Teachers, do you ever feel like you can't win (on the DIS?)

[SRUAlmn]

I have been reading all of these threads with concerns regarding teachers making comments to students about smoking being bad for you, or how to eat healthy, or encouraging exercise, etc... While I don't agree with the way many of the teachers in the aforementioned posts handled their class discussions, I was more bothered by some of the comments that parents had made in response to these posts.

As a teacher, I feel that it is my job to educate and mold the whole child. We don't just teach the basics, we also teach social skills, relationships, self esteem, values (to a degree,) etc... Peer pressure and schools are where most children 'learn' to do drugs or alcohol or smoke. I would think parents would see that school is the place where these discussions are going to be most effective.

I also don't understand why many parents post that they are upset when a teacher doesn't understand their child, or needs to know what is going on at home to explain behavior, but then as soon as they don't like something the teacher says it changes to 'what goes on at home is none of the teacher's business.'

I'm a new teacher and it's very frustrating for me to read all of these. Does anyone else ever feel the same?

 

[disykat]

While I disagree with your "most effective" wording (I think parents are most effective) I totally agree that these discussions should happen at school. Teachers need to be careful about spouting opinions vs. fact, and careful about treading on family beliefs, but should definately be involved in helping the kids learn to make healthy decisions.

Fortunately I never had any issues with parents over this when I was teaching and I haven't had any issues with my kid's teachers either. The DIS can give you a warped perception since there are so many here that are anti-school. IRL you probably won't run into any issues with this.

 

[aprilgail2]

The DIS can give you a warped perception since there are so many here that are anti-school. IRL you probably won't run into any issues with this.

I am not anti-school but I just think teachers should remember their place- and their place is NOT parent of that child. I don't go to school and tell the teacher how to teach math and spelling and I don't want them butting into how I parent my child..if I want her to eat cookies and drink soda that is my business, not the schools. Our school sent a note home on the week before that darn state testing saying to feed your child a healthy breakfast that week and have them in bed by 8pm....excuse me??? Who are they to tell me when my child should go to bed?? I just think that the school seem to think that they own my child simply because she goes to school there 6 hours a day.
I love my daughters teacher and haven't had anything this year that I didn't like, she doesn't say anything when my daughter has cookies for snack etc...I go in and help out with the reading program, class parties etc and we get along just fine...just don't start telling me how to raise and feed my child and we will get along just fine...

 

[jimmiej]

Over the years, I've learned I have to be very careful what I say re: anything remotely controversial.

 

[diznygirl]

I love teachers - they have a hard job and are required to do so much. I put them on a pedastal.

BUT teachers can be wrong too. Just because I admire what they do, doesn't mean that there aren't bad ones out there, or that the good ones can't screw up sometimes. IRL, that's how it is.

 

[Blondy876]

I could not agree with you more. However, it would appear that because I am a teacher I am also automatically a bad mom (per another Dis poster). Sorry I'm still a bit bitter.

I love my students and I completely agree that the parents should parent and the teachers should teach. And sometimes those two things intertwine and that's when communication becomes such an important factor. I also agree that the school has no place in telling a parent what to send in for their child to eat or when that child should go to bed. That being said those kinds of notes often go home from the school nurse or administration, not always the teacher. I know at my school we have what are called "family workers", it is a job that the state requires. Their whole job is to advise families on healthy habits and behavior issue etc. Many times notes go home from them asking parents not to send in sweets or send their kid to bed early. Some parents get very upset over this and I can't blame them. But I have to let them know it didn't come from me and I have no control over what things the administration does.

I love being a teacher, I'm certainly not in it for the pay. Every now and then I get a student with a parent who basically hates me for everything. They ask that their child not be placed near a window for nap time, so I put them across the room and that parent comes in shouting expletives because I placed their child on a cot on the rug.( ) Sometimes you just can't win. I do my very best for every student in my class. That's all I can do.

 

[SRUAlmn]

I am not anti-school but I just think teachers should remember their place- and their place is NOT parent of that child.

I agree, and most teachers know that and don't try to interfere in parenting. However, as educators, we have a great deal of experience in different behavior types and what things will work and won't work. If we are trying something at school that will help subdue a behavior it's often much more beneficial if that same technique is tried at home in order to have consistency and better results or vice versa. There are many situations like this in which having the parent and teacher on the same page is going to be the most beneficial for the child and I wish more parents could see the big picture more and not take offense to things so easily (as long as they are approached appropriately.)

I think oftentimes we start to feel like parents to them, especially in the lower grades. We help them tie their shoes, we teach them to write their names, we are there for them if they have an accident, we teach them how to be good people, and they rely on us a lot! We see many children for more hours in a week then their parents do. It just upsets me that many times our suggestions or ideas mean squat in the eyes of the parent because we didn't give birth to them when, in fact, we are trying to do what is best for the child. I don't see why everything is always taken so personally.

(As I said before. I do not agree with the way teachers handled the situation in some of the other posts. I'm just speaking about the variety of posts on here in general.)

Ex-
You have one thread where a parent was upset that a teacher didn't understand that his/her child was acting a certain way because of a situation going on at home.
Right after that there was a post that a parent was upset because the teacher was trying to dictate how the children should behave at home.

So should teachers care about what goes on at home or not?


ETA: It may explain more why I feel this way if I post that I teach at a Title I school in a very high poverty community in which many of my students have parents who are rarely home, or their live with aunts and uncles, or they live in foster homes, or they jump from house to house every night. I feel like they need me and the stability of school. I feel awful if I even have to be out of school for a day because I'm sick. If a parent was ever angry at me for trying to be there for their child it would really upset me.

 

[SRUAlmn]

I could not agree with you more. However, it would appear that because I am a teacher I am also automatically a bad mom (per another Dis poster). Sorry I'm still a bit bitter.

I saw that

 

[daisyduck123]

In answer to the OP's question....

yes, there are many times when I feel I "can't win".

In the same week one parent will complain that too much homework is given while another will complain that not enough is given.

I have one mom who wanted a daily behavior report sent home with her child & then I look in his backpack & see the last 3 reports in there...she's not even checking his backpack each night.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

I just always keep in mind that "you can never please everybody all of the time".

 

[Ratpack]

As a teacher, and a parent, I get to see both sides of the "desk"- per say. I have to understand that MY child is NOT the only child in the classroom and does not/ should not get any special treatment because I am at the school with her. As hard as that is, I want my child to be treated equally with the same opportunities as the others. Even in second grade, she is expected to be responsible for her work and actions. I try to take things she tells me with a grain of salt- she is a kid with an imagination and discuss things with her teacher, if I feel that the story is "strange" or out of the ordinary. I was made aware of the school and classroom rules at the beginning of the year- so the expectations were clear to me and I agreed to them, as well as DD. It has done nothing to harm her self esteem, if she had to sit out of 10 minutes of recess for playing or talking in class. She learned the lesson. I have learned that I can't be with her all day long to stay behind her- she is learning life long lessons- a valuable teaching tool- I would say.

As a teacher- I can only deal with what I am dealt. I don't get to hand pick my classes, therefore, giving me a variety of children with all different situations. It never fails that each year I have a parent or two that will "attack" me from day one (without even knowing who I am) and continue throughout the year. Usually these parents have done this in previous years as well. Then I have some parents who are wonderfully supportive and get involved in the class. There are incidents when I am wrong and will admit it and offer any assistance possible to fix the problem. I, personally, would like the opportunity to talk with the parent about the problem, without them totally jumping the gun and discussing it with other teachers, parents or administrators. It is only fair that I get a chance to hear the side of the parent, student, (and both together- for clearer communication among all 3 of us) etc. without being judged so harshly. Fortunately, this usually doesn't happen that often. I have learned over the years in the classroom to "CYA" and have documentation for each contact made with parents- and always follow up with them several times. I try to keep in close contact with them with folders, emails, etc.

So, basically, at times, YES- I feel like I can't win at times, but then I have to consider the sources of the problem- and either act upon them or just "ignore" the comments. I chose this profession to teach the children- not the parent. I would only hope that we could be "partners in education" and not against each other.

 

[Miller1412]

I just always keep in mind that "you can never please everybody all of the time".

Isn't that the truth! In my first years teaching I tried hard to be a pleaser to everyone and it is simply impossible because parents want different things for different needs. I've come to accept it and if I have a 99% approval rating...I'm happy.

And just to add...teachers and school recommend bed times and foods because they CARE about kids and want to help kids succeed. No one is telling families what to do...just making recommendations that have proven to be effective. Believe it or not...there are many parents who don't know that kids should have an early bedtime or don't care.

My best friend taught in an infant classroom several years ago and had to conference with a family (a very wealthy couple with very high positions in a huge company) about the care of their 6 month old son. Apparently, they didn't know that a baby can't be in the same outfit for an entire week. They also didn't know that you have to bathe the baby regularly. They thought that because the baby wasn't active, he didn't need cleaning. They were very greatful for my friend's advice, no one had given it to them before.

My point is...don't be too quick to discount suggestions and advice. It could actually be worthwhile, even from a TEACHER!

 

[Disney_1derland]

I am not anti-school but I just think teachers should remember their place- and their place is NOT parent of that child. I don't go to school and tell the teacher how to teach math and spelling and I don't want them butting into how I parent my child..if I want her to eat cookies and drink soda that is my business, not the schools. Our school sent a note home on the week before that darn state testing saying to feed your child a healthy breakfast that week and have them in bed by 8pm....excuse me??? Who are they to tell me when my child should go to bed?? I just think that the school seem to think that they own my child simply because she goes to school there 6 hours a day.
I love my daughters teacher and haven't had anything this year that I didn't like, she doesn't say anything when my daughter has cookies for snack etc...I go in and help out with the reading program, class parties etc and we get along just fine...just don't start telling me how to raise and feed my child and we will get along just fine...

It is not bad at our school, but we have an amazing administration and teachers who really WANT to be at our school because they believe in the teaching methods used there. I know they often send home suggestions for us when the kids have a rigorous schedule but I know I can just disregard that if it doesn't work for us.

I do agree with them telling what to feed our children. That irks me to no end. Luckily we have not yet experienced that with our school system!

 

[barkley]

(former teacher, currently a parent here)-i can say one reason parents are hesitant to disclose home issues is because they do not appreiciate the information being even remotly shared with other staff members let alone OTHER PARENTS! i've been mortified when i've discussed an issue involving my child and another and had the teacher starts going into a "well such and such does have issues, his mom works full time and there are issues with dad, but such and such is taking counseling for anger managment issues"-EXCUSE ME if the teacher is going to openly disuss this child's home life with me who are they going to discuss my child's home life with. i would like to say this is an exception, but as a teacher i overheard many confidential issues discussed in staff rooms (not staff meetings-during breaks) when not only other teachers were privy, but clerical staff, yard monitors, the guy refilling the soda machine...).

as far as teaching healthy living habits-that's fine, but stick to the documented basics. don't let your personal beliefs or habits color your comments to my child who takes your word as law. my children attend a christian school where one of the teachings of the religion is vegetarianism. we knew this when we enrolled our children, and we respect it with regards to school lunches and snacks. we accept that the school may teach that a vegan lifestyle is healthy-but they have to stick with proven facts and theories. i took (as did several other parents) tremendous exception to a presentation on vegetarianism that had the presenter (a person with a masters in health care education) state as FACT that meat consumption can be the contributing factor to depression, schizophrenia and bi-polar disease, that meat eaters have greatly lower i.q.'s than vegans...the presenter could not provide any documented factual support for this-it was a theory she had discussed in college and she had accepted it as fact (fortunatly the parents were given an advance presentation at a pta meeting-and the resulting uproar kept the information from being diseminated to the kids).

one other issue that irk's me with the teachers i have worked with and encountered as a parent-many don't feel it is necessary to mention a problem involving a child until it becomes a "trend". i've seen this happen with homework not being submitted to inappropriate physical behaviours. as a parent, if my child is not doing something the should be or has acted out in any inappropriate way i want to know that day. it is very hard to address an issue after the fact or once it has become a "trend". i perhaps am more sensitive to this today because when my husband called school yesterday to report our daughter would be kept home ill, the teacher commented "i'm sorry to hear that-she's extreemly behind in her subjects and report cards come out next week". WHAT, SORRRY....at parent teacher conferences in november the child was missing a few items which we took home, completed and submitted. as of the begining of christmas break the child was behind in some math pages (per the teacher who would have prefered us not to have her do them over holdiay break) which were completed and submitted upon her return. tell me, how when i see a teacher every day at drop off and pick up and speak with her casualy 3-4 times a week-this is allowed to occur. would'nt it be better to let me know what is occuring when it is occuring? i cannot correct a behaviour (if it is behaviouraly motivated) if i am not aware of the behaviour.

lets just say it is as frustrating to be a parent as it is to be a teacher.

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

Sadly when I have to teach a child how to tie his shoes, say please and thank you, provide snack and sometimes lunch, and do all but tuck him in at night then yes we are the mothers to too many kids. I only wish parents would do their jobs then teachers would have only one...teaching. Or should I say trying to remain standing thanks to NCLB(better know as NO TEACHER LEFT STANDING)

 

[gr8tpanther]

I am not a teacher, nor could I ever BE a teacher! I don't have the patience for other people's kids, but more than that, i don't have the patience to deal with PARENTS of the kids!!!

I try not to interfere with my kids' education. The teachers do their jobs and as long as my kid gets good grades and has no complaints, I have no complaints.

I really have respect for teachers, they have the hardest job IMO. Dealing with kids, parents, school boards... no thanks!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have been reading all of these threads with concerns regarding teachers making comments to students about smoking being bad for you, or how to eat healthy, or encouraging exercise, etc... While I don't agree with the way many of the teachers in the aforementioned posts handled their class discussions, I was more bothered by some of the comments that parents had made in response to these posts.

Sorry, but, if you openly admit that you do not agree with many of these teachers, the just how in the heck can you flame parents for disagreeing!!!

As a teacher, I feel that it is my job to educate and mold the whole child. We don't just teach the basics, we also teach social skills, relationships, self esteem, values (to a degree,) etc...
I'm a new teacher and it's very frustrating for me to read all of these. Does anyone else ever feel the same?

Again, sorry, but this is where many parents would disagree. I am sorry, but I will take offense if anyone other than myself and my husband thinks that they have the right/obligation to 'Mold' my child. To force their 'values' etc... Period. This would include teachers, friends, relatives, inlaws, etc... This, IMHO, is where the line is being crossed.

As far as things regarding health. If there is a health class, then the approved curriculum and information will be welcomed. Any other direct comments are personal, negative, judgemental, and completely out of line.

Here is an example. While we may all agree with 'smoking is bad for the health', unfortunately, many many people do smoke. Many kids come from households where both parents are never seen without that ever-present cigarette. It is not illegal for adults to smoke. Therefore, it is allowed, and is a matter of personal opinion. Yes, I said 'opinion'. A teacher has no right to force their personal opinions on children.

I would disagree with your premise that a teacher should be considered be more effective than a parent. I did not make one single decision regarding things like smoking and drinking because of a teacher. Just about everything else in my world had greater influence.

I do not like it that many teachers take the attitude that they have the right to exert such influence on our children.

I also don't understand why many parents post that they are upset when a teacher doesn't understand their child, or needs to know what is going on at home to explain behavior, but then as soon as they don't like something the teacher says it changes to 'what goes on at home is none of the teacher's business.'

That is correct. What goes on in my home is NOT any teachers business. If I choose to offer some information that I feel may help the teacher to understand how things may be affecting my child, then that is my perogative. It is not your right. It is also not your right to make personal judgments based on the information. It is also not your right to discuss this information with anyone else.

I'm a new teacher and it's very frustrating for me to read all of these. Does anyone else ever feel the same?

I think that perhaps the fact that you are a new teacher who is really feeling the limits and boundaries of your job might have a little to do with your frustration.

 

[SRUAlmn]

I am not a teacher, nor could I ever BE a teacher! I don't have the patience for other people's kids, but more than that, i don't have the patience to deal with PARENTS of the kids!!!

I try not to interfere with my kids' education. The teachers do their jobs and as long as my kid gets good grades and has no complaints, I have no complaints.

I really have respect for teachers, they have the hardest job IMO. Dealing with kids, parents, school boards... no thanks!

It's nice to know that some understand how hard it can be.

 

[m&m's mom]

have been very lucky that my DD's teachers have always had the same values that we have and this is good ole' public elementary school down the street.
My youngest DD's Kindergarten teacher is just a gem. She is very outspoken about what she feels strongly about. From day one she told us that the cafeteria food was not what she wanted to see the kids eating for lunch. She wanted the kids to bring nutritious meals from home. She discusses their choices every day.
My DD has been so much more conscious about what she packs in her lunch. The other day she saw me putting a large amt of fresh spinach on my turkey sandwich for lunch the next day and she decided she wanted one too. The other kids made fun of her because she had "icky" spinach. Her teacher immediately came to her defense and praised her for making the healthy choice. She felt great!
Her teacher also teaches them yoga for stress release. Again, my DD LOVES it! She shows anyone who comes to the house her new "moves".
Well, this saint of a teacher got called in the principals office because a parent said she could not teach "religion" to her child. I'm sorry - Yoga= religion?????
My DM was a teacher and she said you are going to have unfair bosses, situations etc, in your life so you mind as well learn to deal with it now.
Sure enough, I had horrible teachers! My DM never once came up to school to complain. She just said "deal w/ it". Now, we are not talking about some of the really bad things you hear about today. Just mean and bad teachers. I somehow managed to graduate w/ honors from college and on to graduate school.
I think, bottom line, is we coddle kids too much these day. We rush to the school to accuse the teachers of all kinds of transgressions. We don't let them deal w/ things that are not right, but still happen.

 

[SRUAlmn]

I think that perhaps the fact that you are a new teacher who is really feeling the limits and boundaries of your job might have a little to do with your frustration.

Not at all. I have been working with children and families for 8 years and my entire family is made up of teachers. I have been 'involved' in the field for a very long time. These concerns I have have nothing to do with MY life, they are directed at posts that I have seen on the DIS. I'm very glad that I don't teach at some of the schools mentioned on here.

Also, I think it's funny that a few parents have mentioned that it's unacceptable for a teacher to discuss their information/situation publicly, yet most have no problem posting what a teacher has done on a public message board

 

[barkley]

Sadly when I have to teach a child how to tie his shoes, say please and thank you, provide snack and sometimes lunch, and do all but tuck him in at night then yes we are the mothers to too many kids. I only wish parents would do their jobs then teachers would have only one...teaching. Or should I say trying to remain standing thanks to NCLB(better know as NO TEACHER LEFT STANDING)

being a former teacher as well as a current parent i would like to point out that often a parent has repeatedly worked "teaching" a child to tie their shoes, saying please and thank you...there is a HUGE difference between being instructed by a parent vs. being instructed by an unreleated "authority" figure. prior to being a teacher (while in teaching college) i made good money "tutoring" elementary aged kids with their homework. they were completly capable of doing it but because of interpersonal dynamics with their parents (not talking negative-just the normal parent-child dynamics) they would do for me the identical task they would refuse to do for their parents.

there is a drastic difference in the way a child will behave for an unreleated adult vs. a parent/grandparent/other. the same can be said for adults-a spouse can repeatedly (in a very positive manner) bring to attention the negative behaviour of another spouse, but until an unrelated 3rd party makes mention of it-no realization or change in behaviour occurs.

in the case of repeatedly needing to provide snacks or lunch for a child i would question if there is an underlying question of parental neglect-and i would discuss with my teaching superior if i as a mandated reporter need to make social services aware of the situation.