Sympathy Cards ettiquette--update?

[spima3]

Do people still enclose money in sympathy cards?

When my mom died about 10 years ago, my SIL's family all sent checks. It was a huge help as mom had very little life insurance. I did a quick google on this & read this is in bad taste, you should send flowers or food to the house instead. When my DH's grandfather died, there was so much food, they were giving as much away as possible, though some did end up in the garbage.

The mom of my son's friend died on Christmas Day. DS told me last night. She had had cancer. There are 2 other siblings, youngest is 13, & no father in the picture. The oldest 2 are in college.

I thought I would send a check as I think it would be of better use than flowers or food in their situation, but I certainly don't want to offend anyone or make it look like I think money will make such a loss better. I thought I would enclose it in an envelope in the card w/ a note stating it was sent in lieu of flowers.

It is just so sad these kids not only lost their only parent, but it happened on Christmas day.

Update: 2nd pg

 

[Poohforyou]

I don't think doing something out of the kindness of your heart is ever in bad taste.

I think a lot of etiquette rules are outdated and that's from someone who was taught to curtsey as a very young child.

 

[ronandannette]

Where I come from giving cash is not a standard thing but I have seen it done. If I was going to do it (and I did once when no charity was designated for memorial donations) I would put in a note that says something along the lines of "Please use this memorial donation in whatever way you feel would best honour Jane".

 

[Nancyg56]

I usually do what eve makes sense. I refuse to waste money on flowers if I know the family is in need of cash. I generally try to send food that is prepared and ready to eat if money is not an issue, and the family is one that tends to be home to eat. I really do nto cae what anyone says is in poor taste because I believe that any gesture done with good intentions is in good taste.

 

[Meriweather]

Do what you want.

I have never sent money in a sympathy card, nor have I ever received any.

 

[mjkacmom]

When my mom passed away, one person sent a check. I received many Mass cards, flowers, food, and $3000 was donated to a local organization in her name.

The funeral costs were close to $9000. In your case, I'd send a check.

 

[Nancyg56]

Do what you want.

I have never sent money in a sympathy card, nor have I ever received any.

I did when my first husband died. I was 23 and had 3 babies under 5. I did not know folks did that, but boy was their compassion appreciated! I have used that lesson in kindness and repaid it many times over when I thought the family would need financial assistance. If something God forbid, happened to my Husband now, I would not need that help, but circimstances back then were pretty dire for my little family. I think you do what makes sense to you at the time. A kindness in any form is welcomed.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

My cousin just lost her 18 year old. We all gave money.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have heard of it. In the situation you describe, I would send money.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

We have given/received money after deaths but usually only if the situation calls for it (family doesn't have the money to bury the family member, or the surviving members are going to be in financial hurt due to the loss of income).

In this case (2 young adults and a minor child with no surviving parent) I would say money would be very helpful and appreciated.

 

[Kellydelly]

I have only received money for a death one time, when my husband's Grandmother died my boss at the time gave me a sympathy card with a $40 check in it. I gave it to Grandpa to help him pay for the funeral luncheon. I sent a sympathy card with $50 in it to my friend when her 6 week old infant died. My husband lost his mom in an auto accident when he was 18, his sister was 15 (parents were divorced). He says that they received a lot of cards with money in them. I think money is never in poor taste when you know the family can use it for expenses, especially with an unexpected death.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

It's normal where I am from to give and receive money in sympathy cards. Usually only family and employers send flowers. Aunts, uncles, cousins all send money to use toward having masses said (a Catholic belief is that you only get from purgatory to heaven through prayer) and to defray the funeral cost.
Another thing I am used to, that many are not, is a repast that would rival any party. Usually extended family and friends come to the burial, then out to repast to a restaurant where the deceased is celebrated and toasted.

In this case, a monetary donation is very appropriate. Those kids may need all the help they can get at this time.

 

[mummabear]

I have never heard of money being included before but I agree that it would be more helpful to the family than flowers.
I think I would include a note with the money briefly explaining that you thought it would be of more help to them than flowers or too much food and you hope it doesn't make them feel uncomfortable or something to that effect

 

[mjkacmom]

It's normal where I am from to give and receive money in sympathy cards. Usually only family and employers send flowers. Aunts, uncles, cousins all send money to use toward having masses said (a Catholic belief is that you only get from purgatory to heaven through prayer) and to defray the funeral cost.
Another thing I am used to, that many are not, is a repast that would rival any party. Usually extended family and friends come to the burial, then out to repast to a restaurant where the deceased is celebrated and toasted.

In this case, a monetary donation is very appropriate. Those kids may need all the help they can get at this time.

Everyone here does a repast, full meal, usually open bar (we just did beer/wine since it was noon on a Monday - saved $20 a head).

 

[MrsDuck]

Given that situation, I'd send cash.

 

[Thing 1]

Its certainly not typical around here but I agree, I would enclose a kind note and a check. I did receive a gift card in a card when my mom died. The giver was a very good friend of mine and the wife of our pastor. Since he was totally tied up with the funeral and they have a special needs child, she could not be there but sent the card so my family could enjoy a relaxing meal out in the upcoming week. It was very appreciated.

 

[firecracker725]

Do people still enclose money in sympathy cards?

When my mom died about 10 years ago, my SIL's family all sent checks. It was a huge help as mom had very little life insurance. I did a quick google on this & read this is in bad taste, you should send flowers or food to the house instead. When my DH's grandfather died, there was so much food, they were giving as much away as possible, though some did end up in the garbage.

The mom of my son's friend died on Christmas Day. DS told me last night. She had had cancer. There are 2 other siblings, youngest is 13, & no father in the picture. The oldest 2 are in college.

I thought I would send a check as I think it would be of better use than flowers or food in their situation, but I certainly don't want to offend anyone or make it look like I think money will make such a loss better. I thought I would enclose it in an envelope in the card w/ a note stating it was sent in lieu of flowers.

It is just so sad these kids not only lost their only parent, but it happened on Christmas day.

I think in this situation that it would be perfectly fine to include money with a note saying to use it in any way they deem appropriate to honor the deceased.

 

[lynxstch]

I think in this situation that it would be perfectly fine to include money with a note saying to use it in any way they deem appropriate to honor the deceased.

This would be the perfect thing to do-- in my opinon!

 

[Southernmiss]

2 in college and a 13 year old? No question, I'd send $ with no strings attached. I would not suggest how it's used. Surely, they'll have expenses and as a mom I'd rather my kids pay the bills than 'memorialize' me.

As was told my mom by the neighbors who took up a collection when my dad died leaving behind 4 kids 16 and under, 'You can't eat money and food won't pay the bills'. I'll never forget the food we threw away and the kindness of that $600 collection from the neighbors. $ was much more needed.

 

[ols386]

If you think sending check/cash in the card is what is best, then do it.

So sad about the mother passing, especially for the 13 year old.