Teen Help Needed!!! (Long)

[cfriend416]

This thread really struck home with me. I was in a very similar situation as your daughter with my best friend a few years ago. The only difference was we were 21 so my friend did not have the excuse of being a teenager. It's hard to break ties with a close fried but just keep reminding your DD she'll be better off for it. I hope you and your family have a magical time!

 

[GotLabradors]

Let me start by saying that DD to took a little time to let things settle. Then, she tried again this morning by telling her friend that she thinks they should talk this out, in person, not texting, on a day and time good for both of them. Well, her BFF wanted no part of it and that was that. At first my daughter was hurt, but I started to tell her some of the good points in all of this. She soon realized that she was more relieved about breaking ties. She had been unhappy for months with how her BFF was treating her but tried being tolerant and understanding about the boyfriend entering her girlfriend's life. She tried being "available" for whenever it was convenient for her BFF and forgot about taking care of herself. She suddenly feels free to branch out and reconnect with some of the things she gave up doing.

As for the money I laid out for tickets and a few incidentals, the mom did call me today and owned up to paying me for those things. We had a good talk and hung up on good terms.

The good news: One of my daughter's favorite cousin's will now be joining us! He can't stay the whole time because school starts for him on Aug 25th but we will be able to enjoy the first part of our vacation together. He will depart on Aug 24th. We head over to Universal on 26th and then home on the 29th. While at Universal, we will be meeting up with some long term friends!

Overall, a good ending to a very sad situation.

I want to thank you all for guiding me with your experience and advise. You guys ROCK!

Glad y'all got it all worked out. It would stink to be miserable on what should be a great trip. Not to mention, your daughter learned a valuable life lesson about relationships/friendships. I hope y'all have a fantastic trip.

 

[Jenn55]

Remember this is your invitation. If your daughter's friend is being hurtful, whether it be intentional or not, you have the right to change your mind and un-invite. It's not attacking to expect a firm commitment from the friend, especially with such a big trip. On the contrary, it is rude on their part. You do what's best for your DD.

I have to agree with you. If your spending all the money (minus park tickets) on this trip, you have a lot to loose money wise and it's rude of them not to make a final set in stone decision and make us keep waiting. The friend needs to decide if she's going, and if she isn't she needs to say so and not change her mind when she realizes her mistake.

 

[Jenn55]

I would very much like to have a planning party. I've actually tried. Each time I try to initiate a gathering, there is a reason they don't. But, maybe I should try one more time. Maybe I need to be firm about the importance of talking about the parameters with the girls (especially with a boyfriend in the background). Funny you should mention this, but my daughter actually shared with me that she feels that if her BFF still comes, that she will constantly be on the phone and/or texting her boyfriend. I will keep this in mind!

The fact that you tried to get a planning party done more then once and they have bailed on it each time, has me worried, it's like their trying to evade you and the situation. Now for me, I be traveling from canada so we did a letter from the parent saying we have permission to take their kid over the boarder. I would use that as. Too, to get together, say I need this info, I need these contact numbers and health insurance if they have it and all that jazz and if they still won't get together then I say move in, ask someone else and tell them they can't be invited any longer

Ps I haven't read pas this post yet so if things have worked out just ignore it!

 

[Jenn55]

I'm sorry to be so opinionated, but based on your responses and what you think is going on, you need to ditch this flake...at least for the trip. She has the power to ruin the trip for your whole family and especially your daughter. My advice is put a stop to it. I have a teen daughter of my own and understand the situation all too well. Give it a couple of days to work itself out, and if it doesn't, cut her out!

If there was a like button.. I would ssooo like this post!! Well said

 

[Aliceacc]

Jenn, the friend has been ditched

 

[Jenn55]

Jenn, the friend has been ditched

I made it through all the messages.. So yay!! Lol, guess it's not something to be too happy about but IMO, the friend was rude and hurtful

 

[Aliceacc]

It's pretty normal teenage behavior. Not acceptable, but not unheard of.

But one thing I'm learning as I parent: there are some times when my husband and I are the only advocates my kids have. So sometimes I've got to be the one who puts my kids' interests first, because I can't count on anyone else to do it.

If this were a "no big deal" type of trip, perhaps my advice would have been to let it go. But it's her Sweet 16 at Disney World; she doesn't deserve to be ignored.

 

[3happydancers]

I made it through all the messages.. So yay!! Lol, guess it's not something to be too happy about but IMO, the friend was rude and hurtful

Like you said, it didn't work out, so she got CUT out! And DD is feeling much better knowing she does not have to worry about BFF ruining her vacation.

I know there will come a time when the BFF will regret what she did but not until the boyfriend is out of the picture. That's when BFF will need a shoulder to lean on except it won't be there.

 

[Jenn55]

Like you said, it didn't work out, so she got CUT out! And DD is feeling much better knowing she does not have to worry about BFF ruining her vacation. I know there will come a time when the BFF will regret what she did but not until the boyfriend is out of the picture. That's when BFF will need a shoulder to lean on except it won't be there.

One upside to this is it will help when ur DD starts to date, and finds her first boyfriend and first love. Hopefully she'll look back on this situation and handle her friends and her new BFF differently, knowing how she was treated so she won't want someone else to go through the pain and hurt she went through

 

[3happydancers]

It's pretty normal teenage behavior. Not acceptable, but not unheard of.

But one thing I'm learning as I parent: there are some times when my husband and I are the only advocates my kids have. So sometimes I've got to be the one who puts my kids' interests first, because I can't count on anyone else to do it.

If this were a "no big deal" type of trip, perhaps my advice would have been to let it go. But it's her Sweet 16 at Disney World; she doesn't deserve to be ignored.

Aliceacc, this was exactly why I had to step up. Normally, I would quietly watch in the background. As long as what is going on in her life is not major, I leave things be but I am always watching. But there are times when a parent must still be available to give our kids guidance even at the age of 16. They are old enough to do many things, make many decisions, make mistakes, and that is how they learn. But they are still at an age where they can get themselves into a situation and they just don't know how to handle it or that the choice they know they need to make is very difficult. Knowing you are there for them gives them strength and power. I commended my daughter for the way she handled the problem even though the outcome was sad. She can now see clearly that she deserves a friend who will treat her with the same kindness she gives.

 

[3happydancers]

One upside to this is it will help when ur DD starts to date, and finds her first boyfriend and first love. Hopefully she'll look back on this situation and handle her friends and her new BFF differently, knowing how she was treated so she won't want someone else to go through the pain and hurt she went through

Funny you should say this. Yesterday my DD told me when she has a boyfriend that there is no way she would treat her friends this way. Nor will she spend every waking moment with him. She knows now how important it is to continue to do the things that interest you. For a long while, she gave up loads of stuff because her BFF didn't like: bowling, swimming, bike riding, hiking, just to name a few. She said never again!

 

[Aliceacc]

Just a cautionary word: I would be very hesitant to put BFF down in front of my daughter.

It may very well turn out that their friendship does survive-- that she'll dump the boyfriend, or get dumped, and that your daughter will welcome her back to the friendship they used to share... relationships have survived a lot more than that. So think what you want, and vent to your husband. But be careful in how you describe it to your daughter. Explain that BFF never intended to hurt her or harm their friendship; she's in the stage of learning how to balance a boy friend and a best friend, and simply got it wrong. Let it be a cautionary tale for your daughter.

But you know teenagers, girls in particular: they NEVER forget. So don't put down that BFF, unless you're prepared to hear "It's because you never liked her anyway" this time next year when they want to backpack through Europe and you're objecting.

 

[robinb]

Just a cautionary word: I would be very hesitant to put BFF down in front of my daughter.

It may very well turn out that their friendship does survive-- that she'll dump the boyfriend, or get dumped, and that your daughter will welcome her back to the friendship they used to share... relationships have survived a lot more than that. So think what you want, and vent to your husband. But be careful in how you describe it to your daughter. Explain that BFF never intended to hurt her or harm their friendship; she's in the stage of learning how to balance a boy friend and a best friend, and simply got it wrong. Let it be a cautionary tale for your daughter.

But you know teenagers, girls in particular: they NEVER forget. So don't put down that BFF, unless you're prepared to hear "It's because you never liked her anyway" this time next year when they want to backpack through Europe and you're objecting.

This is excellent advise!

I guess I'm the only one feeling for the BFF. She went from going on a trip to WDW with her BFF to being cut out of the friendship and the vacation in 2 short days. Yes, I know she was being self-centered but that's how teen girls act . I think it was all a teen girl tempest in a teakettle and the BFF's mom was right about staying out of it. OP, I know that you were so worried about the BFF bailing at the last minute or missing her BF but I think your anxiety may have rubbed off your DD . We (the DIS) really don't kow what the girls talked about but it could be that the BFF felt attacked and made to decide between her BFF and her BF. So, I'm sorry that I'm not celebrating ... I'm actually sad for both girls.

 

[jtowntoflorida]

I guess I'm the only one feeling for the BFF. She went from going on a trip to WDW with her BFF to being cut out of the friendship and the vacation in 2 short days. Yes, I know she was being self-centered but that's how teen girls act . I think it was all a teen girl tempest in a teakettle and the BFF's mom was right about staying out of it. OP, I know that you were so worried about the BFF bailing at the last minute or missing her BF but I think your anxiety may have rubbed off your DD . We (the DIS) really don't kow what the girls talked about but it could be that the BFF felt attacked and made to decide between her BFF and her BF. So, I'm sorry that I'm not celebrating ... I'm actually sad for both girls.

In the OP, it was mentioned that the BFF has been acting like this toward OP's daughter for months, since the start of this relationship with the boy. I also can't imagine staying out of a dispute that could cost another family thousands of dollars. The OP's profile says she's from New York and she mentioned flights. They were going to bring their daughter's friend on a very special, very expensive, once in a lifetime trip. If there's any time for the parents to intervene, it's then. If it was some day trip to a local amusement park...sure, let the kids hammer it out. But with all the time, planning, and expense that goes into a cross-country vacation that another family is paying for...yeah, the parents should get involved if a dispute arises.

I do feel bad for the BFF. I knew girls like her in high school, whose lives totally revolved around their boyfriends. It's a lonely experience for them when those relationships end, and instead of looking back on high school with lots of memories from dozens of friends, all they have are memories of someone with whom they're no longer in a relationship. I hope she wakes up in time to salvage some of her friendships, even if this trip can't be salvaged. But in my experience, those girls generally don't realize what short-sighted decisions they're making until college or well beyond.

 

[3happydancers]

This is excellent advise!

I guess I'm the only one feeling for the BFF. She went from going on a trip to WDW with her BFF to being cut out of the friendship and the vacation in 2 short days. Yes, I know she was being self-centered but that's how teen girls act . I think it was all a teen girl tempest in a teakettle and the BFF's mom was right about staying out of it. OP, I know that you were so worried about the BFF bailing at the last minute or missing her BF but I think your anxiety may have rubbed off your DD . We (the DIS) really don't kow what the girls talked about but it could be that the BFF felt attacked and made to decide between her BFF and her BF. So, I'm sorry that I'm not celebrating ... I'm actually sad for both girls.

Actually, it was the friend who made this decision. I showed no anxiety toward the friend, only compassion and some advise to both girls about trying to work it out. In the end, the friend told my daughter she was not willing to work it out.

As for offering guidance, yes sometimes it is best to keep quiet and sometimes even at this age, words of wisdom is needed. I guess this is where we disagree.

I am very sad for the entire situation.

 

[3happydancers]

Just a cautionary word: I would be very hesitant to put BFF down in front of my daughter.

It may very well turn out that their friendship does survive-- that she'll dump the boyfriend, or get dumped, and that your daughter will welcome her back to the friendship they used to share... relationships have survived a lot more than that. So think what you want, and vent to your husband. But be careful in how you describe it to your daughter. Explain that BFF never intended to hurt her or harm their friendship; she's in the stage of learning how to balance a boy friend and a best friend, and simply got it wrong. Let it be a cautionary tale for your daughter.

But you know teenagers, girls in particular: they NEVER forget. So don't put down that BFF, unless you're prepared to hear "It's because you never liked her anyway" this time next year when they want to backpack through Europe and you're objecting.

Agreed! I have explained to my daughter that this was a first, new experience for both her and her friend. I also explained to my daughter that her friend is probably struggling with trying to keep both her and the boyfriend happy, and that I don't think her BBF intentionally hurt her feelings. My DD has not experienced her first "love" so I reminded my daughter until she does, not to be too hard on the BFF. Right now DD is very hurt so she is not willing to believe this so I have to let it go.

 

[3happydancers]

In the OP, it was mentioned that the BFF has been acting like this toward OP's daughter for months, since the start of this relationship with the boy. I also can't imagine staying out of a dispute that could cost another family thousands of dollars. The OP's profile says she's from New York and she mentioned flights. They were going to bring their daughter's friend on a very special, very expensive, once in a lifetime trip. If there's any time for the parents to intervene, it's then. If it was some day trip to a local amusement park...sure, let the kids hammer it out. But with all the time, planning, and expense that goes into a cross-country vacation that another family is paying for...yeah, the parents should get involved if a dispute arises.

I do feel bad for the BFF. I knew girls like her in high school, whose lives totally revolved around their boyfriends. It's a lonely experience for them when those relationships end, and instead of looking back on high school with lots of memories from dozens of friends, all they have are memories of someone with whom they're no longer in a relationship. I hope she wakes up in time to salvage some of her friendships, even if this trip can't be salvaged. But in my experience, those girls generally don't realize what short-sighted decisions they're making until college or well beyond.

Thanks jtowntoflorida for understanding the entire situation. This is it EXACTLY!

 

[3happydancers]

In the OP, it was mentioned that the BFF has been acting like this toward OP's daughter for months, since the start of this relationship with the boy. I also can't imagine staying out of a dispute that could cost another family thousands of dollars. The OP's profile says she's from New York and she mentioned flights. They were going to bring their daughter's friend on a very special, very expensive, once in a lifetime trip. If there's any time for the parents to intervene, it's then. If it was some day trip to a local amusement park...sure, let the kids hammer it out. But with all the time, planning, and expense that goes into a cross-country vacation that another family is paying for...yeah, the parents should get involved if a dispute arises.

I do feel bad for the BFF. I knew girls like her in high school, whose lives totally revolved around their boyfriends. It's a lonely experience for them when those relationships end, and instead of looking back on high school with lots of memories from dozens of friends, all they have are memories of someone with whom they're no longer in a relationship. I hope she wakes up in time to salvage some of her friendships, even if this trip can't be salvaged. But in my experience, those girls generally don't realize what short-sighted decisions they're making until college or well beyond.

I wanted to add that I just learned that the BFF started controlling the boyfriend. She talked him out of joining a club that was very important to him and the boyfriend's parents were going to send him to Ireland to be with extended family for the summer and the girlfriend talked him out of that too. Not to mention that this past week he and his immediate family were going to Buffalo but he "suddenly" got very sick, vacation was cancelled, and then the girlfriend spent this week with him, nursing him back to health. So, as I sit back and the story unwinds, I am learning that the situation is becoming uglier.

People change and grow, but not always for the better.

 

[laughinplace199]

Just a cautionary word: I would be very hesitant to put BFF down in front of my daughter.

It may very well turn out that their friendship does survive-- that she'll dump the boyfriend, or get dumped, and that your daughter will welcome her back to the friendship they used to share... relationships have survived a lot more than that. So think what you want, and vent to your husband. But be careful in how you describe it to your daughter. Explain that BFF never intended to hurt her or harm their friendship; she's in the stage of learning how to balance a boy friend and a best friend, and simply got it wrong. Let it be a cautionary tale for your daughter.

But you know teenagers, girls in particular: they NEVER forget. So don't put down that BFF, unless you're prepared to hear "It's because you never liked her anyway" this time next year when they want to backpack through Europe and you're objecting.

Aliceacc, you always have great advice!