somebody at church makes me uncomf. WWYD?

[Tiggeroo]

There is a man at church who makes DH and I uncomfortable, esp. dh. He lingers long with the women of the church, hugs a bit too much, touches alot. I was at a baseball game where he disciplined some woman's children. If I was her I would have said something. But I told dh perhaps they are good friends and she's comfortable with it. It just felt wrong. He teaches Sunday School. He's a helper so he's never alone with the kids. I taught with him last week. He said some things to kids that just didn't feel right. Things like I'll tell you're dad if you do that again and you'll be in trouble. Or commenting on their drawings in an immature way. He seems like perhaps he appears normal but has a problem that maybe causes him to be immature. DH feels he's seen some kids who are uncomfortable being in a classroom with him and other parents feeling this way as well.
I figure that the church is aware of this and that's why he's always with somebody.Since there's nothing specific it would be hard for them to say, no you can't help. DH thinks differently and doesn't want the man there at all. He wants to say something and I agree. But I can't think of how you can bring something like this up when there is nothing specific. I can't think of the things he said to our Sunday School kids. It was along the lines of not seeing innocent things as innocent. For ex. we had a girl do a drawing and made the person half man, half woman, silly like a 5yo. He kept talking about boy george and some other things like this. It just didn't feel right.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

If I were in your shoes I might talk to the pastor. It may be that this guy is socially unaware (perhaps he has a disability that makes it hard for him to read social cues and he doesn't realize how innappopriate he is) or it may be that he's just a jerk, or it may be that something's really wrong and you DH's radar is right on target.

If it's the first your pastor is a good person to gently point out that some people aren't comfortable when you . . . and teach him a better way to interact. If it's the later it's good for your pastor to have a eye on this guy.

 

[Mercy]

I would speak to the Pastor or the elders of your church about him and your feeling of uneasiness. Better safe than sorry.

We had an incident in our own church about 14 years ago. A family came and I felt like something was just not right about the father, couldn't pinpoint what, but something. I never said anything. He ended up befriending another family who was having medical problems with their newborn. In the end, it eventually came out that he had molested this family's other 3 yo son. Very sad and tramatic situation for the family and certainly their son.

So to me something does not sound right, at the least, I don't think he should be working with children.

 

[jennyl772003]

Here's my take...

I had an uncle who was the type to hug to long, get to close, etc. He just made me uncomfortable. When I was about 13, him and my aunt had all the nieces and nephew over for a campout in the backyard.

Long story short, I was right to feel uncomfortable around him.

 

[Free4Life11]

Sounds a little weird, I'd talk to the pastor.

 

[Bob Slydell]

You said you have no specific examples of anything he's done that would make him a threat of any type, so what are you going to say to yoru pastor if you talk to him? Just because you're uncomfortable around him doesn't mean everyone else is fine with him.

 

[N&B'smom]

Usually that 'gut' feeling is dead on, I'd speak up. You don't want something to happen and the think how you should have said something. Trust me, I know how you feel. There was a man in our church when I was a teenager. He had a wife and two step-daughters. He made me VERY uncomfortable. He was too friendly, he would always compliment me, always seemed to be talking to women, etc. Well, turns out he was molesting his two-step children. I always knew there was something wrong.

Speak up, you'll feel better for doing so! Your discerning that something is off and you're probably right.

Shelby

 

[Tiggeroo]

I trust my pastor. He won't over-react just because of something I say. If anything our church is too low-keyed and he would be reluctant to do anything. The only way he'd probably want to respond is if other people have gone to him with something similar in the past.

 

[alliecats]

I am a big believer in gut feelings. But I would suggest that you jot down some specifics, even if you have to observe him another week first, before you approach your pastor. Then it won't seem vague or as subjective. Then your pastor will have the best info to decide what he should do. Good luck either way!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

There is a man who is a bit touchy feely--I don't think it is intended in a way other than a simple hug or whatever---but it got to the point where when I see him I walk in the other direction. It just makes me down right uncomfortable. He really isn't doing anyting inappropriate per se....but I don't feel like I'm getting hugged like a Christian sister if you can catch my drift. I think he is actually hugging me in a fatherly way--but it is just too uncomfortable.

I do know this person--it isn't a complete stranger--but I make sure to stay far far away and have been known to use different church exits. But I'm an adult--so I can handle it. He doens't behave this way towards children though so I don't say anything--I just don't care for this person.


For what you describe as it involves children..I agree perhaps speaking with the pastor. But be sure not to make accusations unless you have a good reason for doing so. It could be that he just does not realize what he is doing and I would hate for his image to be tarnished over a misunderstanding. But I am not so forgiving as to say ignore...b/c what IF he knows what he is doing. Just say that you noticed some things that make you uncomfortable and stick to the facts. Even if the only facts you have are the Boy George comment.

But again--don't make accusations or implications of something that isn't going on. (i.e. don't slander him).

 

[Keli]

I would talk to my pastor. And I'd tell him exactly what you've stated here. I wouldn't demand any sort of action be taken but I think the clergy needs a heads up here. As a member of the church you can expect confidentiality from the pastor and you can also expect that he has dealt with touchy issues like this before.

The pastor can then do what he wants with the info but a smart pastor would do a quiet investigation. Ask the regular teacher what they think. And if he finds anything to warrant it then he can ask the guy to help in some other area of the church that doesn't involve children.

I think you have an obligation to speak up though because how would you feel if you said nothing and then he did something to a child?

 

[Tiggeroo]

Our previous church was larger. They did background checks on all people who worked with children. They emphasized no adult alone with children. There were alot of safety blocks in place. This church is much more laid back. They will act if necessary but feel uncomfortable appearing too authoritarian.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If he is saying inappropriate things to children, ie the "Boy George" comment, that is considered "provocative" comments to a child and needs to be reported.
I would rather be a fool than have a child harmed.

 

[goofy4tink]

I sit on our church's governing board. I think we would want to hear about your 'gut' feelings. It's so much better to be safe than sorry. When we hired a secretary for our church, my dh had some reservations about one of the final candidates. He told me his issues, I told our priest. We hired her. However, I thought it was better to have any 'questions' out there, up front. Our priest was able to make an informed choice. So, talk to your pastor/priest about it. Let him/her take it from there. you'll feel better about it.
I know that there was a man that my mother was dating, would have married if he hadn't died. He was very touchy, feely. A bit too much for my taste. It was the hardest thing I have ever done when I had a talk with my mom about it. It wasn't that I suspected that he had an 'agenda' or anything. He just made me uncomfortable, as well as making my then 5 y/o dd uncomfortable. Mom understood and had no problems with my holding back from the many huge hugs that came my way.
Best of luck with your situation. It's a tough one to be in, but I think if you share your feelings with a pastor you'll feel much better.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I go with my instincts. If I am uncomfortable with someone, I avoid them. If they push too hard, I tell them that I'm uncomfortable around them and would like them to leave me alone. If they try to touch me, I will say "keep your hands to yourself" or just slap their hand away. Worst case, I'd sic DH on them - but it has never gone that far.

No way I'd leave kids alone with someone I didn't trust.

BUT, unless I happened to KNOW that this guy was a child rapist or something serious, I wouldn't go complaining or gossiping.

...but that's just me.