'Tacky' Thank-You notes

[PigletFairy]

I really dislike the printed thank you cards for wedding gifts!! We got married in Nov 2005. It was a nontraditional wedding but i did send handwritten thank you cards and christmas cards to everyone on my invitation list. On my rsvp card i included an envelope with stap and an email address to rsvp. Some people didnt send it back... 2 way to reply, both free, how come people didnt do it? I went to a shower this spring and not only did i buy a very nice gift and made them a card, i did not receive a thank you card. I could not attend the wedding in may. I had heard you have a year to reply but come on! We are in the middle of the south EVERYONE sends thank you cards!! I would have been happy with an email! now let me get off my box....

 

[rt2dz]

rt2dz, it's awful to make assumptions about me or my friends and family.

First, I did not throw my shower. THAT is tacky. So I had no expectations from anyone to a) come, and b) bring a gift.

Please go back and ready my other post. I had nothing to do with bringing thank you notes to my shower or passing them out. A GUEST did that as part of her gift, because she wanted me to have one less thing to worry about. I already had two boxes of notes of my own because as soon as DS was born we started getting gifts from people.

And yes, I spent plenty of time in NICU writing my cards. But that wasn't always possible. Although I don't know what your situation in NICU was like, in ours, I was expected to do as much of the baby's care as possible with the supervision of the nurses, so that my DS and I could bond. I spent a lot of it doing kangaroo care. You really can't write notes when your son 3 1/2 pound son is inside your shirt. But when the nurses had shift change, I would sit out in the waiting area writing my notes.

Having had kids in NICU, I don't need to remind you of all the feelings you have during that experience. The people that were invited to my shower were a close group of friends and family. They wanted me to worry about HIM, not about THINGS. I was incredibly grateful to the folks who helped us. My true friends and family know that, card or no card. Although I DID get my cards out, anyone who feels snubbed in such a situation has his/her priorities mixed up, IMO.

Thank goodness my friends and family don't worry about the nitpicky things. They were worried about my DS and me. I love them for it and I'll take their tackiness anyday!!

I quite understand it was a GUEST that did it. I, personally, just think it is a tacky thing to do. If it were my shower, I would be embarrassed for that guest. I also proabably would have said, "how sweet & thoughful of you, but I can manage". That is just ME. That GUEST did think everyone who came should have brought a gift. But I have lots of friends (and most of DHs family) that have money issues (as in don't know what utility might be cut off from week to week or how to feed the kids) and I wouldn't want them to feel horrible. It has happened at my wedding shower where some people were horrified that they had nothing to bring. I was just thrilled to have them there. But that is my experiences, so...

As far as the NICU goes, yes, that was my typical NICU experience too. Very seldom are the parents not encouraged to do as much care as possible. And either I or DH was there 22 hours a day--being kicked out for 2 hours during shift changes so people didn't hear the status of other people's babies. I know what it takes. DS#2 has stopped breathing more than once. I get that, but it still isn't hands on all the time. I found the energy and the time. And again, that is MY experience, what I have done and what I would do again. BTW--it was baby #2 & baby #3 that were in the NICU, so I always also had other children to worry about and be with.

I'm not saying anything against you. You originally responded to something I posted and I was simply replying back again. Do I think thank you notes take a priority over a child's life? No. Do I get all upset when people ask me to address my own thank you note? No. Would I even care in a situation like that if I got a thank you note? No. Do I still think it is tacky? Generally, yes. I find pre-printed labels less tacky, at least all the work is on (assumably) the gift receiver. Any which way, is it going to end a friendship? Absolutely not. I'd still give a gift at the next occassion.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think all the "rules" for thank you notes are tacky.

We can't have rules for the gifts we receive...yet so many rules on the other end.

I'm sure some thought my thank you notes were tacky b/c I couldn't get to creative in the wording to make it sound like they gave me the next best thing to sliced bread.

"Thank you for attending my/our _____________. The _________ was lovely. Thanks again."

was typical of me.

(this wasn't a fill in the blank card by the way. I just didn't specify gifts. Don't want to get scoffed at inappropriately).

Too many rules. So do you send a thank you for the thank you, too?

 

[hniki234]

I've actually been in a wedding where I didn't receive a thank you note at all! I was not only a member of the wedding party, but I also threw a shower for the bride and bought gifts for the shower I threw and a shower thrown by someone else for her! No thank you note?!

I've never received thank you notes for gifts I've given at a child's birthday party, though. I didn't know anyone did. It's nice gesture.

 

[Gillian]

The envelope at the shower thing wouldn't bother me at all, because someone is trying to do something nice for the bride/mom to be. That's all it is. Big deal. So maybe the host should have done them herself, but we all know how much work tends to fall on one person in these situations. Why be critical of someone trying to be thoughtful?

DS got a fill in the blank thank you note from a 6 year old today, less than a week after the party. I think that's great! My kids love getting their own mail, they don't care if it's just 4 written words.

 

[autumnbaby9]

Is it any wonder people are no longer following tradition and sending out Thank You notes. With so many rules you have to follow and so many ways people will get upset with you, its just not worth it anymore. If their going to get mad at you anyway you might as well save yourself the time and effort and not send the card. I don't care if someone send me a thank you card, that was not why I send them the gift. I sent it because I wanted to and I care for the person, not to reseave any recgonition(sp?). If someone does send me a Thank You card I don't care in what form it comes in, I'm just happy they appreciated what ever it was I did for them.

 

[disneynewbee]

My children have never sent thank you notes for gifts recieved at birthday parties nor have they ever recieved a thank you note. She always thanks each person after every gift is opened. It may be an area thing but none of the families around here do it. I don't know to me it kinda just seems like overkill since you did thank them in person already. Now weddings, bridal showers, and baby showers I think they definately need to be sent but not kids parties. Let's be honest what do you do with the thank you note once you read it? I just recieved one for a bridal shower gift, I read it, said how nice, and promptly threw it away. If I kept every little note I recieved I would be buried in junk. If my kid for some reason did not open her gifts while her guests were there I would definately send thank you notes but I always make sure she opens the gifts in front of the giver. I also never give a gift and get insulted if I don't get a written thank you as long as someone says thank you in person or by phone and states there appriciation that is enough for me and they can save a few trees.

 

[badblackpug]

I agree with the poster that thank you notes are just good old fashioned manners. Children should be encouraged to write thank you notes for all gifts received. It is good training for the future. I also dislike "fill in the blank" thank you cards. If your child is too young to write have them draw some lovely artwork and help them write "thank you" and their name on the bottom, enclose it with a nice note from yourself "Timmy loved his toy truck so much he drew you a picture of it. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and thank you for celebrating Timmy's 3rd birthday with us."" If your child is too young to draw then YOU write the thank you. "Timmy loves his toy truck so much he sleeps with it. Thank you for your thoughtfullness and thank you for celebrating his 1st birthday with us."

OT: I recently attended a wedding that has the following card placed at each place. "In lieu of wedding favors a donation to UNICEF has been made in your name. Together we hope to make this world better for all children living in it. Thank you for celebrating our marriage with us." R*** and J****
I thought this was a lovely alternative to all those personalized matchbooks and jordan almonds.

By the way...I STILL GOT A HANDWRITTEN THANK YOU NOTE FOR THE WEDDING GIFT!

 

[U2_rocks!]

You know what I find hard about personalized thank you notes? I always lose control of the gift opening! We open birthday gifts after the party unless it's a small party. We usually start off well, keeping gift tags and gifts together, or writing down who gave what. But inevitably one of my 3 kids will mix up stuff, or I will have to take a break from gift opening to do something and all hell breaks loose! I suppose I could be militant about gift opening, but it has never seemed worth the effort. So if we do thank you notes, they are usually not persoanl - at least, not all are.

 

[Tiffer]

We only send TY notes if we are not there to thank in person.

Some people complain if they don't get them, now you complain if you DO get them, but they're not the right type?

Do you complain about what color ink is used?

Be happy you were thanked and I hope I NEVER get a gift from you...too many strings attached.

Isn't the point of giving about GIVING and not receiving?? From your heart w/no expectations?

Though crowd.

 

[snowy76]

Too many rules. So do you send a thank you for the thank you, too?

Lisa, LOL! This just came up today while my mom was visiting us. My mom and my aunt hosted a party after my cousin's daughter was baptized (my cousin's mom was their older sister and recently passed away). Anyway, cousin's wife sent them each a nice decorative wreath this week, with a note thanking them for putting on the event.

My aunt immediately thought of going to the store to get a thank you card for the wreath. But since the wreath was part of the thank you from my cousin's wife, does my aunt need to send another thank you back to her??

rt2dz, I appreciate your response. I think we'll just disagree on this point. I don't think something is necessarily tacky if the intent was honorable. But, as I've never experienced the whole signing-your-own-envelope thing, well, I guess I'll be more cognizant of that in the future. All the best to you, and I hope your kids are doing great these days!

 

[KirstenB]

We only send TY notes if we are not there to thank in person.

Some people complain if they don't get them, now you complain if you DO get them, but they're not the right type?

Do you complain about what color ink is used?

Be happy you were thanked and I hope I NEVER get a gift from you...too many strings attached.

Isn't the point of giving about GIVING and not receiving?? From your heart w/no expectations?

Though crowd.

Amen, Tiffer!! I had no idea this was such a big issue! I don't care if someone passes out envelopes for me to put my address on at a shower or party. I don't care if your kid uses fill-in-the-blank thank you notes. These are details, and I'm not a detail person, at all.

Snowy76, you made a point that is basically my life philosophy. With most things, I look at the "intent" of the person, not necessarily the outcome.

P.S. I don't think "etiquette" is always correct either. A bit off topic, but does anyone else find the custom of the bereaved having to send out thank you notes after a death just incredibly brutal? I don't even like sending sympathy cards because I feel like I'm obligating the bereaved to send me a thank you note. Unfortunately, I haven't thought of a way to convey that there's no need to thank me, but I wish I could.

 

[patsal]

I dont' mind the pre written, child fill in ones so long as it is age or level appropriate. I do dislike the enmass postcards that were printed on the computer and all say the same thing as a wedding or shower thank you, though.
My children must write out thank you notes after their birthday parties in order to get the gifts released from me--if you don't thank someone properly then you don't get the gift--I don't have to take the gifts now that they are older. They both just ask where the stationary box is so they can write them out right away. I dislike the little computer printed flag attached to the gift bags, and I loathe the scrolls and rings when they are used improperly as the only thank you.
Personally, I'm big on making people know that their time and effort are appreciated.

 

[Ask"WhyNot?"]

The question being "Do I think _______ is tacky?"

--fill in the blank thank you's = no, IF it is 2nd grade or below and it is filled in by the child (we've gotten those that are for the child that age & filled in by the parents or older sibling)

--no thank you note at = yes. As someone said, it is just good manners. Perhaps if people were to practice the little good manners more often, the bigger ones would make more sense to them & be followed more. Someone didn't just hand you a gift. The looked for it. Wrapped it. Is more than a verbal thank you really that big of a hassle?

--mass generated thank yous = Yes. Why even bother doing something at all if you can't take the time to do it right? It's not like you have to say anything particular, except thank you for X. You certainly don't have to use any specific type of stationary or colored ink

--fill in your own address = yes. Sorry, I understand that sometimes there is good intent, but the way to h3ll is paved with good intentions.

Now, do I really care if someone is tacky? No. I don't go around talking about them. I don't delete them from my gift giving list. I probably won't even think about it 10 seconds later. It doesn't phase me. HOWEVER...

There are all sorts of rules in life that you might not feel a need to follow. Speed limits are one that is often ignored. And, gosh, those pesky stop signs. I hear someone talking on a cell phone at every movie I attend. People are fudging the lines all the time. And that is the real problem. Laws get pushed and manners get set aside and then we can't figure out why people are so rude. But, hey, let's just say if something is difficult, it must not be worth our time. I mean, really, that 1 1/2 minutes it takes to write the thank you, including envelope addressing, will forever mean we've missed out on something else--like TV time. We all know how important it is to hear the latest celebrity gossip. So just remember, those kids who cut in line, probably weren't taught any basics because someone thought the "rules" were just too troublesome so why bother at all?

 

[autumnbaby9]

There are all sorts of rules in life that you might not feel a need to follow. Speed limits are one that is often ignored. And, gosh, those pesky stop signs. I hear someone talking on a cell phone at every movie I attend. People are fudging the lines all the time. And that is the real problem. Laws get pushed and manners get set aside and then we can't figure out why people are so rude. But, hey, let's just say if something is difficult, it must not be worth our time. I mean, really, that 1 1/2 minutes it takes to write the thank you, including envelope addressing, will forever mean we've missed out on something else--like TV time. We all know how important it is to hear the latest celebrity gossip. So just remember, those kids who cut in line, probably weren't taught any basics because someone thought the "rules" were just too troublesome so why bother at all?

There is a bit of difference between breaking the law and sending the "wrong" Thank You card. I'm of the opinion that it is the thought that counts not how creative or "correct" the Thank You is. A Thank You is a Thank You in my mind. Also, if I have to fill out my own address at a shower to save a new mother or bride some time then I'm all for it. Its two second out of my time but saves someone else quite a bit. especially if it was a huge shower/wedding with lots of guests.

 

[Breakfast@Tiffany's]

This has been a big topic of discussion in a moms group I belong to. Most of our kids go to each other's birthday parties (we're talking preschool set), the gifts are opened during the parties and a verbal thanks is said, but for the most part, written ty notes are still done. But, I do remember the few moms who didn't take the time to write notes. These moms are also the ones who didn't acknowledge when they receive meals(after a birth, when she's sick or other time of need).

I think it's rude to not send written notes, but I seriously doubt that the people who don't do it care one way or the other what I think. I'm waiting for the day when my husband's nieces who live cross-country ask why we stopped sending gifts. We never did know whether they received the packages or not, no thank yous, verbal or written. I think I'll tell them, We still are, haven't you been receiving them??

 

[Mono~rail]

--fill in your own address = yes. Sorry, I understand that sometimes there is good intent, but the way to h3ll is paved with good intentions.

I certainly hope you are joking with this line because it is a hilarious exaggeration!

 

[vhoffman]

I detest those fill in the blank thank you notes. Yes, they're to save to bride, birthday boy, whoever, time. Well, what about my time? The time I spent shopping for the gift, wrapping it, then going to the affair, oftentimes including an overnight stay in a hotel, expenses involved with travel, not to mention the time I spent at the affair. Then she can't even take the time to actually write a thank you note? Maybe she shouldn't have invited so many people!

Kind of brings me to another pet peeve of mine--those darned form letters people send with Christmas cards, or whatever. The implication is that they're so popular they just don't have time to keep up with their "fan club" with personal notes. Well, I refuse to even read those things. I just toss them. If they don't have the time to write me, what makes them think I have time to read their "newsletter"?

 

[Disneymaniacs]

but the tackiest i've ever received was one 3 YEARS after the wedding and timed such that it arrived the same day as the baby shower invitation (which the 'bride' was hosting for herself).

share-[/QUOTE]


Wow! This person makes me look good. My mother and mother in law were so mad that it took me 5 weeks to finish my wedding thank you notes. We had a large wedding, many gifts, 9 day honeymoon- to Disney World of course, and moved. But 3 years why bother. How was the baby shower? Lol

 

[badblackpug]

Mom, Let's Write Thank-You Notes!”

Sure, it sounds like a dream: your children running up to you and begging to write thank-you notes to their aunts, uncles, and Cousin Pete. It could be a reality—if you cut out the obligation and play up the gratitude. Explain the value and purpose of the notes: “Thank-you notes are a special way to tell Nanna & Grampa how much you liked their present.”

So focus on fun and honest sentiment. Get creative. Make what could be hours of boredom into an event they want to take part in—and in doing so take some of the burden off yourself.

General Tips

Explain that receiving thank-you notes makes people feel good. And it lets them know that the gift arrived safely and is appreciated.
The sooner the better! Get those notes written as soon as possible. But don’t be embarrassed by a note sent a bit late, even a month after the gift was received. It’s far better to send a late note than no note at all.
Spend a few minutes talking about the gift and what made it special: It’s a book you loved reading. You’ve already made three projects with the art kit. The toy is so much fun to play with you haven’t wanted to do anything else. You had a great time shopping with your friends and found the perfect sweater with the gift card.
Have fun, age appropriate materials on hand to get your child interested in the project: colorful notepaper, markers, fun pens, stickers and stamps.
If you have a camera, take a picture of your child and the gift. Include the photo with the thank-you note.
Again, remember to keep it fun! If you view this as drudgery, so will the kids.
3-5 year-olds

You will write the majority of these thank-you notes, especially for three-year-olds. Involve your child in the process by explaining what you are doing and showing her the form and content of the card or note.

Leave an area for her to scribble her own greeting—this will make the notes even more touching for the recipients.
A three to five-year-old might want to draw a picture (possibly of the gift) that can be included with the note.
Many four and five-year-olds are learning how to write their names. Ask them to sign the card. They’ll be proud to do it, and Aunt Pearl will get to see how well her nephew can write.
6-10 year-olds

Get the six and seven year olds to work with you. You can have them dictate what they want you to write, or you can each write part of the note. (Seven year olds may be able to write themselves.)
Eight, nine and ten year olds can work on their own notes. You can act as editor—and teacher. This is a good opportunity to encourage them, impart a little wisdom and check spelling.
At any of these ages, always have them sign the note with their own “thank you,” regardless of how much of the note they write.
Don’t try to polish off too many notes in one sitting. When you sense your child is losing interest, it’s time to take a break. Plan several short sessions over the course of a week or two to get everything finished.
You may need to address the envelope, but let your child put the stamp on and put it in the mailbox.
11-14 Year-Olds

Now that your kids are reaching a more independent stage, give them a little more responsibility and freedom in the process. See what they do with it.

Bring them to the store and ask which cards they like.
Set aside time to write thank-you notes together. “Let’s get out all our stationery and we’ll both work on our thank-you notes after dinner.”
Discuss when you both think the notes should be sent out. Try and impart the idea that sooner is better than later.
Allow them to express themselves—instead of sticking to a scripted message.
Remember, though they’re getting older, the fun shouldn’t dry up. Try to keep things light-hearted with a little cocoa, cookies, and music.
15-18 year-olds

Encourage them to flex those creative muscles. Perhaps he can design custom thank-you notes with his name and a special design on the front and his hand-written personal note on the other side. If he has a digital camera, he may want to add pictures.
Check early on to see if she has all the materials she’ll need: notepaper, pen, envelope, the correct addresses and stamps. Allow her to tell you if she has all the right items.
If the kids feel like creating something unexpected or out of the ordinary—go with it. As long as it isn’t going to confuse or offend their grandparents.
A hand written thank-you note is the best choice. But if your son always “talks” to his Aunt Marie over e-mail, it’s OK to send thanks online.
Give positive reinforcement for a well-written (or well-received) note. “I talked to Uncle Matt today. He loved your thank you note!” This type of comment will remind them why they’re working to create these thank-you’s and how they affect people.