Teen daughter - vent

[martikus]

Teens are so hard. I do think if you are paying her there should be expectations of entertaining the kids. I would be LIVID if she sat around and let them get their own food etc. asking them to take care of them occasionally isn’t unfair.

you have offerred to let her get a job on weekend and she has chosen not too. Too bad it’s not the daycare she wants but you did give her the option. She made a choice. Until she has her own car that’s on her. I’d add a specific grade requirement too that grades have to stay if she works.

now if she had a friend who could pick her up for work at daycare I might think twice - though I think we all know how tiring that job will be and I bet she doesnt last a month.

raising a teen isn’t easy. You can’t make their life perfect. Sounds like you are doing your best. But I would tell her watching sibling is requirement right now. She can either be engaging and get paid for it or notbe engaging and do for free as part of the family.

To get more than necessities (including a phone) I’d expect certain grades etc. without those I’d cut all but necessities.

kids aren’t appreciative of what we give them. Just have to let that go. They will be someday.

good luck. I have a 15 year old and it’s not easy.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

For those of you that say she’s going to resent her siblings,

The resentment is because the teen is essentially taking care of their siblings like they would being their parent. The whole reason they are being prevented from getting a job and making their own life and being their own person is because the OP is making their daughter take care of their siblings. It's not about having to contribute to household chores by taking out the trash. This daughter's entire life is hinged on when she can be the caretaker to her siblings. Of course it can breed resentment and that's unfortunate because as with a lot of things it's not the kids fault at all.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

it would be better if the parents told her that she is allowed to get a job but would need to figure out the logistics of how she could make that work. She may figure out for herself that the current situation is best.

Unfortunately though it's not about allowing the teen to get a job. No matter what the OP is adamant that their daughter must take care of the siblings whenever they are unable to. Paying her more money or paying her money and diverting it to a fund to be used for a car or college won't change that. The end result is the daughter is still required to take care of the siblings whenever the parents tell them to.

I would totally agree if this were an issue where the parents realistically couldn't leave work to transport their child to and from work finding ways to either get to work or locating a job where there's good transportation options sorta becomes a necessity but in this case the underlying issue is the parent has no childcare for their other children unless the daughter does it for them. So setting narrow parameters such that the childcare aspect never gets disrupted isn't fair for the daughter as it narrows the field of what job she is even allowed to get. So when you say she may figure out for herself the current situation is best it could purely be just because parents have given a no-win situation.

Ultimately the OP needs to not rely any longer on their daughter to be that childcare provider and at age 17 they should have already been thinking about this since college was already laid down. Helping out every now and then at that point wouldn't need cash. OP needs to pay someone else. And maybe if they did they might be able to see how cheap the labor was with their daughter and come to appreciate her for the years of cheap labor.

 

[kymom99]

I’m sorry some of the replies are coming across as unkind.
A couple things: I get that she has a short list of where she wants to work. I suspect she wants to do what her friends are doing, even if it’s not practical. I’d let her try it. Be sure to let her know you won’t be able to get her there. See if she can figure it out. In the meantime, until she has a job, if she’s home she can get the brother off the bus. That’s certainly not too much to ask.
My step daughter at this same age actually balked at a job. Then she only wanted to apply to places that weren’t hiring. She finally agreed to take a job at a place that I had a connection. It was either that or not drive the car since she didn’t have gas money otherwise. I feel like if you remove some of the freebies and let her figure some of this out on her own, she will come around. You can offer her to work tax free watching her siblings but if she says no then so be it.
As far as grades go, I found that my son did better in school when he was busy. You say she’s not in any sports or clubs. Is she not interested? A job may fill that void and give her confidence.

 

[kymom99]

The resentment is because the teen is essentially taking care of their siblings like they would being their parent. The whole reason they are being prevented from getting a job and making their own life and being their own person is because the OP is making their daughter take care of their siblings. It's not about having to contribute to household chores by taking out the trash. This daughter's entire life is hinged on when she can be the caretaker to her siblings. Of course it can breed resentment and that's unfortunate because as with a lot of things it's not the kids fault at all.

She doesn’t have a ride for work after school

 

[Kimkimba]

I can understand your daughter’s resentment. Why are there cameras INSIDE the house if it’s only your family?

 

[TwoMisfits]

She doesn’t have a ride for work after school

OP mentioned it's only 2 miles, and many mentioned you can bike that in under 10 minutes (or walk it in 30)...I biked to my 2 mile away lifeguarding job all through high school. My parents never had to take me or pick me up from work...it's very doable at the distance mentioned...even in rain (that's why umbrellas were invented, and then walking would be the transport, since biking's tough with an umbrella)...

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

She doesn’t have a ride for work after school

Which the daughter can look at problem solving. But what do you think the answer from the OP would be if she could get transportation after school (even talking to the daycare place working on accommodations or arranging car pools)? You think the OP would be like "that's awesome you figured out a way" or do you think the answer is "sorry that leaves me with no childcare during those hours find a job that works around that"

 

[Kae]

First get rid of the cameras-you are just looking for faults. You say she needs practice driving but you let her pick up her sibling. That being said she doesn't have a bad gig. And I think she should help out but she is doing a lot for you and to remind her of how she owes it you is making it worse. I do think you are having issues with having an adult Kid.

 

[neverlandsky]

Team daughter 100%. Her very much younger siblings aren’t her responsibility. I say this as the eldest sibling forced to take care and watch my much younger half-siblings for years. My normal teenage years were stolen from me because parents wanted to control me and have a forced babysitter so “they could save money.”

Just by your OP, it screams classic narcissism. Hate to say it, she’s going to be extremely resentful and cut you off once she realizes how extremely toxic this situation is. Much self reflection is needed here with you and your DH.

 

[bsmcneil]

As far as watching the kids I guess I don’t see what the big deal is. She walks 100 yards to DS bus stop. She zones out on her phone while DS watches cartoons until DH comes home 20 minutes later. She gets paid $40 a week to do this.

To be fair, she gets paid 40 dollars to be present in case there's an emergency. That's why you want someone there, right? Have you set/negotiated expectations of what that 20 minutes looks like (helping with homework, etc)? From what I've seen you post, you feel resentful (and I get it - both on the parenting front and working as a medical professional during covid) and some of that is getting placed on her even as it's not really hers to deal with (as many others have said - you're not expecting her to take care of her kids - but yours).

 

[lifesavacation]

I am on the daughter’s side. Also, the OP seems defensive. While some of these responses might be hard to hear, I would encourage the OP to be open to listening to them and not shut down the conversation when she’s talking with the teen. She seems like a pretty good kid.

Teens are tough, but she didn’t ask to be a babysitter to the younger siblings. I can sympathize with paying for all the things teens need, like phones and insurance. This pretty much comes with the territory. Yes, the daughter should be expected to help out around the house. But it’s not fair to expect her to be the nanny for the two siblings without pay.

The OP keeps saying how it’s only 20 minutes to get the 7 year old from the bus stop. Where’s the 4 year old? Isn’t she also watching her? Please give her full credit for all she’s doing. The OP seems to minimize her help instead of being grateful for it.

When my son was 17 we hit a rocky patch. We own a business and he worked for us and was paid far more than minimum wage. We were entirely flexible on his work schedule. He got mad at us at one point and quit. He got a job working as a bus boy at pizza place for minimum wage with a fixed schedule and lasted a week before he quit and asked to come back and work for us. So sometimes letting them have their freedom to make choices will help them figure out a few of life’s lessons on their own. He is now 25 and we laugh about what happened.

 

[Brett Wyman]

You need to pay a sitter. $40 a week for her is nothing for what she does. Hire a sitter for after school and days when your and your husband work overlaps. If this keeps up, she will leave and not look back.

Agreed. Or pay her near what a sitter would get if she's doing that amount of work. I firmly believe all kids should help out but if she has to basically nanny her siblings a set number of times a week, I think that deserves compensation and recognition. All kids get everything that need to live. Thats on us, not them, and should never be used as a bargaining or power play tool.

 

[Karin1984]

Oh, one more thing, instead of talking to her when she wakes up (Hope you see this on time), take the time to process what we have been saying here.
You are overworked and stressed out. Take a step back first to think before talking to her.

 

[GreatLakes]

I can understand your daughter’s resentment. Why are there cameras INSIDE the house if it’s only your family?

Ours are linked to our security system. They only record when the alarm is tripped or proactively when the entry countdown starts. They are aimed at doors but are inside the house.

 

[Colleen27]

As a kid who was expected to do "no big deal" care for my little brother when I was in school, I see your daughter's point. You see it as no big deal because it isn't a ton of time or heavy work, but from her perspective, having to get her sibling off the bus or watch them for an hour is just as disruptive to anything she might want to plan as an actual job would be, but for far less money. She can't make plans or go home with a friend after school if she has to be there to meet the bus and sit while her siblings watch cartoons. She probably feels some pressure, even if she's not letting on to you, not to engage in after-school activities as well because of those responsibilities. And if she can't make plans, she probably feels like she may as well have a "real" job where she'd get more than $40 for her time. Your solution - encouraging her to get a weekend job in addition to her childcare responsibilities when "most of" her friends work a weekday job and presumably have weekends more free to socialize - is likely to look like making it worse, from her POV.

Grades are an issue, of course, and you should make it clear that if they suffer the job is the first thing to give. But it isn't fair to minimize her contribution to the family, use regular teenage expenses like adding her to your car insurance to justify it, and expect her to be content/grateful to arrange her high school years around her siblings' childcare needs.

 

[Southernmiss]

A question, do the younger kids have the same set of parents as older dd?

What does your husband think? Is he her natural father?

These type family dynamics can affect how kids see parents and how parents see kids and situations.

I see how dh's brother treated his kids and now how dh's son and his wife treat their teens with a very heavy hand and mindset of 'kids these days' and they expect their kids to get in trouble because brother in law did. Very old fashioned ideas to me.

Whereas, dh and I parented differently and there is a big difference in our young adults and how they see the world and the kind of adults they are.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

To be fair, she gets paid 40 dollars to be present in case there's an emergency.

not sure what mom expects daughter to do after she walks to the bus stop and walks her brother back, until dad comes home 20 minutes later. Obviously she is being paid to hang around in case there is an emergency and not for actual babysitting. If the OP expects her daughter to do something else, looks like there hasn't been communication as to what. The OP believes she is not asking a lot compared to what she provides for her daughter, but the daughter apparently is not seeing it that way

 

[SandyinMonterey]

I've always felt that as a parent, one of my jobs was to prepare my daughter for the next level of life. I don't think watching her siblings and paying for everything for her will help.

 

[mumto3girls]

First of all, OP, thank you for everything you are doing. These last few years have been rough, and it sounds like you and your husband have been in the thick of it. You must be overwhelmed and exhausted. To me, that was what was coming through your post most loud and most clear. And you are juggling the job, a home, a marriage and 3 kids with no break in sight trying to make the best of it and trying to make sure it all works out and everyone has what they need. I get your side of this, I really do. It really isn’t a lot to expect of a 17 year old to pick up a sibling a few days a week and provide child care occasionally—it’s part of being a family. And I hear that sometimes those extra shifts you are taking on are going to pay for a car for the 17 year old which is very generous.

Some 17 year olds would be very grateful for what you are doing and accepting of their role in your plan, but many would not. Yours isn’t. And that is the issue here. She is 17, almost to adulthood. She wants to make her own plan. Friends are super important at this age and she wants to do what her friends are doing—working at the daycare, gaining independence, starting to earn and manage her own money. I think you need to sit down with her and figure out a plan (a general one, not one that maps out how she would get to work—that’s on her) and let her know that you are willing to work with her on this. I would make it clear that may mean you need to not take extra shifts which may slow down the car purchase or may require money from her, whatever those details may be. I would also tell her that you intentions were good, you want the best for her and everyone else in the family, but that you are realizing that it’s time for her to start having a say in what is best for her. See what she says. It might not all work out perfectly, but open up the door for future conversations.