Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[Marchand63]

In regards to "checking his phone"... I meant that in a looking while he is using it capacity. He thought I was either too blind to see that the app was there, or too stupid to know what it was. He would try to swipe past the screen it was on really fast when I was next to him. Now that he has deleted it, he will hand me the phone and let me use it or whatever. I almost said something to him about it, but before I had a chance he went on some rant about how accusatory and jealous his ex wife was. He was like saying how much he hated how she accused him of having an affair when he wasn't and all that kind of stuff. So I just didn't say anything to him about it. I was hoping that he was just using the app to chat and maybe just boost his ego or just for amusement. I was VERY VERY glad to see it gone from his phone believe me.

I did do the therapy thing, I am not sure how much good it did considering my therapist is no longer a therapist. I don't think I was a cause for the career change, hopefully not. My therapist seems to have gone to work for a university. Maybe it is inappropriate to be Facebook friends with your therapist, but that's how I found out about the change.

You do know you can hide apps? Tinder is not a dating site. it is a one & done site. I would be getting tested for STDs.

He never really said exactly why he got divorced... just a lot of stuff about how his ex-wife was and still is a jealous psycho. He said she was always accusing him of stuff, and well yea. When I start feeling jealous, I think to myself, I do not want to remind him of his ex.

Smoke meet fire!!!


This is way too much drama for a 6 month relationship. Heck been married for 8 years(2nd time) and haven't had this much going on.

ITA therapy - lots & lots of therapy.

 

[sk!mom]

So, some of you might remember I was like totally freaking out about a "new" relationship a while back. We are now like 6 months into this. I did take time to talk to the rest of my family that has met him, and they all liked him. My dad has not said anything else about disliking him... he has offered no further opinions. We had a gathering in which his family met mine. His mom told my dad what a wonderful daughter he had. I heard that with my own ears. It makes me feel good to know that my BF's mom really does seem to like me.

I guess we are "semi-engaged" or "pre-engaged" (if such terms exist) now? He brought up the subject of marriage, and I was like yes absolutely I want to get married (in the future). There was no ring, and there was no formal proposal, no date set, (well maybe a year set)...just a conversation. It feels really weird to tell you the truth. I am not quite sure how to define what we are now.

It seems as if I have exactly what I was wanting... and now I am scared. I kind of wonder if this is all for real. Maybe since I have been divorced twice, I am wondering if it is wise to get married a 3rd time. I am worried about our finances and all those boring issues that makes a household run. I wonder if I REALLY know him well enough to jump into this again. I am terrified really. Dating is easy and fun (if you don't get yourself too worked up about it), but when you marry somebody OMG things might change. I feel as if things are growing into something really wonderful or it is going to crash and burn and I am going to get hurt.

Some of those bad habits that I complained about before, he has toned it down. I really don't like how much he still bickers with his ex-wife, but at least it has gotten better. I know I said before how he makes me feel good about myself (which that still applies), but I really DO adore him. It is not all about how I feel. If he hurts, I hurt, if he is stressed, I am stressed too. I DO love him. I still have some issues to work through I know. This jealousy thing still bothers me. I catch myself getting angry over silly things usually because of jealousy. 6 months in, and we have never had a fight... there have been several times when I could have said something and it would have started a big one. I just have this voice inside my head that tells me to shut up and not act like a witch. It always seems that if I keep my mouth shut and just let things go, the next day I realize that it I was wrong and I am glad I didn't say anything. Maybe communication is overrated. Sometimes silence is golden.

Anyway... for anybody who was wondering about how that whole thing is going, there is your 6 month update

Given that you have two divorces and seem to be really overthinking this still, I think that you need to seek some counseling. Work on yourself to feel good about yourself, and ready for a relationship.

While DH and I rarely argue, we don't hold back on feelings or opinions. It is possible to express yourself without being a "witch."

 

[SirDuff]

I've solved the mystery! The OP is the alias of Laura Bubble

Okay, not really, but I ust saw this article in the paper today about a You Tube blogger "punking" Tinder dates by showing up in a wedding dress (and being otherwise needy). Not sure how this raised awareness for cancer (the stated purpose), but maybe she's donating the vlog money. The line about making it "Facebook official" made me laugh.

https://www.thestar.com/life/relati...-tinder-dates-by-wearing-a-wedding-dress.html

In the secret camera stunt, raising awareness for the British branch of Stand Up to Cancer, Bubble meets up with several unsuspecting Tinder dates while decked out in a floor-length white gown with a veil, and a bouquet in hand.

....

“I should add you on Facebook, and then we can make it, like, official,” Bubble says to one unsettled young man. He laughs nervously. Taps his hand on the table. “What do you mean, ‘Make it official?’” he replies.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't want to pile on you OP but it is really sad to read your posts. You need counseling, you do not have a healthy view of yourself or relationships.

 

[sk!mom]

I did not really think it would move this quickly. He is the one who brought up the marriage issue, not me. It is like I pushed away one boyfriend many years ago with the marriage talk, I don't want to make that mistake again. I was happy being an established couple, like Facebook official and all. I like spending every possible minute I can with him, and would like to spend even more. I would love to wear a ring and be legit engaged. The conversation was more about this happening in 2017, not immediately.

The details scare me though. There are so many issues to consider when two people get married. There is family stuff, pet stuff, career stuff, financial stuff. It is astounding what all would need to be considered. I've messed this up twice before, I don't want to make another mistake. However, I don't want to let what may quite possibly be the love of my life get away from me just because I am afraid to mess up again.

This will sound mean so I'm sorry in advance. Here goes- How old are you? Your posts read very young.

After two divorces, I think you should just enjoy a relationship that seems to be going well. I would recommend counseling, again, to help you find happiness in your self so that maybe you can lose the desperation.

 

[Turn the Page]

Yes he has two children, one lives with him the other lives with his EX. They seem to love me. We get along very well and they think I am super cool. It seems like it took the younger one a while to warm up to me, but now things seem very good.



In regards to what my father doesn't like, he says that my BF doesn't look him in the eye when he talks to him, and he seems arrogant. He is the only family member that doesn't seem to like him.

What bothers me about my BF the most is, sometimes I feel as if he isn't paying enough attention to me. (I don't know if this is me being unreasonable, or if this is a real problem). I also do not like how he cannot seem to stop bickering with his ex wife. It's over, just stop this already. (they fight about the kids all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean like all the darn time). I feel awkward when we are supposed to be together and he is sending hateful texts back and forth with his ex. It is like I am right HERE, freakin' pay attention to me.

He seems to have gotten rid of the Tinder app, so I can say that's improvement (assuming it is really gone, which I really believe it is). He has also stopped talking about past girlfriends so much thankfully.

I get very frustrated and angry sometimes, but I never say anything. It seems to me that I can build up a lot of anger, and then he will say something or do something sweet and I just instantly forgive it. I know that is not his fault. It is my fault for being so needy. I sometimes feel as if this all might be a huge mistake, but I keep digging myself in deeper every day. Other times I feel so incredibly happy with him that it is unbelievable.

It is no secret that I really really want to be in a relationship. I do not know why with my weird sense of values that feel as if there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, but the thought of being this old and nobody loving you just makes me very sad. I know THAT is entirely not his fault, that is my own weird perception of the world. I just fear others would judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

Run. Right now. Run in the opposite direction. Your posts indicate that you really don't have a realistic view of a normal, healthy relationship with a single, completely unattached man. You have absolutely no clue how to navigate the treacherous waters of blending a family which is what you are looking to do. Before you can hope to have a stable home life with this man he and his ex are going to have to be on the same page and since they bicker all the time as you say, they are not even close to being on the same page. That means he is going to be putting you on the back burner to deal with his ex and make her happy. You are already very needy and this will not end well.

You need to cut your losses and find a professional to help you work through your issues and then try and find a normal, healthy relationship. This one absolutely will not work. The kids will only make this harder.

 

[mom2rtk]

I might have missed it, but how old are the kids?

 

[morgan98]

He never really said exactly why he got divorced... just a lot of stuff about how his ex-wife was and still is a jealous psycho. He said she was always accusing him of stuff, and well yea. When I start feeling jealous, I think to myself, I do not want to remind him of his ex.

I really need to stop posting but...

How can you not know why he got divorced? And you have never asked? This seems to me something that two adults considering a committed relationship (however, crazy that may be) should definitely discuss to get an understanding of where they came from, so to speak.

Let me help you connect the dots...it is very possible he did cheat on his ex-wife. Hence why she was accusatory and jealous. You said he has had other girlfriends between his marriage and you. One of those women could very likely be the person he cheated with. Really, you need some counseling and you need to really pay attention to what is going on around you. You are not ready to marry this man.

 

[cabanafrau]

Maybe his ex wife also had an issue with finding Tinder on his phone.

Ya think?

 

[cabanafrau]

He never really said exactly why he got divorced... just a lot of stuff about how his ex-wife was and still is a jealous psycho. He said she was always accusing him of stuff, and well yea. When I start feeling jealous, I think to myself, I do not want to remind him of his ex.

He's clearly of the notion that a great defense is a good offense.

The platitude you should be considering is when there's smoke . . .

 

[cabanafrau]

I will admit that I have been acting kind of childish and silly these past few months. I guess I have worked very hard at "showing off" on social media, getting approval from friends, family, former students etc... I guess I we have become that obnoxious couple on there that many people find annoying with all this lovey stuff back and forth for everybody to see. My friends, I dare say some of them have a worse track record with relationships than I do... yes it is possible. It started off like I was the one pushing to define things and wanting all this, but he has fueled the fire and it seems now that he is adding to it with the marriage comments and stuff like that. He even posted some "joke" on Facebook about the your future marriage and it being me. Of course I had to "like it" and post hearts, and some I love you stuff to go along.

I DO love him, he has been good to me. He is funny, charming and sweet to me. I know he has flaws...pretty big ones probably. I know I am very damaged and flawed too. I know I am showing the maturity level of a teenager, which is not a good thing. I am level-headed about everything else BUT relationships. They make me crazy.

My 18 year old has been dating the same boy for over two years. She has yet to change her Facebook status. She says people who know them know and other than that, who cares? Occasionally she'll post some pictures of them, such as prom several months back, but other than that she's focused on life, which is where her relationship exists, not online.

 

[princesspiglet]

I keep reading this thread...even though I don't want to!! I really, truly can not believe that this post is real or that the OP is even real. I am having a really hard time believing that a 44 year old woman says "like" in every sentence or talks about Facebook the way she does. I think the OP is a 14 year old girl who is very bored!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Tinder apps and he calls his ex a jealous psycho? Run for the hills! Most men call their ex's or current gf/wife a jealous psycho because they got busted doing something and don't want to accept their fate.

I guarantee you had you confronted him about the Tinder app on his phone he would be calling YOU a jealous psycho right now.

 

[cabanafrau]

What is sad is not knowing your own self worth to settle for the first nibble of affection someone gives you.

Don't forget, the children seem to love her, too. As long as it seems like it, it counts right?

 

[gemini2727]

Great idea!

Or maybe you can take a trip on Domo's time machine and go back to a time when you were younger and less desperate. As soon as you choose your partner, make sure you post your relationship status with a pic.

Yes, please do! Then the internet can validate you as a worthwhile person, and confirm you aren't pathetically "old and unloved!" Cause that's what matters...

 

[cabanafrau]

OP it's clear a therapy modality will not work for you at this time because you're not ready. My suggestion is get a life coach. I think that is an approach that might suit your instant gratification need. It would allow you to work with a professional specifically with an eye towards satisfying what you want out of life.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I do not know why with my weird sense of values that feel as if there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, but the thought of being this old and nobody loving you just makes me very sad. I know THAT is entirely not his fault, that is my own weird perception of the world. I just fear others would judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

I don’t think it’s sad but I do think the older you get the dating pool shrinks. You meet men that are single and you realize quickly WHY they are single.

 

[clutter]

What bothers me about my BF the most is, sometimes I feel as if he isn't paying enough attention to me. (I don't know if this is me being unreasonable, or if this is a real problem). I also do not like how he cannot seem to stop bickering with his ex wife. It's over, just stop this already. (they fight about the kids all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean like all the darn time). I feel awkward when we are supposed to be together and he is sending hateful texts back and forth with his ex. It is like I am right HERE, freakin' pay attention to me.

First, if you don't know whether you are being unreasonable or not you need the help of a professional, not a bunch of people on a discussion board. It can take a lot of tries before you find a therapist you click with. We tried about 6 before we found one that my dd was able to connect with. You might consider talking to a psychiatrist to see about medication for anxiety as well. And don't expect miracles. It takes a lot of time. And a lot of time learning to trust not only your therapist, but yourself.


I get very frustrated and angry sometimes, but I never say anything. It seems to me that I can build up a lot of anger, and then he will say something or do something sweet and I just instantly forgive it. I know that is not his fault. It is my fault for being so needy. I sometimes feel as if this all might be a huge mistake, but I keep digging myself in deeper every day. Other times I feel so incredibly happy with him that it is unbelievable.

Same as what I said above, times 2. Make that times 3.

It is no secret that I really really want to be in a relationship. I do not know why with my weird sense of values that feel as if there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, but the thought of being this old and nobody loving you just makes me very sad. I know THAT is entirely not his fault, that is my own weird perception of the world. I just fear others would judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

Same as above, times 10. Here's the thing. I'm older than you and single - not in a relationship. Sure, sometimes it makes me sad. But the thing that makes me even sadder is seeing people in a crappy relationship. Learn to love yourself, and you will find other who love you. Learn how to make yourself happy whether you are in a relationship or not. Your happiness is under YOUR control, but you are handing it off to him.

As for your comments about being judged, see a therapist. See a psychiatrist. Slow down that voice that is telling you crappy things about yourself in your head. Maybe then you will stop listening to crappy things from the guy you're dating. Sure - sometimes he's wonderful. But pay attention to the times that he is not and that you have to withhold what you are feeling from him. The times you don't want to sound like his ex-. You need to be able to sound like you. So figure out who that is so you feel secure being that person.

 

[clutter]

Probably the biggest red flag in a thread full of them:





Being Facebook official doesn't change your odds of ending up "old and having no one to love you." It merely means that when you do reach that status, you may be wearing a wedding ring.

Best line ever.

 

[Allison]

I'm going to ask again, out of curiosity, I guess. You are well aware of how people are going to respond to your posts. It will be the same suggestions to slow down and go to therapy..again and again. You ignore all of this. So, why do you continue to give all the details of this relationship? Of course, I realize you have every right to do this. I just wonder what your motivation is. Is it because you just want to let as many people as you can that you are in a relationship?