Spin off - What exactly is a baby shower?

[rie'smom]

It looks like multiple showers may be more of a regional idea. We live in the South but in our area unless there's a large gap between the first 2 children, there is only a shower given for a first baby.
For subsequent babies, we have a coffee or tea and it is held after the baby is born. Usually only close family and maybe a few of the new mother's closest friends are invited.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I guess, there are varying opinions on what is acceptable and what's not. The ones who think it's okay... can attend. And, the ones who think it's tacky...can decline the invite.

**edited to add**It also looks like there are different ideas of "what a shower is". A large affair with many acquaintances....to small intimate celebrations with close friends and family.

 

[*BTMRR*]

Spin off of the 2nd baby shower thread...

Around here we have baby showers for 2nd, 3rd, 4th babies, etc. all the time. No one thinks aything about it. No one considers it tacky - it's just what we do. In the 2nd baby shower thread, people mentioned that a small party with 5-10 close friends would be acceptable, but shower would not be. This got me thinking. I must not have any idea what a baby shower actually is!

For all babies (1st, 2nd) the girl's closest 2-3 friends host a shower at one of thier homes. They get a cake, cut up some fruit, and make some punch. The grandparents of the new baby are invited as well as about 10 other really good friends. We all get together, eat said cake, play silly games, and give the mother-to-be a gift that values about $10 - $25. Sometimes 3-4 people will go in together and get a bigger ticket item. Invitation are sent out via evites or on the phone.

It's all very low key - even for first babies. The people who are invited would be giving the new mom a gift anyway. These are all people who are good friends of the new mom and each other actually. We tend to celebrate everything though.

So given this discription, I am very confused why it ok to celebrate the first baby, but not second babies. That got me thinking - maybe I have no idea what a baby shower actually is - and we are doing it "all wrong"

Those of you who think that 2nd baby showers are tacky and rude - please explain to me what actually goes down at a baby shower, and then maybe I can understand why 2nd baby showers are tacky.

This is precisely how it is where I've lived (or, at least, in my circles of friends)--I've lived mostly in California and elsewhere in the southwest if that means anything.

 

[rparmfamily]

TriMom--your description is exactly how showers are around here too. I just had one in April for my 3rd. Here's pics from my blog LOL. http://sparm.blogspot.com/2009_04_01_archive.html

Now my kids have a big age spread, perhaps to others that would acceptable (my youngest was nearly 7 when my new one was born and I had zero baby stuff left as this was a wonderful surprise! LOL) BUT I've been to many showers where the mom has a 15 mo old or 2 yr old,etc. No one even bats an eye about it. These are all casual affairs as described above...punch, finger foods, cake, few games, and lots of laughs.

 

[aprilgail2]

I can't say I have ever been to a shower with "finger food" or punch. Typically its out in a restaurant party room or a hall, occasionally someone has one in there house (I think I have been to one in a home) but it is always a full meal, sometimes open bar, last one I went to had a DJ and dancing which was a nice change from those party games!

Here either, where showers are given for the 1st and not (usually) for any after.
Poor men, I guess no matter where they are they don't get to enjoy the celebration

I had my baby shower ten years ago and I had men at mine- my brother, brother in law and a few male friends were in attendance! They also knew how I HATED those silly party games so they didn't torture my guests with those!

I am really trying to figure this out! Are you expected to show up with a gift ranging from a $75 high chair to a $300 baby bed???

Yes- typically the grandparents, god parents to be, siblings, close friends etc buy the big items. I know 4 girls at my job chipped in and bought me a co-sleeper. Grandma bought me a crib set, my brother bought a crib, godmother to be bought the car seat/stroller combo and godfather to be bought the oak high chair that was on my registry.

 

[Angelhalo]

Baby showers are to get a family started on the things they need when they are having a baby. All the big equipment that a couple doesn't have prior to getting pregnant is given, along with anything else that is needed. There isn't a second shower because the parents pretty much have everything they need already. It doesn't mean the first baby, or any others aren't celebrated, its just done differently. I have a question for all the posters who live in regions where its the norm to have a shower as a celebration of the baby, is the father in attendance, and other male family and friends?

See here a baby shower is not about the gifts. There are gifts given usually but the purpose of the shower isn't SOLELY to provide for the family. It isn't to stock them up on this and that (although that DOES happen).

Thats why its not odd to have a shower for each pregnancy. Of course the mother will get gifts at each shower, but the point of the shower is to celebrate a pregnancy and give the mom one last chance to hang out with friends for a while before things get hectic.

Lord have mercy, if the shower is all about presents, then even the first one is rude! Parent's need to start buying the things they'll need as soon as they find out that they will be parents, not throw a party and expect people to bring all the items they'll need for raising a baby! No wonder people in other regions find showers for 2nd and 3rd babies to be tacky. If we were focusing on the gifts maybe it would be tacky. But, here in our region, its just not about the gifts, it's about celebration and fellowship with friends and family.

 

[luvmy3]

See here a baby shower is not about the gifts. There are gifts given usually but the purpose of the shower isn't SOLELY to provide for the family. It isn't to stock them up on this and that (although that DOES happen).

Thats why its not odd to have a shower for each pregnancy. Of course the mother will get gifts at each shower, but the point of the shower is to celebrate a pregnancy and give the mom one last chance to hang out with friends for a while before things get hectic.

Lord have mercy, if the shower is all about presents, then even the first one is rude! Parent's need to start buying the things they'll need as soon as they find out that they will be parents, not throw a party and expect people to bring all the items they'll need for raising a baby! No wonder people in other regions find showers for 2nd and 3rd babies to be tacky. If we were focusing on the gifts maybe it would be tacky. But, here in our region, its just not about the gifts, it's about celebration and fellowship with friends and family.

Like a pp said, the traditional reason for a shower (for any occasion) was to help provide needed things for the honored family. The shower is not all about, or just about the gifts, it is still a celebration to honor the mother and her first child. Its just that after the 1st, it doesn't seem necessary to have a *shower*, but the baby is still celebrated again like a pp said, with other kinds of parties after the he/she is born.
I hope my post didn't come across like its all about the gifts, because thats not what I meant. I was just saying what the actual purpose of a shower is, we still do the things everyone else does. We eat, play games and just enjoy spending time with everyone.
I also don't find having a shower for any baby past the first as tacky, I just think that different regions have different traditions. I believe someone mentioned in the other shower post that the only way it would be tacky is if the mother threw one herself, that would definitely be tacky

 

[MIGrandma]

I live in Michigan and grew up with people feeling a baby shower for the first born child is appropriate, but not for the 2nd, 3rd, etc. It's just not done here, most of the time. Unless there is a huge span of time between the first and second child, so much so that the parents have given away all their baby stuff so when the second child comes along (that maybe wasn't planned) and they no longer have any baby items then someone will give them a second shower because of that.

I don't really think a second, third, etc. shower is really "tacky" or "rude". I mean if someone wants to throw someone a shower and people want to come, that's fine. Why should I care? Some people feel it's a good excuse to have a party. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Disney Doll]

Generally around here there is only a shower for the 1st baby, but I would have no problem going to a shower for a 2nd or 3rd baby. I am of the mindset that 2nd and 3rd babies deserve some new stuff too!

I am kind of glad not to be friends with the Duggars though. I htink I'd get alittle tired of #16, #17, #18 baby showers!

 

[tiggger1]

I am from MA and most of the showers that I have been to here ( including my own) are held in some sort of hall/restaurant with a full meal ( usually a buffet). There are usually 50-75 people and we do play a few games but mainly it is a huge get-together to celebrate.

 

[mjkacmom]

A baby shower is held at someone's home sometimes, but usually a restaurant, where a full meal is served. Most gifts are in the $30 - $50 range, and are usually bought off of the registery. Invitations are usually given to those who attended the bridal shower, plus or minus. Maybe it's because I live in the NYC metro area, but we don't play games.

My gf across the street is (accidently) pregnant, and she has a 5 and 6 year old. We have a nice group of mommy friends, and I'm considering bringing up having a casual shower for her, since she got rid of all of her stuff.

 

[puffkin]

Here in PA we don't really do 2nd or 3rd showers unless there is an odd circumstance like a HUGE age gap or multiples or something like that.

The first shower is usually a large affair...usually in a rented hall, church social hall, etc. At a minimum are "pickies" and cake, but usually it is some kind of meal. Most have extended family, friends, coworkers, etc invited. Generally the mom-to-be receives a lot of the larger things like stroller, car seat, high chair, pack-n-play etc. Most people will go together to buy the larger items. For example, my aunt and cousins went together on the pack-n-play but then each got me a small thing as well.

It is pretty much expected for you to keep all the large items for subsequent children. Usually after babies 2 and 3 etc are born it is customary to give a small gift for that baby when you go to visit them or shortly before/after the baby is born. Usually clothes or something smaller is given. But there is no formal shower.

I have no problem with a small get together before a baby is born, kind of like a mommy's day out before the 2nd or 3rd baby with some close friends and relatives. But a full blown shower seems a bit tacky IMHO.

 

[johnsontrio]

Replying from Michigan. Having grown up in the South I can vouch that there are definitely regional differences when it comes to showers and weddings.

Here in Michigan I have never been invited to a wedding, shower, baptism, or anniversary party that did not include a full meal. In fact, I can't recall DD 15 ever being invited to a birthday party that did not include a full meal.

Most showers I attend are either in a restaurant, hall or someone's home usually in the afternoon on a Sunday. If they are intended for both sides of the family, there may be up to 100 people. Wedding showers are often split, one for the bride's family and one for the groom's family or split into a family shower and maybe a shower for the friends from work or couples shower.

Usually baby showers include both sides of the family. If the shower is at someone's home it is usually outside in nicer weather under a large tent with a full meal. The hall or restaurant showers usually include liquor or cash bar or at the minimum some sort of punch. A baby shower gift would range from $40 to $100 depending on the relationship.

I remember attending a wedding in TN that was held in the early afternoon. The reception was held in the church social area and they served finger sandwiches and punch. It was over in about an hour. I have never even heard of a wedding like that here in Michigan. Maybe a can talk DD into one like that and we can save a bundle of $$.

Since baby showers here are a big production and expensive, it is not the norm to have another shower for subsequent children. The exception would be for a child born many years later. All children would have baptism parties and most people would send a baby gift when the child is born.

 

[pyrxtc]

It is not the norm here to have a shower for any child after the first. The cost you spend on a present is usually at least $50 if you are a friend or more distant relative, the closer you are the more you spend. Parties are in someones house , if it's big enough, and we serve lots of different foods, meatballs, pasta, junks food, small sandwhiches, desserts, fruit and whateveer. They are a dry affair tho, no alcohol. I spent about $140 for my SIL recently and still have lots of little things to give when the baby is born. The 2nd, 3rd, etc children get little things after they are born when we go an see them for the first time and at their christening and things liek that just as the first does. They are not less celebrated but Mom and Dad should still have all the major things from the first and maybe just need a couple new outfits or diapers. Christening gifts in my family are savings bonds, normally $100 plus a small something.

 

[pearlieq]

the shower is really intended to welcome the guest of honor into motherhood.

Bingo. The shower is not about the baby, it's about the mom. It's a celebration of becoming a mother, which only happens once.

Babies aren't welcomed and their lives aren't celebrated at showers. Those things occur as people come and see the baby after its born, at religious ceremonies, and at the child's 1st birthday party.

In my circles, the baby shower is a fairly big event. It's held at either a restaurant, hall, or larger home. All of your female relatives, friends, and co-workers that you socialize with outside of work (unless they are throwing a work shower for you) are invited, so the guest list is often at least 30-40 people. The mom-to-be registers for gifts. A meal is served, games are played, the cake is cut, and presents are opened. Presents range from $25 to $200 or more, with the average being about $40-$50.

Someone who would do accept more than one such party would come across to me as someone who likes gifts and being the center of attention and is willing to trespass on good taste and their friends' generosity to get it.

Second babies are usually given gifts from close friends and family after they're born and sometimes a few VERY close friends will take the mom to be out shortly before the birth for a "last hurrah" lunch or dinner. Other than that, though, it's one shower and done.

 

[Disney Doll]

I forgot...

Much like wedding showers, baby showers in my area run the gamut from a cozy little home shower to a big splashy restaurant/catering hall thing. Truthfully, I am starting to like the home-based ones better...they feel more intimate or something. Of course, they are more work for the hostess, but can often be done with less expense.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

Chiming in from Maine that we do showers basically as the OP described and fully appropriate for first and subsequent children. (Will throw in too, I lived in a military community in Germany {read- a mishmosh of Americans from around the US} and we had showers for non-first children as well.) Personally, I consider showers a celebration of the a new life and each new little one should have one.

Normal gift is $25 or under, though grandparents will often get stroller/car seat, etc. (Even for beyond first kids- sometimes the first is still using the car seat, or there's a need for a double stroller, etc.) As OP said, pretty much something the friend/relative would be giving for the baby anyway. More fun to do it as a group with some food and community involved.

I have never been to a shower that had anything more than fingerfoods/cake. Almost always at someone's home, though I've been to a couple at a community center just for space considerations.

 

[rparmfamily]

Chiming in from Maine that we do showers basically as the OP described and fully appropriate for first and subsequent children. (Will throw in too, I lived in a military community in Germany {read- a mishmosh of Americans from around the US} and we had showers for non-first children as well.) Personally, I consider showers a celebration of the a new life and each new little one should have one.

Normal gift is $25 or under, though grandparents will often get stroller/car seat, etc. (Even for beyond first kids- sometimes the first is still using the car seat, or there's a need for a double stroller, etc.) As OP said, pretty much something the friend/relative would be giving for the baby anyway. More fun to do it as a group with some food and community involved.

I have never been to a shower that had anything more than fingerfoods/cake. Almost always at someone's home, though I've been to a couple at a community center just for space considerations.

Ditto!! I'm in Hawaii, which is like in being overseas in that no one has any family within about 5,000 miles LOL. So we are each others family, as you know. I think I go to about 1-2 showers a month. And ALL of them are for subsequent children!!

 

[pigletgirl]

Well around here at least they didnt' do subsequent showers for baby #2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ect. Its more customary to do a welcome to the family type event after the baby is born. Usually gifts aren't given unless its the first boy or girl......

 

[aprilgail2]

Here in Michigan I have never been invited to a wedding, shower, baptism, or anniversary party that did not include a full meal. In fact, I can't recall DD 15 ever being invited to a birthday party that did not include a full meal.


I remember attending a wedding in TN that was held in the early afternoon. The reception was held in the church social area and they served finger sandwiches and punch. It was over in about an hour. I have never even heard of a wedding like that here in Michigan. Maybe a can talk DD into one like that and we can save a bundle of $$.
rn.

Kids birthday parties here always include a full meal- never been to one where they didn't feed the kids and any parents that stayed.

I went to a wedding like that in Virginia-the family still talks about going to a wedding reception that we actually had to leave from to fgo get food LOL..unheard of here to now have a sit down dinner for a wedding reception...punch and cake just don't cut it LOL!