Spending money...

[la79al]

As a stepmother, I can honestly say that I do not expect my stepkids mom to send money with them when we go on trips (or anywhere else). Sometimes she does and that is nice but she usually does not. If it is a bigger trip (the beach, WDW, etc), I make sure that the kids have saved up money they get here (from my family and DHs family for birthdays/Christmas, etc) or I give them extra opportunities in the weeks leading up to the trip to earn extra money from DH or I. Once they get where we are going, the money is theirs to spend how they want. I have more important things to worry about than making sure 'our money' is only spent on people here and 'her money' is only spent on people there. I do however make sure the kids realize that when the money is gone, it is gone. And, even though the children I gave birth to are significantly younger than my stepchildren, I also try to make sure that when we are all somewhere together, they all have the same amount of spending money. I try to not be an ATM for my DDs while the stepkids are walking around counting their pennies. And to answer your original question, would I send money with my kids if they went with their dad? It depends on the kid. My stepdaughter for example would spend all of hers within the first day or two on candy and still not be able to get something neat, regardless of how much money she had.

 

[Colleen27]

I wouldn't, especially not when there are other kids involved. I would trust that the child's father would provide spending money in a way/amount that is fair to all. When DS14 goes places with his dad he's one of four kids - him, his two teenage step-siblings, and his 5yo half-brother. I don't send money partly because I feel that when he's with his dad he's his dad's financial responsibility and partly because I don't want to encourage the conflict that comes from one kid always having more than the others.

I also don't expect that he'll bring back souvenirs for me and his little sisters every time he goes somewhere with his dad, so that isn't an issue in how he spends whatever money his father gives him.

 

[RockAndRollBallerina]

After my parents divorced my mom always took my sister and I on vacations, and my dad never sent either of us with spending money.

 

[STAYC18]

no we are giving them spending money but when it gone ....but i would hate for them to use their spending money to buy their mother, step dad, and 2 siblings souvieres (sp)...thats all... i think it would be rather nice if their mother gave them $$ and said pick us out something...

OK did no one see my second post....WE ARE GIVING THEM SPENDING MONEY AND I NEVER SAID THE MOTHER HAD TO SUPPLY ALL THEIR SPENDING MONEY....

I would think if she wanted to make sure her children bring back souvenirs for their other siblings, she would give them some money to pick up those items for them...if not then i will make sure they pick out a magnet and some candy for their mom, step dad and brother and sister...

i never said she wouldn't either...i was just looking for someone who sent their children with their dads and if they gave them some money to bring back souvenirs for that side of the family... THATS ALL

I know if my husband (if he was an X) took my son, i would send him with money to bring me, my mother (his Nana), and my sister (his Auntie) something back...and not expect my X to have to buy those gifts...

Thank you...

 

[luvmy2babies]

Make it simple. Give them the money you plan to give them and tell them when it's gone it's gone.

How old are they? Your ticker says this trip is 5 months away. Has a request come in from the mom for souvenirs already? If mom, stepdad or siblings from mom are requesting souvenirs yes the money "should" come from there. If the children just decide they want to get them something, that's another thing.

I think you have to just keep emphasizing to them that when the money is gone it's gone. Even if you have to bring it up each time they are looking at something (more or less accoring to their ages).

I very carefully monitor my daughter. If I don't, she'll pick something we could get here. Our Wal-Marts carry a lot of Disney stuff, plus we have a Disney store in our local mall. I won't allow her to buy anything we can get at either of those places. That eliminates almost everything she has a desire for and she might end up buying 1 or 2 things. Truth be told, her favorite souvenirs are the photos we take and the autographs she collects. So, a good souvenir for their mom might be a picture of them in front of each park's landmark.

I have two stepchildren. They are adults now, but when they visited us as children they didn't bring spending money from their mom. We didn't do a trip like this, but we went plenty of places with souvenirs. They never bought anyone else anything though. What bothered dh was that they had to fly here for visits and every time after we'd paid for the plane tickets, she'd drop them off at the airport with no money.

 

[marmalade]

OK did no one see my second post....WE ARE GIVING THEM SPENDING MONEY AND I NEVER SAID THE MOTHER HAD TO SUPPLY ALL THEIR SPENDING MONEY....

I would think if she wanted to make sure her children bring back souvenirs for their other siblings, she would give them some money to pick up those items for them...if not then i will make sure they pick out a magnet and some candy for their mom, step dad and brother and sister...

i never said she wouldn't either...i was just looking for someone who sent their children with their dads and if they gave them some money to bring back souvenirs for that side of the family... THATS ALL

I know if my husband (if he was an X) took my son, i would send him with money to bring me, my mother (his Nana), and my sister (his Auntie) something back...and not expect my X to have to buy those gifts...

Thank you...

I wouldn't let this bother you to much. This is a family trip and I wouldn't let something as silly as buying souvenirs for your DH's ex from their kids get to you so much. Based on the "internet" tone of your posts (I could be reading them wrong) it sounds like this is a hot button issue for you. In the grand scheme of things how much money are they really going to spend $50-$100, is it really worth stressing over?

Just plan your trip NOT expecting anything from the ex and plan on giving the kids a set dollar amount and let them know that is all they get and when it's gone it's gone. You will hold less resentment if you don't expect anything at all.

 

[tms295psu]

Spinning off of what someone else posted about using "photos as Bio-Mom's souvie"... You can get a 4x6 1 hr photo book printed @ walmart for under $10.

If the kid wants to get mom something, offer to make a photo book and have it printed when you get home!

 

[Kidanikiki]

I think it would be hard to know my step siblings were going to Disney and I wasn't! That said, I think it would be a nice gesture if you picked out a small souvenir for the two of them. It is a gesture I bet you would appreciate if the shoe was on the other foot!
As far as something for their mom and step dad, I wouldn't even bother.

Have a great trip!

 

[DreamlikeCat]

Exactly...i just don;t know why people on here didn"t understand that...

Sounds like you were not looking for advice, but rather validation.

We're taking my step-son to WDW and his mother and step dad are not paying a dime to help get him there. He's getting the same amount of money & souvenirs as my other two children.

If he wants to spend money for a gift for his Mom and Step Dad and it's not a ridiculous amount of money... first of all it's not my place to say a word about it. Second of all, LET the kid spend it how he wants. (Within reason, of course.)

If kids are kind enough to want to spend THEIR money on making someone else feel happy, no matter WHO it is, why would you want to discourage that?

My advice is... suck it up, buttercup. You are going to have to deal with the "other family" for a long time. Don't worry about whether they're spending your fifty bucks on the ex and siblings. Enjoy your vacation instead.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

If kids are kind enough to want to spend THEIR money on making someone else feel happy, no matter WHO it is, why would you want to discourage that?

Precisely!

 

[STAYC18]

Sounds like you were not looking for advice, but rather validation.

We're taking my step-son to WDW and his mother and step dad are not paying a dime to help get him there. He's getting the same amount of money & souvenirs as my other two children.

If he wants to spend money for a gift for his Mom and Step Dad and it's not a ridiculous amount of money... first of all it's not my place to say a word about it. Second of all, LET the kid spend it how he wants. (Within reason, of course.)

If kids are kind enough to want to spend THEIR money on making someone else feel happy, no matter WHO it is, why would you want to discourage that?

My advice is... suck it up, buttercup. You are going to have to deal with the "other family" for a long time. Don't worry about whether they're spending your fifty bucks on the ex and siblings. Enjoy your vacation instead.

i'm not discouraging anything...they can spend it on what they want...i just don't want them to go without getting what they want cuz they spent all their money on others...if they don't bring it up and only wanna buy for themselves, i will sugguest a small trinket for the siblings and something small for the mom and step dad and i will purchase it....not the end of the world...

i was just asking if you were to send your kids and would like something for them to bring back for siblings, etc....if you would give them money for it...

 

[Nancyg56]

i'm not discouraging anything...they can spend it on what they want...i just don't want them to go without getting what they want cuz they spent all their money on others...if they don't bring it up and only wanna buy for themselves, i will sugguest a small trinket for the siblings and something small for the mom and step dad and i will purchase it....not the end of the world...

i was just asking if you were to send your kids and would like something for them to bring back for siblings, etc....if you would give them money for it...

I am not a stepparent and I was not a stepchild. Okay, now with that out of the way I think that you need to step back and really look at your posts. These children have no control over anything that their parents do. They were not included in the original decision for their parents to divorce and I doubt they were consulted in the decision for their father to remarry. They were not part of the discussion to have additional siblings and they cannot choose where to live or who to live with. They must figure out how to be part of a new family.

You might just stop worrying about the Mother's decision to send or not send money and stop worrying how the children spend the money you give them. If they want to share their vacation by purchasing gifts for their siblings I think that is nice. Quite honestly, I know I would be the one buying gifts for those kids, but that is just me.

I married a man who had no kids and most of his family never really accepted my kids. They resented that my DH considered the kids his and treated them that way. If you reached out and just bought the children a gift then you would make huge strides in removing strain on your stepchildren IMO.

Several years ago I was on a ME bus with my family. We were so excited to be on the way to our resort and my DGD was besides herself This was her third trip and she was still a Disney Princess. She was clearly the center of all our Universe. A young couple boarded with an infant and a little girl. You know the ones..........new family but forced to bring the child from the first marriage along. She was about three and terrified. The "family sat together and sent the little girl down to sit with me. A man behind the man offered to move and was told no. This little girl held her little toy and told me it was how she did not cry. I spent the ride talking about the characters on the video and showing her sights from the bus window. My heart still breaks for this little girl who was included on the vacation but clearly not wanted.

I am not saying that you are doing this but there is a fair amount of resentment that pours from your posts. If we can read it then your stepchildren can feel it and they know it. If you can take one more step out of your comfort zone and stop worrying if the kids spend "your" money on the other side you will be giving them a greater gift than the trip itself. The last thing the kids should feel is guilty for loving their Mom and siblings and torn between buying a gift for them or spending money on themselves for souvenirs. Who knows? You might find that your Disney pals are your stepchildren.

 

[RitaE]

The small picture frames (4 x 6 and the 3 x 5) are not very expensive. They even have the magnetic ones for refrigerators. Have the kids pick one out, take their picture in front of the castle, print it out at Walgreens and put it in the frame. Instant souvenir. Maybe even add in a couple of postcards.

There's no reason to spend a fortune and there's no reason the kids can't take something home for their Mom.

 

[ZehnJahren]

OK did no one see my second post....WE ARE GIVING THEM SPENDING MONEY AND I NEVER SAID THE MOTHER HAD TO SUPPLY ALL THEIR SPENDING MONEY....

I would think if she wanted to make sure her children bring back souvenirs for their other siblings, she would give them some money to pick up those items for them...if not then i will make sure they pick out a magnet and some candy for their mom, step dad and brother and sister...

i never said she wouldn't either...i was just looking for someone who sent their children with their dads and if they gave them some money to bring back souvenirs for that side of the family... THATS ALL

I know if my husband (if he was an X) took my son, i would send him with money to bring me, my mother (his Nana), and my sister (his Auntie) something back...and not expect my X to have to buy those gifts...

Thank you...

I read your second post; and that is why I said this:

That being said, Mom COULD send money, but the kids are going with Dad. If he wants to be amicable and helpful to his children, then if they ask for a few dollars to buy mom a present, it should be given.

My mom always gave me money if I was going with my dad somewhere; it wasn't for souvenirs for her, it was for me, but it only made me want to get her something. My father didn't ever volunteer to give me one red cent when I went anywhere with my mom; he didn't think it was "his duty". And that is one of the reasons I said this:

My mom was very giving when it came to my dad when I was a kid after their divorce, my dad was very UNgiving. Who do you think I'm closer to, now that I'm older?

So those are my answers to your questions. You might believe it's up to you to send money if it were your children going with their dad (or whatever), but if you didn't and little Junior was wanting to buy you a $10 snowglobe while on a magical trip, it would be WONDERFUL that the kids didn't feel any added stress when wishing they could purchase something for their family back home, regardless of whose family it was in.

Even when a marriage breaks up, the people who were in it have a very serious obligation to make certain that the children are still made to feel that both mom and dad's families are THEIR families - and if that means spending $30 on a gift for mom, then that requires being the bigger person and swallowing whatever feelings might be harbored between the exes. After all, the people being married joined their families when they signed that marriage certificate; once kids are born, those ties are permanent. That means that a little of mom's money might go to dad presents and a little of dad's money might go to mom presents.

Hope you ALL enjoy your trip!

 

[ZehnJahren]

I am not a stepparent and I was not a stepchild. Okay, now with that out of the way I think that you need to step back and really look at your posts. These children have no control over anything that their parents do. They were not included in the original decision for their parents to divorce and I doubt they were consulted in the decision for their father to remarry. They were not part of the discussion to have additional siblings and they cannot choose where to live or who to live with. They must figure out how to be part of a new family.

You might just stop worrying about the Mother's decision to send or not send money and stop worrying how the children spend the money you give them. If they want to share their vacation by purchasing gifts for their siblings I think that is nice. Quite honestly, I know I would be the one buying gifts for those kids, but that is just me.

As a child of divorce (and the one who had to enter a new family), I say "AMEN" to the above.

 

[ccgirl]

so they should use their spending money which will be about $50 on souvies for mom and siblings... i just wanna make sure cuz I will not have extra money for it... $4000 trip you think she could them give 20 bucks or so...really...and before people bite my head off I am funding this trip not my husband...

If that's what they want to do; yes. When my DD goes she frequently spends her money on others and not herself. Why??? According her her, it's because it is better to give than receive and she was lucky enough to go on the trip so she should buy things for people that weren't lucky enough to go.

Does dad send money with kids when mom takes them?

What are you doing with your own children? My sister does not differentiate between here biological son and her stepson.

You are funding the trip...every dime of it? Does your DH not work?

Sounds like you might be a bit bitter.

 

[duffy]

i'm not discouraging anything...they can spend it on what they want...i just don't want them to go without getting what they want cuz they spent all their money on others.

Maybe the intended item, IS what they WANT to buy. Whether it's something for themselves or for others, it's something that they want to buy. So let them!!

Let them buy a souvenir for themselves, or a gift for their mother. Let them buy and give to others. What's wrong with that?

 

[STAYC18]

well thank you all for not answering a simple question...

 

[duffy]

You want an answer to your "simple" question? Here's my answer: No. If dad and his new wife are taking them, let dad and the new wife give them souvenir money.

 

[ccgirl]

well thank you all for not answering a simple question...

But, I think most of us did answer. Most said no, they would not. Then, we elaborated as you did with future posts.

I hope you all have a magical trip.