Strange situtation :

[Judy Judy Judy]

I have a friend who's child has just turned 4. She had the child with a man that is not interested in being in the childs life at all, he has signed over all rights to the child to her. He hasn't looked for, or seen the child going on a year now.

The child is just now really beginning to ask for "daddy". The childs mother wants to make a new start for both of them. She has excepted a job in another far off state and plans on moving in May.

Before she moves she wants to tell the child that the "daddy" has died. With a make shift grieving period and much talk about how much "daddy" loved the child with made up stories etc. Even going as far as to spread ashes into "daddy's" favorite fishing hole.
Her mind set is that it's better for the child to think they were loved and wanted by their daddy than to go through life wondering where daddy is and why daddy doesn't care what's going on in their life.

As far as family goes her parents are all for it because they can see how affected the child will be not understanding why no birthday cards etc...
they feel the child is still to young to grasp the whole death process and will get over that and can move on feeling loved in life without looking back.

Knowing the "dad" I tend to beleive this might be a good thing to do. This is not going to be one man that ever looks for this child EVER. So why not make the child feel as they were loved to the end??
I would love to hear other opinions on this subject to pass along.

 

[shirleyb]

I wouldn't do it. It has the potential for disaster somewhere down the road written all over it.

 

[phorsenuf]

I have a friend who's child has just turned 4. She had the child with a man that is not interested in being in the childs life at all, he has signed over all rights to the child to her. He hasn't looked for, or seen the child going on a year now.

The child is just now really beginning to ask for "daddy". The childs mother wants to make a new start for both of them. She has excepted a job in another far off state and plans on moving in May.

Before she moves she wants to tell the child that the "daddy" has died. With a make shift grieving period and much talk about how much "daddy" loved the child with made up stories etc. Even going as far as to spread ashes into "daddy's" favorite fishing hole.
Her mind set is that it's better for the child to think they were loved and wanted by their daddy than to go through life wondering where daddy is and why daddy doesn't care what's going on in their life.

As far as family goes her parents are all for it because they can see how affected the child will be not understanding why no birthday cards etc...
they feel the child is still to young to grasp the whole death process and will get over that and can move on feeling loved in life without looking back.

Knowing the "dad" I tend to beleive this might be a good thing to do. This is not going to be one man that ever looks for this child EVER. So why not make the child feel as they were loved to the end??
I would love to hear other opinions on this subject to pass along.

I think that's a bad idea. One never knows what may happen down the line. Just because right now there is NO WAY EVER this man won't ever look for his child, doesn't mean 20 years from now he won't. People change over the course of time.
The mom should be honest and let her know that daddy lives somewhere else and leads a separate life. No need to explain more, just keep it simple.

 

[ols386]

I wouldn't tell the child that her father died. Maybe there is something else she can tell the child for now since she's at a young age, but I wouldn't lie.

I think that might very well come back not only to bite the mother in the rear, but would also be very hurtful for the child if they ever find out that mom lied to them about something like that.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

That's horrible! Someone shouldn't lie to a child and say his or her father is dead when he isn't. You come up with another explanation. "Daddy doesn't live with us." "Your Daddy has moved away." "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other, and we decided that you should stay with me." Make it simple as possible, but don't LIE!

 

[indimom]

I wouldn't do it. I think it would be better to just tell the child that their father was not ready to be a "dad" and leave it at that. Kids adjust.

But to find out it was all a lie after this huge stage production could be devastating. And it could be a real trust issue later on.

 

[scrapquitler]

I
Before she moves she wants to tell the child that the "daddy" has died. With a make shift grieving period and much talk about how much "daddy" loved the child with made up stories etc. Even going as far as to spread ashes into "daddy's" favorite fishing hole.
Her mind set is that it's better for the child to think they were loved and wanted by their daddy than to go through life wondering where daddy is and why daddy doesn't care what's going on in their life.

This seems like a very very bad idea to me. If the child finds out that Mom (and everyone else) lied like this, she will have trust issues as a result.

 

[Uncle Remus]

That's horrible! Someone shouldn't lie to a child and say his or her father is dead when he isn't. You come up with another explanation. "Daddy doesn't live with us." "Your Daddy has moved away." "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other, and we decided that you should stay with me." Make it simple as possible, but don't LIE!

Absolutely!!

 

[Goofyluver]

Someday, the kid will have questions. Someday, the child will find out what really happened.

And rather than being angry with the father, the child, who the mother was so desperately trying to protect, will be angry at her.

Bad move.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have a friend who's child has just turned 4. She had the child with a man that is not interested in being in the childs life at all, he has signed over all rights to the child to her. He hasn't looked for, or seen the child going on a year now.

The child is just now really beginning to ask for "daddy". The childs mother wants to make a new start for both of them. She has excepted a job in another far off state and plans on moving in May.

Before she moves she wants to tell the child that the "daddy" has died. With a make shift grieving period and much talk about how much "daddy" loved the child with made up stories etc. Even going as far as to spread ashes into "daddy's" favorite fishing hole.
Her mind set is that it's better for the child to think they were loved and wanted by their daddy than to go through life wondering where daddy is and why daddy doesn't care what's going on in their life.

As far as family goes her parents are all for it because they can see how affected the child will be not understanding why no birthday cards etc...
they feel the child is still to young to grasp the whole death process and will get over that and can move on feeling loved in life without looking back.

Knowing the "dad" I tend to beleive this might be a good thing to do. This is not going to be one man that ever looks for this child EVER. So why not make the child feel as they were loved to the end??
I would love to hear other opinions on this subject to pass along.

That is TERRIBLE!!! Mom should be honest with her dd.

 

[jrmasm]

No way should she even think about doing that.

 

[my3sonsagn]

I agree - it's a really bad idea. Even if the "donor" never tries to find the child, there's a decent chance that someone who knows the situation (and it appears quite a few people do) will let something slip someday. Plus, what happens if/when the child asks to see where her dad is buried, asks about relatives on her father's side, gets interested in genealogy or something? This has "future disaster" written all over it, imo.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

This seems like a very very bad idea to me. If the child finds out that Mom (and everyone else) lied like this, she will have trust issues as a result.

This is such a good point and I beleive that this is such a valid point.

 

[rie'smom]

Terrible idea- these people don't live in a vacuum. Even if the dad never wants anything to do with the child, he might have family who would contact her. It would come out eventually somehow.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

I agree - it's a really bad idea. Even if the "donor" never tries to find the child, there's a decent chance that someone who knows the situation (and it appears quite a few people do) will let something slip someday. Plus, what happens if/when the child asks to see where her dad is buried, asks about relatives on her father's side, gets interested in genealogy or something? This has "future disaster" written all over it, imo.

Aint't this the truth, it's amazing what conversation a few drinks will bring up. LOL

 

[marmalade]

I also think it's a bad idea. No one knows what the future holds, and what they dad of mom may or may not do as time passes.

My BIL had a DD at a young age and the mother was with another man. He signed over his rights so this other man could adopt the DD. Fast forward 12yrs and the mother leaves this other man and decides to go after BIL for back child support. BIL by law even though signing away his rights had to pay 12yrs of back child support. Now BIL and his DD now 18 have a great relationship, but you never know which way life will take you.

It's best to be honest with our children, not matter how much it may hurt.

 

[woodkins]

BAD idea. People change and down the road dad could come looking for them, which sets up a whole situation between the mother and child. Also, the child will know the name of the father. In the age of the internet, not too difficult to realize that this person is not dead, but in fact alive. When the child is 12 or 15 and decides to do a google search to see if there is any history on their dad and instead finds a work newsletter, church bulletin, newspaper article,or facebook page where there dad is alive and well there is a whole can of worms that will have been opened.

Honest and to the point with age appropriate info is the way to go. Mom & Dad aren't married and we decided that it is best for us not to be together. We have decided that for now it is best that you live with me.

 

[RadioNate]

Horrible idea.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

BAD idea. People change and down the road dad could come looking for them, which sets up a whole situation between the mother and child. Also, the child will know the name of the father. In the age of the internet, not too difficult to realize that this person is not dead, but in fact alive. When the child is 12 or 15 and decides to do a google search to see if there is any history on their dad and instead finds a work newsletter, church bulletin, newspaper article,or facebook page where there dad is alive and well there is a whole can of worms that will have been opened.

Honest and to the point with age appropriate info is the way to go. Mom & Dad aren't married and we decided that it is best for us not to be together. We have decided that for now it is best that you live with me.

So true nothing is secret with the internet and God only knows what tech stuff will be in the future. lol

 

[HeatherH]

HIDEOUSLY wrong! I can't imagine a parent even thinking this was possibly okay!

As others have said, this is the kind of "secret" that most definitely will bite her in the behind in the future! The daughter WILL find out, and she will be devastated that her mother lied to her. AND, no doubt, she will be compelled to try and find her father.

The TRUTH, in simple terms, is what is needed here. Sure, it will upset the child now, but plenty of kids are raised by loving single-parent homes. As long as she knows she is secure with her mother, the child will be fine.

But seriously, what a WHACKED idea. It makes me question the mother's ability to truly provide a stable home for the child.