Tactful response to backhanded compliments

[bumbershoot]

but yet still get the point across.

First, figure out what point you want to make.

It's my SIL and she says things like:

"One of the things I love most about Molly (my DD) is how take charge she is and shows initiative. But, she's also a bad listener and has a problem with authority, so I'm not sure if it's really a good thing."

Molly heard everything her aunt said and asked me about it later on, like why her aunt said she was a bad listener. It's hard to explain to a 7 year old who loves her aunt why her aunt would say that, especially when it's not true.

"Your kids are great eaters. I just hope they don't grow up to become obese because they eat so much. Maybe you should feed them less."

Molly knows what obese means, so she asked me why her aunt said she's going to be fat when she grows up.

"It's fun being around your kids because they're so full of energy and enthusiasm. Of course, they are loud and out of control, so I think you should let them come over and spend more time with Hannah (her daughter). Hannah knows how to behave and not be crazy all the time."

FWIW, my kids do have a lot of energy and are always moving. They're not the sit still and watch nonstop TV kind of kids and they're always talking, they're hardly ever silent. My niece is not like that. She prefers total quiet and would rather watch TV all day than go outside or run and play. She's an extremely quiet little girl (age 5) and different than any other 5 year old I've ever met.

After 2 days of these types of nonstop comments, Molly asked me if her aunt was mad at her because she kept saying mean things that hurt Molly's feelings. Now, DD is not a super sensitive kid, usually things just roll off her back and she doesn't let them get to her. No put-downs and name calling are at the top of our house rules list, so Molly didn't understand why I was letting her aunt break the rules at our house.

SIL is not going to change and she doesn't see how unnecessary her comments are. How do I address her criticisms when they're uncalled for and she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong?

First, to me, those aren't backhanded compliments. Backhanded compliments are the ones I get..."Oh wow, you're so much nicer than I thought you would be..."..."you're so much sweeter in person than you are online"...THOSE are backhanded compliments.

What you've got from your SIL are compliments AND then too much discussion of negative things in front of the people she's talking about. She needs stop stop at the compliments. A good auntie is there to make you feel GOOD about yourself. She is not there to make you feel bad about yourself. A good aunt will be there forever. A bad aunt will be ignored and never spoken to again once you are grown up.

"Molly takes charge and has initiative..." interrupted with "oh thank you, Molly did you hear that? say thank you" and then MOVE that conversation along.

The "good eater" thing, well, that's not a compliment at all, to me, but that's b/c I have my own issues with it. I was the "good eater" because I was the peacekeeper, and I ate disgusting things just so dinner would be OVER. While watching my brother and two half brothers make dinner last hours and hours because their taste buds woudln't let them eat.

Now, as an adult, as an allergic adult, with 3 brothers who aren't allergic to anything they choose to eat, I see that they were protecting themselves, and the ones in the wrong were the parents. But back then I was just angry with them, and went so far as to eat my brother's potatoes while mom's back was turned, so that we could get up from that table.

As I got older, good eater meant that I wasn't thin, but I was healthy. And then it became an insult, and now, guess what, no one could call me thin, and I barely look healthy at all. (I can do an hour on the elliptical, i can do whatever you need me to do within reason, I just don't *look* it). Phrases like 'good eater', no matter what its followed by, can do damage. At least to kids like me.

So I wouldn't let that phrase be said. If used, I would ask what it meant. But I woudl do it out of hearing of poor little Molly and her siblings.


When one has a quiet kid (me and my brother would play outside, but screaming was never allowed, and we would also be content to read books for hours, so we were quiet too) you just don't know what it's like to have a non-quiet kid. SIL would have a very unhappy group of kids on her hands if they all spent time there and expected everyone to be quiet. You can't teach the enjoyment of sitting and reading a book to someone who doesn't want to do that. You can't teach the enjoyment of running around screaming to someone who doesn't want to do that.

So she's just being silly, and perhaps questions about "what would that accomplish", or "what if Hannah ended up being more boisterous after that?"
would cause it to stop.


Overall I just think that these conversations need to be stopped before they start. "Please pass the bean dip" is a good way to change a conversation, of course have something else to talk about "oh this bean dip is sooo good", or, if you have no bean dip, "huh, thought I had it, hey, run out to the store and get me these ingredients."

My MIL is flat out insulting to the people she "loves". When she first met me I had been losing weight. The second time, I was in loooove and we'd been dining out and I'd gained *maybe* 10 pounds, probably not that much. She said "I don't recognize you, you got so fat, oh my goodness, you got so fat!!!" Yeah, thanks woman.

Now that we have DS, she is NOT allowed to say that kind of thing. She walks the edge...she is always saying that DS looks like my brother. What she *means* is that they are both trim and athletic. She pretends like she's talking about their faces (they look nothing alike in the face). And she also means that he's thin, unlike his parents. But he doesn't get that yet.

If DH and DS are visiting her, if an insult starts up, DH leaves with DS immediately. If she EVER insults my son, the visits are DONE. Not just for that day. I will not allow her to poison my son the way she poisoned my husband. He is almost 40 and is still working through the things she said to him as a child.

But even mild statements like "she's a good eater", when not immediately defined (you eat so many vegetables, and you drink healthy beverages, and you have a palate that likes so many wonderful foods!) can be twisted in a nervous kid's mind, and can drip its own poison slowly over time (does she really mean I'm fat? she's worried about me getting fat does that mean I already am, oh man now I'm sad, I need a cupcake...).


So stop those conversations. IMO, do whatever it takes. No matter if you do or don't, if she keeps talking like this around them, she will be the forgotten aunt, once the kids are old enough...

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Thank you for the suggestions. The comments are mainly about my kids, right in front of them. The ones that are directed towards me, I just ignore. But when it's about my kids, especially in front of them, my temperature starts to rise and I can't let it go. Resentment grows while the irritation just festers inside me. I need to address it. It's my SIL and she says things like:

"One of the things I love most about Molly (my DD) is how take charge she is and shows initiative. But, she's also a bad listener and has a problem with authority, so I'm not sure if it's really a good thing."

Molly heard everything her aunt said and asked me about it later on, like why her aunt said she was a bad listener. It's hard to explain to a 7 year old who loves her aunt why her aunt would say that, especially when it's not true.

"Your kids are great eaters. I just hope they don't grow up to become obese because they eat so much. Maybe you should feed them less."

Molly knows what obese means, so she asked me why her aunt said she's going to be fat when she grows up.

"It's fun being around your kids because they're so full of energy and enthusiasm. Of course, they are loud and out of control, so I think you should let them come over and spend more time with Hannah (her daughter). Hannah knows how to behave and not be crazy all the time."

FWIW, my kids do have a lot of energy and are always moving. They're not the sit still and watch nonstop TV kind of kids and they're always talking, they're hardly ever silent. My niece is not like that. She prefers total quiet and would rather watch TV all day than go outside or run and play. She's an extremely quiet little girl (age 5) and different than any other 5 year old I've ever met.

After 2 days of these types of nonstop comments, Molly asked me if her aunt was mad at her because she kept saying mean things that hurt Molly's feelings. Now, DD is not a super sensitive kid, usually things just roll off her back and she doesn't let them get to her. No put-downs and name calling are at the top of our house rules list, so Molly didn't understand why I was letting her aunt break the rules at our house.

SIL is not going to change and she doesn't see how unnecessary her comments are. How do I address her criticisms when they're uncalled for and she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong?

I still remember the hurtful comments made by adults when I was a kid. You might think that they will not affect her, but they very well may. Especially the "obese" comment and anything pertaining to her looks.

Why are you letting this ***** get away with insulting your kid? She knows exactly what she is doing, and she is doing it because you let her.

You should kick her *** when no one is around...

If you don't want to do that, then for God sake's, stand up for your kid and tell her to keep her mouth shut or else you will do it for her.

What is wrong with YOU that you allow this to go on?

 

[LuvLDM]

I have zero patience for passive aggressive behavior, I would tell sis she was being rude...because she is.

 

[java]

A simple "Excuse me?" And if she repeats say "what exactly do you mean by that? It seems rather rude"

 

[2girls4me]

Shes just looking for a fight, IMO. People like that are only happy when they are having an argument with someone. Ignore her and move on. She baiting you, and it's wrong, but don't give in to her.

 

[worm761]

I am going to be honest and say that I have not read all of the comment.

Personally, I would inform SIL that if she does not like my family then she is MORE than welcome to walk out the door she walked in. I hold NO tact when standing up for my kids. Your DD's feelings are MUCH more important than SIL. Rock the boat and stick up for DD. Tell her in no uncertain terms that saying nasty things about your children will NOT be tolerated in your home. PERIOD!

 

[EMom]

Thank you for the suggestions. The comments are mainly about my kids, right in front of them. The ones that are directed towards me, I just ignore. But when it's about my kids, especially in front of them, my temperature starts to rise and I can't let it go. Resentment grows while the irritation just festers inside me. I need to address it. It's my SIL and she says things like:

"One of the things I love most about Molly (my DD) is how take charge she is and shows initiative. But, she's also a bad listener and has a problem with authority, so I'm not sure if it's really a good thing."

Molly heard everything her aunt said and asked me about it later on, like why her aunt said she was a bad listener. It's hard to explain to a 7 year old who loves her aunt why her aunt would say that, especially when it's not true.

"Your kids are great eaters. I just hope they don't grow up to become obese because they eat so much. Maybe you should feed them less."

Molly knows what obese means, so she asked me why her aunt said she's going to be fat when she grows up.

"It's fun being around your kids because they're so full of energy and enthusiasm. Of course, they are loud and out of control, so I think you should let them come over and spend more time with Hannah (her daughter). Hannah knows how to behave and not be crazy all the time."

FWIW, my kids do have a lot of energy and are always moving. They're not the sit still and watch nonstop TV kind of kids and they're always talking, they're hardly ever silent. My niece is not like that. She prefers total quiet and would rather watch TV all day than go outside or run and play. She's an extremely quiet little girl (age 5) and different than any other 5 year old I've ever met.

After 2 days of these types of nonstop comments, Molly asked me if her aunt was mad at her because she kept saying mean things that hurt Molly's feelings. Now, DD is not a super sensitive kid, usually things just roll off her back and she doesn't let them get to her. No put-downs and name calling are at the top of our house rules list, so Molly didn't understand why I was letting her aunt break the rules at our house.

SIL is not going to change and she doesn't see how unnecessary her comments are. How do I address her criticisms when they're uncalled for and she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong?

When it comes to my DD, if my SIL said that crap, I'd forget about trying to be polite or subtle or tactful. I'd just ask if she was working hard at being that much of a ***** or was she simply born that way? If you're Southern, you can add a "bless your heart" on to it for good measure. Seriously, I'd just tell her to lay off the "compliments" that start nice and end up sniping at my child. Tell her your kid is a great listener because she can hear every word out of her aunt's rude, hurtful mouth, that at least when people eat they aren't able to use their mouth to insult family members, and that being active is a good thing and she should try it since it helps maintain a positive attitude.

Then tell her if she can't be nice she can get the hell out of your house. I'm not joking. No one would insult my child like that and not get called on the carpet for it. You'll be doing the world a favor telling her off.

 

[pixiewings71]

When people say things to me about me I just say something like "Bless Your Heart" or "God Bless" smile and walk away, I learned that from my Gma. Of course half the time now it's Gma saying that stuff! lol

If it's about my kids and they overhear I tell them they should be like a turtle....."let it roll off your back". They seem to like that and I've heard them say "Bless Your Heart" a time or two as well. Maybe telling Molly to be "like a turtle" might help. I know it's hard, but it's an idea.

 

[dngnb8]

I am a blunt, to the point person, but sometimes that's not always the best way to handle things. I could use some suggestions on how to address backhanded compliments in a tactful way, but yet still get the point across. Any suggestions?

I find the blunt approach is effective LOL Works for me

 

[Gigi22]

Well, I would probably just tell SIL that my house rule is that if I can't say something nice about someone then I keep quiet about them--and she must follow my house rules when she is in my house. Failing which, I would just get up and escort her to the door. Unfortunately, I would then have to tell her not to let it hit her too hard in the a-- on her way out!

 

[LuvOrlando]

Kids should always be off limits so digs at my kids would get a blast, and it wouldn't be pleasant to watch. These aren't too hard to turn around on the person, just grab the she bull by the horns and take her on straight and tie her into a pretzel.

About listening, "Well we've been working on her figuring out the real info from the gibberish, she's doing well. Now we need to work on her doing it without others noticing she's ignoring them. I'm sure you'll notice when she really masters that one."

Food, "It's really hard for people with their own control issues with food to evaluate kids properly, that's why we go with the pediatrician's opinion because he/she knows whats going on & he/she says she's perfect. Keep working on that though, you'll get handle on things eventually."

About behavior, "I know I know, really happy kids act this way, I can see why you wouldn't be used to it."


FYI, I know some people come out here and say stuff they'd never say in real life and that some may think I'm bluffing. Take my word for it, I'm not the type, I don't embarrass easily and have no qualms stepping up to somebody, if they start it.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Master 'The Look' - you know, like a quick head-to-toe once-over - and say (each time she says something tacky): "When I need your opinion about my children, I'll let you know".

Or you could turn it around on her: "You're very observant about my kids' activities. Maybe you should consider that they are kids and are behaving typically.". Or replace those last three words with, "...you're a nosy so and so who should mind her own business".

 

[hereyago]

Kids should always be off limits so digs at my kids would get a blast, and it wouldn't be pleasant to watch.



FYI, I know some people come out here and say stuff they'd never say in real life and that some may think I'm bluffing. Take my word for it, I'n not the type, I don't embarrass easily and have no qualms stepping up to somebody. If they start it.

exactly. I think you and i have discussed similar mothers,mil. I think I am way more inclined be the ultimate momma bear if someone were to talk smack about my DD,just because my mom didn't have my back on some really heavy stuff due to it being "all about her at all "costs. they would have no idea of how mean I could be.

 

[shinysparklybubbles]

ITA. WHy be tactful when it comes to your kids? because it's family? Family schmaily. Tell her to keep her trap shut if she can't then she can get the blank out of your house.

 

[Disney Doll]

If I had children, I would not allow someone to make those kinds of comments about them. The fact that your child is questioning you about them means that the comments are having some sort of impact on her. You are the parent, it is up to you at this point to put a stop to it.

And yes, it will cause "Family WW3", so be prepared. I would give them one warning, and one warning only and it would be:

"If you make one more disparaging comment about my children that you try and wrap in a left-handed compliment, I am going to ask you to leave". Or conversely, if you are at their house:

"If you make one disparaging comment about my children that you try and wrap in a left-handed compliment, we wil be leaving".

And you are going to get "What??!! What are you talking about??? I don't understand".

To which you respond: "You said 'One of the things I love most about Molly (my DD) is how take charge she is and shows initiative. But, she's also a bad listener and has a problem with authority, so I'm not sure if it's really a good thing'. Essentially what you are saying is that my child is an annoying brat who doesn't listen. But you tried to couch in the Child Development 101 crap about showing intiiative. So stop or you'll (or we, depending on if they're at your house or you're at theirs) will leave".

That being said OP, please try and look at your children with an objective eye to make sure that their behavior is not out of control. Because as nasty as some of those statements are, they also sound like statements that a well-meaning person could be making to try and tell you that your kids are over-the-top and not fun to be around. I have sometimes tried to add a compliment to something to "soften" it a little.

Only you know your SisIL and know if she's a beyotch who's breaking them off on you or a well-meaning relative who's trying to point something out to you without bluntly saying "Your kids are brats and we can't stand to be around them". You see, I am the SisIL/aunt who has always been on the side of my nieces and nephews so their mother always knew that if I was commenting on something, it was out of love or concern and not beyotchiness. So my SisIL didn't take offense. She actually took my observations into consideration and thanked me for them. Just another perspective.

 

[tlbwriter]

First, to me, those aren't backhanded compliments. Backhanded compliments are the ones I get..."Oh wow, you're so much nicer than I thought you would be..."..."you're so much sweeter in person than you are online"...THOSE are backhanded compliments.

What you've got from your SIL are compliments AND then too much discussion of negative things in front of the people she's talking about. She needs stop stop at the compliments. A good auntie is there to make you feel GOOD about yourself. She is not there to make you feel bad about yourself. A good aunt will be there forever. A bad aunt will be ignored and never spoken to again once you are grown up.
.

I agree. These are not backhanded compliments. These are compliments that are simply the appetizer to a main dish of insult. And so, the way you handle them is the way you'd handle any insult to your kids.

Personally, I would probably say "SIL, I'm sure you didn't mean to be so insulting, so I'm going to forgive you this time. But please don't let it happen again." And she'll back track and exclaim that it wasn't an insult at all, that she was just saying... and you interrupt her and say "Like I said, I'm sure you didn't MEAN to be insulting. But telling my child that she is <insert whatever> IS, absolutely, an insult, and I want you to stop."

 

[LuvOrlando]

exactly. I think you and i have discussed similar mothers,mil. I think I am way more inclined be the ultimate momma bear if someone were to talk smack about my DD,just because my mom didn't have my back on some really heavy stuff due to it being "all about her at all "costs. they would have no idea of how mean I could be.

We are on the same wavelength with this stuff aren't we? I never thought about it that way before but you're right, I don't ever want my kids to feel vulnerable and unprotected either and that's why I am the way I am when it comes to kids, all kids but especially mine, some club we're in huh

 

[FayeW]

I guess I am the only person who is reading between the lines and speculating that the OP's daughter may be controlling the play with the other kids. I know kids like this, and while they may be sweet, nice children, they want to do things their way. That may be where the "she is a bad listener and has a problem with authority" comment came from. Perhaps the SIL is watching her 5 yr old try to join in the play only to have her ideas and suggestions over-ruled by the older cousin, and Molly is not "listening" to Hannah.

I have two of my own so I know all about noisy, busy kids. They can be exhausting to be around. Mine are teenagers now so it's pretty quiet around here, but when they were younger they had some friends who were really neat people, but I could only stand them in small doses...a little of some people goes a long way.

Sounds like the SIL only has one child so she is used to a much calmer, quieter lifestyle. While she absolutely should not make disparaging comments about a child in front of them, I think the OP should look at some of the comments about the behaviour objectively...maybe her kids could benefit from turning it down a notch.

 

[brookmey]

I'm sorry you're dealing with that kind of passive aggressive behavior. Honestly, my tactic would probably be to be honest with my child and say, "I'm not really sure why Auntie feels the need to be rude and hurtful, but you should just ignore her when she is being like that. You are wonderful just the way you are." If it got really out of hand, I'd switch up the wording and deliver the comment directly to Auntie.

This is how I've handled it with DD. And I also told her that her aunt is really sad inside (very long backstory there) and sometimes when people are sad inside they take it out on the people they love. So, we're not going to be spending much time with her aunt anymore.

I think you should tell your DD, "I don't know why Auntie said that. Next time she says something like that, ask her." I'd like to see the look on Auntie's face when a kid calmly asks a sincere question like that. And, I do believe that the kid has legitimate question. Would Auntie really have the stones to tell a kid to their face why they have a negative quality? If so, then the entire room will know what a schmuck Auntie is. Auntie might just listen to herself and think twice next time. It's a good learning opportunity for DD. It doesn't have to get emotional or negative. Just ask the question and disengage. Watch Auntie spin her wheels, lol. Sometimes I think people say stuff to hear themselves talk or make conversation and don't really pay attention to what they are saying. You could tell DD that Auntie may just be thoughtless.

Good suggestion, we'll be doing that the next time we see my SIL if she starts her comments.

The next time she makes a comment, I'd start with a quiet "Little pitchers have big ears." If she doesn't get it, and asks you to explain, then come right out and tell her that while her 5-year-old may not listen to adult conversations yet, your 7-year-old is mature enough to understand them, and her feelings are being hurt by the kind of things her aunt has been saying - especially when you have a house rule against put-downs. (Point to it here if they are posted.)

Done that and SIL's response was "What? Why do you think I'm putting the kids down? I love them."

I think it is important to remember that people who make comments like this feel inadequate and inferior probably caused by a touch of jealousy.

It sounds as if your DD is a capable young lady with a good self image and her DD is not. Her comments are most likely made to help justify her DD's behavior in her own mind as she compares the two girls.

I would take a suggestion from LuvOrlando and tell her you know a woman that seems so jealous that she always gives backhanded compliments and follow with a made-up example. Tell her that otherwise you like this woman, but it is sad that she feels so inadequate around you and your family.

As far as DD, I'd explain that, in life, not all people are good at expressing themselves and sometimes don't realize the impact of what they are saying. Let her know that auntie won't be the only person like this that she will meet in life. Your daughter should learn to say, 'It's too bad you feel that way, auntie!', the next time she hears her aunt say something inappropriate.

You've figured it out exactly and this is why I'm stuck. SIL has always made comments about my kids and it is because she is a very insecure parent and is constantly comparing herself to other mothers and her DD to mine. I feel like she's very insecure about her DD's imperfections and sees those as a sign that she's a bad mom. Her DD is very shy, timid, moody, mean to other kids, and completely dependent upon her mom, even at age 5. My kids are the exact opposite, and are outgoing, friendly, athletic kids. I think SIL compares my kids with hers and is jealous of who mine are because she wishes hers was more like mine. She often complains of how hard it is for others to connect with her DD so she ends up getting ignored. My niece is a very difficult person to connect with, sometimes it's as if there is no life in her, and that bothers my SIL because she sees my kids having lots of friends and getting a lot of attention because they're personable.

So, when she's said stuff about them when they weren't around, I would change the subject or focus on the positive thing she did say because I know it's coming from jealousy and insecurity.

"Molly takes charge and has initiative..." interrupted with "oh thank you, Molly did you hear that? say thank you" and then MOVE that conversation along.

Have done this and it has worked.

The "good eater" thing, well, that's not a compliment at all, to me, but that's b/c I have my own issues with it. I was the "good eater" because I was the peacekeeper, and I ate disgusting things just so dinner would be OVER. While watching my brother and two half brothers make dinner last hours and hours because their taste buds woudln't let them eat.

My kids will sit down at the table and eat what they're served. They don't complain and they eat until they're full. They don't get up from the table until they're done. My niece, SIL's DD, is a very picky eater. She rarely even eats half of what she's given and often won't eat at all during the day. SIL is so worried about making sure she eats enough that she lets her graze all day and doesn't make her sit down to eat. That's what she means by "good eaters," they'll sit down and eat when it's time and they eat until they're full.

When one has a quiet kid (me and my brother would play outside, but screaming was never allowed, and we would also be content to read books for hours, so we were quiet too) you just don't know what it's like to have a non-quiet kid. SIL would have a very unhappy group of kids on her hands if they all spent time there and expected everyone to be quiet. You can't teach the enjoyment of sitting and reading a book to someone who doesn't want to do that. You can't teach the enjoyment of running around screaming to someone who doesn't want to do that.

This. Her DD is so much the opposite of mine, that she has decided kids like her daughter are the "good" ones and ones like mine are the "bad ones." SIL's best friend has 3 kids like mine and SIL always complains about them.

So she's just being silly, and perhaps questions about "what would that accomplish", or "what if Hannah ended up being more boisterous after that?"
would cause it to stop.

Good suggestion.


Overall I just think that these conversations need to be stopped before they start. "Please pass the bean dip" is a good way to change a conversation, of course have something else to talk about "oh this bean dip is sooo good", or, if you have no bean dip, "huh, thought I had it, hey, run out to the store and get me these ingredients."

DH has been doing this when she starts in and he's got a loud voice, so he takes over the conversation.

So stop those conversations. IMO, do whatever it takes. No matter if you do or don't, if she keeps talking like this around them, she will be the forgotten aunt, once the kids are old enough...

If I had children, I would not allow someone to make those kinds of comments about them. The fact that your child is questioning you about them means that the comments are having some sort of impact on her. You are the parent, it is up to you at this point to put a stop to it.

And yes, it will cause "Family WW3", so be prepared. I would give them one warning, and one warning only and it would be:

"If you make one more disparaging comment about my children that you try and wrap in a left-handed compliment, I am going to ask you to leave". Or conversely, if you are at their house:

"If you make one disparaging comment about my children that you try and wrap in a left-handed compliment, we wil be leaving".

And you are going to get "What??!! What are you talking about??? I don't understand".

To which you respond: "You said 'One of the things I love most about Molly (my DD) is how take charge she is and shows initiative. But, she's also a bad listener and has a problem with authority, so I'm not sure if it's really a good thing'. Essentially what you are saying is that my child is an annoying brat who doesn't listen. But you tried to couch in the Child Development 101 crap about showing intiiative. So stop or you'll (or we, depending on if they're at your house or you're at theirs) will leave".

That being said OP, please try and look at your children with an objective eye to make sure that their behavior is not out of control. Because as nasty as some of those statements are, they also sound like statements that a well-meaning person could be making to try and tell you that your kids are over-the-top and not fun to be around. I have sometimes tried to add a compliment to something to "soften" it a little.

Only you know your SisIL and know if she's a beyotch who's breaking them off on you or a well-meaning relative who's trying to point something out to you without bluntly saying "Your kids are brats and we can't stand to be around them". You see, I am the SisIL/aunt who has always been on the side of my nieces and nephews so their mother always knew that if I was commenting on something, it was out of love or concern and not beyotchiness. So my SisIL didn't take offense. She actually took my observations into consideration and thanked me for them. Just another perspective.

She is not a well-meaning relative who's trying to soften a criticism. DH and I are very aware of our kids' imperfections and we do address them. We are not ones who think our kids are perfect and do no wrong. DH's family has said several times to us that they would rather babysit our 2 energetic kids over SIL's 1 quiet child because our kids are fun and they're well-behaved. My niece is a complainer and she's rarely happy. She also whines a lot and throws fits when she doesn't get her way. My kids don't do that because they know it's not tolerated.

Based on many, many conversations SIL and I have had (we used to be wonderful friends) I am convinced that SIL is a very insecure parent. She feels that her self-worth is based on what kind of mother she is. So, if her daughter is perfect, then she's a good mom. If her daughter has flaws, it's a reflection of her parenting. Messed up, but it is what it is.

This is the first time SIL has ever said anything about the kids in front of them. Part of why I didn't respond was because I was so caught off guard and didn't know how to address the comments without blowing up and causing a scene in front of the kids. Because of my history and experiences, that is an issue for me. I am a hothead and have worked really hard at controlling my reactions so I will be taken seriously and not brushed aside because I'm reacting emotionally. I did not want my kids to see me verbally lash out at their aunt. Agree with it or not, I have my reasons for not wanting my kids to see that at ages 7 and 4. I have talked to both of them extensively about what SIL said and explained myself to them. I assured them both that it will not happen again.

I have plans to meet SIL this afternoon for lunch to talk about everything. Even though I know where her comments are coming from, they've been bugging me long enough that I need to say something before I can't control it anymore and blow up in front of the kids and everyone.

I do feel badly about not reacting enough in front of my kids, but again, I was really caught off guard and kind of in shock that she would have the nerve to say these things in front of them. I was honestly speechless that she would say them in front of the kids.

Thank you for the constructive advice and suggestions.

 

[LuvOrlando]

OP, don't feel bad about not reacting strongly in front of your kids. We're all different. You asked for responses and people gave you how they would deal with it but that doesn't mean I, or anyone else disagrees with how you handled things. If you wanted affirmation and support that you did ok with it why didn't you ask?