Teen Help Needed!!! (Long)

[3happydancers]

As much as it hurts, I think we have to let our kids figure some of this stuff out themselves. It's a reality that will continue throughout their lives-- friends and boyfriends will stay close for a while, then possibly lose interest and move on. It hurts like crazy, but we've got to give them the tools to learn how to recover from this type of hurt.

One thing you might consider is to host a planning party with the two families-- maybe a BBQ. It would be a good time to set the ground rules for the girls, talk finances, and to get them both excited about the trip. And inviting the parents would make it harder for BFF to back out of the day. It's something I think you should probably do anyway, even if there had been no boyfriend in the picture.

You could talk about how much time the girls spend together alone, as opposed to with you and your husband. And you could consider setting some parameters on cell phone use-- I can envision BFF spending the entire trip glued to her phone, talking to her boyfriend, as your daughter is ignored.

I would very much like to have a planning party. I've actually tried. Each time I try to initiate a gathering, there is a reason they don't. But, maybe I should try one more time. Maybe I need to be firm about the importance of talking about the parameters with the girls (especially with a boyfriend in the background).

Funny you should mention this, but my daughter actually shared with me that she feels that if her BFF still comes, that she will constantly be on the phone and/or texting her boyfriend. I will keep this in mind!

 

[3happydancers]

Remember this is your invitation. If your daughter's friend is being hurtful, whether it be intentional or not, you have the right to change your mind and un-invite. It's not attacking to expect a firm commitment from the friend, especially with such a big trip. On the contrary, it is rude on their part. You do what's best for your DD.

I feel like this on the inside. I would also like to give this a few days to see if the girls can resolve the problem but I'm not sure if the BFF & DD seem to agree, that the BFF is maybe doing it more for the trip and not friendship.

 

[Aliceacc]

I would stress the importance with the parents. You need to establish ground rules, get insurance info and so on. The trip does NOT happen without this meeting..would they prefer Saturday or Sunday???

 

[3happydancers]

Does your daughter really want this friend to go, with the way she's been treated? I'd be talking to her about that, about how everyone deserves to be treated well by the people in their lives.

In all honestly, I would tell the other family that based on the decisions that the daughter has made in treating her supposed best friend, that she's no longer invited on the trip. Honestly, I can't believe that this girl is acting so ungratefully...you're essentially paying for an amazing vacation! And if you cancel her flight, won't that mean money out of your pocket either way? With the strain between the girls, and the friend's obsession with her boyfriend, I just don't see this trip going well. I agree with the previous poster who said the girl is likely to be calling/texting her boyfriend the entire trip. If you limit her phone use, then she'll be bitter. If you don't, then your daughter will likely be ignored. It's a no-win situation, and I'm thinking that maybe you guys are just better off making it a family-only vacation and leaving this other ungrateful child behind. Cut your losses now and I think you'll improve your chances at having an amazing vacation. With this girl involved, it just seems like a looming disaster.

I find the other mom's response curious as well...again, you guys are generously including this girl in your very expensive vacation plans, and that mom doesn't want to intervene??? Are these people always so ungrateful? It tells me that maybe the mom knows that her daughter really doesn't want to go anymore and so she didn't want to make excuses for her.

Totally agree with this especially putting limitations on the phone usage. I was pretty shocked when the mom said she did not want to get involved. I asked if she thought the friendship was worth salvaging but never got a direct answer. In the end though, she agreed to speak to her daughter. So I guess we shall see.

No, I'm not sure DD wants her friend to come. I think she is torn. A whole year of planning, talking, and dreaming. On the one hand, I think DD wants to cancel with this friend, on the other hand I think deep down she knows the trip will not be the same as it was to celebrate their "Sweet 16th Birthday" together.

 

[3happydancers]

Your daughter needs to talk it through with her friend. Just remind her to be calm about it and not say anything that could potentially jeopardize their friendship or their trip. It's not an uncommon situation and they need to work it out together or they're never going to get past this if their parents patch it up for them, because it'll take more than a few words from mom to fix feelings that were hurt by this.

Agreed. The two girls need to talk this out but not via text. They need to be face to face.

I wasn't looking for us parents to patch things up but rather to give input about how friends don't treat friend's like this and suggest rethinking how the BFF was treating my daughter. Ultimately, it would be the BFF's choice to realize how hurtful her actions or not, and then either work it out or move on. I'm hoping the girls contact each other today.

 

[3happydancers]

I would stress the importance with the parents. You need to establish ground rules, get insurance info and so on. The trip does NOT happen without this meeting..would they prefer Saturday or Sunday???

I think you're right. I will give it today to see if the girls come to an understanding first. For all I know, the BFF may just decide not to come or my daughter may decide she doesn't want the BFF to come. Once I have this decision, and if they are on the road to amends, then I will make the call to the parents and insist on getting together.

 

[Gillyrose779]

Ah to be 16 and in love. I don't think the friend is in the right at all but this is very common in the teenage years- heck my husband is in his 30s and he as a guy friend that he has known since high school that is doing the same thing. The great thing about guys though- they don't get their feelings hurt and will always be friends no matter what. I've actually learned a lot about friendship from my husband and his friends. They have dealt with substance abuse, girl problems, financial issues, you name it within their circle of friends and they are always their for one another- even if they don't talk to each other for months.

My point is try to talk with your daughter about how her friend is not intentionally doing this but balance is hard at that age. If her friend is really her best friend I feel they should be able to get through this in the end. If your daughter is able to talk to her friend without hurt feelings and emotion maybe they can have an open discussion and come to common ground.

 

[Bamagirl43]

I'm sorry to be so opinionated, but based on your responses and what you think is going on, you need to ditch this flake...at least for the trip. She has the power to ruin the trip for your whole family and especially your daughter. My advice is put a stop to it. I have a teen daughter of my own and understand the situation all too well. Give it a couple of days to work itself out, and if it doesn't, cut her out!

 

[purpledisneyprncess]

I'm sorry to be so opinionated, but based on your responses and what you think is going on, you need to ditch this flake...at least for the trip. She has the power to ruin the trip for your whole family and especially your daughter. My advice is put a stop to it. I have a teen daughter of my own and understand the situation all too well. Give it a couple of days to work itself out, and if it doesn't, cut her out!

I agree. They can certainly try & repair the friendship but I think the BFF shouldn't come on the trip. You mentioned a cousin I think? That would be great to try & get the cousin to come instead. You can give it a few days but if there is no resolve, it would be chancing it with having her come. BFF's mind will not be on having fun in Disney with your DD, it will be on the bf back home. That's not fair to your DD or you for spending all that $ on plane ticket, food, etc.
your DD can try & repair the friendship after her awesome Disney vacation.

If you don't mind, keep us posted. Hope everything all works out, whatever is decided.

 

[mjkacmom]

Totally agree with this especially putting limitations on the phone usage. I was pretty shocked when the mom said she did not want to get involved.

I would be shocked if one of dd17's friend's parents called me about something like this. This is teen friendship/boyfriend 101, and 99.9% of all teen friendships go through it. I think it's a good thing, because there are some natural consequences that come about when you ditch your bff for a boyfriend (teen years are good for learning).

I went through this with dd17, pretty much all of her friends when they got boyfriends, dd's boyfriend's friends, and ds16 (who is not a good boyfriend - he prefers to hang with his buddies). Heck, I remember it vividly with my high school friends!

The trip is another story. They need to either firmly commit, or bail. If the bff thinks there is even a slight chance she is going to be moody because of not being with her boyfriend, she can't come.

 

[3happydancers]

Thank you everyone, for your supportive and honest responses! DD has not heard from her BFF as of yet.

Will post an update when I know more.

Again, all of you have been very helpful. I knew I could count on my disboard family.

 

[J'aime Paris]

Your post makes me a bit nervous. We are taking DD and her BFF to WDW in Oct. for DD's Sweet 16. Thankfully, no boyfriends in the picture right now. But we know that can change quickly. Hopefully your and our trips go off successfully!!
As for the phone usage, I took DD and Dneice to WDW several years ago. I made it very clear that I wasn't paying for 10 days of being glued to a phone. I had her put it in the room safe, and could check in with friends in the evening when we were at the pool or relaxing in the room. She wasn't thrilled at first, but after a day or two she didn't even miss it at all!!

 

[GotLabradors]

I agree with uninviting the BFF. The BFF is obviously obsessed with the BF (as 16 y.o. girls tend to be) and I agree with the poster who envisioned this girl being attached to her phone, sulking because her BF is not there. Does your daughter have any cousins or other friends she is close to that could go on this special trip with her?

My BFF and I went through similar growing pains when we were in high school. We're knocking on 30 years of friendship, so hopefully it's just a stage. Good luck to you and I hope your daughter gets to enjoy her trip.

 

[3happydancers]

Let me start by saying that DD to took a little time to let things settle. Then, she tried again this morning by telling her friend that she thinks they should talk this out, in person, not texting, on a day and time good for both of them. Well, her BFF wanted no part of it and that was that. At first my daughter was hurt, but I started to tell her some of the good points in all of this. She soon realized that she was more relieved about breaking ties. She had been unhappy for months with how her BFF was treating her but tried being tolerant and understanding about the boyfriend entering her girlfriend's life. She tried being "available" for whenever it was convenient for her BFF and forgot about taking care of herself. She suddenly feels free to branch out and reconnect with some of the things she gave up doing.

As for the money I laid out for tickets and a few incidentals, the mom did call me today and owned up to paying me for those things. We had a good talk and hung up on good terms.

The good news: One of my daughter's favorite cousin's will now be joining us! He can't stay the whole time because school starts for him on Aug 25th but we will be able to enjoy the first part of our vacation together. He will depart on Aug 24th. We head over to Universal on 26th and then home on the 29th. While at Universal, we will be meeting up with some long term friends!

Overall, a good ending to a very sad situation.

I want to thank you all for guiding me with your experience and advise. You guys ROCK!

 

[3happydancers]

Your post makes me a bit nervous. We are taking DD and her BFF to WDW in Oct. for DD's Sweet 16. Thankfully, no boyfriends in the picture right now. But we know that can change quickly. Hopefully your and our trips go off successfully!!
As for the phone usage, I took DD and Dneice to WDW several years ago. I made it very clear that I wasn't paying for 10 days of being glued to a phone. I had her put it in the room safe, and could check in with friends in the evening when we were at the pool or relaxing in the room. She wasn't thrilled at first, but after a day or two she didn't even miss it at all!!

I'm sure things will be fine with your DD and BFF and I hope they have a wonderful time together!!!

What happened to DD was unfortunate and I guess bad timing for one of the girls to find "true love" for the very first time. I'm just very happy that my DD is not sitting idol and wallowing in sorrow. She is already making plans and moving on. I'm also very proud of her for going the distance and trying to salvage her friendship but that has to be wanted by both parties.

Good call on the cell phones! We as a family try not to get too caught up with them. In fact, we do not own smart phones or IPhones. We have the typical Tracfones which helps to keep us grounded! (Not a dig, just what works best for us and our budget.)

 

[Aliceacc]

Yay!

I'm sorry it didn't work out as planned, but so glad that it worked out well for your daughter.

 

[3happydancers]

I agree with uninviting the BFF. The BFF is obviously obsessed with the BF (as 16 y.o. girls tend to be) and I agree with the poster who envisioned this girl being attached to her phone, sulking because her BF is not there. Does your daughter have any cousins or other friends she is close to that could go on this special trip with her?

My BFF and I went through similar growing pains when we were in high school. We're knocking on 30 years of friendship, so hopefully it's just a stage. Good luck to you and I hope your daughter gets to enjoy her trip.

Ultimately, this is what happened. Plane reservations have already been cancelled so no turning back or changing minds. And you all are right about the BFF sulking because her boyfriend would not be there. My daughter actually stated this and was dreading the possibility of this happening. My nephew, whom my daughter has a great relationship with, will be joining us and we are thrilled he is coming. He can only join us for the first part of our trip because he starts school on Aug 25th, but we are happy for the time we will have together!

Who knows, maybe like you, DD and her BFF will reconnect one day but for now, it's time for my DD to move on and continue to learn and grow.

 

[3happydancers]

Yay!

I'm sorry it didn't work out as planned, but so glad that it worked out well for your daughter.

Thanks a bunch. Boy, I'll tell you, all you want to do is to save your kids from hurting but at the same time you know how important it is that they learn and grow from good AND bad experiences.

I so appreciate the support of the disboard friends!

 

[StitchBuddy]

So glad this worked out for you!! We learned the hard way that vacation time is best if it is just family. I have a DD17 (only child) and we have taken friends twice. One time it was a disaster, then the other was pretty good. Their friendhips are very fluid at this age. It's hard when they let go of that special childhood friend, but they change a lot from year to year in high school.

 

[jtowntoflorida]

I'm so glad your daughter is happy with the outcome, OP. These are the types of growing pains she'll have to go through, but I think eventually her friend is going to realize what a mistake she made. That day will probably come after she and the boyfriend break up and she realizes she lost all her friends by not wanting to hang out with anyone but him.

I hope you have fun on your trip!