Okay, you cannot do this on your own, and the fact that you are in this relationship is proof.
You are NOT smarter than the therapist. You looked for excuses not to go because it is hard work.
I do not always share my past here. I have been married 25 years next June. I was with my husband 12 years before we married, but not always in a relationship. Neither one of us had good tools for a strong healthy marriage, so after we married, and all the kids (mine from a previous marriage, but his in his heart) graduated from school, we were in trouble. If you googled Marriage from hell our picture popped up. A lot of the issues you talk about I could parrot. Not hte nasty controlling stuff, but Buddy was involved in a lot of organizations, went out a lot and had a bazillion friends. Not me. I was home raising three little kids, and even though I thought I was busy, I really was become ingrained isolated. Buddy was a huge personality, not me. So one day, I went to a counselor. I thought he would say "oh you poor thing....dump that jerk and move one" which is kind of wha ta good Catholic girl wants to hear if she is lookign for a way out. Well.....no. He said to drag him in, and after one session, which I figure the poor man needed drugs to get over, he said he could not help us as a couple. WHAT????? He did say that before we could build a good strong marriage, we need to build ourselves. So we did. And it sucked a lot. It was hard, it was horrific, and it was rewarding. We had homework. IN the beginning he had to help me with the most simple task...doing something for myself. I had no idea how to go about that, I had completely lost myself. I dont knwo Buddy's homework, we never pried what the other was working on. I did the unthinkable, and moved back myself and my 4 cats (thats when Buddy and I bothknew this was really serious, the kitties came with me) to my Mom's, and we started to date after a while.
Kathryn, Buddy and I are Catholic. We are not poster children for Practicing Catholics, but we do keep a lot of the sacraments, and marriage for us was forever. Had we divorced, we never could have remarried. So we tried at first for the wrong reasons, but after therapy, both individual and then marraige, we are one heck of a strong couple. Because we are strong individuals. You see, the very traits that Buddy admired in me as an individual he was threatened by as a husband. And the qualities and personality experience had that I was so attracted to when we met really threatened myself confidence later on. WE both needed to learn about how to be healthy individuals on our own before we could even be a healthy marriage.
So, if you were my daughter, I would beg you to go to a therapist. Invest in yourself. Stop thinking you are smarter than the therapist, you are not. You are lazy and afraid. Dump the new guy, he is a placeholder, and you know it. Learn what my husband and I learned, how to be strong and confident on your own as an individual. Until then you will never be a part of a strong commited couple, you will never be in a relationship that is healthy.
I am not even going to try to tell you that we go through life seeing eye to eye on all things, but we do go through life trusting one another, placing the other' needs and wants above our own, and knowing that no matter what happens, we are in it together, I never worry that any other woman will take my husbands eye, he is committed to me. He never thinks I would stray, my heart is his. This is finally the relationship we both wanted, but that never woudl have blossomed if we were not willing to put the effort into therapy.
So much this.
It is not easy to share some deeply private moments in a relationship, but I know that others have done this in order to help. I would not say that every relationship can or should be saved, and when we started counseling, I doubt either one of us even wanted to save ours. Once we managed to figure out how to be strong independent individuals on our own we began to remember what we loved and liked in each other. I think our counselor knew that before we did because throughout the entire process we continued to have each other's back, and did not tolerate anyone taking sides in our relationship. WE never even noticed the significance of our behavior at the time.I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience, and say I'm so happy that you found a way to work things out. Your story really shows how hard work and determination can save a relationship, though it sadly seems to be falling on deaf ears here...
I highly doubt that you're smarter or better than the therapist.OK... In regards to the no therapy stuff yet. I kind of thought if I could gather all the information, I could figure this stuff out myself. Honestly, when I did do therapy I thought it was a joke. Probably it was extreme arrogance on my part, but I thought I was smarter than the therapist. It was just all about goal setting, and putting timelines on stuff I wanted to do. I did feel more motivated to actually get that stuff done because I did not want to go back the next time and say "I didn't do my homework" kind of thing. That was about dealing with the bad marriage.
So, in the final analysis, where does that leave you?
Your boss and coworkers, all mandated reporters who know the signs, stage an intervention because you sound suicidal. But you know more than all of them and two therapists.
Your dad, who knows you and your patterns, has seen the flaws in past relationships, and has seen flaws in this one. But you know more than dad.
You yourself see numerous flaws in this relationship and in your behavior, but choose to ignore them in favor of a relationship that can be Facebook Official
In a Disboards first, 13 pages of strangers are all in agreement that this relationship has numerous important flags. Not a single person has stepped up to say that this sounds like a healthy adult relationship. Yet you ignore even those comments with which you agree.
I'm not sure why you continue to post. You're going to do what you're going to do-- post again on Facebook that you're so very happy, while biting your lip and ignoring all those flags, sublimating all that you are in favor of being able to post on Facebook that you're happy.
I feel so very sorry for you Kathryn. You seem bent on maintaining yet another destructive relationship, and nothing anyone can say will deter you. You're like an alcoholic who needs to hit rock bottom before they'll accept that their behavior is self destructive. I sincerely hope for your sake, that "rock bottom"-- when you do hit it-- is something from which you can recover. At a minimum, please safeguard your finances, so that when rock bottom hits it doesn't leave you destitute.
Best wishes and, again, my sincere sympathies.
I did not say I was smarter than the therapist, I said I THOUGHT I was smarter than the therapist. Perhaps choosing one from the health department that was free wasn't the best choice.
I totally realize something is wrong here. It is like the same thing over and over. I felt this way when I had a BF in high school, only then I did not keep those feelings to myself. I would confront him, and it led to huge fights. So what did I do about it? After breaking up and getting back together a few times... we got married. That didn't last long. Sadly I see this in my BF's teenage daughter. She fights w/her BF about not paying enough attention to her. He would rather go do things with his friends and just kind of be with her when it is convenient. My BF is like, "can you talk to her about this"? I don't really say much to her besides "honey I'm so sorry, and that's terrible", I mostly just listen. I don't know why people THINK I am able to give relationship advice, but they do. I seriously have people asking ME about how to deal with relationships![]()
Pictures in my cubicle means I have A LOT of pictures of us in my cubicle at work. I know a lot of people have like a picture of them and a spouse, child or a family pic... but yea I went way overboard with it and have like a bunch of pictures of us... and a few of my cat. Yes, I have one friend that he really does not like. She does not like him either.
So in other words the lousy therapist had you practicing socializing, setting goals and monitoring them, and forming positive social give and take connections that you enjoyed.
Boy, she sure does sound terrible. I guess you (who thought you were smarter) would have preferred the feelings we mostly get from our annual Gyno appointments. That way you could continue to sit around wallowing in the self-pity muck and collecting pity partners.
Word of advice. I don't know where you are with your other addictions like the alcohol you keep throwing out there likely tasty little bait morsels, but you do seem really addicted to getting the DIS to respond to these types of threads where EVERYBODY chants over and over that something is seriously wrong here and you deny and deflect and refuse to listen or act.
In regards to the therapist... I don't think it did a lot of good at addressing what really goes on inside my head. It DID keep me motivated to do things to better my situation. We never got into the "how's and why's" of how I felt. It was more about taking steps to make the situation itself better. I really like her, and I gave her a glowing review when I was done (because I liked her, and I wanted her to feel successful and have good evaluations) I didn't mean to sound negative towards her. She was very new to doing the job, only a couple months into it really, and ended up leaving the position shortly after I was done. After it was all settled, I called the place give her an update, and they said she was no longer working there. I found her of Facebook, and sent a message and that's how we ended up FB friends and keep in touch that way.
The alcohol thing is not a tasty bait morsel. That whole thing can be summed up quickly. I USED to drink way more than I should. When I was w/my ex, it was just what I did. Every night, drink a few glasses of wine fall asleep... get up and go about my day, do it all over the next night. It as more of a habit than an addiction. I rarely drink anymore, and when I do it is only a small amount. Alcohol is NOT an issue. I no longer really have any desire to go back to that old lifestyle, it was just not good.
I would assume that they loved each other at some point yes. Granted I have never met her... However, I have seen some of her work. She sends hateful texts, I have listened to her screaming rants she leaves on his voicemail. She really is a ranting raving lunatic sometimes. She and their oldest daughter (who is now living with him) go back and forth with the fighting... and yes this is how the two of them keep getting into it. She plays this card with her daughter (yes I have read the texts myself), about how you are such a spoiled brat, you are a lying piece of blah blah... then later "I love you so much, why do you treat me this way, why wont you come back to live with me"? It has gotten to the point where she (his ex, to their daughter) was like "you are dead to me".... but eventually went back to the, "I love you don't ignore me".
Then he steps in, then they go at it with each other... it is exhausting. This has been going on the entire time I have known him.
I have seen 2 different therapists. The first one was like a one time thing because work MADE me go. After I had already put in my notice that I would not be returning the next school year, I made some comments and jokes that some people took the wrong way. In retrospect giving all my school stuff away like shirts and jackets, making jokes about I bequeath my markers and supplies to other teachers... yea I suppose those are some red flags. I swear I was not planning on killing myself, it was really just my sense of humor. The principal got wind of this, and got the guidance counselor and a couple other teachers to sit down at a "meeting" with me and was like you ARE going to a therapist. They had already called some behavioral center and made me make an appointment and go. So I did what they told me to do. I guess the therapist was competent... I was diagnosed with depression. I pretty much told the therapist I needed a good lawyer more than therapy.
The other therapist (a few months later) was one I found at a local health department. I went in there trying to get my ex signed up into some therapy and ended up in therapy myself. My ex refused to go there, but I was like oh why not, people say I need therapy and insurance will pay for it here at the local health dept. This therapist seriously did whip out a manual the first time I was there. When I said "I was smarter than the therapist" in this case I really was not joking too much. This was a health dept. therapist who didn't even have a degree in psychology... it was a Masters in social work. I kid you not, after referring to the manual I was diagnosed with something like anxiety and situational depression. As I mentioned, the therapy was more about goal setting and seeing if I had done the things I needed to do. We became more friends than anything else. We would just chitchat and oftentimes I would turn it around and would be like "so how are YOU doing"? and I would offer advice and insight about things going on in her life. I continued going for so long because it was nice to have somebody to talk to about stuff. My ex kept me pretty isolated so
Maybe somebody who knew what they were doing would be more helpful.
I have held my responses until now as I know how hard it is to date in middle age. It's my own situation right now and it's confusing and frustrating, but it's also been fun. To get on to what I have to say, and I mean this as kindly as I can; you clearly seem to have some type of personality disorder. You need to find a seasoned professional and get a real diagnosis so you can get appropriate help. The fact that your peers and the management at the school you worked so strongly felt that there was something wrong with you mentally speaks absolute volumes.I have seen 2 different therapists. The first one was like a one time thing because work MADE me go. After I had already put in my notice that I would not be returning the next school year, I made some comments and jokes that some people took the wrong way. In retrospect giving all my school stuff away like shirts and jackets, making jokes about I bequeath my markers and supplies to other teachers... yea I suppose those are some red flags. I swear I was not planning on killing myself, it was really just my sense of humor. The principal got wind of this, and got the guidance counselor and a couple other teachers to sit down at a "meeting" with me and was like you ARE going to a therapist. They had already called some behavioral center and made me make an appointment and go. So I did what they told me to do. I guess the therapist was competent... I was diagnosed with depression. I pretty much told the therapist I needed a good lawyer more than therapy.
The other therapist (a few months later) was one I found at a local health department. I went in there trying to get my ex signed up into some therapy and ended up in therapy myself. My ex refused to go there, but I was like oh why not, people say I need therapy and insurance will pay for it here at the local health dept. This therapist seriously did whip out a manual the first time I was there. When I said "I was smarter than the therapist" in this case I really was not joking too much. This was a health dept. therapist who didn't even have a degree in psychology... it was a Masters in social work. I kid you not, after referring to the manual I was diagnosed with something like anxiety and situational depression. As I mentioned, the therapy was more about goal setting and seeing if I had done the things I needed to do. We became more friends than anything else. We would just chitchat and oftentimes I would turn it around and would be like "so how are YOU doing"? and I would offer advice and insight about things going on in her life. I continued going for so long because it was nice to have somebody to talk to about stuff. My ex kept me pretty isolated so
Maybe somebody who knew what they were doing would be more helpful.
In regards to the therapist... I don't think it did a lot of good at addressing what really goes on inside my head. It DID keep me motivated to do things to better my situation. We never got into the "how's and why's" of how I felt. It was more about taking steps to make the situation itself better. I really like her, and I gave her a glowing review when I was done (because I liked her, and I wanted her to feel successful and have good evaluations) I didn't mean to sound negative towards her. She was very new to doing the job, only a couple months into it really, and ended up leaving the position shortly after I was done. After it was all settled, I called the place give her an update, and they said she was no longer working there. I found her of Facebook, and sent a message and that's how we ended up FB friends and keep in touch that way.
The alcohol thing is not a tasty bait morsel. That whole thing can be summed up quickly. I USED to drink way more than I should. When I was w/my ex, it was just what I did. Every night, drink a few glasses of wine fall asleep... get up and go about my day, do it all over the next night. It as more of a habit than an addiction. I rarely drink anymore, and when I do it is only a small amount. Alcohol is NOT an issue. I no longer really have any desire to go back to that old lifestyle, it was just not good.