Sorry I can't attend your Friday afternoon wedding, but WHY ARE YOU MAD ABOUT IT?

[Disney Doll]

that is assuming that you live anywhere remotely near great grandma.

Let's look at my situation. When DH and I got married we were living in Portland Oregon.

-DH's parents lived 2.5 hours south of Portland in Oregon
-My mother lived in Chicago
-My father, aunt, uncle and cousins (dad's side) lived in Indiana about 1.5 hours from Chicago
-My aunt, uncle, great aunt and cousins (mom's side) lived in Michigan all w/in a hour radius of Detroit
-My grandparents lived in Florida
-DH's grandparents lived 2+ hours apart from each other in Nebraska
-DH's various aunts, uncles and cousins lived in Seattle, Minneapolis, Virginia, San Francisco, Colorado and the Dominican Republic

I grew up outside of Chicago, DH in Austin Texas.

Where exactly should we have gotten married that people wouldn't have to travel???

It is insulting to say that all people who have destination weddings are simply being selfish. I NEVER called anyone who couldn't attend and yelled at them. Was I disappointed that some people couldn't attend sure but never angry. I also had more than 100 guests at my WDW wedding. I actually had people ASKING to attend. We got some "no's" and that was fine. I've declined several invites because we couldn't travel for the wedding. In this day and age with family's spread out all over the country it is almost a given that someone will have to travel. I haven't been to a strictly 'local' wedding in years! You can't please everyone.

The few posts before this one don't seem to belong to this thread, so maybe we had a little system glitch or something. In any event...back to weddings.....I don't think it's selfish to have a destination wedding. I actually like them because I do usually plan a vacation around them, especially if it is a destination I like, or one that is a pretty close drive to WDW! I think a couple should have whatever kind of wedding they want. But I do think that calling & yelling at invited guests who cannot attend your destination wedding, or, for that matter, your out-of-town-for-someone-because-everyone-is-all-spread-out wedding is what seems to have bothered the OP. And I would have to agree with her. And there is a difference between expressing disappointment ("Gee, I'm sorry you can't come. We'll miss you") and anger ("What do you mean you're not coming???? What kind of friend are you????").

 

[keishashadow]

We're a clique now?

Why didn't anyone tell me?

Harumph.

To quote Groucho Marx:

"I would not join any club that would have someone like me as a member"

another winner:

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it"

where's Harpo when you need him? I'm off to A Day At The Races

 

[Nana Annie]

WP made another observation about destination weddings; evidently, many guests feel their presence @ the ceremony is gift enough. Bet that goes over well. My comment to guests who do decide to begrudgingly attend (either a traditional ceremony or destination ceremony) at least bestow a gift that covers your plate/head cost (unless the couple indicates otherwise or designates a charity).

Now that is rude. To expect people to "pay" for their admittance to a wedding is way beyond the bounds of etiquette.

You invite people because you want to celebrate your love with them. Not to expect gifts equal to what you want to shell out for a wedding, a price no guest has control of.

I will give a gift that is within my means and that I have carefully selected specially for the bride and groom. It will have absolutely NO bearing on how much or how little the bride and groom decide to spend on their wedding.

 

[Principessa Alba]

WP made another observation about destination weddings; evidently, many guests feel their presence @ the ceremony is gift enough. Bet that goes over well. My comment to guests who do decide to begrudgingly attend (either a traditional ceremony or destination ceremony) at least bestow a gift that covers your plate/head cost (unless the couple indicates otherwise or designates a charity).

I'm sorry I must be misunderstanding you. Surely you don't mean to say that if I have spent money on airfare, hotel, airport parking, transportation, and for meals other than the wedding dinner (in my case pet boarding and lost wages) to attend a couple's special day that my presence at the ceremony is not gift enough???

I'm sure that you can't be saying that, because that would certainly be bordering heavily on the bridezilla kind of attitude!

 

[aprilgail2]

WP made another observation about destination weddings; evidently, many guests feel their presence @ the ceremony is gift enough. Bet that goes over well. My comment to guests who do decide to begrudgingly attend (either a traditional ceremony or destination ceremony) at least bestow a gift that covers your plate/head cost (unless the couple indicates otherwise or designates a charity).

Every invitation I have ever received to a destination wedding they ALWAYS included= "PLEASE NO GIFTS" since they took into consideration how much it costs people to go to these things! Personally unless it was my own child getting married I would not go to one (and i would really hope that she would include the Please no gifts if she had one!) I pick my own vacations every year, I don't need someone else picking it out and telling me "oh well use it as your vacation this year".

 

[aprilgail2]

I get it. You can have your wedding anywhere and any time you want. It's your day; do what you want and enjoy it!

But, you do not get to be upset that I cannot attend your 2 pm-on-a-Friday-afternoon ceremony because I was scheduled to work and I was unsuccessful in finding coverage.

Or that I've declined to attend your 9 pm-Sunday-wedding-reception-in-Florida when I have to be at work in NJ by 6:30 the next morning.

I can't stand those Friday night weddings! The last thing I want to fdo after working all day is go home get showered and have to get all dressed up to go ot a wedding after being up since 5am for work! I thin kI would have to pick going to a SUnday night wedding over hte Friday nights but those can be just as bad if its a Sunday night wedding and there is work/school the next day. My cousin had one that was not bad-the reception was at 2pm on Sunday so it ended at 6 which was great, but I didn't ahve to come from out of state-if they are out of state on a Sunday no way would I be going.

 

[muffyn]

My daughter has chosen a friday wedding for the fact that any decent reception place has a minimum of guests for saturday ,and we will be hard pressed to get 1/2 the amount required to attend on any given day ( we have a small circle of friends/family). I was concerned we wouldn't have anyone wanting to come.. sooo I asked 85% of those we intend to invite IF they would consider coming , I was surprised when they said yes! ( well attending the reception anyway).
I would never expect anyone to take off during the day for a wedding, MY daughters actual ceremony will either end up sparsly attended ( which is ok) OR will be right before the reception starts ( she does not care about a church,, a patio ceremony is just fine with her)

 

[jenm2878]

Destination weddings may also be the result of financial constraints for the couple. We couldn't afford a traditional wedding so it was either go to the justice of the peace (which would have made people upset too) or have a destination wedding. We were blessed that our families and very close friends chose to join us. We have a friend who works for an airline who got all of the guests who wanted them 'buddy passes' and we gave everyone info on hotels that started at $35/night. We really did try to make it affordable for everyone.

It sounds like I'm trying to justify our decision, and I'm really not, I just want people to understand that there can be a multitude of reasons for people deciding not to get married traditionally. When some people declined our invite, they were not yelled at. I believe both of us responded something to the effect of, "That's completely fine, we know it's alot to ask."

 

[poohandwendy]

WP made another observation about destination weddings; evidently, many guests feel their presence @ the ceremony is gift enough. Bet that goes over well. My comment to guests who do decide to begrudgingly attend (either a traditional ceremony or destination ceremony) at least bestow a gift that covers your plate/head cost (unless the couple indicates otherwise or designates a charity).

LOL, last I checked, wedding invitations request the guests presence...not gifts and certainly not a specific gift minumum based on wedding costs. Any bride and groom who keep score like that are crass, at best.

 

[poohandwendy]

And there is a difference between expressing disappointment ("Gee, I'm sorry you can't come. We'll miss you") and anger ("What do you mean you're not coming???? What kind of friend are you????").

I think that is it, in a nutshell.

But it also goes both ways. If someone plans a destination wedding and I cannot attend, it's inappropriate for me to get mad at them for not planning their wedding at my convenience. It's one thing to be sad that you will miss it, and quite another to hold it against them and express anger over it. After all, it's their wedding.

 

[Principessa Alba]

I think that is it, in a nutshell.

But it also goes both ways. If someone plans a destination wedding and I cannot attend, it's inappropriate for me to get mad at them for not planning their wedding at my convenience. It's one thing to be sad that you will miss it, and quite another to hold it against them and express anger over it. After all, it's their wedding.

I think the message in my nutshell is that no one should be mad at anybody (even though it seems like there are always so many hard feelings around weddings). I just hope that brides are aware of what they are doing.

When they say, "Everyone was thrilled to attend", I just doubt it. I'm sure they acted thrilled. I'm sure they love the couple and wouldn't want to hurt them. I'm not saying that they are "mad" or that I have been "angry" over a wedding invitation. But I have been incovenienced and there have been times sadly enough that I wasn't exactly as "thrilled" as I made it seem.

 

[Keggy]

I think all the people pointing out how few people did go to their destination wedding are missing the point that having "those closest to them attend" pretty much proves the point that yeah, you were selfish and self-centered about your wedding--you were there to get married to the love of your life, and having people there wasn't that important to you, was it? *hrrrrmmmm*

Think about that a little longer, why dontcha?

Now, there's a difference between being a self-absorbed wedding couple and being a bridezilla. A bridezilla calls the people up who declined the invitation and yells at them for "ruining her wedding day." Ya'll didn't do that, if you're telling the truth! Therefore, you were just "blinded by love" and you get a pass.

Brandie

I think everyone has different ideas of what a wedding is. At the time I got married the only family I had even living in the same state as me were my in laws. No extended family and just a few friends. Anywhere we had a wedding would have been a destination wedding. Maybe my idea of a wedding is not having a few hundred people I hardly know attend my wedding - it doesn't make me selfish.

 

[keishashadow]

Now that is rude. To expect people to "pay" for their admittance to a wedding is way beyond the bounds of etiquette.

You invite people because you want to celebrate your love with them. Not to expect gifts equal to what you want to shell out for a wedding, a price no guest has control of.

I will give a gift that is within my means and that I have carefully selected specially for the bride and groom. It will have absolutely NO bearing on how much or how little the bride and groom decide to spend on their wedding.

Not rude, acceptable behaviour imo (unless the guest is not able to afford it). My DHs family are all very successful and their children have enjoyed our gifts over the years; however - they are notoriously cheap when it comes to gifting OTHER PEOPLE and are prone to re-gift items. Only 1st class for them though! SIL even went so far as to indicate during Xmas gift exchange that DS "doesn't get anything, we just gave him a wedding present"...yep, a whopping $50. . His feelings would've been hurt, since he was on honeymoon, I was spared that scene.

IMO, it's not crass @ all, it's whatever is the custom in your area/family/social crowd. It's not a case of accusing the happy couple of being money-grabbing; morseso of affluent guests being stingy/cheap; when they well know what the acceptable norm is.

FYI, these days many couples are older & have established housekeeping. They take the time to set up bridal registries, including gifts in all price ranges; even gift cards. Trust me, if it's not on the list; they don't want it/need it.

Not only do I think it is appropriate to cover the guests' dinner (think of it as you're going out to eat ); but an additional gift is generous. Of course, it is a personal decision. While it is subject to debate, I would take into account both your financial situation and your relationship to the couple. Of course, if you have incurred travel expenses, especially for a destination wedding; I would take that into account. I'm sure your presence in that case would mean more to the couple...although the WP said many brides fully expect a gift and set up bridal registries when planning a dest. wedding.

Lastly, if you are purchasing a gift; PLEASE think ahead & have it delivered to the couple ahead of time. I cannot believe the number of boxes I had to drag home that night.

 

[Keggy]

I just see a bunch of hostility in this thread towards brides and grooms who have destination weddings. And lots of assumptions that they are all "angry" that they can't attend. Sure there may be dissapointments, that's only natural. But it's silly to call all destination wedding brides and grooms self-absorbed and selfsih. The angry destination wedding bride would be angry about her no RSVP's no matter where her wedding was. So don't lump us all together.

I completely agree with you.

 

[keishashadow]

LOL, last I checked, wedding invitations request the guests presence...not gifts and certainly not a specific gift minumum based on wedding costs. Any bride and groom who keep score like that are crass, at best.

I'm not the bride, i'm the MOG. You can bet that I do keep track of "certain relatives" if only to verify that they are still the same-old-same-old cheap-o's who certainly look forward to nice presents, even make fun of things they receive if it's not up to their high standards; in front of the recipients.

I see you live in the So Hills. Not sure if yinz guys are Pittsburgh natives; assume you are familiar with the concept of the famed cookie table.

A lovely tradition wherein close family & friends "volunteer" to contribute. Many of our older relatives bake hundreds of dozens of fancy cookies as their gift to the couple...always one of the most desired presents!

Guess my point is, it is both the thought/thoughtless-ness of the gift that counts.

 

[ead79]

Well I have to say that I don't share my finances with anyone and if my sibling chose a destination wedding I'd have to suck it up and go even if it meant that I couldn't take my family vacation. Even if I can afford the wedding I more than likely do not want to travel anywhere far for a wedding or any party for that matter. And by far I mean overnight. If one side of the couple has family all in one area I can see having the wedding there so both sides don't have to travel. Have the wedding you want but I can assure you that not everybody is thrilled to vacation at your wedding. Even if they won't say it.

I didn't mean that you should poll family members about their financial situation. I just meant that if you know that it would be a real hardship financially for a close relative to come, then you should take that into consideration. If, for instance, my grandma could not have afforded to come, then I would not have had a destination wedding or I would have paid her way.

I never said, nor do I think, that everyone was thrilled to come to my destination wedding. Some folks didn't want to come and did not come, other folks probably did not want to come but came anyway, and other people were excited to come and came. No matter where you have your wedding, even if it's 5 minutes from where all your guests live, some people won't be thrilled to come. I'm not sure where you got the impression that I thought everyone was thrilled from my previous posts.

 

[Pigeon]

Not only do I think it is appropriate to cover the guests' dinner (think of it as you're going out to eat ); but an additional gift is generous.

Sorry, but when I go out to dinner, I pick the venue and the menu, and it is generally one heck of a lot better than one gets at a wedding. If you are going to invite guests to your wedding, you don't expect the guests to pay for the privilege.

Normally I do give a very generous gift, but it's a gift. It's not payment for an overpriced mediocre meal.

 

[ead79]

Sorry, but when I go out to dinner, I pick the venue and the menu, and it is generally one heck of a lot better than one gets at a wedding. If you are going to invite guests to your wedding, you don't expect the guests to pay for the privilege.

Normally I do give a very generous gift, but it's a gift. It's not payment for an overpriced mediocre meal.

I've got to agree with you on that one. I've noticed that the concept of a guest giving a gift that is equal to or more than the cost of the meal seems to have originated in the northeast. When you send out a wedding invitation, you are requested their presence, not a gift. While it's traditional that a guest bring a gift, it's certainly not required. Etiquette does not dictate a specific amount, and I can tell you that a gift that large (let's assume around $150 per couple) is not the norm in the South. Since we did have a destination wedding, I obviously did not expect people to bring expensive gifts in addition to the cost of coming. Some folks brought gifts, others did not, and that was fine either way.

 

[roses~red]

It is not appropriate for the Bride to be mad at someone who can't come to a wedding no matter the reason. The point of a wedding is to celebrate the couple's love. The bride who gets mad at a friend is a bad friend.

Being disapointed is a different reaction and can be done with class even if the bride completely disagrees with the reason the person in not coming.

The Bride and Groom should be grateful for any gift they receive even if the thing is tacky or cheap or a large gift they have to lug home. I gave my best friend something that at the time I thought was really great and I did not have a lot of money at the time. I am so thankful she was gracious but I look back at it and wonder what the heck I was thinking It was a wall hanging picture that I framed myself. I didn't mean to be cheap but it was all I could afford since I was in the wedding and it was out of town.

I wish more couples/families would concentrate on the ceremony and the reason for the celebration. My neice wants a destination wedding....I told her I would try to come but that I can't afford the whole family to come...I just want to be there to celebrate with her and the groom. It's the couple's choice where to get married not mine.

OP, you have every right to be offended by the Bridezilla's but hopefully it won't taint your friendship forever. Getting married is a true test of how you handle stress and what a friendship can take

 

[Minniemouse07]

FYI, these days many couples are older & have established housekeeping. They take the time to set up bridal registries, including gifts in all price ranges; even gift cards. Trust me, if it's not on the list; they don't want it/need it.

Not only do I think it is appropriate to cover the guests' dinner (think of it as you're going out to eat ); but an additional gift is generous. Of course, it is a personal decision. While it is subject to debate, I would take into account both your financial situation and your relationship to the couple. Of course, if you have incurred travel expenses, especially for a destination wedding; I would take that into account. I'm sure your presence in that case would mean more to the couple...although the WP said many brides fully expect a gift and set up bridal registries when planning a dest. wedding.

Lastly, if you are purchasing a gift; PLEASE think ahead & have it delivered to the couple ahead of time. I cannot believe the number of boxes I had to drag home that night.

When I go to a wedding I almost NEVER give cash or a check..I always purchase a gift. I generally use their registry as a guide...I may or may not purchase off of it but if I don't I use the registry to figure out what they like/don't like and purchase something similar.

I NEVER have it shipped unless we aren't attending the wedding. Oh poor baby you had to lug YOUR gifts to your car, what an inconvenience. I'm attending a party and giving you a gift... I'm not going to send it to your home, I actually consider the shipping of gifts to be rude and impersonal.

I never try and calculate what the happy couple spent on me and spend that amount, I give a gift based upon our relationship (are you my best friend or one of dh's coworkers?) and how much we can afford. It is a token of my wishes for the bride and groom, not a monetary transaction!

FWIW, we didn't receive ANY gifts during our destination wedding.... except for a beautiful salad bowl from sMIL (she made us a wedding "salad" that was made up of dollar bills...told us to use it for "fun" stuff on the cruise). We did get some cards and in most cases...nothing. That was fine, we didn't expect anything. At our post wedding picnic celebration at home.. we did receive some gifts... mostly small stuff and some cash/checks...perfectly fine, we would have been fine if they just came and had fun.

Yes, many happy couples are able to start a nice nest egg and/or get some nice stuff as a result of a wedding reception but the point of a reception is to celebrate a wedding, not sponsor a fundraiser!