Suicide and carpet question

[NHdisneylover]

I am really surprised about how many posts are just arguing about whether the OP should have posted this. The title made it clear it was about suicide and I jsut took it as the OP casually wondering why it might take so long to replace carpeting (not attackin her neighbors for it). I can see not really understanding what might be going on and wondering and yet knowing better than to ask the neighbors why. So, she posted here to get soem other perspectives from those of us who, unfortunately, have more experience than she does in this area. Like I said before, in a similar situation I doubt it ever crossed my aunt and uncle's minds to wonder what the neighbors were thinking about when things got done. They had much too much to deal with to care if the neighbors were curious or not. It wouldn't have hurt them if the neighbors were.

Anyway, another reason which I have not seen posted as to why someone might not move or might not remodel right away is economic reality. I know my aunt and uncle were a struggling working class family hit hard by the sudden and unexpected costs of the funerals. Even if they had wanted to move they very likely might not have been able to afford it (especially because it is hard to sell a home in which a murder or suicide took place--see the above poster for proof of that). Some of the remodeling they wanted to do in the kitchen after the father died there did not happen for 2-3 years because there just wasn't teh money to do it. We live in a very well off society now where we can hire people to clean and we can just replace the carpeting, but this is not always the case--and has really only been an option at all for I would guess the last hundred years or less.

OP--I hope your neighbors are doing okay. Maybe you can take over cookies because you saw they were having work done and that can make it hard to get baking done. No need to mention the suicide at all to them.

 

[C.Ann]

I discovered something called "trauma clean up" crews. They basically are just cleaning people who specialize in these kinds of situations. It is surely not a job for the weak, but the work they do can be very comforting to a grieving family. I imagine the police, EMTs, funeral directors know who to put families in this situation in touch with when it's needed. Maybe they did that.

My cousins son committed suicide (shot gun to the head) in his bedroom while the rest of the family was out to dinner.. They could not afford to move - even if they wanted to.. They used a service similar to what you have described above..

As far as the topic, I agree, since the thread title said something about suicide, those of you who have sensitivity to the topic for whatever reason should probably not have clicked on it..

I agree.. The title clearly reads "Suicide" - so if it's something that stirs up painful memories, I would assume those people would simply not open the thread and read it..

Unfortunately, suicide is something that happens - just like drunk driving accidents that kill innocent victims - horrific child abuse cases - equally horrific animal cruelty issues.. Much as we would prefer that these things not happen, they are a part of life and are often posted and discussed here on the DIS..

I skip over posts that I find offensive or troublesome.. Each person here has the same option available to them.. We all wish that life could be nothing but happy, happy times - however, that's not how it works..

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Your neighbour shot herself and you are worried (and noticing) about when they replace carpet?

IMHO this thread is in bad taste and meant to stir **** up. Otherwise you just could have said...could you live in a house where a loved one committed suicide.

I dont' see it as stirring anything up. Yeah..its a bit weird, and alot morbid, but its not a pot-stirring thread, it's an odd, sad thread. Like others have said.. you can see the title, dont' open it if it bothers you...

we are all curious about things we dont' know about... whether suicide, or our neighbors... its just how things are...

 

[Carly_Roach]

Just another reason to prefer animals to people.

 

[m&m's mom]

My husband did go over to the house a few days later and ask some extended family outside if he could mow their yard for them. I did not know the family so I would have thought it seem more of a "lookie-lou" kind of thing to go over to the house w/ food etc.
My DH is Pres of our HOA and we did send flowers as a neighborhood.
Thankfully the wifes family lives in our neighborhood and are all in the restaurant business.

I guess I should explain something else that might help explain the odd courisity I have.
2 summers ago a friend of mine killed her husband, 2 sleeping kids and then herself. It made national news for a while and we had helicopters all over the place covering it.
I cannot possibly describe the utter shock and disbelief we all went through. Even though every one says this, it was the most extreme unlikely person ever to do something like this. This was our friend that even looking back no one saw anything out of the ordinary. Other friends had been to lunch w/ her and the kids just hours before she did this and still noticed nothing.
There were several signs she had been planning to do this for a while and again-no one suspected a thing. She even wrote long hand drawn out instructions for the paramedics and police that she knew would find them. She taped a note right inside the front door to the paramedics to wear gloves when they came in since there was a lot of blood and they all had AIDS, which was not true- no sign period anything physical was wrong at all.
She was so methodical and then after she did all this planning and actions, she killed herself. The really sad part is she was the perfect hostess even in death.
I hate to say it but no suicide can shock me anymore.

 

[Disney-Kim]

deleted...too sensitive and upsetting for me

 

[Cool-Beans]

Just leads me to this question- would you stay in the house after your spouse killed themselves in it in an especially bloody way?

No. When DH dies, I plan to do my grieving on some tropical island and then relocate to Orlando.

Natural causes, accident, murder, suicide - I'm going somewhere warm. "'Till death do us part" means I get a warmer climate when he dies. He knows this and approves (in advance) the actions I plan to take after he's dead. And if the whole world wants to say rotten things about it, I just won't care.

As to whether or not I'd consider it my business if the neighbors didn't replace the carpet - nope, I sure wouldn't. And I doubly wouldn't if I weren't close enough to them to actually know what was going on in their house.

Chances are that the old carpet was removed long before the new carpet was installed, anyway.

 

[terri01p]

Just seeing the thread title still bothers me today. I received points 3 times last night still to my dismay. Yes, I know what the topic is about. It was the laughable approach from the OP that was upsetting to me. I actually went to bed crying about something that I really thought I had put behind me at this point in my life.

So, I guess until the title can be changed somehow, or maybe even the opening post & some of the following comments made to me with no reprimand can be deleted, I need to stay off the CB until the thread goes down a few pages.

I honestly thought I had moved past this. But I guess when it becomes an entertaining topic and people laugh at you for having upsetting feelings, then I clearly don't belong here. And the fact that I posted my history with the topic, explained to the mod, and still received points 3 times...... I'm just blown away by. My post about cleaning up after murder was deleted. ????

Compassion?

Enjoy your discussion.

The first time I ever got points was because I said to someone in a thread " pixie dust to you then", lol....that was the beginning....you will get over the points and survive.
This is a public form and you will naturally see thread topics that will disturb you, you have to learn when to read and when not to. Nothing I hate more than anything in the world is to wake up and pull up the dis and see a topic...animal cruality....it disturbs me more than I can ever tell you, but I don't focus on it and make myself not get sucked in and move onto something of a lighter nature.

 

[FireDancer]

Wow, I don't get all the upset feelings about this thread. Death is just one part of life, it happens to be the last part, but it is just a part. If you are so upset by suicide perhaps opening a thread with suicide in the title is a bad idea.

Unlike any other kind of death suicide is the one that the victim has total control over. All they had to do to not die was put down the pills/gun/knife/barbecue grill/<insert weapon of coice here>. I don't get it personally, I mean it seems like a bit of an over reaction to me but they happen and chastising the OP for merely asking a question seems like a bit of an over reaction also.

As I said in my previous post, I have dealt with probably 10,000 deaths of all sorts and they just are what they are.

 

[princess momma]

I don't have a problem with suicide as a topic of discussion.

I have a problem with the fact that this thread is about real people who probably would be very upset to know that intimate details of their life are being talked about on the internet. I completely understand the curiosity. I just think this crosses a line into busybody territory. It's not like this was just a post about what happened and how sad it is - it is a post about what happened and why the family handled it the way they did. It bothers me.

That's my opinion and I believe I'm entitled to it.

 

[wvjules]

I don't have a problem with suicide as a topic of discussion.

I have a problem with the fact that this thread is about real people who probably would be very upset to know that intimate details of their life are being talked about on the internet. I completely understand the curiosity. I just think this crosses a line into busybody territory. It's not like this was just a post about what happened and how sad it is - it is a post about what happened and why the family handled it the way they did. It bothers me.

That's my opinion and I believe I'm entitled to it.

Ummm, hello? Are you new here?
That's what half of the CB is.

 

[FireDancer]

I have a problem with the fact that this thread is about real people who probably would be very upset to know that intimate details of their life are being talked about on the internet.

The Internet would be pretty empty if people's intimate details were on it. Anything you do in life can end up on the Internet, live you life accordingly (or end it accordingly as this thread shows).

 

[DisneyBlonde]

I don't understand why they can't just not open the thread. If we eliminate all the threads that someone finds offensive or innapropriate, there wouldn't be much left to the forum.

 

[princess momma]

Ummm, hello? Are you new here?
That's what half of the CB is.

Ummm, you can clearly see my join date. Nice try at humor.

I don't find it particularly kind to air my neighbors dirty laundry in public, especially under these circumstances. I recently found out the lady that lives acrosss the street from me posts on this board. I can just imagine how I'd feel if I'd been discussing her here. That's just me, I have certain beliefs. I don't expect everyone to feel the way I do.

Discussion is still allowed here, right? Or am I wrong?

 

[C.Ann]

I don't understand why they can't just not open the thread. If we eliminate all the threads that someone finds offensive or innapropriate, there wouldn't be much left to the forum.

I agree.. And I'm not being insensitive - as I have had suicide in my own family..

But for those who think this thread is insensitive or should be removed, think about this - my DH passed away in 2005.. Does it pain me to see others talking about what their DH's got them for their birthday - or what a great trip they had to Disney - or even grumble about little things their DH's do that bug them? Of course it does.. So I make a choice - open the thread or not..

I have zero tolerance for drunk drivers.. I have lost so many members of my family to people who chose to drink and drive.. Again - when a thread comes up in that regard, it can be very painful - but I still have a choice - open it or not..

How about all the women here who have had miscarriages? Do people think it doesn't cause them great heartache to read about, "My baby did the cutest thing today" - or see the "baby due date tickers" under signatures?

It all boils down to making choices.. And I can tell you first hand that the hardest way to get past something devastating, traumatic, and/or heart breaking is to try to avoid the subject and attempt to "bury" it in your mind.. By doing so, you will never be able to deal with the emotions that are swirling around in your head and in your heart..

That's not to say that anyone can put a time frame on your feelings, but if you aren't ready to deal with them the best you can do is simply not open threads that you find troubling.. Trying to make them "go away" isn't going to work - because they're all a part of life and death - two subjects that will never go away on any message board - "family friendly" or otherwise..

To those who are hurt by this thread, I'm truly sorry and I hope that someday you will find yourself in a better place than you are right now..

 

[Sanchez]

No. When DH dies, I plan to do my grieving on some tropical island and then relocate to Orlando.

Natural causes, accident, murder, suicide - I'm going somewhere warm. "'Till death do us part" means I get a warmer climate when he dies. He knows this and approves (in advance) the actions I plan to take after he's dead. And if the whole world wants to say rotten things about it, I just won't care.

Ah yes, the "Bereavement Trip." Well planned. Of course, more life insurance makes easier grieving.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I agree.. And I'm not being insensitive - as I have had suicide in my own family..

But for those who think this thread is insensitive or should be removed, think about this - my DH passed away in 2005.. Does it pain me to see others talking about what their DH's got them for their birthday - or what a great trip they had to Disney - or even grumble about little things their DH's do that bug them? Of course it does.. So I make a choice - open the thread or not..

I have zero tolerance for drunk drivers.. I have lost so many members of my family to people who chose to drink and drive.. Again - when a thread comes up in that regard, it can be very painful - but I still have a choice - open it or not..

How about all the women here who have had miscarriages? Do people think it doesn't cause them great heartache to read about, "My baby did the cutest thing today" - or see the "baby due date tickers" under signatures?

It all boils down to making choices.. And I can tell you first hand that the hardest way to get past something devastating, traumatic, and/or heart breaking is to try to avoid the subject and attempt to "bury" it in your mind.. By doing so, you will never be able to deal with the emotions that are swirling around in your head and in your heart..

That's not to say that anyone can put a time frame on your feelings, but if you aren't ready to deal with them the best you can do is simply not open threads that you find troubling.. Trying to make them "go away" isn't going to work - because they're all a part of life and death - two subjects that will never go away on any message board - "family friendly" or otherwise..

To those who are hurt by this thread, I'm truly sorry and I hope that someday you will find yourself in a better place than you are right now..

well said..
and as someone else pointed out, that if we didn't post things that might offend or hurt someone, there wouldn't be as much as 5 pages on this board.

 

[Va-bear]

As far as the OP "worrying" about the carpet...I see it more as harmless speculation...she's asking a bunch of anonymous people on a message board...it's not like she walked up to the neighbor's front door and said "I think youpeople are absolutely gross for taking this long to change the carpet". I know I will sometimes see my neighbors doing something and wonder why they are doing what they are doing.

I think "morbid curiousity" is quite normal and natural - there's a reason that phrase was coined. Many of us watch and wonder about what our neighbors do, even when it isn't something that captures some sort of 'extra' attention (like being related to a death...) - I know I do.

We all wish that life could be nothing but happy, happy times - however, that's not how it works..

True, on both accounts - and how we deal with sad things can vary so widely - some of us like to talk about it, others dont. So, as you said, I skip the threads I dont want to think about.

...2 summers ago a friend of mine killed her husband, 2 sleeping kids and then herself.

I am very sorry to hear about this loss.

I think being curious about the neighbor is prefectly natural and, in light of your recent post, even more so. Many of us deal w/ sadness by wanting to talk/think/hear about it, or similar situations even more - it helps to 'make sense' of a senseless thing. Others may want to shut it out - neither is correct nor incorrect....just do what works.

 

[Freyja]

I don´t think this is a disturbing thread at all. The OP obviously was just wondering what other think they might do if faced with such a situation. I am pretty sure I would keep living in the home, but am also pretty sure I would remove any carpeting/stains as soon as possible.My mother died in her home very unexpectedly and we had dozens of people come to the house starting just hours after her death, while her body was still there.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I don´t think this is a disturbing thread at all. The OP obviously was just wondering what other think they might do if faced with such a situation. I am pretty sure I would keep living in the home, but am also pretty sure I would remove any carpeting/stains as soon as possible.My mother died in her home very unexpectedly and we had dozens of people come to the house starting just hours after her death, while her body was still there.

My mom died in the living room at my grandparents of cancer. It was expected and we were all there as well as family that came afterwards while her body was there. As soon as the funeral directors took her body away, I wanted that stupid hospital bed out of there. All I could think about was getting rid of it to the point where all I would say was "take the bed down, take the bed down." At first, my dad wasn't sure if he could figure out how to get it apart, but after seeing how distraught I was, he and my Grandpa managed to fold it up enough to take it to the garage before Hospice took it back.
In your neighbors situation, I don't know what I would do. A lady at my church's husband committed suicide in their bedroom. She still lives in the same house and has for over 20 years now. I think it was more of a what else could she do? She couldn't have just up and moved. You just go on because you have to.