Sticky situation with dd

[Nancyg56]

What a tough position to be in.
Years ago my DH nephew moved in with us. Home was bad and he needed to come but there were rules, not the least of which was that he could not use Mom when it was convenient and us when he felt his odds would be better. His mother did feel we undermined her but in reality she was glad to have him out of the house. It was very difficult because we had much stricter rules in place than she did and we expected a lot more from him than she did. We also did not let him get permission from her when he needed her signature. He needed to go to us first, call her after we agreed. We also did not let him do things we knew she would not have been comfortable with, although there were very few things she did not allow. He just needed to know that we were in no way trying to undermine her parenting.

I think that the situation you have is much different, there does not seem to be neglect. As a GP I think I would do as Mystery Machine suggested, provide the support that you can in order to make it possible for her to stay at home. She does not need to like it and when she is 18 if Mom follows through on her threat to toss her out all bets are off but until then home may be better for her in the long run. If DGD knows that you are supporting her and she has a place to escape then home may be easier and her relationship with her mother will not be ruined completely. I also think that there is no way that you can let her think that it is normal to be sassy with her parents. It may be but it is never acceptable and you should be very clear that you are not going be okay with that. Good luck

 

[tigercat]

I have tried to never come between my dd and her dd. My dd called me to say that things had been bad and that dgrdd was probably on her way to my house. At least it is a safe place to be. My goal would be to get a better understanding between the 2 of them. I listen to both sides (my dd did call me right away and let me know her side) and try not to specifically take anyone's side. I would like it if they both got along but I do know it isn't always easy with a teenager. I know my dgrdd does have her moments and she is not without fault. I tried talking with my dd today but she didn't want to talk about it. I figured if I allowed her to talk and my dgrdd to talk that might actually be what the two of them need.
tigercat

 

[johnsontrio]

Thank God you are there to be the voice of reason in all this crazy mess... I don't understand parents who think 18 and out. Where are these children supposed to go? Other than the military, there aren't many options.

I know if I were treating my DD as you describe, my mother would be very vocal in my reality check of what my high school years were like.

 

[edandcolleen1995]

I think you need to bow out of this.

There is really no way to say this without it coming out a tad rough. For that I am sorry.

But you gave history about how "bad" your own daugher was growing up. She drank, did drugs and had sex (and got pregnant).

You need to look into the mirror and see if there was anything you could have done to be a better parent while raising her. If you were not so great at raising your own daughter, what makes you think you would be better at raising your granddaughter?

Listen, your DD is an adult. It appears she is doing as good of a job, if not better, then you did raising her. Perhaps step back and let your adult daughter and her husband raise their own child.

Again, I know the message is rough. I am not great at taking off the rough edges and wish I could come up with a better way of saying that I said.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I think you need to bow out of this.

There is really no way to say this without it coming out a tad rough. For that I am sorry.

But you gave history about how "bad" your own daugher was growing up. She drank, did drugs and had sex (and got pregnant).

You need to look into the mirror and see if there was anything you could have done to be a better parent while raising her. If you were not so great at raising your own daughter, what makes you think you would be better at raising your granddaughter?

Listen, your DD is an adult. It appears she is doing as good of a job, if not better, then you did raising her. Perhaps step back and let your adult daughter and her husband raise their own child.

Again, I know the message is rough. I am not great at taking off the rough edges and wish I could come up with a better way of saying that I said.

I don't really agree with this...I think a lot of people learn from their mistakes and I also think that some kids are just not going to listen to anyone. Her daughter may well have been one of those.
On the other hand, I think OP should offer her granddaughter as much emotional support as possible (because it sounds like she doesn't necessarily get it from her parents) but do whatever she can do to help reunite the nuclear family.

 

[Nancyg56]

i don't really agree with this...i think a lot of people learn from their mistakes and i also think that some kids are just not going to listen to anyone. Her daughter may well have been one of those.
On the other hand, i think op should offer her granddaughter as much emotional support as possible (because it sounds like she doesn't necessarily get it from her parents) but do whatever she can do to help reunite the nuclear family.

ita.

 

[MAKmom]

I think you need to bow out of this.

There is really no way to say this without it coming out a tad rough. For that I am sorry.

But you gave history about how "bad" your own daugher was growing up. She drank, did drugs and had sex (and got pregnant).

You need to look into the mirror and see if there was anything you could have done to be a better parent while raising her. If you were not so great at raising your own daughter, what makes you think you would be better at raising your granddaughter?

Listen, your DD is an adult. It appears she is doing as good of a job, if not better, then you did raising her. Perhaps step back and let your adult daughter and her husband raise their own child.

Again, I know the message is rough. I am not great at taking off the rough edges and wish I could come up with a better way of saying that I said.

I do not agree with this post. You can be a very good parent & still have a kid who drinks & has sex. It is not always the parents fault.

I would let her chill at your house for awhile. See what happens. Everyone loves the baby until they turn into a teenager

 

[edandcolleen1995]

I do not agree with this post. You can be a very good parent & still have a kid who drinks & has sex. It is not always the parents fault.

I would let her chill at your house for awhile. See what happens. Everyone loves the baby until they turn into a teenager

Fair points to my post and I thank (edit spelling) you all.

However, I do think that the op's DD can handle this. She is hearing only one side of the story from the granddaughter. She is not living with her, and can not know all the facts. The DD is an adult, married and has another child. It is THEIR job, not the OP's to raise her.

Her daugher is clearly doing a solid job of raising her own daughter. The OP might not like the bootcamp approach to parenting, but that is not her business to "fix". The granddaughter is not having the lousy childhood her mother had, and that is something to be proud of.

 

[minkydog]

You can be a very good parent & still have a kid who drinks & has sex. It is not always the parents fault.

I would let her chill at your house for awhile. See what happens. Everyone loves the baby until they turn into a teenager

I agree with both your statements. The hardest thing about parenting, IMO, is when kids begin to develop their own ideas about how their lives should be lived. Some kids go along with the parents party line; some turn their backs on everything their parents stand for. You can't judge a parent for the choices of their teen. Girls (and boys) can be particularly unlovely at 15yo.

Lord, knows we're living proof of that. We have been loving, communicative parents who provided our kids with music, reading, and good education. Despite growing up in a good Christian home my DS went wild during his teen years, turning his back on everything. One of his main ways to "get the parents" was by refusing to participate in High School. He liked the bad boy image and he got a lot of attention for it. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING we did had any impact on his behavior. To his credit he never got involved with the law and he managed to control himself reasonably at home(after we nearly put him in foster care, that is.) The good news is somewhere around the age of 19 he had an epiphany, with his Dad's help("Behave, respect, no legal infractions, or you can hit the road") and has turned completely around. He tells me he loves me, that he's sorry for the way he treated me, and he helps me around the house.

 

[tigercat]

I actually have 3 kids. Only this one dd went wild. We raised the 3 the same way. The other 2 couldn't understand what their ds was doing at the time and even now don't understand her. The other 2 are fine with me. The dd has a inventive teenage year that not only do the other 2 just shake their heads at but their friends as well. My other sil worked with this dd at one point and he and friends that also were around had to keep telling the rest of the staff the truth. That sil was in the picture since she was 13 and watched her through out her teenage years. I have had a lot of interaction with my dgrdd but do understand that living with her is different than the time she spends here although she was babysat by me until about a year ago, then she was only here for several hours after school. I have heard my dd's side as well last night. The two versions were pretty well right on. Little bits on both sides were different but mostly the emotional part. My dd is okay with her here right now. She knows that she is safe. It is a cooling off period for everyone and my dd is fine with that. I am not trying to overstep my bounds I would like to help all of them. I love them all and want the best for them. At this point (and I will monitor it very carefully) my dd is fine with what I am doing. It gets my dgrdd out of the home and lets my dd and my sil to calm down. They know thats what they need right now.
tigercat