Strange situtation :

[ABtwinmommy]

I think it's pretty clear that everyone thinks this is a very bad idea, but just for good measure I'll chime in too...Very bad idea!!!

That is a horrible lie to tell, and you just never know what may happen or how the child may find out the truth, and as pps have said = major trust issues; that is one deeply twisted elaborate lie.

She should tell the child the truth: that Daddy lives elsewhere and he does not wish to be a part of Mommy and child's life and that is because of his own problems, and it has nothing to do with child, is in no way child's fault. Mommy loves child very much, and so does Grandma/pa, Aunts/Uncles etc.

Sadly, lots of children grow up knowing their father is alive and wants nothing to do with them. Honesty is the best policy.

 

[wvjules]

I have a friend who's child has just turned 4. She had the child with a man that is not interested in being in the childs life at all, he has signed over all rights to the child to her. He hasn't looked for, or seen the child going on a year now.

The child is just now really beginning to ask for "daddy". The childs mother wants to make a new start for both of them. She has excepted a job in another far off state and plans on moving in May.

Before she moves she wants to tell the child that the "daddy" has died. With a make shift grieving period and much talk about how much "daddy" loved the child with made up stories etc. Even going as far as to spread ashes into "daddy's" favorite fishing hole.
Her mind set is that it's better for the child to think they were loved and wanted by their daddy than to go through life wondering where daddy is and why daddy doesn't care what's going on in their life.

As far as family goes her parents are all for it because they can see how affected the child will be not understanding why no birthday cards etc...
they feel the child is still to young to grasp the whole death process and will get over that and can move on feeling loved in life without looking back.

Knowing the "dad" I tend to beleive this might be a good thing to do. This is not going to be one man that ever looks for this child EVER. So why not make the child feel as they were loved to the end??
I would love to hear other opinions on this subject to pass along.

Sounds like a Lifetime Movie in the making. Incredibly bad idea.

 

[Hoodie]

And the hurt the child has when they find out they have been lied to, will be taken out on the one or one's who have lied to them for years. And seeing as mom's family supports the idea, they would be on the receiving end of the child's anger as well.

What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

I'd agree with this as well.

I can easily see the child "cutting off" mom and family after finding out the truth in 15-20 years.

not a good idea at all.

 

[badblackpug]

Obviously, I agree with the rest. I had a friend in this situation. She told her son from an early age. "You father has a lot of problems and because of his problems he can't take care of you and make sure you are safe. He loves you, but he knows he can't take care of you the right way.' She is honest when her son asks where his dad is. She says "I don't know." When he asks if he will ever come back or see him she tells him "I don't know."

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

Obviously, I agree with the rest. I had a friend in this situation. She told her son from an early age. "You father has a lot of problems and because of his problems he can't take care of you and make sure you are safe. He loves you, but he knows he can't take care of you the right way.' She is honest when her son asks where his dad is. She says "I don't know." When he asks if he will ever come back or see him she tells him "I don't know."

Awww that is so sad.

 

[disney_mommy]

Very bad decision. When the child finds out, and he will, it will be a disaster.

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

What a sad situation for the child. I cannot imagine the hurt that child must feel.

That having been said, there is absolutely no way that this will end well. It will cause your friend, but more importantly her daughter, who is the true innocent in all of this, much more heartache and true psychological harm in the future than it will save them in the short term.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

Anytime a parent isn't involved in a childs life it is truly sad. This was just an idea that she was tossing around and needed a sounding board for it. A bunch of us plan on having dinner tonight so I have already printed out the responses so far so she can read this and perhaps have a clearer view of things.
Things are always much clearer whenever there is no drinks included...LOL

 

[BeefJerky]

That's sick.

Seriously, the child is going to idealize this father who died when she needs to know the truth when she is old enough to understand.

 

[Ana~n~Joseph]

My dad passed away when I was 3 - when I became a teenager I became a lot more interested in finding more about him, etc (my mom didn't talk much about it). ... I have a feeling the same would go for her later on in life and who knows what she may be able to find then via the internet or whatever cool technology we will have in ten years.