Something my mother said to me tonight really bothered me...

[KirstenB]

I gained a lot of weight in college, and my mom said something similar to me. It really hurt, but it also made me start a diet plan. My mom is very honest, but really is never a deliberately cruel person.

 

[Wall-E1]

Almost everybody I know has a "crazy" mother. Does anyone really have one of those "Hallmark Movie of the Week" mothers? I personally enjoy the crazy. I play into the crazy for my own personal amusement. There really is no point arguing or trying to reason with our mothers. They reach a certain age and something clicks in their head. Thoughts and comments spill, unfiltered out of their mouths. The tactic that works best for me is to always agree with my mother. There is no need to even listen to said mother if this tactic is used. Just make an affirmative gesture or comment at appropriate pauses and all is good.

I personally like when people are direct and blunt with me. Being a man, subtle hints and innuendos float right over my head. I would prefer someone just straight out asking me, "How far along are you?" or "You've really put on a lot of weight".

Good luck with your mother and try to remember that we all will become our mothers and fathers at some point. So, there's no point in fighting it. Just join the party, get on the roller coaster and enjoy the ride. Please remember though, there is a weight limit for this ride, so you may need to lose a few pounds if you want to be in this party.

 

[mjkacmom]

She's your mom - this is what moms do. My mom is hysterical - she's very thin (after fighting with her weight in her 20's). My sister and I have ranged from very thin, to 20 - 30 pounds overweight (my mom loves to tell the story about how she left the hospital after giving birth in her pre-pregnancy clothes - I gained between 40 - 75 pounds with each pregnancy). Last month, I had an event that I had to buy something to wear for. She said to me "I might have something - I bought it and it's HUGE!" Needless to say, she is 35 pounds lighter than I am, and even thought it was HUGE, it didn't fit. Luckily, I have a sister in the same boat, and we can swap stories!

 

[mjkacmom]

The kicker is that my cousin would NEVER not pick me to be in her wedding due to my size; she is NOT that type of person at all!:

For those of you picking on the poor bride, take an extra 2 seconds and read to the end. People really do try to find a bridezilla in every situation...

 

[4nana]

Bless your heart, you have a lot of class and patience dear . Sorry to say, your insensitive Mom needs to learn to bite her tounge . Sadly some people never change, she means well and altho you love her, you need to her rude comments go in one ear and out the other.

I'm blessed to have 3 wonderful DD's . One is petite, however 2 had become slightly over weight with time, each having 3 kiddies, jobs, demanding life style, etc. My dear Mom is all of 100 lbs, but sadly with age I've become no light weight myself. I'd never in a million years think of telling my girls they need to lose weight , as I think they already know . About a year ago they both went on a health kick/exercise program and have lost 40 lbs each and say they are not at their goals yet!! I'm so proud and praise them often on their new heathy life style they are living . Know I'm sending you big hugs and best wishes sweetie.

 

[PixieDust32]

Sorry

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

You have a lot of patience. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Anyone who wouldn't have someone in their wedding party b/c they don't meet an appearance criteria is shallow, IMHO. I know, I'm the plain, chubby gal who didn't make the cut. (another story for another time)

I had both parents and other assorted lovely relatives on top of me b/c of my weight. "Oh, you've gotten fat" said one of the lovely aunties. Reminded that I was always the "chubby one" while my cousins were thin.

 

[holycow]

How far along are you?" or "You've really put on a lot of weight".



That is just it. Being rude or as you call it BLUNT. Doesn't work for some people. Humiliation is NOT a motivator for me and never has been.

Also when you can't even have a conversation without someone mentioning weight gets OLD.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

What is up with all our moms being so mean??

My mom is the same way. It has been a lifelong struggle with our relationship. My mother is naturally very petite and I am naturally curvy.

She made me cry this weekend. She is such a sizist (is that a word? ). She makes me feel like a 2nd class citizen because I am not a size 2.

It has gotten so bad with us that I told DH I don't want to talk to her anymore. I have tried speaking to her about it, but she always cries and acts like the victim and never stops.

 

[Wall-E1]

How far along are you?" or "You've really put on a lot of weight".



That is just it. Being rude or as you call it BLUNT. Doesn't work for some people. Humiliation is NOT a motivator for me and never has been.

Also when you can't even have a conversation without someone mentioning weight gets OLD.

I never said that this approach was for everybody. I merely stated that "personally", I preferred this approach. I don't like for people to beat around the bush. Tell it to me like it is. For me personally, humiliation is the greatest motivator. That is how I recently lost fifteen pounds. Blunt, honest comments from friends and acquaintances made me self conscious about my "baby bump" and I did something about it. Again, other people may not appreciate this approach. They would rather have comments sprinkled with pixie dust and encouragement. I'm just not that type of girl. To each their own. As to the op's original comment, her mother was making blunt, probably even rude comments, but in the mother's warped head, she was doing it out of love. We must all realize that as our parents age, they do lose restraint on things that they say.

 

[megthewonderful]

Love this! Might have to use it in the future!

Family...can't live with 'em...can't drive 'em out to the desert and leave 'em for dead.




I know how you feel. My mom always makes comments to me about my weight. I can't even eat around her any more without her making a comment about what I have chosen to eat and what am I going to do after I eat to work it all off. It doesn't help that I am taking medication that my doctor warned me ahead of time would lead to a slight weight gain and I just had 3 kids in 4 years. I tell myself two things when she talks to me like this: 1) I will never, ever talk to my children like this unless things truly get out of hand and I am worried about their well-being (and being 20 lbs or so overweight will not be enough to merit a comment from me) and 2) I feel sorry for my mom for truly having nothing else to say to me or think about other than my weight. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I am no longer bothered by her comments.

 

[starrzone]

Your cousin has a weight requirement to be in her wedding? Did I read that right?

Hugs to you.

I think I'm missing something. Does you cousin have a "weight requirement" or is your mom just making things up in a poor attempt to motivate you to lose weight?

Oh no, my cousin would never not have me in her wedding because I was bigger! I think the one being shallow here is my mother; she is the one who implied that H wouldn't want me in her wedding with me looking like this. The kicker is that I don't want to be in her wedding anyway...I don't like them!

We must have the same mother. My mother really truly thinks she's helping by making comments like "Here we sit, getting fatter by the minute"--and by WE she means ME. She has said to me twice, "What does your doctor say about all the fat around your middle?" Twice I have told her that my doctor isn't happy with it and I am working hard to get the weight under control. My weight is not up for discussion. Hell's bells, I've lost 36-lbs since April!

I'm really sorry your mom is being so insensitive. I think it is entirely appropriate to call her on it. "Mom, when you make unkind comments about my weight, I feel humiliated. I need you to not make suggestions or comments about my weight." Use the old broken record technique--when she starts up, say "I'm not going to discuss my weight." Keep saying it every. single. time. Warn her that if she continues you will leave--and then do it. Same on the phone--hang up. You don't have to keep letting her say ugly things to you in the guise of "helping." She may call herself "helping" but what she's doing is actually rather passive-aggressive. She thinks that by making your feel bad it will jolt you into magically losing weight. Oy! If only it were that easy. I'd weigh 78-lbs it that were so.

Congrats on your weight loss!!! I know it's not easy. When I lost all my weight, I lived a couple hours away from my mother so the stress of her constant nagging and criticism was far away. Now that I live in the same town, it's much worse. With us, the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is absolutely true.

She is most definitely not helping with her comments, and I've told her so a few times. She's said things like I shouldn't be so sensitive, in the real world people say things to you that you don't like...I think my therapist is right in that I really have to walk away (literally or metaphorically) when she tries to "help" me like this. Wait, that's exactly what you said. Thank you so much for sharing your experience...it's nice to know I'm not alone

Bless your heart, you have a lot of class and patience dear . Sorry to say, your insensitive Mom needs to learn to bite her tounge . Sadly some people never change, she means well and altho you love her, you need to her rude comments go in one ear and out the other.

I'm blessed to have 3 wonderful DD's . One is petite, however 2 had become slightly over weight with time, each having 3 kiddies, jobs, demanding life style, etc. My dear Mom is all of 100 lbs, but sadly with age I've become no light weight myself. I'd never in a million years think of telling my girls they need to lose weight , as I think they already know . About a year ago they both went on a health kick/exercise program and have lost 40 lbs each and say they are not at their goals yet!! I'm so proud and praise them often on their new heathy life style they are living . Know I'm sending you big hugs and best wishes sweetie.

Thanks, nana...you made me cry (for a good reason!). I wish my own mother were as kind and understanding as a stranger from a message board. Your words meant a lot to me...your daughters are so lucky to have you.

 

[minkydog]

When I lost all my weight, I lived a couple hours away from my mother so the stress of her constant nagging and criticism was far away. Now that I live in the same town, it's much worse. With us, the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is absolutely true.

She is most definitely not helping with her comments, and I've told her so a few times. She's said things like I shouldn't be so sensitive, in the real world people say things to you that you don't like...I think my therapist is right in that I really have to walk away (literally or metaphorically) when she tries to "help" me like this. Wait, that's exactly what you said. Thank you so much for sharing your experience...it's nice to know I'm not alone

So true. We have lived at least 400 miles away for most of our marriage. Just that one year when we lived within an hour's drive of both families. Oy! It was crazy. They all glommed on to us, told us how to spend our money, raise our child, where and when to go on vacation. We were in our 30s! I couldn't wait to move away from there. We get along much better from a distance.

You know, when my mother starts up with these kinds of unkind comments I just call her on the carpet(gently, no yelling.) I say "Mom, you would never speak to your friend Mary Jane like that." and it usually brings her around. In fact, she IS nicer to her friends than to her kids. She is very self-centered, which I get, kinda--she's 75, a widow, has an active social life, her kids are grown. This is the young adulthood she never had. But it still doesn't give her a pass to say ugly things.

 

[mbw12]

Family...can't live with 'em...can't drive 'em out to the desert and leave 'em for dead.

that may become my next Facebook status of the day!

 

[MusiqChic99]

I would have been upset too. Telling someone that they've gained weight doesn't help at all. I would have said something like "MOM, I have a mirror at home. I buy my clothes. I realize what my weight is."

As for the wedding thing...that would be sad if she really did have a weight requirement for her wedding.

 

[starrzone]

As for the wedding thing...that would be sad if she really did have a weight requirement for her wedding.

Funny...after my mother made the comment, I said to her "Do you think I'd actually want to be in someone's wedding if they thought things like that, regardless of whether or not they're family?" There wasn't really a response...

 

[Darsa]

WEIGHT CRITERIA??? OMG, now I've heard it all. What a horrible, rotten, truly disgusting thing that is. I am revolted. People sicken me. When I got married I chose my bridesmaids to be the women in my life, other than my mom, who I love and were most influential to me. My sister, my cousin and my best friend since I was 11. Grooms, the same. Weight was NEVER even a minor consideration.

Wow. I feel ill just thinking that someone would be so SHALLOW...

 

[tw1nsmom]

I have a friend who has a mother and father that do this to her all the time. Her self-esteem has really suffered because of it. She know she needs to lose weight she doesn't need to feel judged by her own family.

I don't know if she's done this, but I thought I had a fantastic idea. Go to area nursing homes and assisted living centers and get brochures. Make sure some are from less than pleasant places. Then every time your mother starts in on you about your weight ask her which place she would like to go to? Or...just lay the brochures on the table and walk out. If she asks why you did it, then say that an inability to censor ones own words and a lack of empathy are the beginning stages of dementia and a sign of aging. Tell her she shouldn't be "so sensitive" and that you're just telling it to her like it is.

 

[EthansMom]

Your mom was way out of line. I don't think anyone should aspire to be in the wedding of someone so shallow that they choose their bridal party by appearance or weight. Yuck to the bride. And yuck to your mom for that thoughtless comment.

I totally agree!

 

[paintnolish]

My sympathies.

On the other hand, I have relatives who think I am skin and bones, and I'm (a little) overweight according to the BMI.

Are you Italian?!?My dad used to say that to me!

OP- My Gma told me at my wedding, "You look really pretty. I hope you don't gain all that weight back." Gee, thanks Grandma! Sadly, she passed away a year ago AND I've gained some weight!