on your kids.

 

[Anne MN]

I have also been testing him for marijuana and that has been negative thank God. He is only vaping at school in the bathrooms it is a huge issue here. My sister the one who died from drugs started with smoking cigarettes, then marijuana, then other drugs/alcohol/ etc. My biggest problem here is that he has asthma......

Don't know if it has been said yet- the e-cigarettes have a link (the juice) to popcorn lung.

 

[quandrea]

I find the urine tests to be extreme. What happened with the suspension? Did missed assignments affect his grades? Natural consequences can be a motivator to change behavior.

We can not let our personal anxieties dictate our parenting decisions.

I think the advice of talking to his counselor and the advice of MrsCoraBubbles is good.

Summer break is coming or is here. I would find activities away from the school 'friends' to keep him occupied, busy and too tired to get in trouble. Mowing yards, supervised volunteering, lifeguarding, helping grandparents with projects, learning a new skill-martial arts, etc. Give him another way to feel good about himself and his choices.

This is good advice. Keep him busy. Work is so positive in so many ways. I’d require lots of it.

As for the vaping...you can’t control it, but you don’t need to endorse it. He would not be getting a penny from me unless I was confident he was not vaping. I’d buy whatever he needed—clothes, food, even coffee cards, movie cards to go out, but zero cash or access to credit or his bank account.

School consequences are good. However, he may not care at this point. Hopefully he wakes up, but you can’t control that either.

I’d be very upfront about my displeasure about it all...the rule breaking, the illegal aspect of it, the blatant disregard for health, his asthma, Etc.

In the end though, I’d understand that nothing specific I do will stop him. It’s in his hands.

Try to have faith he’ll figure it out. Be a place he can speak honestly and speak frankly and calmly with him.

 

[missbrooke06]

He may not be able to stop easily. Nicotine is highly addictive. Even with major health episodes, my FIL has had several stops only to restart again.

I agree that if he is counseled for his ADHD, this is important to bring up with them. He needs support and toolbox to stop. Addiction couple with the fact that vaping is trendy at his school will make it hard for him. I never smoked but always wished I didn't care about all the health problems in high school because my smoker friends had such an easier time in social situations because they'd easily bond with other smokers.

Don't treat it as just something he needs to be done with - help him.

 

[Deb & Bill]

Show him photos of people who had their device blow up in their face or catch on fire in their pocket. Those devices are very dangerous.

 

[SteveH]

My two cents worth...
We set down clear expectations while our kids were young about not smoking or drugs. I had the ability to remind both of them that their lack of a grandmother in their lives were 100% related to my mother being a smoker. I painted a very clear picture of the cancer that eventually killed her, but they both knew the cancer wasn't the cause of her death it was smoking. We also laid our our line on tattoos and piercings.

As somebody pointed out, the biggest issue (at least to me) is he is lying. As for drug testing, good for you, while it's overkill to some YOU are the parent, nobody else. Do what you think is right to reestablish control and set boundaries. For me had my kids lied like that and smoked, they would be grounded for more then a week; loss of any rights to their phone and internet access beyond direct school work, and there would be expected chores and reading. My youngest mouthed off to my wife and I, and lost most everything out of his room and had to earn it all back - he kept his mattress and clothes. Never mouthed off again, he learned his lesson.

I would also demand to know who he's getting the puffs off of and let their parents know. Might make him unpopular and some parents may not care, but none the less I'd do it. I am the belief that you need to be firm and follow the rules of your home. The love never stops, but that doesn't mean you go soft on discipline.

 

[mjkacmom]

I want to add that when my niece got caught with a juul, she said it was her friend’s, who was over. It wasn’t. Kids don’t have a lot of money, willing to let others mooch off of them for long. If this is a regular thing, he’s buying it himself.