Stepchild problem... need some help

[ilovejack02]

I have been married 10 yrs, been with DH 12 yrs total. My stepson was 5 when i met him and of course the cutest child ever. I have always thought of him as my own and he has never been a bad kid. He has given us trouble with school for yrs but never anything other than that. Now that he is 17.5 yrs old he has started staying away from us anytime his Dad disciplined him. His mother hasnt ever backed us up until recently and now he is FREAKING out because of that. He doesnt get that he has a curfew and that he must be on time to school. In the last yr he destroyed a car we bought him because he didnt change the oil ( yes he knew he had too and knows how to do it) and because he was scared of his dad's reaction he ignored us for over a month. Now he is in trouble again because of school issues and he is hiding at an Aunt's house because once again he is afraid to face the music. ANYWAY what i am soo mad about is that he now has a little brother who is 4 and doesnt understand why brother is not coming to see him and cries about missing him. I have left several messages on big brothers phone about this and havent heard anything. Im about to call him and let him know that if he doesnt come see his little brother soon, i will cut him out of his life. I cant stand my little one being so upset about not seeing his big brother... what should i do about this?

 

[poohandwendy]

One thing NOT to do is to make threats to 'cut him out of his brothers life'. That is the attitude that is making him stay away, I guarantee it. The reaction of his not seeing his brother should not be to cut him out permanently. That just does not make any sense at all. How does that benefit anyone?

Bottom line, he is afraid to face the music because of the response he knows is coming. Very typical immature response. Ok, so let him stew in it. Let him know you are there if/when he wants to talk. Do not help him until he comes to you and deals with the issue.

He is 17, he is bound to make mistakes. Make it clear that while you will not tolerate specific things, you are not going to turn your back on him. So, he blew it...let him know that it is not the end of the world, that above all else you love him and that the best thing he could do is to come talk to you and his dad about it.

As far as your other son, unfortunately, you will have to just explain to him that his brother cannot see him right now for whatever reason. Do not play one against the other. There is a huge age difference and there is no way the younger brother will understand what the older one is going through. But, you can try to make it easier on him.

 

[CEDmom]

Well, if you want to ensure your stepson never comes by again then giving him an ultimatum. Honestly, I'd give him some space but I wouldn't back down on the school issues. He'll come around eventually. His behavior is typical for that age.

 

[LukenDC]

For the most part this sounds like typical teenage boy behavior and it will end soon. As for the younger brother, why not have him call his older brother? I'm sure that the teenager loves the younger brother and does not want to hurt him. He just needs to know how hurtful his absence is to the little one.

 

[ilovejack02]

One thing NOT to do is to make threats to 'cut him out of his brothers life'. That is the attitude that is making him stay away, I guarantee it. The reaction of his not seeing his brother should not be to cut him out permanently. That just does not make any sense at all. How does that benefit ayone?

He is 17, he is bound to make mistakes. Make it clear that while you will not tolerate specific things, you are not going to turn your back on him. So, he blew it...let him know that it is not the end of the world, that above all else you love him and that the best thing he could do is to come talk to you and his dad about it.

But that is the problem .. we keep telling him just come over and we will discuss it. He knows we love him,he is just flat out ignoring us. He has no idea what i am thinking about doing , ive never ever mentioned it.
I am just sooo mad about listening to his little brother cry everyday and ask where he is. The child has had a really good life, spoiled prob is ya want to know the truth. I think im so mad also because this happened back in May with the car issue we didnt see him for two months and i explained how much it hurt his brother and now he is doing it again.

 

[poohandwendy]

But that is the problem .. we keep telling him just come over and we will discuss it. He knows we love him,he is just flat out ignoring us. He has no idea what i am thinking about doing , ive never ever mentioned it.
I am just sooo mad about listening to his little brother cry everyday and ask where he is. The child has had a really good life, spoiled prob is ya want to know the truth.

I understand...but you will not get through to him with ultimatums. It won't make things better, just worse. Just stick to your guns and he will have to find his way.

The younger brother obviously does not understand any of this, but you can cushion the blow by reminding him that his brother loves him and that he will see him when he can. Not much else you can do that does not cause more confusion for the 4 yo.

 

[bsnyder]

I don't see how or why this is a "stepchild" problem. Intact families deal with similar problems with their kids day in and day out. Including ones that completely ignore their younger siblings. Or worse.

Don't make this into a "personal" issue between the brothers. It's not.

Set up some realistic expectations and consequences for this kid. And follow through with the consequences. Hopefully, it's just a maturity problem.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

My uncle and aunt went through the not visiting siblings thing with my cousin (his daughter from before he got married). When she was in high school, she wanted to be with her friends or boyfriend, etc. My uncle had two more children with my aunt, and they expected my cousin to see her sisters. I know they butted heads about this a lot.

The advice I remember them getting was just to keep emphasizing how important Stepdaughter was to the family, how much her little sisters looked up to her, how much everyone wanted to see her. And to keep the door always open for her. To keep inviting her and welcoming her.

She did come around, and now understands the importance to her younger siblings. But in her teenage years it was hard to get her to understand.

So there is definitely room for a happily ever after. Just not in the teenage years.

 

[poohandwendy]

I don't see how or why this is a "stepchild" problem. Intact families deal with similar problems with their kids day in and day out. Including ones that completely ignore their younger siblings. Or worse.

Very true. And another important point that I think is especially important in blended family situations is to not allow the 'blended family' status to become a reason for teen angst. As it stands, many teens find plenty of ways to feel sorry for themselves when they are not feeling to good about life. Don't allow him to add the 'woe is me, my parents are divorced, my life is so messed up' guilt card into it.

You say he is like your own child? Then take 'he is my stepchild' out of YOUR thought process and treat him as your own. It is important for you to realize that your own child could go through the same thing and act the same way when he hits 17...this is not about your SS not being your biological child.

 

[Kirk]

I agree with poohandwendy. Tread lightly but be firm. I went out on my own at 17- maybe it's his time. We all have to find our own way eventually. You've done what you can - just let him sort it out on his own time.

About the little one - there's quite an age difference there! My DD and DS have 6 years between them and they've been close and far, close and far. I'm sure as they both get older that difference will become less and less.

Ultimately all we can do is point them in the right direction - it's up to them to choose their path.


-

 

[dixipixi]

I also have a 17 y/o stepson. His dad and I married when he was 3. He lives with us. We haven't had this sort of problem for a while. Ever since he's lived here, he's known he has to be responsible and answer for his actions.

When he lived with his mom, he went through a few times where he just wouldn't come if he didn't like the rules or had gotten in trouble for something. Like for instance if he was punished away from the play station or tv for a couple of weeks, he just wouldn't come.

DH had a long sit down talk with him. He had to go to his ex's house to do this since DsS wouldn't come here. But he did it. After that things got much better and it was only a few months later that he actually wanted to come live here full time.

We haven't had any issues about curfew or being at school on time. He is pretty good about those things, but he knows that if he's not....that's it. No car, no going out, nothing but school and work.

I agree that he should see his little brother. Have you considered taking little brother over to see him. And just visit. Don't bring up all this other stuff. Maybe he'll learn that he has a family and it takes compromise and love to make it work. Definitely not ultimatums and threats.

Don't jeopardize the family you have over this. I know for a fact that if I threatened one of my stepkids with being "cut out of our lives" that my DH would have a serious issue (as I would with him if the situation was reversed).
I just don't think it would be worth possibly losing my family over.

 

[poohandwendy]

Have you considered taking little brother over to see him. And just visit. Don't bring up all this other stuff. Maybe he'll learn that he has a family and it takes compromise and love to make it work.

I think this is a great idea.

 

[minkydog]

I don't see how or why this is a "stepchild" problem. Intact families deal with similar problems with their kids day in and day out. Including ones that completely ignore their younger siblings. Or worse.

Don't make this into a "personal" issue between the brothers. It's not.

Set up some realistic expectations and consequences for this kid. And follow through with the consequences. Hopefully, it's just a maturity problem.

I absolutley agree. I could have written your post 2-1/2yrs ago and we have no step-children, just then-17yo who was having a hard time growing up. We went though all the yelling & ignoring & staying out late, too. I finally realized that the only way to salvage the relationship was to "go limp"--just let whatever will be, be. I had to make myself not react to his inflammatory remarks and emotional outbursts. Of course it really didn't help his case that he had two cute younger, non-teen sibs--nothing he did was as interesting and wonderful as those two. DS was at a particularly unlovely stage in his life. I decided that I couldn't help him unless he knew I loved him no matter what. so one night I waited up and I told him that. No fighting, no bargaining. Just "I really love you and I'm sorry we're having a hard time getting along. I want you to know that there is nothing you can do which would make me turn my back on you." and then I dropped it. Very hard for me to do, let me say

If you threaten him with loss of contact with his little brother you're gonna shoot yourself in the face. You will cause catastrophic harm to the relationship with may never be repaired. Don't threaten this kid. The reason he won't talk to you or come home is he knows you're going to over-react and he'd rather not deal with it. I know, I've been in your shoes. In six months he'll be an adult. He's scared and anxious about failing school and worried about what's going to happen to him--all kids do this, not just the step-children. Some have an easier adjustment than others, but they all need to separate from their parents at this age. Dont make things harder than they already are

 

[ilovejack02]

I agree that he should see his little brother. Have you considered taking little brother over to see him. And just visit. Don't bring up all this other stuff. Maybe he'll learn that he has a family and it takes compromise and love to make it work. Definitely not ultimatums and threats.
.

Now that is a good idea i havent thought about that one! I have thought about telling him to come and get him.. i do trust him to take his little brother places, but ive just been so mad at him i havent made the call. I know some of yall dont get this but im just so hurt that he ignores us. I am the one that got his dad to buy him the car and i am the one that got daddy to give him the gas card. I buy his clothes, shoes, haircuts toys etc.... He has always told everyone how much i spoil him even his mom says he could never have a better stepmom and now to be treated like this just FREAKS me out. I have never been anything but good to this child... i guess its just a teenage thing but I didnt act like this as a teenager and neither did my friends. It is def. all new to me.

 

[poohandwendy]

I know some of yall dont get this but im just so hurt that he ignores us.

I think most of us do get that. Really, really get that. That is what always hurts when kids get older and start breaking away. It is really, really common whether it is your biological child, adopted or step. It is definitely painful and hard not to take it personally. But we have to get beyond that and realize it's not about us...it's about their need for independence and their lack of maturity.

Many, many, many kids break away in a rough way like that. It stinks. He is not you or your friends, he is him. It is always rough dealing with a kid who does not respond the way we expect.

But, trust that you have laid a good foundation with him and that he will eventually grow up and fall back on that and turn into a responsible man. Just be there for him and try to understand that he isn't doing it the way you would like, but some people just have to learn on their own, ya know?

(btw, I am a mother of a 19 yo and an almost 17 yo (and a 13 yo)...been there, done that. And, like you...I have never been anything but good to my kids. It's really not personal...not an attack on you or the way you raised him. It's just a young person who is having a hard time breaking through to the other side of being grown up)

 

[Tiggeroo]

you need to understand that this is just teens stuff. Teens with two families have this option as a weapon, but really it's just teen stuff. Alot of us wrecked cars as teens/young adults due to stupidity/irresponsibility. You make a kid pay some of it back but understand it is immaturity. You know you are right but you're going to have to back down anyway. Definitely invite him to take the younger brother somewhere or meet at the movies or for dinner or something. He may know you love him. He may believe you won't be too hard on him. But he's still trying to avoid the consequences. And the two homes makes it a bit easier. Offer him a visit where you won't talk about the problems. If his dad wants to deal with the problems I imagine he can find him if he wants. Let him go see his son after school or on a Sat. morning on his own and deal with it. Good luck.

 

[dixipixi]

I hope it works and that everything turns out all right for you. I totally get what you're saying about being good to him and giving all you can. I've been there. I'm also the one who talks Daddy into everything around here.

I will say that my DsS had definitely "come around" in the last few years. Some kids just mature faster than others. I will say he really appreciates what I do for him (at least I feel like he does). But it wasn't always that way.

Things will work out for you all as well. He's just going through some weird, teenage thing. I agree that I didn't act like that either, but I honestly believe things were a lot easier for us. I would hate to be a teenager nowadays.

Best wishes for you all.

 

[ilovejack02]

you need to understand that this is just teens stuff. Teens with two families have this option as a weapon, but really it's just teen stuff. Alot of us wrecked cars as teens/young adults due to stupidity/irresponsibility. You make a kid pay some of it back but understand it is immaturity. You know you are right but you're going to have to back down anyway. Definitely invite him to take the younger brother somewhere or meet at the movies or for dinner or something. He may know you love him. He may believe you won't be too hard on him. But he's still trying to avoid the consequences. And the two homes makes it a bit easier. Offer him a visit where you won't talk about the problems. If his dad wants to deal with the problems I imagine he can find him if he wants. Let him go see his son after school or on a Sat. morning on his own and deal with it. Good luck.

Unfortunatly we have 4 houses to deal with .. Ours, his moms the Godmother's and the Grandmothers. It is crazy its like 4 dif. families trying to parent one child, i think that is what is making it soo bad. He is really mad at us now because we have punished him and the Godmother and the Grandmother are all upholding the punishment and the mother has moved to anther town in the last few months. OK so i will try and calm down about this I promise LOL. My feelings are just sooo hurt! Ill get his Daddy to go hang with him asap alone. You would think his daddy would think of this but sometimes i swear men are clueless lol.

 

[poohandwendy]

OK so i will try and calm down about this I promise LOL. My feelings are just sooo hurt!

I understand {{{HUGS}}}

It will get better, I promise.

 

[ilovejack02]

I understand {{{HUGS}}}

It will get better, I promise.

I sure hope so ! Thanks! Oh and thanks yall for not hanging me out to dry LOL i know the perfect parent responses can get kinda crazy around here sometimes!
But wait thats another thread all together isnt it?