Sympathy Cards ettiquette--update?

[ronandannette]

Everyone here does a repast, full meal, usually open bar (we just did beer/wine since it was noon on a Monday - saved $20 a head).

Never see a full meal. Here it's the ubiquitous "Fellowship Lunch" after the service or burial; sandwiches, sweets, coffee. The funeral home I worked for had a special tea room and catering services available. Our church includes a complimentary fellowship lunch put on by the congregation at no charge to the families who hold funerals there.

2 in college and a 13 year old? No question, I'd send $ with no strings attached. I would not suggest how it's used. Surely, they'll have expenses and as a mom I'd rather my kids pay the bills than 'memorialize' me.

As was told my mom by the neighbors who took up a collection when my dad died leaving behind 4 kids 16 and under, 'You can't eat money and food won't pay the bills'. I'll never forget the food we threw away and the kindness of that $600 collection from the neighbors. $ was much more needed.

Of course. The suggestion about "honouring the deceased" is just a nice way to say "use the money however you want".

 

[Sabeking]

This is interesting that you brought this up. My mom passed a few weeks ago and someone had sent us cash in the card. We had asked friends to send donations to St. Jude's Children's hospital in lui of flowers. I just assumed the money was for the charity and sent it to them. No one else sent money directly to us but the charity notified us when someone made a donation. I will have to say I was blown away by the amount of people that did send donations in honor of mom's name. I'm really glad we picked that charity!

 

[ZachnElli]

It's still totally normal here to send or receive money in a sympathy card. My FIL died 3 years ago and I think every card had money in it. My cousin's wife died unexpectedly at 41 years this past May and I gave him $250 in gift cards to several restaurants (I'm many states away) for him and his 2 sons. She was found inside their home, so I thought he might need an excuse every once in a while to get out.

 

[Minnesota!]

Money in cards and full meals...either in restaurants or in a church basement or a relatives house..are all the norm here.

 

[aprilgail]

It's normal where I am from to give and receive money in sympathy cards. Usually only family and employers send flowers. Aunts, uncles, cousins all send money to use toward having masses said (a Catholic belief is that you only get from purgatory to heaven through prayer) and to defray the funeral cost.
Another thing I am used to, that many are not, is a repast that would rival any party. Usually extended family and friends come to the burial, then out to repast to a restaurant where the deceased is celebrated and toasted.

In this case, a monetary donation is very appropriate. Those kids may need all the help they can get at this time.

Same here- cash or checks in the cards and flowers from immediate family or people out of town that cant make it to wake. People also send food- so much food you can't possibly eat it all! The "after party" is usually out in a restaurant and is a full meal.

 

[cijay]

I don't think there's a simple answer because the situations are different. If they leave behind children who are still in school, I think a trust fund is a good idea. I like giving to charities that would suit the deceased (if they were a member of an organisation or something that interested them - my uncle loved trains and we have a railway museum here that we gave to).

We didn't get cash, we got cheques but those cheques were made out to various organisations.

 

[scrapquitler]

Do people still enclose money in sympathy cards?

When my mom died about 10 years ago, my SIL's family all sent checks. It was a huge help as mom had very little life insurance. I did a quick google on this & read this is in bad taste, you should send flowers or food to the house instead. When my DH's grandfather died, there was so much food, they were giving as much away as possible, though some did end up in the garbage.

The mom of my son's friend died on Christmas Day. DS told me last night. She had had cancer. There are 2 other siblings, youngest is 13, & no father in the picture. The oldest 2 are in college.

I thought I would send a check as I think it would be of better use than flowers or food in their situation, but I certainly don't want to offend anyone or make it look like I think money will make such a loss better. I thought I would enclose it in an envelope in the card w/ a note stating it was sent in lieu of flowers.

It is just so sad these kids not only lost their only parent, but it happened on Christmas day.

The DIS is the only place I've ever heard of putting money in a sympathy card.

Usually in cases such as the one you describe, there's a note in the obituary about a 'fund set up for the children's education' and in that case, I might send a check (usually it's directed toward a special account at a local bank). Other than that, the only time I would have considered sending a check would be in the case where the obituary noted 'donations to XXX charity in lieu of flowers'.

When each of my parents died, there was no money in any of the cards. There were some checks for charities, and there were a ton of mass cards, but not checks. That said, I don't think that anyone would complain that a check was inappropriate. There are always a boatload of expenses to deal with, even if there was plenty of insurance money to pay for everything. In your above situation, it sounds like a check/money would be much appreciated and helpful.

 

[pigletliz]

I've heard of money in cards and have often sent it, primarily for family, friends or just people that I know may need the cash for expenses. I don't usually send cash to business associates. If someone has specified a charity, I may do that.

 

[ksjayhawks]

It is common where I am from. Usually the money is donated in the deceased's name. Though occasionally it is used by the family to helpwith funeral expenses if needed.

 

[MIGrandma]

At funeral homes here they have a box right in the lobby that has a slot in the top, and memorial envelopes on the table right beside the box so it's quite normal for people to enclose money/checks with sympathy cards. We prefer to give money/a check rather than flowers most times. Flowers are nice, but they die and get thrown out. Money can help with funeral costs, put all together for a special memorial to the deceased, given to a charity the deceased specified, lots of ways the money can be used.

 

[Keli]

Absolutely appropriate to send money in a card to the family. There are so many expenses associated with a death in the family and any help by family and friends is a good thing.

 

[RedAngie]

When I was growing up, it was quite common for neighbors and more distant relatives to enclose cash in sympathy cards. Closer relatives would chip in, designate a leader, and have that person give the money to the funeral home to help cover expenses. People also donated money to the church for "Mass Cards" in honor of the deceased, or for enrollment in some kind of religious society.

But that tradition seemed to have ended over 30 years ago, at least in my circle.

I doubt giving cash would be considered tacky.

 

[Daisy62]

Never heard of putting money of any kind in a sympathy card except here on the Dis.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I've only heard of it here on the Dis, but I think it would be especially appropriate in this situation. Those poor children.

 

[bushdianee]

When my parents died, 10 & 3 years ago we received money from several people. We had stated in the obituary donations to certain charities that dealt with the causes of their deaths so we just donated the money to those charities.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Those poor children. I think the money would be appreciated.

When my mother passed away, and then my father, my coworkers gave me a card with cash. I also received cards with either mass cards (mass dedicated to my parents), and some with cash, and some with restaurant gift cards. I usually give restaurant cards to give the grieving family a night out where they don't have to worry about cooking. Recently, a friendly acquaintance of mine lost her younger brother in an accident where he was swimming in the surf. A family friend set up a gofundme acct because the parents weren't well off to help pay for the funeral, and I donated to that. I don't normally donate to gofundme accounts, but that family really needed it.

 

[elphaba91]

I have never heard of money being given to the deceased's family; I'm sure when my sister died we didn't receive any money from people (aside from my uncle who helped with expenses). After a friend's little boy's funeral there was a donation box, but I believe that was put out by the football club his father played for and I know things were particularly tough financially for that family (young couple, new baby and totally unexpected death of their 2 year old). It sounds like things would be as hard financially for the family you're talking about OP, so yes, if you can afford it, I would send them some money.

 

[ronandannette]

Those poor children. I think the money would be appreciated.

When my mother passed away, and then my father, my coworkers gave me a card with cash. I also received cards with either mass cards (mass dedicated to my parents), and some with cash, and some with restaurant gift cards. I usually give restaurant cards to give the grieving family a night out where they don't have to worry about cooking. Recently, a friendly acquaintance of mine lost her younger brother in an accident where he was swimming in the surf. A family friend set up a gofundme acct because the parents weren't well off to help pay for the funeral, and I donated to that. I don't normally donate to gofundme accounts, but that family really needed it.

I despise gofundme...a "concerned citizen" set one up for friends of ours this summer after they lost their little boy in a highly publicized drowning accident. The sentiment might have been nice but the family was mortified - they didn't want or need money from strangers nor did they appreciate the intrusion into their privacy. They did not accept the money (it was in the 5 digits) and I'm not sure what ended up happening to it.

 

[luvsJack]

This is a situation where I think the money would be most needed.

Here money is given by work places and churches where donations are asked for. These things helped immensely year before last in dh's family.

But I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with sending money when it can be used so much more than flowers. If the college kids will be caring for the 13 year old, I think I might send a few frozen casseroles too.

 

[bethy]

Money in cards and full meals...either in restaurants or in a church basement or a relatives house..are all the norm here.

This is the norm in my parents' hometown in Ohio, where we've attended numerous funerals over the years. And then on the West Coast where we live memorial services seem to be much more common and I've never seen money in cards. That said, in a situation like the OP described I would think that money would be absolutely appreciated and welcomed. More commonly here I see funds set up for the family but those make me a bit nervous, personally. I'd rather give the money directly to them unless I know the person who opens the fund.