Suicide in the elderly

maxaroni

DIS Veteran
Joined
Mar 17, 2005
My dad passed away 1/1/23, he had been sick for the last month or so. He was extremely independent, still driving & enjoying life. After my mom passed away in 2014, he moved to FL by himself, not knowing anyone. He had a single family semi custom home built and was doing well. He went on 2 35 day cruises after my mom passed away, as well as an Alaskan cruise. He was the primary caregiver to my mom, even doing her peritoneal dialysis. He was the first one to help anyone in his community, both in NJ and Fl.

However, when it came to himself, he did not want to be a burden to his family. I am the only child and he did not want me to go down and be with him when things occurred. Nothing was serious so didn’t force the issue. However, the last month he started falling a lot, had several UTIs over the last 6 months or so, but the last month took himself to the ER as he couldn’t pee. Nothing was ever diagnosed, other than UTIs. I spoke to the doctors, nurses, etc. His neighbors were checking on him several times per day and bringing him food. He couldn’t eat. He told me he hated having the neighbors care for him. He was told by the doctors he should have 24/7 nursing care. He refused to go to assisted living and didn’t want nursing care at home. I knew this and told him that I would honor his wishes, the best I could. Since he was doing so well, only really having issues the last month, I never thought he would go so soon. We were going to tackle this after the holidays and see what we could do. I had convinced him to have the medic alert system for falling, etc. His neighbors thought he was doing better, although, he had lost a lot of weight. They thought his spirits were better, he was laughing and joking around, even ate a little bit more.

After not being able to reach him, I contacted his neighbor and she said she took him coffee that morning and didn’t see him. Thought he was in the bathroom. Didn’t hear back so called the sheriffs department for a well check. Cops showed up at my door at home, New Year’s Day, that he had passed. We weren’t told anything else. We packed, got in the car and started driving to Florida as did my son and daughter in law. We were told to not enter the house as it was a potential crime scene as it was not natural causes. We thought he fell and hit his head. Did not find out until 1/3 (due to 1/2 being a holiday) that he committed suicide. It was his way to go, he went on his terms and therefore, not a burden to anyone and not needing to be placed in a home.

Has anyone dealt with this? We spent the last 3 weeks in FL taking care of things. We are not only devastated by the loss, but the manner of death.

Many people have brought up death with dignity.
 




I am so sorry this happened. No experience with this exactly but a family member was hoarding medication when the spouse had cancer & this was the concern.

About the UTI's and not peeing, if you look it up one of the more common symptoms of kidney failure is delirium so he may have not been in a reasonable state of mind when whatever happened, happened.
 
:hug: I don't think you're really looking for opinions or advice and now wouldn't be the time anyway. I'm SO glad you felt free to tell us, because one thing I do know is that these early days of shock and loss are very difficult to process. It often takes telling and re-telling the story many times to get it all out and that's 100% normal. Please accept deepest sympathy from all of us and come back to talk as much as you need. We'll be here. :flower3:
 
The only person that I know that even thought about that was me. I could be her dad. I hate, hate, hate being dependant on anybody. Just last week at nearly 75 I bought out my car lease, now it won't be paid for until just before my 80th birthday, but lately I really don't think I will live that long nor am I sure that I want too. I totally understand the man's mind set, but I don't think I would ever kill myself because I care to much about my children and how they might feel, but I do understand the feeling of helplessness and desperation so I also know that you never know how you are going to act about situations until they show up.
 
The only person that I know that even thought about that was me. I could be her dad. I hate, hate, hate being dependant on anybody. Just last week at nearly 75 I bought out my car lease, now it won't be paid for until just before my 80th birthday, but lately I really don't think I will live that long nor am I sure that I want too. I totally understand the man's mind set, but I don't think I would ever kill myself because I care to much about my children and how they might feel, but I do understand the feeling of helplessness and desperation so I also know that you never know how you are going to act about situations until they show up.

Please please please be careful with your words. I know you didn't mean it this way, but I am certain this person's father very much cared about his children and how they might feel and still arrived at the decision he did. His actions are not a reflection on how he felt about family members or friends or the depth of his love for those people but more so how he was feeling and what he may have been fearing for his future.
 
The only person that I know that even thought about that was me. I could be her dad. I hate, hate, hate being dependant on anybody. Just last week at nearly 75 I bought out my car lease, now it won't be paid for until just before my 80th birthday, but lately I really don't think I will live that long nor am I sure that I want too. I totally understand the man's mind set, but I don't think I would ever kill myself because I care to much about my children and how they might feel, but I do understand the feeling of helplessness and desperation so I also know that you never know how you are going to act about situations until they show up.
:hug:
 
I am so sorry for your loss, especially the manner in which he passed. Please know that it's not uncommon for older people to choose their time and manner of passing. My grandma didn't die by suicide, but I believe she knew what she was doing. She kept talking about how she was 83 and didn't need to be on this earth anymore. Then she finally decided to have a surgery she had been putting off for a decade, despite doctors telling her it might not be a great choice due to surgical risks at her age and physical condition. She ended up with complications and passed peacefully in the hospital after telling me that it was time and she was ready to go. It sounds like your dad was a lot like my grandma, living life on his terms and never wanting to burden anyone (while also being the first to help anyone who needed it). I know it's not much solace now, but I hope someday you will be able to come to peace with the fact that he died as he lived, on his terms. Please seek some grief counseling, it's an incredibly difficult thing to process. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
 
So very sorry for your loss. I agree with what a couple of others have said...that UTIs can lead to or increase confusion in the elderly, especially someone living alone. That may or may not have played a part.

My husband and I just lost his Mom in November and so far his Father (who is 91 and in good health) is doing well, but it's a big adjustment for him and all of us....and he lives just 35 minutes from us. He also mentions not wanting to be a burden on a regular basis. There's only so much reassuring or coercing anyone can do to try and help anyone in their lives. I'm very sorry for what you're going through and hope that you're able to remember your Dad for the life he lived and not the decision he made in how to depart.
 
The only person that I know that even thought about that was me. I could be her dad. I hate, hate, hate being dependant on anybody. Just last week at nearly 75 I bought out my car lease, now it won't be paid for until just before my 80th birthday, but lately I really don't think I will live that long nor am I sure that I want too. I totally understand the man's mind set, but I don't think I would ever kill myself because I care to much about my children and how they might feel, but I do understand the feeling of helplessness and desperation so I also know that you never know how you are going to act about situations until they show up.
I admire your honesty....hang tough. Wishing you peace. ☮️
 

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