'Tacky' Thank-You notes

[puddleduck]

I don't know about you, but for me shopping for and wrapping presents is fun. So is going to a party. Addressing hundreds of envelopes is boring and in my case painful (I have carpol tunnel syndrom in my wrist). I'm a single mother, have a full time job, go to school full time, and volunteer in my community, and I have no problem taking that 30 secs out of my life and filling out an envelope to help someone else. Its not that their time is worth more than mine (or yours) but that I like doing something to help someone else. Even something as small as filling out an address. Besides at least I know its going to be filled out correctly and not get misdirected because someone who had been filling out hundreds of evelopes made a mistake when they were tired.

I agree with you. I only go to showers and weddings of people I am close to and I go because I enjoy spending such a happy time with them. It does not bother me to address an envelope nor do I worry about whether or not I get a thank you note. I didn't go for a thank you note, I went because I enjoy picking out presents and spending time with friends and family.

As far as addressing envelopes, around here a lot of shower invites are word of mouth through friends and family or the ladies group at church will automatically host a shower for an expecting mother or soon to be married couple. At the school I teach, we will give showers at school and just put a informal invite in everyone's box. In that case, invitations don't go out and the guest of honor may not have everyones address, so we just address our own envelopes and no one thinks anything of it. I will have to let everyone know just how tacky we have been.

 

[badblackpug]

Again, thank you cards are simply good manners. Whether the giver received a verbal aknowledgement of the gift or not. If someone thought enough of you to do something nice for you a formal acknowledgement is the least you can do. No one gives a gift or performs a kindness just to receive a thank you, but people do like to know that their efforts were aprreciated.
For the poster(s) that believes this is "a string attached" it makes me think that you have very little appreciation for the people in your life. Children should be taught from a very early age to show this appreciation.
You should treasure the friends, families, and loved ones in your life every day. A note of thanks once or twice a year should not be a burden, it should be pleasure!
Next time you think of these things as a burden remember that no one and nothing are owed to you or guaranteed to you in this world. You may wake up in the morning and find yourself "without," and you may well regret not having enough time to "waste" telling them how much they were appreciated.

 

[vhoffman]

here's another tacky thank you--a friend of mine works for a large corporation, in a fairly large department. She received an inivtation to a wedding, sent to her, with a stamp and everything! Many people from her department at work attended the wedding, along with all the expenses involved for gift, etc. Well, about a week after the wedding the bride's mother posted a thank you note on the bulletin board in the break room. Just one note for everyone--of course, those stamps if mailed individually would have set the poor bride back some! And to add insult to insult, the thank you note was posted in just one dept's break room, while people from three departments attended. Some people didn't even see the one-size-fits-all thank you note!

 

[Disneymaniacs]

Add me to the tacky thank you side. My kids are 5 and 3. The birthday invitation policy at their schools have been to invite the whole class or deliver the invitations yourself to just a few kids. I choose to invite everyone. This makes for parties of 20+ kids. Last year I bought the fill in the blank thank you notes and instead of having someone make a list of gifts and who they are from, I had my sister sit in the back of the room and just fill in the blanks- everyone makes a gift list so noone knew what she was doing- she was very subtle. My 5 year old signed them and we looked over them once more to see who gave what gift. This saved me alot of time and the thank yous were out on Monday. I did this for a friend in July too. Oh well I guess I will reconsider doing this again on my daughters birthday this Friday. I just don't have the time or patience that it would take to spell out every word so my 5 year old can handwrite 20 or 30 thank you cards. She would never finish! Just signing each one, stuffing it in an envelope, and decorating the envelope with stickers and a name took hours last time!

 

[Disneymaniacs]

I'm actually surprised that so many get offended over Thank You cards in one way or another. I don't go to many parties now, but when I still lived in the town I grew up in, it was a weekly event. Most everyone there had the same mindset. A couple just starting out, or expanding their family probably needs every dime they can get. Why pay to send out a card that's going straight in the trash? A heartfelt, verbal Thank You is more than enough & more financially feasible in most cases. I do remember one of my 1st cousins complaining about not receiving Thank You notes. No problem. People just quit inviting her & her attitude to anything. I suppose that made all involved happy. Personally, I've never given anyone a gift expecting or even wanting anything in return. The joy is in the giving, not in the response the gift receives. Oddly enough, I have filled out many Thank You cards for flowers or other sentiments involved in losing a loved one. Until I read this thread, I never thought about how insane that really is. That was the one time in my life that I struggled with feeling gratitude for anything. I suppose they think the financial situation is different at this time in your life. FWIW, I still wire flowers up there often for funerals. Most people don't even know our address. It never occurred to me that I should receive a Thank You card. I think having loved ones we can take for granted & get the same in return is the greatest gift of all.

Just as most things do in this country, this practice seems to vary by region. Noone is right or wrong, just different & we should all respect that.

I never knew you were supposed to send thank you notes after funerals. I am in an acward position right now because of this. My grandmother in law passed away last month. My mother in law and her sisters sent out thank you cards for flowers. My grandmother and out of town aunt sent donations to charity on the day of the funeral. I don't know if the charity has even sent a letter to the family yet about the donations. My grandmother wants me to ask my mother in law if she received anything from the charity and she wants me to ask what the cause of death is on the death certificate. And then there is my mother- she wants me to ask why she didn't get a note for sending a ham. Of course I am not going to bother my mother in law with either of these questions even though they keep bothering me with them.

 

[rt2dz]

Well, to those who think no thank you's is fine and for those who think helping to write a thank you note to yourself is also just fine, keep doing it. Obviously there are a lot of people who agree with you. Just know, there are also a lot of people who think you're a bit tacky. But, if you truly think it is perfectly acceptable, keep it up and stop caring what those who still exhibit old fashioned manners think. We aren't sitting around worrying about what you do or don't. We just think certain things are tacky.

I don't think anyone thinks a 5 year old should fully write a thank you note by her/himself. My 5yo tells me what to write & I write it. He then writes Thank You and signs his name. We break up the time it takes into a few different sessions, about 5 at at time 3 times a day until done (usually 2 days). We do it this way because it teaches him to write thank you's and how to write thank you's. I do help lead him along. That way as an adult, no one will ever think he is tacky--even if it is only 50% of the people out there.

Snowy76--Yes, we'll just have to agree to disagree. It's not like this keeps me up at night. And, yes, my little monkeys are doing just fine, for the most part. You would never guess DS#3 was a NICU baby at all. DS#2 gets better every year; still plenty of health issues, especially respiratory, but nothing that isn't managable. I received an invitation (two) in the mail yesterday for the NICU reunion at the hospital they were born at; actually caught me offguard. Hope all is well for yours.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Oh well, I guess different regions teach different "old fashioned manners" too. Part of learning manners for us was learning that "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

 

[Off2DisIGo]

Actually I read somewhere lately that this was proper, that if you receive a gift in person, open it and thank the giver then that a thank you note was nice but not required. I'm thinking that it was in Ann Landers (she consulted a Miss Manners type expert.)

That is correct. Even the old Emily Post books state that if you open a gift in the giver's presence (at a shower or whatever) and thank them in person, a thank you card is not necessary.

 

[rt2dz]

Oh well, I guess different regions teach different "old fashioned manners" too. Part of learning manners for us was learning that "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

Generally, yes. You don't walk up to some stranger with a rotten cut & say you look disgusting with that haircut, or anything at all for that matter. If a friend asks how you like an outfit that makes them look horrible, you tell them you prefer the other outfit. BUT, if someone says, I'm looking for information, is this tacky, you can answer Yes. And that is what this thread was started on.

 

[Mono~rail]

Generally, yes. You don't walk up to some stranger with a rotten cut & say you look disgusting with that haircut, or anything at all for that matter. If a friend asks how you like an outfit that makes them look horrible, you tell them you prefer the other outfit. BUT, if someone says, I'm looking for information, is this tacky, you can answer Yes. And that is what this thread was started on.

I read the OP making observations about what she thinks is tacky. Maybe I'm missing it, but I don't see where she was asking for information about tackiness.

inspired by the thread on kids and thank you notes

someone mentioned hating the pre-printed ones that kids fill in the blanks on.

i hate the little generic rolls of paper that have a plastic wedding ring on them and are handed out to everyone at the wedding.

but the tackiest i've ever received was one 3 YEARS after the wedding and timed such that it arrived the same day as the baby shower invitation (which the 'bride' was hosting for herself).

share-

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Oh well, I guess different regions teach different "old fashioned manners" too. Part of learning manners for us was learning that "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

I don't really agree with where you're going. I don't think that this was intended to mean that everyone should always agree with others and not criticize anything in the world. Of course, we should be nice - express our opinions in as kind a way as possible, but that doesn't mean that it's *not nice* to think something is wrong or tacky.

As I've said before, I don't really see anything wrong with the time savers like fill in the blanks or addressing envelopes. I do think it is inconsiderate to not send a thank you at all. If the giver saw you open the gift, and you (or the child) thanked them verbally or with a hug, etc. it's okay. However, if someone goes out of their way to send you a gift and you never send a thank you or even a heartfelt phone call, they'll never know you got it or appreciated it. At a wedding, the couple doesn't open envelopes in front of guests, and should definitely send thank you's considering how much wedding gifts often are.

It might take extra time to go to parties, send cards, send thank you's, wrap gifts, etc. but can you imagine life without them? I couldn't imagine not having a big family get together on special occasions! I wouldn't want to give up celebrating milestones and holidays.

Cards, notes and letters keep us in touch. Doesn't it feel great when you get a card out of the blue? A congrats on a new job, or a funny card when you've been feeling down?

If our society is reduced to exchanging store packaged gift cards in a plain envelope each holiday - then why even bother giving gifts? You're just exchanging funds then! It's the hunting, thinking, wondering, shopping, writing, creating, etc. that makes a gift special - not how much you spent. It's the thought that counts - the effort - the time.I handmake my wrapping paper and always make a quick sketch either on the card or wrapping of something the reminds me of the person- a private joke, or a particular thing they like- butterflies, football, licorice, etc. It's a way of showing you care.

That's why I think thank you notes are important - no matter how they look, who addressed the envelope or what color they are - because it's part of what makes the process special, and shows that the thought was appreciated. So many people feel undervalued and underappreciated in this world - and I think it's because people often put more effort into their career, their money, keeping up a certain image, etc. than in being content with what they have and remembering to take time out to show people that they're appreciated. I really wish that would change.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Generally, yes. You don't walk up to some stranger with a rotten cut & say you look disgusting with that haircut, or anything at all for that matter. If a friend asks how you like an outfit that makes them look horrible, you tell them you prefer the other outfit. BUT, if someone says, I'm looking for information, is this tacky, you can answer Yes. And that is what this thread was started on.

Well, to those who think no thank you's is fine and for those who think helping to write a thank you note to yourself is also just fine, keep doing it. Obviously there are a lot of people who agree with you. Just know, there are also a lot of people who think you're a bit tacky. But, if you truly think it is perfectly acceptable, keep it up and stop caring what those who still exhibit old fashioned manners think. We aren't sitting around worrying about what you do or don't. We just think certain things are tacky.

Sorry, but this post, especially the highlighted portion goes way beyond an answer of "yes". To insinuate that everyone who sees things differently doesn't possess "old fashioned manners" isn't very nice. We can't rewrite the rules to always make ourselves come out looking good. Why can't we accept that people have different customs & not automatically assume that our way is the only correct way? It's hard to imagine that an entire population of people in a particular area were raised with no manners. Having good manners often means being accepting of others customs, rather than being intent on telling them they're wrong even if we don't agree. BTW, sarcasm doesn't hide the intent of demeaning content & insults. It interprets the same.

 

[Tiffer]

Oh, forgot to add. Since when does a new mother's or bride's time matter more than my own? It took me longer to pick out the gift and deliver it. I had to find out where she was registered, put aside something to go to the store, go to the store, get the registry, look at the various items, decide on one, sit in line to purchase, spend my hard earned money, take the item home, spend the time to wrap it, and then finally put aside time to go to the party. She spends 30 seconds opening the gift and could spend another 30 seconds addressing an envelope. Oh wait, I took the time to do that too. And I have a job, I volunteer, I'm married too, and I have 5 kids. So explain to me, why is her time more valuable than my own?

If you don't want to put in the time...THEN DON'T GO! Giving a gift is supposed to be a SELFLESS act. Not with strings attached or expectations!

Of course a bride should send thank you notes, but if a 4 year old for a b-day gift doesn't....I could care less. Again, especially if my child were at the party and thanked in person. I bride generally doesn't open her gifts in front of her guests.

I also agree w/previous posters who got the TY note 3 years later..why bother and the one written in the check memo. Too weird. But I see so many attitudes w/people who are crazed about this topic. The what kind of TY notes or the general bi**h-ing about TY notes is so anal and awkward. Loosen up so you don't go postal. Seems like a few Bree VanDecamps out there!!!

 

[Meezers]

So...I am a single 43 yoa female with no children. Want to ask an opinion.

I get SO many invitations...to bridal showers.....baby showers....weddings....heck..one person even asked everyone to sign up for what covered dish to bring to a funeral! Then there is the ongoing problem of adults bringing in their children's fund raising stuff to work....

So....what do you think if next time I get a new kitten I have a party...and we are registered at PetSmart and for some Waterford (see my tag).

Really....I was thinking about doing this...but Riley is 11 months old now

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I don't really agree with where you're going. I don't think that this was intended to mean that everyone should always agree with others and not criticize anything in the world. Of course, we should be nice - express our opinions in as kind a way as possible, but that doesn't mean that it's *not nice* to think something is wrong or tacky.

As I've said before, I don't really see anything wrong with the time savers like fill in the blanks or addressing envelopes. I do think it is inconsiderate to not send a thank you at all. If the giver saw you open the gift, and you (or the child) thanked them verbally or with a hug, etc. it's okay. However, if someone goes out of their way to send you a gift and you never send a thank you or even a heartfelt phone call, they'll never know you got it or appreciated it. At a wedding, the couple doesn't open envelopes in front of guests, and should definitely send thank you's considering how much wedding gifts often are.

It might take extra time to go to parties, send cards, send thank you's, wrap gifts, etc. but can you imagine life without them? I couldn't imagine not having a big family get together on special occasions! I wouldn't want to give up celebrating milestones and holidays.

Cards, notes and letters keep us in touch. Doesn't it feel great when you get a card out of the blue? A congrats on a new job, or a funny card when you've been feeling down?

If our society is reduced to exchanging store packaged gift cards in a plain envelope each holiday - then why even bother giving gifts? You're just exchanging funds then! It's the hunting, thinking, wondering, shopping, writing, creating, etc. that makes a gift special - not how much you spent. It's the thought that counts - the effort - the time.I handmake my wrapping paper and always make a quick sketch either on the card or wrapping of something the reminds me of the person- a private joke, or a particular thing they like- butterflies, football, licorice, etc. It's a way of showing you care.

That's why I think thank you notes are important - no matter how they look, who addressed the envelope or what color they are - because it's part of what makes the process special, and shows that the thought was appreciated. So many people feel undervalued and underappreciated in this world - and I think it's because people often put more effort into their career, their money, keeping up a certain image, etc. than in being content with what they have and remembering to take time out to show people that they're appreciated. I really wish that would change.

1st complaining to 1,000s of people on a message board about your friend, relative, etc. who sends tacky cards or doesn't send them at all is not considered nice in my world.

I totally respect your feelings toward sending cards. I happen to think they're money wasted. If I don't receive one, I couldn't care less. I'm just wondering why one group has to be right & 1 has to be wrong. Personally, I don't think they do. Why can't we accept that one persons passion is another's afterthought (if that)? There's many things that are important to me that others don't agree with. Does that mean they must be wrong or they'd agree? Of course, not! There's a huge difference in manners & customs. I think we often confuse the 2. Talking with your mouth full, burping in public, dining with your elbows on the table, etc. , those are manners (or lack of). Things we picked up along the way because mom & dad did it that way, those are customs.

I'm missing the connection to gifts & family get togethers, but do agree that life wouldn't be the same w/o them. I live in a different state than the rest of my sisters. We communicate over the phone. It's nice to hear their voice. They see each other almost daily, so what could they possibly have left to say in a card? As far as gifts, I'm known as the queen of gift wrapping. People can't wait to see what I come up with next. I transport my masterpieces from FL to NC every holiday. On the subject of gifts, I actually have 2 BILs & 1 nephew who asks for money instead of gifts. My DH absolutely does not want money in return & likes getting a gift. However, it would be rude of us to not give them what they want just because money wasn't our idea of a proper gift. That's when you need to step back & ask, "Who's being rude here?" They get money. My DH gets a gift. Everyone's happy!!! This doesn't really have anything to do with my opinion on Thank You cards though.

 

[rt2dz]

I read the OP making observations about what she thinks is tacky. Maybe I'm missing it, but I don't see where she was asking for information about tackiness.

Ok, you're right. She didn't ask what was tacky or not. She asked what you have thought of as being tacky. This means perception. And people started stating what they thought was tacky (fill in the blanks, self-addressing). So you're right, literally. But in the spirit of the thread, I'm right. And I guess in that case, she didn't literally ask, just opened a conversation. If you are ruling out "the spirit", I guess all that "intent" defense goes out the window too.

 

[makinorlando]

We get thank you notes from most of the kid parties that my boys go to. One type of thank you note that we send out for kids parties is....I take a picture of all of the kids at the party. My boys write a thank you on the back of the picture. They are fun to look at years later....who was there, how little they looked, who their friends were etc

I did this as well. I took a picture of my DD with each individual child and then sent that along with the thank you.

We have neighbors who are from Germany, and when I told her I apologized for the lateness of the thank you note DD had delivered, she said she never even thought about it, as that was not the tradition in Germany!

In our family I think my DD and my 11 year old niece in Austin are the only two children who do thank yous. Never from any of my great nephews (or my niece and nephew - the parents!)

Last wedding I went to was my cousin's daughter. Never did get a thank you not from that one - they were divorced nine months later!

Good thing about living away from everyone... I don't get invited to all the baby and wedding showers!!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

So...I am a single 43 yoa female with no children. Want to ask an opinion.

I get SO many invitations...to bridal showers.....baby showers....weddings....heck..one person even asked everyone to sign up for what covered dish to bring to a funeral! Then there is the ongoing problem of adults bringing in their children's fund raising stuff to work....

So....what do you think if next time I get a new kitten I have a party...and we are registered at PetSmart and for some Waterford (see my tag).

Really....I was thinking about doing this...but Riley is 11 months old now

LOL!!!

I bride generally doesn't open her gifts in front of her guests.

Not that we disagree on this topic, but this is another good example on how customs differ. In my hometown & surrounding areas, very few gifts are brought to the wedding. Only those who didn't come to a shower bring a gift. The gifts that are brought to the wedding are usually opened in front of the guest. It's rare for that not to happen. This is yet another reason I say we should do things the way we feel is right, & not feel the need to assume those who don't agree with us must be wrong.

 

[rt2dz]

Sorry, but this post, especially the highlighted portion goes way beyond an answer of "yes". To insinuate that everyone who sees things differently doesn't possess "old fashioned manners" isn't very nice. We can't rewrite the rules to always make ourselves come out looking good. Why can't we accept that people have different customs & not automatically assume that our way is the only correct way? It's hard to imagine that an entire population of people in a particular area were raised with no manners. Having good manners often means being accepting of others customs, rather than being intent on telling them they're wrong even if we don't agree. BTW, sarcasm doesn't hide the intent of demeaning content & insults. It interprets the same.

No one ever said people who see things differently do not have manners. A lot of people said, traditional writing of thank you notes (the take in particular I have on writing thank you notes) is outdated. Therefore "old fashioned" not having manners or not.

I don't understand what "rewriting" of rules you are referring to. The evolution of what some people say as "no longer necessary"? I'm just confused here.

What I stated was obviously there was a difference. And quite frankly, even with my stance that quite a bit of it is, imho, tacky, obviously not all agree. I'm not sitting around thinking rotten things about people who feel this way. I never said anyone was "wrong". As a matter of fact, what I am saying, is don't worry about what others think if you think it isn't tacky and want to do it that way. Granted, I did say there were a lot of people out there who would think those actions are tacky; including possibly some of the friends & family of people on this thread who are doing that. Just know that. But if it doesn't bother you, who cares? Umm, isn't that acceptance of different customs and not assuming my way is the only right way?

I have NEVER said anyone is certain areas (I don't even believe this is a geographical thing) has no manners. Again, I know people in my area who think that cetain types of thank yous are just fine. Otherwise, I wouldn't have experienced them. I also know lots of people who do as I do. Obviously with the same outlook on manners.

I'm not out there telling people what to do or how to do it. I'm simply expressing my views, and am trying to explain them. With illustrations, not sarcasm. Sorry, but I am not passing out "insults" or have "demeaning content". If you are interperting it that way, I'm sorry. But that isn't the spirit behind it. It's simply a misinterpretation.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

1st complaining to 1,000s of people on a message board about your friend, relative, etc. who sends tacky cards or doesn't send them at all is not considered nice in my world.

I totally respect your feelings toward sending cards. I happen to think they're money wasted. If I don't receive one, I couldn't care less. I'm just wondering why one group has to be right & 1 has to be wrong. Personally, I don't think they do. Why can't we accept that one persons passion is another's afterthought (if that)? There's many things that are important to me that others don't agree with. Does that mean they must be wrong or they'd agree? Of course, not! There's a huge difference in manners & customs. I think we often confuse the 2. Talking with your mouth full, burping in public, dining with your elbows on the table, etc. , those are manners (or lack of). Things we picked up along the way because mom & dad did it that way, those are customs.

I'm missing the connection to gifts & family get togethers, but do agree that life wouldn't be the same w/o them. I live in a different state than the rest of my sisters. We communicate over the phone. It's nice to hear their voice. They see each other almost daily, so what could they possibly have left to say in a card? As far as gifts, I'm known as the queen of gift wrapping. People can't wait to see what I come up with next. I transport my masterpieces from FL to NC every holiday. On the subject of gifts, I actually have 2 BILs & 1 nephew who asks for money instead of gifts. My DH absolutely does not want money in return & likes getting a gift. However, it would be rude of us to not give them what they want just because money wasn't our idea of a proper gift. That's when you need to step back & ask, "Who's being rude here?" They get money. My DH gets a gift. Everyone's happy!!! This doesn't really have anything to do with my opinion on Thank You cards though.

I don't really think anyone here was complaining - they were just sharing what they would consider tacky - like the OP brought up. Nothing really nice or really not nice, if that makes sense.

The gift wrapping and family get togethers thing is OT from the OP but was brought up earlier. Some people said that writing ty's is a waste of time. Others said they were glad they didn't do a wedding or other big family get togethers, or that they hated getting presents. On that note, I was just thinking how sad it would be to have all that "time wasting" deleted from our lives.

Your point about manners vs. customs is really interesting. I would have to agree that they're different, but that observing/respecting others' customs is part of good manners. Some of the things you pointed out as bad manners - elbows on the table for example wouldn't be considered bad manners in certain places either - so I think manners and customs can never be two totally separate things. But you've brought up a really interesting correlation here.

As far as certain thank you trends that are tacky - I agree with you that there isn't necessarily a "right" or "wrong" - a lot is based on the circles in which that person travels. Generally if everyone around you does something - gives you a birthday card, treats others to lunch once a week, or sends ty's for bdays or chips in for gas money, etc. and you receive them, you're probably socially obligated to follow their customs by performing a similar gesture for others. If no one in your circle sends ty's, it probably won't offend them if you don't. I still think no thank you notes for a wedding is wrong though - because that is a nationwide custom that is very widely recognized.

You will have to share some of your wrapping ideas with me. I need some new ideas. One of my coolest was old Cosmo covers and a feathery barette as a bow for one of my friends. She loved it. (Totally OT)

I don't think giving money in and of itself is tacky. There are certain times where the giver needs/would appreciate cash the most and I totally agree with you there. I was just thinking what it would be like if we *only* and *always* did that to eliminate the "time waster" of shopping/gifting and how awkward and impersonal that would become - one step away from a bank transfer between two account numbers instead of a heartfelt gesture.

I agree with a lot of what you've said and I think the nutshell of it is when you mentioned about giving cash to your nephew, etc. but gifts for your DH. You're being considerate by thinking of the recipient. That's what it really comes down to - thinking about how your actions will affect others. I always get tons of cards for my bday - not because I'm so popular but because I'm a card-sender. Others know that they're important to me and so they follow suit. As long as we're trying to do the right thing by the people in our circles, that's what matters.