talking with Teen DD about dating

[godders]

The decision part we'll have to agree to disagree on then. When you are young and "in love" it is so easy to manipulate the situation and it is the male's body that it goes on so yeah ultimately it is on him (literately even). I consider condoms apart of birth control because they are. Talking about BC shouldn't ever be just the pill because there are so many options some that work for some women and not for others. So yes BC talks should always include condom talk as well.

It might be the male body it goes on but we should be giving the next generation of young women (and any woman for that matter) the confidence to say no if he has issues with that. What is that saying? "No glove, no love." If he loves you he wants you to be protected no matter who bought them.

 

[DaisyJ]

The decision part we'll have to agree to disagree on then. When you are young and "in love" it is so easy to manipulate the situation and it is the male's body that it goes on so yeah ultimately it is on him (literately even). I consider condoms apart of birth control because they are. Talking about BC shouldn't ever be just the pill because there are so many options some that work for some women and not for others. So yes BC talks should always include condom talk as well.

So you say, if you aren't willing to wear a condom, you aren't getting any. Seriously, how hard is that? Let's empower girls to make smart choices and not leave decisions about their bodies up to other people.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

Do either of them drive? If so are they not allowed to be in a car either? I think when she has sex is going to be up to her regardless of what you want. Talk to her about respecting herself enough to make suitable choices for herself when she wants to and to use birth control when she needs it.

I agree here. OP, you're sending mixed messages. You're saying she's only allowed in public places and basically she's not allowed to be alone with him in either your house or his. So essentially you're saying no sex. But at the same time, you're talking to her about how to have safe sex.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

So you say, if you aren't willing to wear a condom, you aren't getting any. Seriously, how hard is that? Let's empower girls to make smart choices and not leave decisions about their bodies up to other people.

That's a personal decision. You do realize that many, MANY people (both men and women) enjoy the feeling of condomless sex right?

 

[smiths02]

I need to talk with DD16 about dating (She is in her first "real" relationship). She and her boyfriend need to have some limits set. Here's what I have for my talking points so far.


Boundaries: They may hang out in the public places of our home. They may not hang out in the game room unless others are in there too. He is not allowed in her bedroom. She may not have male guests over if there is not a parent present. She may not visit his house if there is not a parent present. She must remain in the public areas of his home as well.

.

My oldest is only 10, so I haven't had to think about rules for dating. I understand wanting boundaries as a parent. However, it seems like the rules are that they cannot be alone? So you are saying intimacy is her decision, but on the other hand, it is against the rules to be alone with her boyfriend except in a public place? So if your daughter decides on intimacy...she is either breaking the rules and alone with her boyfriend at a house or she's in a car?
If you are saying no alone time, is she then going to talk to you when she does need birth control or advice?
What will the punishment be if they were alone in the game room of your house?
Is having intimacy her decision or are you saying she can't make that decision yet?

 

[wilkeliza]

So you say, if you aren't willing to wear a condom, you aren't getting any. Seriously, how hard is that? Let's empower girls to make smart choices and not leave decisions about their bodies up to other people.

Again a girl can say everything in the world including no glove no love or whatever cute saying but let's not act like the world is all fluffy and warm and fuzzy. How many stories of girls saying no are out there where the boy still pressured her to say yes or unfortunately just out right rape. Again no scare tactics but the statistics are just too high to assume saying No is enough. That's what I was getting at.

 

[momz]

great thoughts everybody!

I didn't realize the way I wrote the Privacy issue suggest that she should never discuss intimacy with her friends. I understand that she will have these discussions with her friends. But I want her to avoid being the topic of gossip. So, speaking in general terms. But not a play by play of her conquests...which is how she says her friend talks.

But. I will be careful how I present that to her.

I will also discuss STDs and photographs/texting

I know that the decision is not mine. I want her to able to have the confidence to say no, and not be pressured into something. Likewise, I want her to recognize that she needs to back off if necessary and not pressure him into anything as well. Because it goes both ways these days.

I know that at some point she will make the choice to be intimate. I'm not naïve enough to think that I will have anything to do with that decision.

 

[Daniela Rose]

As a mom of two young daughters, almost 2 and almost 4, the title of this thread alone gives me anxiety.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

As a mom of two young daughters, almost 2 and almost 4, the title of this thread alone gives me anxiety.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I agree with education about birth control and STD prevention. Very important.

And I also talked to my kids about intimacy in a relationship, but I just want to add that casual sex is very common today (among teens and adults) and so although it's good to let our kids know our thoughts on it, they're also out there in a world in which that may appear to be old fashioned thinking. Look at Tinder, for example. (Not sure what it is? Google Vanity Fair's "Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocolypse".)

I think it's not a bad idea to have guidelines in the house, but I also think that if kids want to fool around, they'll find a way, even right under your nose.

There's definitely this. And the one thing that immediately occured to me is that: do you know the boy's parents? Because you have no way to oversee stuff while they are at his house. I didn't get up to much as a teen, but they were not home much or made hanging out in the common areas too difficult anyway (the computers, which we watched movies and played games on, were in bedrooms not common areas).

I think you should tone down the privacy issue. It's something she knows or it's something that she will need to learn the hard way.

Emphasize access to birth control and that you'll always come and get her if she needs you to, no judgement. This ties into the boy's parents thing- because if the parents leave on an errand while she's there, do you really expect her to leave? If she feels like she's restricted by that rule, I think it's probable that she'll start stretching the truth and aneaking around instead.

Also editing to say- instead of emphasizing not talking about it, emphasize only talking about to people she really trusts. Because, you know, friends are actually big resources. Not so much in terms of "doing it"- but what is normal, is the situation healthy- friends can giver perspective parents can't or won't. I'm over 30 now, and that stuff still comes up. What the warning signs are for emotional abuse or manipulation, is the guy lying, do you think I might have an STD, etc. seriously, this is the stuff you want her to "catch" early on in ANY relationship, and friends are an invaluable resource for that.

I'm coming from the perspective of someone whose mom DID NOT talk about this stuff. Like she was deeply ashamed of any kind of sex. I educated myself about almost everything. If she'd been the kind of person to limit my resources to religious or "appropriate" stuff, that could have caused some MAJOR problems.

 

[godders]

That's a personal decision. You do realize that many, MANY people (both men and women) enjoy the feeling of condomless sex right?

Yes but that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about two presumably inexperienced young adults potentially taking the next step in their relationship.

Also condomless sex, however enjoyable, shouldn't be happening at any age without both partners getting tested first. You protect the people you care about. People should have the confidence in themselves and their relationships to ask for testing otherwise you have a problem

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Talk about condoms. Birth control pills and other forms of female birth control don't do anything to prevent STD's.

Yes, all birth control methods. That's why I mentioned incurable STD's that obviously aren't prevented with the pill.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

Yes but that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about two presumably inexperienced young adults potentially taking the next step in their relationship.

Also condomless sex, however enjoyable, shouldn't be happening at any age without both partners getting tested first. You protect the people you care about. People should have the confidence in themselves and their relationships to ask for testing otherwise you have a problem

That's all fine. I'm just saying it's a personal decision (obviously requires two personal decisions from the two people engaging in the act).

 

[mjkacmom]

That's all fine. I'm just saying it's a personal decision (obviously requires two personal decisions from the two people engaging in the act).

It's also a personal decision to shoot heroin or not. It's really risky to your health to have sex without condoms as a teen, no matter how good it feels. It makes me glad that the giant box I found in ds19's room was empty.

 

[cabanafrau]

As a mom of two young daughters, almost 2 and almost 4, the title of this thread alone gives me anxiety.

It should give you hope that you have plenty of time to give them lots of good and reliable information from a source that has their very best interests at heart. TBH some of the best conversations about serious topics with our daughters came out of them inadvertently seeing or hearing something "inappropriate" or "adult". We decided a long time ago that if our kids were going to be exposed to some things it was better it happened when we were aware and could talk about it with them on their level and explain things and answer their questions. It opened up a line of communication and helped them share certain things with us as they grew up.

Now they're both in college, and while I may not be privy to the intimate details of their relationships, I do know they have solid information to work with and I know they had a lot to think about in deciding for themselves their own ideas about boundaries and what they want out of relationships.

 

[Westcoastwild]

That's a personal decision. You do realize that many, MANY people (both men and women) enjoy the feeling of condomless sex right?

While this is true, I've got to say my girl friends in college and high school were never the ones who said this. It was always the boys who used it as an excuse to not buy condoms..."but baby, I can't get it up with a condom on".

And unless they're in a committed relationship now- and I mean living together- the sensible ones are still buying and using condoms. There really weren't many high school couples I knew who even near that point.

(The less sensible ones are not relevant. I hope the OP's daughter has more sense, because those girls ended up with STDs).

 

[mi*vida*loca]

IMO sex is better without a condom but I would not encourage condomless sex with teenagers. Even if they've been tested. The culture is a lot of casual sex. Teenagers cheat and that person who was once STD free has now been exposed. I wouldn't trust my DD's 16 year old boyfriend to stay committed and faithful with all of the temptation out there. Come on. He's 16. Same for my DS's girlfriend. I have a 17 year old and I don't care if they've both come back clean after an STD test. Use condoms even if she is on the pill or Depo! Don't risk your life at such a young age.

 

[cabanafrau]

Wow, I don't envy you. I'm not at that point yet, my kids are 13, 9, 9. Only one is a girl, one of my twins. I know we'll have to talk to DS13 soon. It's a really tough call. I think a lot of that talk comes in foundations that are laid with your kids when they are much younger. Not about relationships and sex, certainly. But in building that relationship with them about anything you talk about, and boundaries you set, rules you make, etc...so that they trust and respect you and your opinion at an early age. So that when you have "that talk", they take it to heart and hopefully follow your advice.

In thinking about the boundaries part of your post, I totally understand it and 100% agree with it. I think what I'll worry about is that if they're bound and determined, then they'll find other places for privacy (not talking about your DD in specific, just in general). So for me, I think that while I will set rules like you will, because I completely agree with them, I also want to really focus on being smart when adults aren't around because I darn well know that if they really want to, they'll find a way. Like you said, OP, it's knowing when you're ready and when you're not, how to handle it, etc... Yeah, I'm a guy and I was pretty rebellious as a teen (I didn't care at all what my parents said), but I wasn't alone. Plenty of guys and girls I knew were the same way...and they all came from stable and solid families. So for me, I want to not only set rules, but try to be realistic and teach them how to handle situations they may put themsif a elves into.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck!

I'm quoting you simply because you commented with the particular ages, not to suggest you haven't done these things already. A lot of parents wait until kids are at a certain age to open certain topics for discussion, but with things like sexual activity that might not be the best way to go. If parents discuss things with kids at a younger age, granted quite possibly at a scaled back level of certain detail, it can help them accept certain ideas as good practice long before they're ready to engage in any kind of intimate relationship. So that by the time the entire issue may become of actual practical application in their life they have a deeper footing in their own mind, have an attitude mom and dad are good sources of info. and are comfortable discussing some of these things. Oftentimes a lot of kids get "the talk" in the teen years and get the idea in their head mom and dad just don't want them to have fun. It can make "forbidden fruit" seem a whole lot less tempting and mysterious if "the talk" has been essentially a lifelong conversation instead of a sudden flurry of warnings when they are a teen on the precipice of near total independence.

 

[mamacatnv]

I think the key here is communication, lots of communication that starts when they are born and never really stops.

When DS was a teen with his first serious girlfriend, his sister was 8 and we had house rules. I always thought the "you must never be alone, or in common areas of the house" was archaic and really didn't accomplish much, it always reminded me of the days when women needed a chaperone present to protect their "virtue".
What we did instead was we had a no doors closed policy. DS and his GF could hang out in his room, the computer room, the garage etc. but the doors were to remain open.

The other thing was I never dictated what went on in someone else's home. If GF's family let them hang out alone, there was really nothing I could do about that other than remind my DS to be respectful etc.
We talked and talked and talked. We talked about respect, dignity, sex, abstinence, safe sex, protecting oneself along with their partner as well as self respect, drugs, alcohol and the list goes on and on. The most important thing, I want my kids to know that I am a safe place, that they can come to me with anything and everything that they have questions/concerns about.

 

[SmallWorld71]

I need to talk with DD16 about dating (She is in her first "real" relationship). She and her boyfriend need to have some limits set. Here's what I have for my talking points so far.

I think that if I have this conversation with her, it will be easier for her to have the confidence needed when it's necessary. She needs to know what to expect in regards to dating and how she can a) prevent any unexpected situations, and b) know how to deal with things if they happen to find themselves pushing the limits.


Boundaries: They may hang out in the public places of our home. They may not hang out in the game room unless others are in there too. He is not allowed in her bedroom. She may not have male guests over if there is not a parent present. She may not visit his house if there is not a parent present. She must remain in the public areas of his home as well.

Respect: They must both respect each other. They must not accept or inflict pressure on each other. If one is unsure of the other's feelings on a matter, then they must back off.
Being safe: If you are not ready to be safe, then you are not ready. Intimacy is certain to change the dynamics of a relationship. If you are not ready for that change, then you are not ready.

Privacy: Intimacy occurs within a loving and committed relationship between two people and only two people. It is not something to be discussed with your friends, ever. As you well know, your friends will tell other people too (DD has told us about a friend of hers that has gone wild with her behavior...can't believe DD told us, but this is evidence that anybody will tell what they know). You do not want others knowing these details about you. Talk about embarrassing! If you are not 100% certain that intimacy and privacy is guaranteed, then you are not ready.

Thoughts?

My mother never talked to me about dating relationships. I did not understand that things can go from 0 to 60 in a second. I did not know how to slow things down, or stop for that matter. I did not have the confidence needed to make good decisions and I gave in to pressure.

I want my DD to at least know I'm on her side about these things.

I say this with the utmost respect as the parent of teens (so much more stress than little ones!) but that boundary list is reads to me that you don't trust your daughter. If my mother had ever talked to me like that, I would not have been seeking her advice after that. It sounds like you and your daughter have a wonderful relationship and I would hate for you to jeopardize that. All a list like that does is encourage lying. I have seen it many times.
IME, it is a better approach to assume that they are bound to be alone at some point and give her knowledge on what to do if she is ever in a situation that she is not comfortable with. While it's fine to give your opinions on intimacy, she also needs practical advice.
For example, you can have a code word/ letter. If she texts you, you call with a family emergency and tell her you are coming to get her. Make sure she knows that you trust her completely, but that sometimes difficult situations occur for all people, including adults, and she can always come to you. Good luck