Strange situtation :

[hambirg]

HIDEOUSLY wrong! I can't imagine a parent even thinking this was possibly okay!

As others have said, this is the kind of "secret" that most definitely will bite her in the behind in the future! The daughter WILL find out, and she will be devastated that her mother lied to her. AND, no doubt, she will be compelled to try and find her father.

The TRUTH, in simple terms, is what is needed here. Sure, it will upset the child now, but plenty of kids are raised by loving single-parent homes. As long as she knows she is secure with her mother, the child will be fine.

But seriously, what a WHACKED idea. It makes me question the mother's ability to truly provide a stable home for the child.

This!

What a really, REALLY BAAAAAD idea! Mom isn't thinking at all.

 

[2binak]

OP - this is WRONG on sooooooooo many levels. I suggest your friend have a chat with a therapist before creating this web of lies.

The dad may not go looking for the child, but there's nothing to stop the child from looking for the dad or his family. People get curious and want to know their roots. The truth will come out eventually and the only one who will be hurt will be this innocent child.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

HIDEOUSLY wrong! I can't imagine a parent even thinking this was possibly okay!

As others have said, this is the kind of "secret" that most definitely will bite her in the behind in the future! The daughter WILL find out, and she will be devastated that her mother lied to her. AND, no doubt, she will be compelled to try and find her father.

The TRUTH, in simple terms, is what is needed here. Sure, it will upset the child now, but plenty of kids are raised by loving single-parent homes. As long as she knows she is secure with her mother, the child will be fine.

But seriously, what a WHACKED idea. It makes me question the mother's ability to truly provide a stable home for the child.

Well personally I think her ability as a parent are as good as you can expect from a single parent trying to give love for 2. A very bad idea being tossed around doesn't make one a bad parent, or at least I would hope not.

 

[phorsenuf]

OP - this is WRONG on sooooooooo many levels. I suggest your friend have a chat with a therapist before creating this web of lies.

The dad may not go looking for the child, but there's nothing to stop the child from looking for the dad or his family. People get curious and want to know their roots. The truth will come out eventually and the only one who will be hurt will be this innocent child.

This!
I started researching my roots some time ago. My Great Grandfather died in 1917. There is NO record of his death anywhere. Nobody in the family knows where or how he died.
Weird thing is though I can find someone who matches him to a T that lived in CA shortly after my GGF death. Hmmmmm.....
I can't help but wonder if he just didn't up and leave his family and instead of saying she was abandoned she told the children he died. (they were all very young at the time)

The point is there are so many ways this girl can find out the mom lied and the harm that could be done by that would be incredible.

 

[ccgirl]

I think this is a very BAD idea! Is "dad" dead? NO! Don't teach children it is okay to lie. I agree with others, she could learn to have trust issues once she finds out (and she will find out someday) that mom and grandparents lied. I firmly believe in telling my children the truth. I tell it at a level the child can understand.

"Unfortunately, not all mommies and daddies live together. Your daddy is not available to see you." Leave it at that.

I also disagree that a 4 year old does not understand the concept of death. But, that's a whole 'nother thread.

 

[Disney Doll]

A bad idea all around for all of the reasons stated by PPs.

A simple "Your dad and I don't want to be together and we decided it is best for you to live with me" should suffice for now.

The above statement is, in fact, the truth.

There's no need to bring who loves who, who doesn't love who etc. into the discussion. The child is 4, not 44 and does not need exposure to the "nuances" of adult relationships at this point. She is asking about Daddy because she is probably being exposed to other children who have daddies and is wondering where hers is.

I always remember my Child Psychology professor saying "Just answer their question. If they ask you the time, don't tell them how to build a clock".

As the child gets older, more information can be imparted in an age-appropriate manner. She's not the 1st kid without a daddy and she won't be the last.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

This!
I started researching my roots some time ago. My Great Grandfather died in 1917. There is NO record of his death anywhere. Nobody in the family knows where or how he died.
Weird thing is though I can find someone who matches him to a T that lived in CA shortly after my GGF death. Hmmmmm.....
I can't help but wonder if he just didn't up and leave his family and instead of saying she was abandoned she told the children he died. (they were all very young at the time)

The point is there are so many ways this girl can find out the mom lied and the harm that could be done by that would be incredible.

Oh my goodness. That is so interesting.

 

[Katy Belle]

Honesty is the best policy. Someone, somewhere, someday might say something to the child. Knowing that everyone lied to her will be devastating l

 

[Hannathy]

Terrible terrible idea.

What happens when the child gets older and asks if Dad died why aren't we getting Soc Security benefits?

What happens when they get into High School and they find out there are scholarships for children of deceased parents?


She can't lie then? and then the child is going to be a very angry teen who now knows they can't trust their mother. any guess how that will go over?

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

Terrible terrible idea.

What happens when the child gets older and asks if Dad died why aren't we getting Soc Security benefits?

What happens when they get into High School and they find out there are scholarships for children of deceased parents?


She can't lie then? and then the child is going to be a very angry teen who now knows they can't trust their mother. any guess how that will go over?

Good valid points.

 

[DISshopkeeper]

Oh my goodness. I hope this decision is not a done deal..... So so wrong.

 

[gifchick]

Yikes this is a bad idea as the other have said.

My kids were 3 and 5 when there dad passed away and the amount of questions I had to answer were amazing. They had many questions about death, and it was alot for them to understand at a young age.

Ask your friend how she will handle the questions, it looks like an easy way but I fear it won't be.....

My kids are now 5 and 7 and they still want to go to the graveyard, and they want to light candles ect for the memory of there dad, I just hope your friend has a plan for those kinda things.....

 

[ChrizJen]

Yeah, this is bad with bad mixed in, topped with more bad.

Sure, it may give the child a bit of closure now, but it's bound for nothing but disaster when she one day finds out that it was a lie and her father was alive the whole time.
That's not to say that she has to tell the child that her father is a deadbeat who wants nothing to do with her. A simple, "Your daddy has issues he needs to deal with, and he's not able to take care of you", would suffice. Kids understand WAY more than we give them credit for.

 

[jen0610]

OP - this is WRONG on sooooooooo many levels. I suggest your friend have a chat with a therapist before creating this web of lies.

The dad may not go looking for the child, but there's nothing to stop the child from looking for the dad or his family. People get curious and want to know their roots. The truth will come out eventually and the only one who will be hurt will be this innocent child.

And the hurt the child has when they find out they have been lied to, will be taken out on the one or one's who have lied to them for years. And seeing as mom's family supports the idea, they would be on the receiving end of the child's anger as well.

What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

 

[punkin]

Wow! a unanimous opinion thread on the Dis. This is a banner day!

...I agree too. bad idea.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

Oh my goodness. I hope this decision is not a done deal..... So so wrong.

No this is not a done deal in the least, it was something she was talking about over a few drinks and dinner last night.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

Wow! a unanimous opinion thread on the Dis. This is a banner day!

...I agree too. bad idea.

Hahaha my co-worker and I was just laughing about that...mark this day in history!!

 

[happytexasmom]

I would not lie to the child

She has to able to trust her mom, if she lies to her she will feel betrayed if she ever finds out

I just wouldnt cross that line

 

[Mrs.Toad]

HIDEOUSLY wrong! I can't imagine a parent even thinking this was possibly okay!

As others have said, this is the kind of "secret" that most definitely will bite her in the behind in the future! The daughter WILL find out, and she will be devastated that her mother lied to her. AND, no doubt, she will be compelled to try and find her father.

The TRUTH, in simple terms, is what is needed here. Sure, it will upset the child now, but plenty of kids are raised by loving single-parent homes. As long as she knows she is secure with her mother, the child will be fine.

But seriously, what a WHACKED idea. It makes me question the mother's ability to truly provide a stable home for the child.

These are my thoughts exactly, except the very last sentence. I think the mother is wrong, but well-meaning. It reminds me a lot of the "old days" of adoption. Adoptive families were told it's best if the child doesn't know. Perfectly wonderful, well-meaning parents thought they were doing the right thing by lying to their kids, keeping their adoptions secret and pretending they were the child's biological parents.

But many adoptees found out and many were devastated that their parents lied to them. Now, we realize how messed up that was and experts recommend that kids grow up always knowing. Even if the truth is hurtful, it's their truth and they have a right to know it.

Give the child a simple explanation now. As he gets older, he can get more details.

 

[Gigi22]

Yes, and what happens when DD grows up and wants to find out about her late father's medical history? What will her mom do then--say he didn't have one? Make one up?