Step parent/Shared parenting vent.

[polineedyan]

Ive edited this post because I have all the information I need on the matter, and it was a pretty specific post, Im not sure it would have done anyone else any good to read my personal experience. In hindsight, Im not sure I agree with posting up about the matter.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

It sounds like an issue for mom and dad to deal with, rather than you and step mom.

 

[polineedyan]

Heard that. And I'll GLADLY take that advice. Giving this one a 'free pass'..

 

[kellyg403]

I am a stepparent and a bioparent. If it were me honestly, I would have your wife put 45.00 in an envelope with the bill and put it right back to them.

Honestly? I do not get involved in certain situations that involve my stepchildren, they have parents and those parents need to work out what is best for the children they conceived. My ex and I do not agree on everything, there are reasons why we are divorced, but we make sure we are solely responsible for our children. The children's stepmom never gets involved and really never discusses financial things with me. She will call and ask for a visitation or for the kids to have dinner when dad is deployed but she never gets involved in financial things. I do not get involved in financial decisions that dh and his ex have made/will make because that is not my place imho.

At a certain point, the ds is 17, by court order he is supposed to live with dad. He isn't. You will have to take the bull by the horns and either change the agreement or live with the terms regardless of where he lives. And another honest opinion? The ds is 17, HE lost the book, he should be paying it or understanding he will pay back the 90 bucks. He is way old enough to understand financial things and what happens when you are careless with someone else's property...you pay to replace it. This part is really more about making sure the ds understand the world does not revolve around him. Normal, typical teen stuff.



Kelly

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Heard that. And I'll GLADLY take that advice. Giving this one a 'free pass'..

Good choice!

 

[polineedyan]

I am a stepparent and a bioparent. If it were me honestly, I would have your wife put 45.00 in an envelope with the bill and put it right back to them.

Honestly? I do not get involved in certain situations that involve my stepchildren, they have parents and those parents need to work out what is best for the children they conceived. My ex and I do not agree on everything, there are reasons why we are divorced, but we make sure we are solely responsible for our children. The children's stepmom never gets involved and really never discusses financial things with me. She will call and ask for a visitation or for the kids to have dinner when dad is deployed but she never gets involved in financial things. I do not get involved in financial decisions that dh and his ex have made/will make because that is not my place imho.

At a certain point, the ds is 17, by court order he is supposed to live with dad. He isn't. You will have to take the bull by the horns and either change the agreement or live with the terms regardless of where he lives. And another honest opinion? The ds is 17, HE lost the book, he should be paying it or understanding he will pay back the 90 bucks. He is way old enough to understand financial things and what happens when you are careless with someone else's property...you pay to replace it. This part is really more about making sure the ds understand the world does not revolve around him. Normal, typical teen stuff.



Kelly

Good advice as well. Thank you. Honestly, how we go at ds about our 'half' is pretty similar to what you stated. I guess you would have to know the lady to know that this is a dig by her. It would have made it easier on me, had she enclosed partial payment, or at least acknowledged that we were only responsible for half. What this appears to be is that they got the bill (which we also did) and turned around and mailed it or a copy to us. My wife just blew it off, because she was already aware of it.
Its not easy to choose my battles with this lady, because she really gets under my skin and has for about 4 years now.
But Im glad to see that most people think that by me getting involved emotionally, is no different from her. Im stayin out of it..We've been sharing parenting for 12 years (shes been here 4)..We know what we're doing.
Thanks for the very good advice, again.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

While I am not a step parent and don't profess to have any great knowledge in that area I did think one thing when I read this post. Is is possible that the Dad and StepMom are hurt because the child no longer wants to live with them? Maybe they are lashing out because of that. Sort of a "Here- he wants to live with you because he has is soooooo bad here then you pay all his bills and see what he is really like!" Childish I know but I can understand being hurt when your child rejects you. I don't know, just looking at it from a different angle. Good luck.

 

[Erin1700]

The 17 year old should pay his own lost book fees.

 

[polineedyan]

The 17 year old should pay his own lost book fees.

Im thinking this is the forward-thinking approach. I'll just book the kid from 8-5 one day and he can work off the full amount. Then, if we havent heard from the other side by then, pay the balance. It can only help should this go any further legally, if we can show we pay the food, clothing, and schooling. Again, he's 17 so I dont know if it will ever come to that. This is the forward thinking approach.

 

[Erin1700]

Im thinking this is the forward-thinking approach. I'll just book the kid from 8-5 one day and he can work off the full amount. Then, if we havent heard from the other side by then, pay the balance. It can only help should this go any further legally, if we can show we pay the food, clothing, and schooling. Again, he's 17 so I dont know if it will ever come to that. This is the forward thinking approach.

I hope my reply didnt seem like I missed the point in your first post, but stepson or not, no parent should pay $90 for a 17 yr olds lost book!
For actual college fees, etc something needs to be fixed in writing. For now, document all that you pay.

 

[kellyg403]

Good advice as well. Thank you. Honestly, how we go at ds about our 'half' is pretty similar to what you stated. I guess you would have to know the lady to know that this is a dig by her. It would have made it easier on me, had she enclosed partial payment, or at least acknowledged that we were only responsible for half. What this appears to be is that they got the bill (which we also did) and turned around and mailed it or a copy to us. My wife just blew it off, because she was already aware of it.
Its not easy to choose my battles with this lady, because she really gets under my skin and has for about 4 years now.
But Im glad to see that most people think that by me getting involved emotionally, is no different from her. Im stayin out of it..We've been sharing parenting for 12 years (shes been here 4)..We know what we're doing.
Thanks for the very good advice, again.

I would wager to quess that you are right, it might be a dig or it might be one of those situations where they are thinking you want the child you want the responsibilities and all that entails. Do I think its right? Nah. I don't think stepparents, unless the other parent is totally absent, should even be doing things like this stepmom did. I probably, though, would take the high ground and pretend and ignore like they are. KWIM?

I don't think it unreasonable for your wife to call dad and say hey, I got a bill for ds for a lost book. I have told he will work to pay it off. We have to pay the bill, 1/2 and 1/2 and he can work here one day and work whatever you need him one day. For me, this whole situation is totally different than stepmom sending the bill. I wouldn't even do much more than laugh and throw it away as you did since I ALREADY had a copy of the bill. While it might be a long time in happening, your wife and his dad need to show a UNITED front regardless of divorce and new marriages and show him that they are his parents and so this is a unified decisions.

Two separate issues in my mind, but you are doing the right thing in just staying out of the childish behavior. It won't amount to anything good but will amount to a bunch of resentment and hurt feelings. If I was your wife, I would not even speak to the stepmom, go straight to dad. But then again, this is assuming the two of them are able to do this.

Kelly

 

[polineedyan]

Thanks again. My wife is like you, laugh and toss it aside. The days of her trying to deal with step mom are over, as when confronted, she pulls the duck and cover behind dad. We have gotten texts from his phone, only to find out from the kids that its step mom and not dad. They have witnessed that. Dad has little knowledge of her 'digs.' So like I said, wife doesnt deal with her anymore. Thats a load off my shoulders. So, I guess its license for me to do same.

 

[wbarkhur]

Have you looked at the laws in your state regarding the age of your son? In some states(I know in mine it is 14) the kids can choose which parent they want to live with, and even if they want to visit the other parent. Just a thought. Good luck.

 

[CdnCarrie]

The kid's 17?? Make him get a job and pay for his own lost book!

 

[mickey&minniealways]

In NH if they get in trouble they are treated as an adult at the age of 17.

 

[JenniJ]

I would check the laws. If the son wants to live with you at the age of 17 he should have a say. That could be presented in mediation. Somethimes you can book the mediation and if the other side doesn't show that just shows the judge who is really there for the child.
This worked for me. After YEARS of court, I finally got DD. It was a hard battle, but somethings are more important than the cost. If it is really important that you have it in the papers that he lives with you, then I would go for it. But if everything is working well how it is, then don't sweat it.
I don't fight my ex for things anymore, even though he is supposed to pay for all the medical and school supplies cause in the end the only person suffering is DD. Not that she is older, she see her dad for want he is with no influence from me. I keep my thoughts about him to me and my DH.

And regarding the lost book. He should pay for it. My 16 yr old DD would have to pay or work off paying for the book.
Good luck! I know these issues can wear a person out.

 

[polineedyan]

thanks

 

[lizzyb5280]

You obviously know the whole situation better than we do, and I'm not saying she's not the nutjob you say she is, but just in terms of the fact that she addressed the envelope perhaps she is the one who handles the bulk of the business/finances for the family. I'm not involved in a step-relationship, but my BIL is divorced with a son from the first marriage. My SIL (his new wife) is usually the one signing the money order for the child support, not b/c she's getting involved in monetary things between the bio parents, but just b/c she handles their bills and child support is one of them.

FWIW, I agree making him work off the $$ is a great plan!