Spending money...

[marmalade]

So I should purchase the souvies for their mother, step dad and half sister and brother...

I am not a step parent nor do my children have step parents (still married) BUT I was a step child and this is what I "think" I would do:

If my kids were going with DH, yes I would sent them money but I wouldn't expect him to send money if I was taking the kids.

If I had step kids I would buy for them the same as I would my own kids. If the kids were older I would also give them money to buy whatever they wanted, even if it included buying something for their mom.

When it comes to step kids, this is my rule of thumb..... Treat them the way you would want a step parent to treat your own kid in the same situation. No one know if divorce will happen and your kid/kids may be in this situation in a few years and I don't think you would like it if the new wife was treating your kids differently.

 

[Mama Who]

So I should purchase the souvies for their mother, step dad and half sister and brother...

I'm not sure why you're so hung up on that idea. Put that idea away.

YOU should not be purchasing gifts for people who are neither your relatives nor your friends.

YOU should not be responsible for providing spending money for these children. (And on that note, neither is their mother.)

These kids have 2 parents, right? One of those parents is going on the trip? That parent is responsible for spending money for his kids.

If the children choose to spend the money they are given (by dad, mom, you, grandma, whomever) on gifts, that's a choice, just like spending it on mouse ears or a light saber.

It sounds like you really resent Mom not falling in line with your ideas about how this vacation should be handled. Unfortunately, her obligation to you is... zero. She didn't marry you. The parent who did is the one who is required to meet your requests. You really ought to speak to your husband about providing spending money if you don't want to do so yourself.

 

[STAYC18]

geeze....sorry...i just would never send my son somewhere with no money no matter who he was with...

i've been going to Disney for years now, way before I meet and married my husband...and all i ever wanted was to be able to take my own child and now I can but that now also includes my husband and his 2 children from a previous relationship...my husband could careless about going his idea of vacation is staying home...sorry not my idea of vacation...so in order for me to go and doing the right thing i have to take the whole family..right? or not go at all..right?...all i asked if the other parent should give the two girls a little bit of money in order to buy the mom and siblings a souvenir...thats all...thank you all and i should have learned my lesson on here by now, don't ever bring up step children, i don't know what is up with you people but you take something and turn it into somthing it is so not...but whatever thanks again

 

[Maggie'sMom]

geeze....sorry...i just would never send my son somewhere with no money no matter who he was with...

i've been going to Disney for years now, way before I meet and married my husband...and all i ever wanted was to be able to take my own child and now I can but that now also includes my husband and his 2 children from a previous relationship...my husband could careless about going his idea of vacation is staying home...sorry not my idea of vacation...so in order for me to go and doing the right thing i have to take the whole family..right? or not go at all..right?...all i asked if the other parent should give the two girls a little bit of money in order to buy the mom and siblings a souvenir...thats all...thank you all and i should have learned my lesson on here by now, don't ever bring up step children, i don't know what is up with you people but you take something and turn it into somthing it is so not...but whatever thanks again

It's not that you brought up your step-children, but more the way your posts portray your feelings about your step-children. You are distinguishing between "my child" and "his children". When you marry someone with children, those children become a part of your family and should be treated as such. You and your husband are taking your children (all of them) to Disney. It is your decision that you will be taking your entire family to Disney. As such, it is not the responsibility of your step-children's mother to provide them with spending money, unless she is specifically asking that the children buy her something while they are on the trip.

 

[STAYC18]

ok I am pretty sure I said we were giving them spending money so not sure why no one saw that and assumed there father wasn't covering it or me...and I'm pretty sure I didn't portray any feelings about my step-children other than that i would hate to see them spend most of their spending money on getting their mom and sister and brother something...maybe at first you all thought i wanted the mom to give them all there spending money and my second post clearly stated spending money to buy her and her husband sister and brother souvenirs...all i was asking was if thats something me and my husband would be obligated to purchase....so if not and the girls don't wanna spend their money on getting them something then we're not gonna worry about it...sorry I have never been thru this before and all i asked for was guidence not to shot down...

 

[tinkerpea]

geeze....sorry...i just would never send my son somewhere with no money no matter who he was with...

i've been going to Disney for years now, way before I meet and married my husband...and all i ever wanted was to be able to take my own child and now I can but that now also includes my husband and his 2 children from a previous relationship...my husband could careless about going his idea of vacation is staying home...sorry not my idea of vacation...so in order for me to go and doing the right thing i have to take the whole family..right? or not go at all..right?...all i asked if the other parent should give the two girls a little bit of money in order to buy the mom and siblings a souvenir...thats all...thank you all and i should have learned my lesson on here by now, don't ever bring up step children, i don't know what is up with you people but you take something and turn it into somthing it is so not...but whatever thanks again

I totally agree with you I also would NEVER send my child anywhere with out money! Ive also posted on my views about step children and really do not understand some of the views when threads about step-children come up!
the same poster will shot you down for treating the child like you own when they are NOT yours,
and then still shot you down when you call them his/her children
It really grates on me. My children are treated as if they are my hubbys even though they have another dad thats in the picture,He would never not take my twins on holiday or what ever because they are not his and I would never allow him to treat them different,and my kids do all the things they do because my Dh pays for everything for them!........

 

[dzorn]

Question: if your children are going to Disney with their dad would you send them with spending money....

I don't give them spending money when they go with me

They are required to budget money for things they want.

Denise in MI

 

[STAYC18]

geeze....sorry...i just would never send my son somewhere with no money no matter who he was with...

i've been going to Disney for years now, way before I meet and married my husband...and all i ever wanted was to be able to take my own child and now I can but that now also includes my husband and his 2 children from a previous relationship...my husband could careless about going his idea of vacation is staying home...sorry not my idea of vacation...so in order for me to go and doing the right thing i have to take the whole family..right? or not go at all..right?...all i asked if the other parent should give the two girls a little bit of money in order to buy the mom and siblings a souvenir...thats all...thank you all and i should have learned my lesson on here by now, don't ever bring up step children, i don't know what is up with you people but you take something and turn it into somthing it is so not...but whatever thanks again

all those years going to WDW, did I think I would marry someone with kids...No...so yeah i can take my son but i also have to take my step-children...did i marry someone who is a Disney fanatic like me..NO...I bought into DVC years ago hoping one day i would have a family to pass it down too...if i ended up never having a family then I would make sure I was still able to go commando at 80 years old....Could i just take my son and leave my husband home...i sure could...but am I...NO...

 

[marlynnp]

So I should purchase the souvies for their mother, step dad and half sister and brother...

No, you should give the kids spending money and then it is THEIRS to spend however they choose.

 

[STAYC18]

No, you should give the kids spending money and then it is THEIRS to spend however they choose.

thank you...thats all i'm looking for a nice simple answer, but everyone has over analyze everything and make out to be Cinderella's wicked step-mother....

 

[MomRN]

Okay... I get where you are coming from, I really do. I am the primary income earner with a step-daughter. I make vacations happen with my saving and my planning.

My step-daughters mom has never sent her with money for vacation. She may have had money saved from birthdays/Christmas or, more recently from working.

Sometimes she will see something her mom or sister will like and choose to buy it over something for herself. She has never, that I remember, gotten anything for her brothers or stepdad. What she buys with her vacation money is her decision. The only time I have ever said anything about choosing how she spends her money was the time she bought a $50 of cologne for a 2 week boyfriend when she was 13- I made her return that. If she has mentioned souvenirs I usually encourage something that can be bought for the family (candy) or as a pack (suckers) so she's not spending a ton of "her" money on other people.

As far as how you do your vacations... I have taken all of us, just me and my son, will be taking all of us and a friend of my step-daughters in September, and next June am probably going to go to Disneyland with just my son, me, and dh (well, maybe dh). Honestly, I'd rather take my stepdaughter on vacation than my own husband. She enjoys and appreciates it more. There are no rules on who you have to take on vacation, but you might find out their presense is actually enjoyable.

So, my advice... don't worry about the small stuff.

 

[STAYC18]

Well thank you....I asked on the dis before if they always take their step children and it got so bad that I had to have it deleted....it wasn't that I never wanted to take them..just mot every time...do something else with them for a week...I would just like to sometimes go with my husband and my son (or just my son).....they were all like if you go then everyone goes...I really don't care what anyone thinks anyway...but the girls will have spending money to do whatever they choose to...and when its gone it gone...

 

[mjkacmom]

So I should purchase the souvies for their mother, step dad and half sister and brother...

No, but his dad could.

 

[mjkacmom]

geeze....sorry...i just would never send my son somewhere with no money no matter who he was with...

Would you send your kids with spending money if your X took them to the movies, while you were still married? I always send my kids with money. The only exception would be, their father (and TBH, grandma, because she would never take it).

Give everyone the same amount of spending money, and let them spend it the way they want. And believe it or not, some of my kids have spent their own money on gifts for their parents and siblings! And enjoyed doing so. Heck, the last time we were at WDW, ds bought dd a tinkerbell pin, just because, out of his spending money.

 

[dzorn]

No, you should give the kids spending money and then it is THEIRS to spend however they choose.

I would also let them know they can spend it all on themselves if they want to. I consider a souviner something small to remember my trip the sibs did not go so why do they need something? I do buy my Mom and Sister something but that is because I they watch our dog.

Sorry but if mom wanted them to buy for all the siblings not going(assuming these are not your DH children) then she should have send them with money. No need for you or your DH to spend money on the ex and family. Unless their mother sent them with money I would make sure the child was not pressured to spend it on those not going and skipping something for themselves.

Denise in MI

 

[STAYC18]

I would also let them know they can spend it all on themselves if they want to. I consider a souviner something small to remember my trip the sibs did not go so why do they need something? I do buy my Mom and Sister something but that is because I they watch our dog.

Sorry but if mom wanted them to buy for all the siblings not going(assuming these are not your DH children) then she should have send them with money. No need for you or your DH to spend money on the ex and family. Unless their mother sent them with money I would make sure the child was not pressured to spend it on those not going and skipping something for themselves.

Denise in MI

Exactly...i just don;t know why people on here didn"t understand that...

 

[krismanda]

I guess I just find this whole thing strange because it seems a lot of worry over a bunch of assumptions.

1. For all we know mom may be planning to send money.
2. For all we know mom and sibling may not give a hoot about Disney souvenirs.

I mean, now we are jumping to the kids being "pressured" to spend their hypothetical souvenir money on on their mom and siblings. I mean, really? I highly doubt mom is telling the kids to milk you dry on Disney trinkets for herself.

If it were me, I would focus on enjoying my trip and not worry so much about the $5 chotchkies the step kiddos may or may not want to buy their other family.

 

[merbobear]

Question to op:
When your step daughter goes on a vacation or outing with her mother, does your husband send her spending money?

If my dd's father and I were split up, and he chose to take her on a vacation, I would assume that he was paying for said vacation, including spending money...so no, I would not send her with money from me.

 

[ZehnJahren]

Question: if your children are going to Disney with their dad would you send them with spending money....

It looks to me like you might be jumping to some conclusions further in this post. I read the responses without knowing you were a step-mom, and was confused at your response. I believe people are just trying to be honest and not trying to attack you.

That being said, Mom COULD send money, but the kids are going with Dad. If he wants to be amicable and helpful to his children, then if they ask for a few dollars to buy mom a present, it should be given. Divorce is awful on kids; remarriage even worse. A father (or mother!) who will squabble over a few dollars is terrible too.

Someone's gotta be the bigger person, and it is NOT the child. I think the onus falls on the father. I understand your concerns and your issues, but those kids are as much a part of mom as of dad and they always will be. Everyone needs to accept that and make the kids comfortable.

My mom was very giving when it came to my dad when I was a kid after their divorce, my dad was very UNgiving. Who do you think I'm closer to, now that I'm older?

 

[tyzzle]

It looks to me like you might be jumping to some conclusions further in this post. I read the responses without knowing you were a step-mom, and was confused at your response. I believe people are just trying to be honest and not trying to attack you.

That being said, Mom COULD send money, but the kids are going with Dad. If he wants to be amicable and helpful to his children, then if they ask for a few dollars to buy mom a present, it should be given. Divorce is awful on kids; remarriage even worse. A father (or mother!) who will squabble over a few dollars is terrible too.

Someone's gotta be the bigger person, and it is NOT the child. I think the onus falls on the father. I understand your concerns and your issues, but those kids are as much a part of mom as of dad and they always will be. Everyone needs to accept that and make the kids comfortable.

My mom was very giving when it came to my dad when I was a kid after their divorce, my dad was very UNgiving. Who do you think I'm closer to, now that I'm older?

I wish I could like this response. OP I am speaking from the experience of being the child, your life may not have ended up like you imagined, but neither did your stepchild's. If you keep harboring resentment against your husband's ex or children (and while you may say you don't this post speaks volumes to the contrary) you will be the next ex. Also quit making up imaginary scenarios the have yet to occur; why stress about something that hasn't happened yet. And if they do want to buy something for their family back home, then give them an extra $20. It is a small price to pay for being a good person and acting like what you are, a parent to your husband's child.