Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[Kathryn Merteuil]

So, some of you might remember I was like totally freaking out about a "new" relationship a while back. We are now like 6 months into this. I did take time to talk to the rest of my family that has met him, and they all liked him. My dad has not said anything else about disliking him... he has offered no further opinions. We had a gathering in which his family met mine. His mom told my dad what a wonderful daughter he had. I heard that with my own ears. It makes me feel good to know that my BF's mom really does seem to like me.

I guess we are "semi-engaged" or "pre-engaged" (if such terms exist) now? He brought up the subject of marriage, and I was like yes absolutely I want to get married (in the future). There was no ring, and there was no formal proposal, no date set, (well maybe a year set)...just a conversation. It feels really weird to tell you the truth. I am not quite sure how to define what we are now.

It seems as if I have exactly what I was wanting... and now I am scared. I kind of wonder if this is all for real. Maybe since I have been divorced twice, I am wondering if it is wise to get married a 3rd time. I am worried about our finances and all those boring issues that makes a household run. I wonder if I REALLY know him well enough to jump into this again. I am terrified really. Dating is easy and fun (if you don't get yourself too worked up about it), but when you marry somebody OMG things might change. I feel as if things are growing into something really wonderful or it is going to crash and burn and I am going to get hurt.

Some of those bad habits that I complained about before, he has toned it down. I really don't like how much he still bickers with his ex-wife, but at least it has gotten better. I know I said before how he makes me feel good about myself (which that still applies), but I really DO adore him. It is not all about how I feel. If he hurts, I hurt, if he is stressed, I am stressed too. I DO love him. I still have some issues to work through I know. This jealousy thing still bothers me. I catch myself getting angry over silly things usually because of jealousy. 6 months in, and we have never had a fight... there have been several times when I could have said something and it would have started a big one. I just have this voice inside my head that tells me to shut up and not act like a witch. It always seems that if I keep my mouth shut and just let things go, the next day I realize that it I was wrong and I am glad I didn't say anything. Maybe communication is overrated. Sometimes silence is golden.

Anyway... for anybody who was wondering about how that whole thing is going, there is your 6 month update

 

[lizabu]

Not trying to offend you but it sounds like you're moving a little fast. I think if I had two divorces under my belt I would be moving super slow. I think I read somewhere that half of all first marriages end in divorce and something like 70% of second marriages end in divorce and the odds for a third marriage are even worse. It wouldn't hurt to get premarital counseling to ensure that you're both on the same page and you've addressed everything that could come up before you walk down the aisel.

 

[Christine]

So, some of you might remember I was like totally freaking out about a "new" relationship a while back. We are now like 6 months into this. I did take time to talk to the rest of my family that has met him, and they all liked him. My dad has not said anything else about disliking him... he has offered no further opinions. We had a gathering in which his family met mine. His mom told my dad what a wonderful daughter he had. I heard that with my own ears. It makes me feel good to know that my BF's mom really does seem to like me.

I guess we are "semi-engaged" or "pre-engaged" (if such terms exist) now? He brought up the subject of marriage, and I was like yes absolutely I want to get married (in the future). There was no ring, and there was no formal proposal, no date set, (well maybe a year set)...just a conversation. It feels really weird to tell you the truth. I am not quite sure how to define what we are now.

It seems as if I have exactly what I was wanting... and now I am scared. I kind of wonder if this is all for real. Maybe since I have been divorced twice, I am wondering if it is wise to get married a 3rd time. I am worried about our finances and all those boring issues that makes a household run. I wonder if I REALLY know him well enough to jump into this again. I am terrified really. Dating is easy and fun (if you don't get yourself too worked up about it), but when you marry somebody OMG things might change. I feel as if things are growing into something really wonderful or it is going to crash and burn and I am going to get hurt.

Some of those bad habits that I complained about before, he has toned it down. I really don't like how much he still bickers with his ex-wife, but at least it has gotten better. I know I said before how he makes me feel good about myself (which that still applies), but I really DO adore him. It is not all about how I feel. If he hurts, I hurt, if he is stressed, I am stressed too. I DO love him. I still have some issues to work through I know. This jealousy thing still bothers me. I catch myself getting angry over silly things usually because of jealousy. 6 months in, and we have never had a fight... there have been several times when I could have said something and it would have started a big one. I just have this voice inside my head that tells me to shut up and not act like a witch. It always seems that if I keep my mouth shut and just let things go, the next day I realize that it I was wrong and I am glad I didn't say anything. Maybe communication is overrated. Sometimes silence is golden.

Anyway... for anybody who was wondering about how that whole thing is going, there is your 6 month update

Yep, moving to fast. I would give it 18 months before I even started thinking marriage. That's how long it takes the surges of hormones involved in new relationships (yes that's a thing) to even out. Once they settle down, you should be able to see clearly.

 

[Kitty 34]

Not to make you feel bad, Kathryn, because every relationship is sooooooo different but going on my sons relationships with their now married wives..........they were all at least 2 and more years in before they even proposed. Good luck to you.

 

[Sweetpancake]

I think 6 months in is way, way, WAY too early to be thinking about getting engaged. Take your time getting to know this man. What's the rush? If you enjoy being with this person, then just "be". Don't feel like you need to rush into things. My husband and I were together almost 5 year before he proposed and 7 years when we got married. I'm glad we took our time. There's nothing bad that can happen by taking things slow but there are certainly a lot of things that could go wrong by moving too fast.

 

[scrapquitler]

Based on this an past threads, I think you shouldn't even be THINKING about getting engaged until you've been together for about two years.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I did not really think it would move this quickly. He is the one who brought up the marriage issue, not me. It is like I pushed away one boyfriend many years ago with the marriage talk, I don't want to make that mistake again. I was happy being an established couple, like Facebook official and all. I like spending every possible minute I can with him, and would like to spend even more. I would love to wear a ring and be legit engaged. The conversation was more about this happening in 2017, not immediately.

The details scare me though. There are so many issues to consider when two people get married. There is family stuff, pet stuff, career stuff, financial stuff. It is astounding what all would need to be considered. I've messed this up twice before, I don't want to make another mistake. However, I don't want to let what may quite possibly be the love of my life get away from me just because I am afraid to mess up again.

 

[Christine]

I did not really think it would move this quickly. He is the one who brought up the marriage issue, not me. It is like I pushed away one boyfriend many years ago with the marriage talk, I don't want to make that mistake again. I was happy being an established couple, like Facebook official and all. I like spending every possible minute I can with him, and would like to spend even more. I would love to wear a ring and be legit engaged. The conversation was more about this happening in 2017, not immediately.

The details scare me though. There are so many issues to consider when two people get married. There is family stuff, pet stuff, career stuff, financial stuff. It is astounding what all would need to be considered. I've messed this up twice before, I don't want to make another mistake. However, I don't want to let what may quite possibly be the love of my life get away from me just because I am afraid to mess up again.

If he is the love of your life, he won't getting away. Read your posts. This does not sound like a smart thing to do. So you make it sound like if you delay this, he's just going to leave you? That's not right, is it. Come on, you are going to go down a bad road again. I think we can all see this.

 

[wenrob]

I've been a lurker on your past threads and the advice I see consistently is for you to get counseling and work on loving you. I would have to agree. They all strike me as you desperately wanting to be loved and you'll settle and bend yourself into a pretzel for this guy to make it happen. Silence is golden? Really? So you will never EVER speak your mind, discuss an issue, tell him he made you feel bad? Ever? That's a recipe for divorce court if I ever saw one. The issues you have now will be the issues you have later, keeping silent will not fix that. Until you do you even a relationship with the perfect man will not work.

 

[CarolAnn856]

So, I took a look at your other threads for some perspective.

• In May, 4 months after your divorce, you were obsessing about how frequently your boyfriend texted you.
• In August you said that your father hates him (who correctly, according to you, also hated your previous husbands) and that "there are some things about him that [you] do NOT like." These things include that he is hung up on his ex-wife and he talks about other women.
• Now, in October, you are already mentally figuring out how to manage your combined finances.

I'll be brutally honest. This situation is a hot mess and you should not even be considering marriage.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

There is no such thing as pre engaged, semi engaged or what have you. There is no such thing as "another level" other than being engaged.

You're either ready to be engaged or you're not. You're not. It's as simple as that.

 

[mnrose]

I can't even do this thread. Prior threads on the same topic contained remarkably consistent advice for OP, who seems to have completely ignored it.

Without belaboring anything, it's too soon. Period. And, you need to work on yourself OP, before you throw yourself into a third marriage. This is not going to end well unless you work on yourself.

 

[low-key]

The Final step of closeness is pooping with bathroom door open

 

[mom2rtk]

I'm sad that you haven't taken time to learn to appreciate and enjoy your own company before heading into a serious relationship again.

I wish nothing but the best for you. But I wish you could find a way to be strong by yourself for a while.

 

[sonnyjane]

Maybe since I have been divorced twice, I am wondering if it is wise to get married a 3rd time. I am worried about our finances and all those boring issues that makes a household run. I wonder if I REALLY know him well enough to jump into this again. I am terrified really.

I don't have too much energy to muster for this thread, since as others have pointed out, you don't seem to take advice, but I'll share this in case you care:

The divorce rate for third marriages is 73%, and I feel like that's probably for people that don't describe their feelings about the prospect of entering said marriage as being "terrified". https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...-high-failure-rate-second-and-third-marriages

It's your life. The good news is, after all this practice, maybe divorce number three will go more smoothly.. and number four... and number five...

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Just echoing what everyone else has said.

Yes, this is way too soon to be "taking it to the next step."

If you are considering this because if you don't, he might leave you, then he needs to leave you.

After being married twice before, you need to live on your own for a while. Get to know yourself. Like yourself, like spending time with YOU.

And you shouldn't need to sit down to talk about pets, children, and the like. These conversations should come about naturally. By the time you say yes to a proposal, you should already know what he thinks about children, if he likes pets and if he wants to change careers. Yes, you would want to nail down particulars, but you should have the basics by the time you say yes.

Also, people change. He will change. You will change. No one stays the same.

Right now you are keeping quiet. Can you do that forever?

 

[lovemygoofy]

You aren't going to listen to anything you don't agree with so I'm not sure why I'm wasting my time. But I can't help it.

You want to be engaged because you only feel loved when you "belong" to someone. You don't love yourself at all or you wouldn't need
to pair up so quickly for that codependent reassurance of "happy." You don't want to speak your mind because you worry he will leave and you'll be alone.

Good luck in that third marriage. Maybe get a therapist on retainer.

 

[MataHari22]

I would just echo the previous posts and say that you shouldn't even think about getting married yet. You did not take the time to be strong and on your own after you divorced.

Maybe communication is overrated.

No. Never overrated. Communication is everything.

 

[sonnyjane]

No. Never overrated. Communication is everything.

Right? I can't even imagine...

 

[verleniahall]

I agree with other posters - i would get with your minister and get some pre-marital counseling.