Starting over

[DVC Daisy]

I don't really have any advice that has not already been said. All of the PPers have had excellent suggestions.

I just want to give you a and say stay strong

 

[nunzia]

You are so right. The apple cart may as well burst into flames it is so upset. I do have a lawyer. I have a hired one and about 20 friend ones. (I am a legal nurse consultant.) They all tell me to get alimony, and I know they are right after hearing all y'all give me sound reasons why I need to go ahead. Sometimes, I wish I was out for blood. Anger...maybe even some hatred...would make this so much easier. Right now I am just so sad. But you are all right, I should get what I really deserve, not what I browbeat myself into thinking I should settle for. Thanks.

I am just so sorry...you have good advice here, but just wanted to give you a

 

[bdcp]

oh and as far as the credit goes, i would get a checking/savings with a bank/credit union and try and get a credit card though them. i first opened a wellsfargo checking and was able to open a credit card the same day. also try a department store card like Kohls, or Best Buy. Both are very easy to get. I believe i was 20 with barely any credit history when i got a best buy card. Kohls is always good too because you get discounts every month and they have clothes for everyone in the family.

Credit cards rules have completely changed in the last couple of years due to the fact it was so easy to get credit that mainly college kids and those without incomes were racking up bills and never paying them. Now, you have to have income and make enough to ppay all your bills.

Example, DH and I have been married 31 years, everything we have is joint and has been since day 1. When I was a SAHM, I was able to get cc's on my own, based on our household income. Not anymore. I now work, but I make 1/2 what DH makes. I applied for a rewards cc a few months ago and was turned down because my income wasn't sufficient for ALL OUR bills. I could not apply jointly for this card. DH applied the next day and was approved online immediately. This has become a big issue for couples recently. While our bills/debt is joint, they won't recognize our income as such for a cc. This only applies to cc's. Loans can be joint. This was a stupid mistake that needs to be fixed, but the point is you can't get a card without sufficient income anymore.

 

[Karenj2]

I guess I didn't think about putting it away from the girls. To be honest, I am worried about upsetting the apple cart, if that makes any sense? I just worry that once he sees how much he is required to pay for child support he will freak out bad enough to make my getting any alimony a nightmare. I don't want him to get mad and withhold their money because he's mad he has to pay me. I know that sounds weak, and I guess it is in a way. Okay backbone, stiffen up and listen.

I think y'all have me convinced on the alimony (or maintenance, lol). I see now where I should take what I can get, if not for myself, at least for the kids.

You are so right. The apple cart may as well burst into flames it is so upset. I do have a lawyer. I have a hired one and about 20 friend ones. (I am a legal nurse consultant.) They all tell me to get alimony, and I know they are right after hearing all y'all give me sound reasons why I need to go ahead. Sometimes, I wish I was out for blood. Anger...maybe even some hatred...would make this so much easier. Right now I am just so sad. But you are all right, I should get what I really deserve, not what I browbeat myself into thinking I should settle for. Thanks.

From your signature, it looks like you homeschool? If that's the case, think of the alimony as your salary for homeschooling your children. If you didn't homeschool, you might be able to get a job that would allow you to support yourself AND your kids. By getting alimony, you're able to continue to raise the children the way you and your husband had originally planned to.

And , just because. Good luck with the whole thing! Listen to your lawyer friends!!

(And may I mention that since it sounds like you're new to being in control of your finances, now is the BEST time to get started on a budget. There are budgeting programs out there like Mint.com (free) and YNAB.com ($60 one time cost, which I use), and Dave Ramsy and Susie Orman(?) are good financial gurus to listen to.)

 

[Nature Mom]

i agree with everyone here. collect alimony and child support. Child support is for your kids, aliamony is for the kids and yourself so you can continue to live comfortably like you were before. Just because you are going through this nasty procedure, doesn't mean you should have to be stressed out about money issues or how are you going to pay rent or put food on the table with one income. And always remember, that even if he agrees legally to pay you a certain amount of $$ each month, doesn't mean he will continue doing it. So I would put money in a savings account. whatever money you don't need or any extra money. Just incase something happens where your ex will be a jerk or if he has new interest or whatever the case may be. he may be mad but i'm sure years down the road if you guys are more on friendly terms, he will understand why you had to do what you did. You are entitled to do especially the child support. its not free to have kids. and if he doesn't pay, go to family court and they could deduct wages from his job. you have to think about you and the kids. the kids are your main priority.

You are right, the kids are my main priority. Thank you.

oh and as far as the credit goes, i would get a checking/savings with a bank/credit union and try and get a credit card though them. i first opened a wellsfargo checking and was able to open a credit card the same day. also try a department store card like Kohls, or Best Buy. Both are very easy to get. I believe i was 20 with barely any credit history when i got a best buy card. Kohls is always good too because you get discounts every month and they have clothes for everyone in the family.

I am going to try to get one through the credit union. Thanks.

I don't really have any advice that has not already been said. All of the PPers have had excellent suggestions.

I just want to give you a and say stay strong

Thank you. I am trying. Some days are good and I feel like I can take this on, other days it hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel paralyzed. So many lies, so much deceit, heartbreak. I never thought I would be here.

I am just so sorry...you have good advice here, but just wanted to give you a

Thank you. I need all the hugs I can get.

Credit cards rules have completely changed in the last couple of years due to the fact it was so easy to get credit that mainly college kids and those without incomes were racking up bills and never paying them. Now, you have to have income and make enough to ppay all your bills.

Example, DH and I have been married 31 years, everything we have is joint and has been since day 1. When I was a SAHM, I was able to get cc's on my own, based on our household income. Not anymore. I now work, but I make 1/2 what DH makes. I applied for a rewards cc a few months ago and was turned down because my income wasn't sufficient for ALL OUR bills. I could not apply jointly for this card. DH applied the next day and was approved online immediately. This has become a big issue for couples recently. While our bills/debt is joint, they won't recognize our income as such for a cc. This only applies to cc's. Loans can be joint. This was a stupid mistake that needs to be fixed, but the point is you can't get a card without sufficient income anymore.

Well, I guess it is the good thing that credit card companies have tightened up so they don't experience such rampant defaults like they have in the recent years, but yeah, it will be harder for me to get one on my salary alone right now. Thanks for your input.

From your signature, it looks like you homeschool? If that's the case, think of the alimony as your salary for homeschooling your children. If you didn't homeschool, you might be able to get a job that would allow you to support yourself AND your kids. By getting alimony, you're able to continue to raise the children the way you and your husband had originally planned to.

And , just because. Good luck with the whole thing! Listen to your lawyer friends!!

(And may I mention that since it sounds like you're new to being in control of your finances, now is the BEST time to get started on a budget. There are budgeting programs out there like Mint.com (free) and YNAB.com ($60 one time cost, which I use), and Dave Ramsy and Susie Orman(?) are good financial gurus to listen to.)

I do homeschool our youngest. She has a LD and a few other problems and I left my job at the law firm to be home to homeschool her. I had to change my whole life to meet her needs, so yeah, you are right, I should think of it like a salary! All my work is done from home now, which means a lot less money than I made before, although I have started a few new things to work from home and in time I know that they will grow and prosper as long as I work hard at them and put the effort into them to make these new opportunities flourish.

I have listened to both Suzie Orman and Dave Ramsey before and found good advice, I will look and see what I can find of theirs to help me through this new stage. Thanks, never heard of Mint.com but I will definitely check it out.

Thanks for the advice from you and everyone. I really appreciate it.

 

[2disneyboys]

OP - Hugs to you! I've never been in the situation that you are going into so I can't offer any "been there done that" advice, however, I do know (personally) how easy it is to settle or browbeat yourself into less that you deserve (treatment, love, money, respect, etc) It's very hard for me to prioritize myself FIRST.. I always want to put the kids, job, husband, etc first and then I deal with the leftovers. This is something I am aware of and working activly to get a healthy balance of. It's still hard as it goes against my nature.

I"m glad your taking steps to make YOU happy. Child support is a given..you are taking care of both of your children. Almony/maintenance is also a given. Think of how your life may would be different if you had not had the realtionship you've been in. Perhaps different choices would have been made, different sacrifices would have been made. While I don't agree with "going for the blood", there is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting what is fairly yours.

This is also the perfect time to establish a budget for your new life. There are some excellent free resources available online and at the library. Once you find a style that works for you, you may have to "upgrade" by paying a little extra to get all of the details to that plan, or you may be able to take away enough knowledge for free to handle your needs. Differnt styles/guru's work better for different people. if while reading/listening/researching the style just seems wrong or "uncomfortable" then that style doesn't work for you.. try something else..Once you have some sort of budget in place, it will be excellent if you don't need all or most of the child support/maintenance payments - put them away each month or as much as them as you can. You can use this cushion to provide extra's to your children should that an option. In addition, you can use them to help build some security for your future/retirement. From what I understand the time line of payments for both of these (child support/maintenace) is limited so they won't always be there (I may be wrong here.. no personal experience!)

Either way OP, good luck to you. I hope peace finds you soon.

 

[Mrs. Bradbury]

Thank you. I am trying. Some days are good and I feel like I can take this on, other days it hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel paralyzed. So many lies, so much deceit, heartbreak. I never thought I would be here.

I wasn't going to post because the PPs have given you excellent, heartfelt advice but once I saw this, I felt I should.

You had mentioned not wanting to upset the applecart - please mow down that applecart with a bulldozer and don't look back. You can make peace later, if it turns out you really want to. Now is not the time to try to stay friends. Take your lawyer's professional advice (after all, you're paying him/her to give it to you!), and have your lawyer fight and fight hard for everything that is proper for you to receive, and get it in the legal documents. Because here's the thing: don't expect ANYTHING further from him after the divorce is final. You need to get what you can, now.

I apologize to all the divorced men who ARE responsible and ARE involved parents, and do right by their former wives. You're a tiny, tiny minority.

OP, most likely what is going to happen is he's going to land on his feet in every way - financially, socially, etc. - and you're going to be left holding the bag. At some point in the future you're going to want to kiss each one of us full on the lips for strongly encouraging you to take the alimony.

And your husband? He's probably busy hiding assets even as I type.

One more thing - ask your attorney if there is a way to compel your ex to buy a life insurance policy made payable to your children (or their guardian - you) in the event of his death. Because no matter how financially stable he is right now, he may fritter all his wealth away on his newfound freedom (and perhaps remarry) and please, please don't expect your husband to do the right thing and put your kids as beneficiaries to any life insurance policies instead of someone else. This exact thing happened to me - my first husband was a lifetime alcoholic and died at age 50. He spent lavishly on his own lifestyle after our divorce and left our kids high and dry, and his 2nd wife got his lone life insurance policy. This was a few years ago, and my two older kids could desperately use financial help from their father, and would have it, if only I had pushed for this. Social security survivor benefits stop at 18. My kids are looking at tons of student loans, and me tons of parent plus loans, in order for them to finish college, and by throwing away his own life he made his kids' lives immeasurably harder right now.

I apologize if I sound bitter . . . I am a sadder but wiser woman. Please learn from my misfortune.

 

[Nature Mom]

OP - Hugs to you! I've never been in the situation that you are going into so I can't offer any "been there done that" advice, however, I do know (personally) how easy it is to settle or browbeat yourself into less that you deserve (treatment, love, money, respect, etc) It's very hard for me to prioritize myself FIRST.. I always want to put the kids, job, husband, etc first and then I deal with the leftovers. This is something I am aware of and working activly to get a healthy balance of. It's still hard as it goes against my nature.

I"m glad your taking steps to make YOU happy. Child support is a given..you are taking care of both of your children. Almony/maintenance is also a given. Think of how your life may would be different if you had not had the realtionship you've been in. Perhaps different choices would have been made, different sacrifices would have been made. While I don't agree with "going for the blood", there is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting what is fairly yours.

This is also the perfect time to establish a budget for your new life. There are some excellent free resources available online and at the library. Once you find a style that works for you, you may have to "upgrade" by paying a little extra to get all of the details to that plan, or you may be able to take away enough knowledge for free to handle your needs. Differnt styles/guru's work better for different people. if while reading/listening/researching the style just seems wrong or "uncomfortable" then that style doesn't work for you.. try something else..Once you have some sort of budget in place, it will be excellent if you don't need all or most of the child support/maintenance payments - put them away each month or as much as them as you can. You can use this cushion to provide extra's to your children should that an option. In addition, you can use them to help build some security for your future/retirement. From what I understand the time line of payments for both of these (child support/maintenace) is limited so they won't always be there (I may be wrong here.. no personal experience!)

Either way OP, good luck to you. I hope peace finds you soon.

Thank you very much. Good advice and I appreciate it. I hope peace is found soon, too. We need it.

I wasn't going to post because the PPs have given you excellent, heartfelt advice but once I saw this, I felt I should.

You had mentioned not wanting to upset the applecart - please mow down that applecart with a bulldozer and don't look back. You can make peace later, if it turns out you really want to. Now is not the time to try to stay friends. Take your lawyer's professional advice (after all, you're paying him/her to give it to you!), and have your lawyer fight and fight hard for everything that is proper for you to receive, and get it in the legal documents. Because here's the thing: don't expect ANYTHING further from him after the divorce is final. You need to get what you can, now.

I apologize to all the divorced men who ARE responsible and ARE involved parents, and do right by their former wives. You're a tiny, tiny minority.

OP, most likely what is going to happen is he's going to land on his feet in every way - financially, socially, etc. - and you're going to be left holding the bag. At some point in the future you're going to want to kiss each one of us full on the lips for strongly encouraging you to take the alimony.

And your husband? He's probably busy hiding assets even as I type.

One more thing - ask your attorney if there is a way to compel your ex to buy a life insurance policy made payable to your children (or their guardian - you) in the event of his death. Because no matter how financially stable he is right now, he may fritter all his wealth away on his newfound freedom (and perhaps remarry) and please, please don't expect your husband to do the right thing and put your kids as beneficiaries to any life insurance policies instead of someone else. This exact thing happened to me - my first husband was a lifetime alcoholic and died at age 50. He spent lavishly on his own lifestyle after our divorce and left our kids high and dry, and his 2nd wife got his lone life insurance policy. This was a few years ago, and my two older kids could desperately use financial help from their father, and would have it, if only I had pushed for this. Social security survivor benefits stop at 18. My kids are looking at tons of student loans, and me tons of parent plus loans, in order for them to finish college, and by throwing away his own life he made his kids' lives immeasurably harder right now.

I apologize if I sound bitter . . . I am a sadder but wiser woman. Please learn from my misfortune.

I don't think you sound bitter, I think you speak from pure experience and I appreciate you telling me that. I do think he is hiding assets (my attorney plans on making him declare everything but I still think he will have stuff sneaked away) and he does keep landing on his feet, even after some of the things he has done that would make me think 'okay, he has to be accountable now'. He is also an alcoholic, albeit in recovery now (again). Your post really hit a few nails on the head for me and my eyes see a little clearer this afternoon. Thank you for sharing your experiences.