Stepchild problem... need some help

[bsnyder]

Of course your feelings are hurt, all parents feel that way under these circumstances. And I think sometimes, it's even more hurtful, for a step-parent. My DH is a step-parent, and I know he takes the actions of my sons a lot more personally than I do. And he takes the actions of our daughter a lot less personally than those of the boys. The relationship with his biological child is less complicated, for him.

Allow yourself to acknowedge those hurt feelings, just don't react to them, with him. And I think you should give yourself a pat on the back here. You've been a good parent to this young man for a long time. The going has gotten tougher, but it's not a race to the finish line. It's a process. Your heart is in the right place, and he knows that.

 

[poohandwendy]

The going has gotten tougher, but it's not a race to the finish line. It's a process.

Amen! I think sometimes we have to remember during what seems like the darkest hour, there will be a time when we look back and just smile because we never thought we would make it through. Not only do we, but we gain strength and wisdom from it.

 

[holycow]

I don't have any advice about the discipline part but I must say you can't cut the 17yr old out of your sons life because he isn't around.

I have a 24 yr. old DD and a 7 yr. old DD...the 7 yr. old adores the older one. At times 24 yr.old isn't very nice to 7yr old but we can't cut her out of her life. You need to explain to little son that older son is a big boy and he does big boy things and can't be around all of the time. '

Good luck!!!

HOlycow

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, I too see how this must make you hurt inside!


However, if you say he is 17.5, then he is technically almost 18.

There is no way that you can, or should, hold a 17 year old responsible for the crying and wailing of a 4 year old. Your stepson is almost 18, and therefore has a right to start making his own decisions and moving on with his life. What if he moves for a job opportunity, college, military, whatever. The 4 year old should have no bearing at all. The four year old is the one who needs to learn to adapt. I am really wondering if the 4 year old is not responding to the the tension and subtle messages that he is getting from the OP and her husband??? She is admitting how it hurts her to be ignored.

Not only does the kids age mean that 'control' and ultimatums will not be useful. But, I think the OP kind of gave up that 'control' when all the other relatives have been delegated the care and responsibility.

Not only do you have an issue with your stepson, but you also have an issue with the relatives who have allowed him to perpetuate this behavior by taking him in like they have.

Believe me, we really understand that it 'hurts' for him to ignore you!!!! But, in reality, I really do not think that you can force anything at this point. And, if you do, then it will probably backfire.

I don' really have any long-term advice... But for now, I agree with the other posters that you should probably step back, take a deep breath, and think 'this too shall pass!!!'.

 

[AprilShowers]

I think I have a tiny bit of a different take on this situation.

I think he's ignoring you because he feels guilty. He knows he screwed up, and he hasn't been taught/ or hasn't figured out how to own up to his responsibility yet. Kids that age don't like confrontation, so they avoid it at ALL COSTS! He knows he hurt you, so he's avoiding you like the plague because he hates to see the hurt looks on your face! Not because he doesn't want to get in trouble.

He sounds like a good kid who has just gone the wrong way a couple of times. Give him some space while reminding him how much you, dad and lil bro love & miss him.

I think you should have your 4 year old leave him a few messages on his cell letting him know how much he misses him. Or come get me and take me to McDonalds! Something of that nature.
Good luck with this and to you and your family!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know you cannot stand your 4yo being hurt but right now the stepson has pain & guilt beyond all reason.

17.5 is on the verge on becoming an adult. He needs you more than ever. Actually he really, really needs his dad. It is a seriously important time between dad & son.

Reaching out and repairing should be your focus. Make calls, drop by, take him out to lunch/dinner, movies, etc...repair the broken bonds.
Showing compassion in this time of crisis will model behavior for your DH and your son.

ETA....I wanted to add as an adult I understand that adults should take the lead when in comes to a child in "limbo". They are children. They need you to be the one to reach out. Yes he is almost an adult but not really if he is messing up. He has "stopped growth". You need to jump start him and get him going again.

I know you can do it.

{{HUGS}}

 

[barkley]

i feel for you op.

my kids have an uncle (my brother) who parachuted in and out of their lives depending on how he felt his standing with the family was (if he was guilting on something no contact-if not it was only when it was convenient to him and he would talk up going to the park, how they'de fly kite next windy day...only to 'poof' disappear).

the final straw in our situation occured a couple of years ago-following one of his visits ds (then 7) was chattering on about what they would be doing, how they were going to... and dd (9 at the time) said 'dont hurt yourself by getting excited about it-it probably wont. uncle 'x' always lies-he tells us stuff to make us happy when he's around but he never comes back and does them'. THAT KILLED ME. i contacted my brother and told him no more contact unless it was on a regular basis (even a periodic phone call with months of not seeing them-and he lived CLOSE by), and no more promises-just come and enjoy the time he spent with them. he chose not to have that kind of relationship-he only wanted it to be convenient to him and damn the impact of bouncing in and out of their lives.

it's been 2 years since they last saw or heard from him, they ask occasionaly but since he was not a constant in their lives they don't realy 'miss' him (and they absolutely don't miss the disappointment his absences created).

do whats best for your younger son-he needs to learn that relationships are nurtured and maintained, not that they are cast aside when someone feels uncomfortable or inconvenienced (esp. when those feelings are directed not at you-but others in your family, but you experience the fall out).

 

[CEDmom]

But that is the problem .. we keep telling him just come over and we will discuss it. He knows we love him,he is just flat out ignoring us. He has no idea what i am thinking about doing , ive never ever mentioned it.
I am just sooo mad about listening to his little brother cry everyday and ask where he is. The child has had a really good life, spoiled prob is ya want to know the truth. I think im so mad also because this happened back in May with the car issue we didnt see him for two months and i explained how much it hurt his brother and now he is doing it again.

Honestly, he's probably doing this because he knows it bothers you. He's not thinking about how his actions are affecting his brother. I'd try to explain to your little guy that his big brother needs to work on some things and when he's done he'll come by. In the meantime see if any other family member can act as a go between so your DS can see his big brother. Maybe bring the little one to the aunt's house. Also, stop letting on how much his actions are bothering you. When he sees your not reacting he may back down.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I know you cannot stand your 4yo being hurt but right now the stepson has pain & guilt beyond all reason.

17.5 is on the verge on becoming an adult. He needs you more than ever. Actually he really, really needs his dad. It is a seriously important time between dad & son.

Reaching out and repairing should be your focus. Make calls, drop by, take him out to lunch/dinner, movies, etc...repair the broken bonds.
Showing compassion in this time of crisis will model behavior for your DH and your son.

ETA....I wanted to add as an adult I understand that adults should take the lead when in comes to a child in "limbo". They are children. They need you to be the one to reach out. Yes he is almost an adult but not really if he is messing up. He has "stopped growth". You need to jump start him and get him going again.

I know you can do it.

{{HUGS}}

EXCELLENT post!!!

To the OP, it is only natural for many kids at this age to pull away from the adults in their lives... It is their way of breaking the child-adult dynamic so that they can start to become an adult themselves. (even if they are NOWHERE ready to become an adult.) And, especially as a step-mother, or any mother-son situation. It may be difficult for you to see this now, but probably is his Dad who needs to reach out to him and to handle the situation. I totally agree with what MM just posted above!

As his mother, perhaps the only thing that he needs from you right now is to know that you DO love him. Pressure, over-discipline, and ultimatums will not convey this message. The message in that would be, she doesn't understand, she just wants to control me and treat me like a little kid, etc.. etc...

Would his Dad be able to try to work things out with him, on a somewhat man-to-man basis. Of course, it is still his Dad, so that will always be there... But just a slightly different man-to-man angle???? Not using words like 'rules', etc.. but words like 'responsibility' and 'respect', and 'success', etc...

His father should simply go over there and speak to him face to face. If his father has not been that personally involved in the situation, then you are really stuck right where you are at.

PS: calling and leaving messages over and over, like "just come home and we will talk, we love you, etc..." really is putting you in the subordinate position like begging and pleading. WRONG way to go about it... This is EXACTLY where he wants you. You are playing into his game. And, pulling the "baby bro is crying cause he misses him!!!!" is playing the 'pity' card. You need to keep baby bro busy and happy, and not involve him in the picture whatsoever. I truly think that if the four year old is that upset, it is because he is internalizing his mothers pain.