Some Ramblings About Raising Teens (I Need Some Help)

[Christine]

Hi everyone! I need some viewpoints today. Sorry if I ramble, I just have a tough time organizing my thoughts.

Okay, I have a 14 year old DD who is in 9th grade. And, well, she's getting on my nerves. I guess I'm just really irritated at how materialistic she is and how she seems to have no concept of money or responsibility. As her mother, I know that this is totally my fault, yet, I'm not sure how we got here.

She is incredibly lazy and only "helps" around the house when she is forced to and, even then, her efforts are just pitiful. Money has never, ever been a motivating factor for her and I tried to make it such at an early age. Yet, my friends daughter (who is only 9 is an absolute "hound" for money) has several hundred dollars hoarded around the house.

I've never even been the type to spoil my kids. I'd get them a lot of toys for Christmas but very little in between and only a few things for birthdays.

My DD seems totally clueless when it comes to minimal cooking skills (her 11 year old brother is much better than her), she seems like a complete ditz at times, and she doesn't really seem to have a lot of inner drive. This is really nothing new--it probably started in 4th or 5th grade. She just doesn't seem to care much about doing her best, she doesn't realize the need to carry her weight around the house, etc. I've taken stuff away, added things for motivation, restricted her, etc. Nothing quite seems to effect her.

Anyone have a child like this?

 

[luvflorida]

My first thought- Ship her off to spend some time with the Duggar family.

Sorry, I know that doesn't answer your question. I just couldn't help myself!

I must go pick up my own materialistic teen at school, but I'll be back!!

 

[Christine]

My first thought- Ship her off to spend some time with the Duggar family.

Hmm, I haven't been following that thread AT ALL. Maybe I need to go read it.

 

[Planogirl]

My first thought- Ship her off to spend some time with the Duggar family.

To the OP, your daughter sounds a lot like many other teens. I think that persistence and time will pay off but it is hard isn't it? Teens!

 

[jlaspoq]

Well, I have a DD13 almost 14 in 8th grade. She is very bright, and very involved in band and horse-riding. However, we continue to struggle a bit with taking the initiative around the house. She will do what is asked, and I am asking more all the time. But she definitely is uncertain about doing things without being told to do them. As you said, I know I'm the reason for this - I was (am) too controlling. This backfires on you, I've found. So now I make a point of putting her in charge of things - simple dinners, tonight's laundry, etc. But if the laundry's overflowing, she won't think to get started on it unless I've said we need to. And if it's past dinner time with no food in sight, she wouldn't think to start it without being told.

We have friends with far more industrious youngsters. And we have friends with far lazier kids who don't do anything and are always bored.

Apparently, as I re-read this post, I have no real advice for you. Sorry! But you're not alone!

Good luck!

 

[Christine]

To the OP, your daughter sounds a lot like many other teens. I think that persistence and time will pay off but it is hard isn't it? Teens!

She's just really bugging me. And I always imagine that the "other" teens are more responsible than she is.

I try to think back to myself at that age and, of course, we just didn't even have the things that we could wish for. There just was not much to buy back then. Heck, I was just thrilled to get my Levi's cords in more than 3 colors.

DD wants:
A Coach Purse
True Religion Jeans
Joe's Jeans
A fresh Abercrombie T-Shirt for Every Day of the Week
A laptop
A $500 digital camera

And she talks about these things ALL THE TIME!

Then I'm just mad because she was always SO into drama. Then, for high school, she applied, auditioned, and was accepted into a fine arts program for theater. Now she will hardly try out for parts. She just wants to go to the class and do the minimum to get by. It's just all bugging me.

 

[ducklite]

It's too bad we can't give our teens to a family of wolves to raise until they are in their mid-20's.

I'd use the things she wants as motivators to do the things she needs to do. Good luck!

Anne

 

[Christine]

Apparently, as I re-read this post, I have no real advice for you. Sorry! But you're not alone!

Good luck!

No problem--just hearing about others is all the "advice" I need.

I agree with the "controlling" part. I work full-time and, sometimes, it is so much faster and easier just to "take care of it" and do it myself. I guess maybe I've done too much. I let my DD get off without doing a lot in hopes that she will "hold up her end of the bargain." I tell her that "her job" is to go to school, put her best effort into it, and do well. Well, she doesn't even do that and THAT'S when my nose gets out of joint.

 

[Planogirl]

I remember that name brand items are REAL important to many teens. Particularly girls as they all try to one-up each other. I'm lucky that my 13 year old son couldn't care less but I'm waiting for him to start demanding a certain brand of shoes any time.

The drama thing sounds troubling though. Is she in danger of being removed from the program? Frankly, something like that happening might be a good wake up call for her.

 

[jlaspoq]

As far as her list of wants, does she get an allowance or have an opportunity to earn money (babysitting or whatever)?

Our kids know that if it's not birthday or Christmas, they probably will be told to buy it themselves or wait til it IS their birthday or Christmas!

And remember - it's ok that they want things they will never get! After all, don't we all?

I would be a little concerned about her flagging interest in drama if it hasn't been replaced by anything constructive. Sounds like a good time to ramp up her domestic responsibilities - after all, she has time on her hands.

 

[CathrynRose]

Anyone have a child like this?

DANG! Yes!!!! Even down to the younger brother being more with it, than him!

My lovely son decided to go sit on the roof Friday night. Yes, the roof. We still dont know why.

And apparently took his blanket up there, with him - because after he had left for the weekend, on a planned trip with a friend and his parents, we found the blanket stuffed in our bushes.... after it had POURED rain....for 2 days.

I wish I had advice. I dont though.... Im hoping he "outgrows" it. And honestly, I feel I was just like him - completely - and I have matured, but it did take a while.

 

[Christine]

It's too bad we can't give our teens to a family of wolves to raise until they are in their mid-20's.

I'd use the things she wants as motivators to do the things she needs to do. Good luck!

Anne

Well, last night in Nordstrom we were having a "discussion" over a pair of Joe's Jeans (reduced to $70). She really wanted them...BAD. I said that I just couldn't, in good conscience, buy her a pair of $70 jeans when she hadn't done anything at home, had so-so grades, and didn't even try to help out. She asked me "what can I do to get them." I said "You tell me--tell me what you can do to help out and earn these jeans?" She said "I guess nothing really." So she hung the jeans up and we left the store. I couldn't even motivate her with that.

 

[jlaspoq]

Interesting that she no longer wanted them "bad" when you gave her the chance to figure out how to earn them. Even she realized the weren't worth that much. I would stick to your guns on things like this.

 

[Christine]

As far as her list of wants, does she get an allowance or have an opportunity to earn money (babysitting or whatever)?

Our kids know that if it's not birthday or Christmas, they probably will be told to buy it themselves or wait til it IS their birthday or Christmas!

And remember - it's ok that they want things they will never get! After all, don't we all?

I would be a little concerned about her flagging interest in drama if it hasn't been replaced by anything constructive. Sounds like a good time to ramp up her domestic responsibilities - after all, she has time on her hands.

The allowance thing--we've tried this. We've assigned chores but she does not follow through and ends up not getting her allowance. The money has never motivated her enough to keep up the chores.

The drama thing--I'm just not sure about. I think she just doesn't like to work hard. She used to LOVE acting and she's a good little actress but she cannot sing or dance. I've offered to put her in stuff to brush up on these skills--not interested. But, I think that she is in the program and she is seeing how talented these kids are and I think it has kind of taken her aback. Inside she knows she doesn't want to work that hard for it, I think.

 

[ducklite]

Well, last night in Nordstrom we were having a "discussion" over a pair of Joe's Jeans (reduced to $70). She really wanted them...BAD. I said that I just couldn't, in good conscience, buy her a pair of $70 jeans when she hadn't done anything at home, had so-so grades, and didn't even try to help out. She asked me "what can I do to get them." I said "You tell me--tell me what you can do to help out and earn these jeans?" She said "I guess nothing really." So she hung the jeans up and we left the store. I couldn't even motivate her with that.

Is there a possibility that she's depressed? Her sudden lack of interest in things she had a passion for certainly suggests this. I'd look into it.

Anne

 

[jlaspoq]

Allowance for us is separate from chores. You have chores because you're part of the family (and need to learn some responsibility), and you have an allowance because you're part of the family (and need to learn to manage money.) Allowance is paid monthly, and certain things must come out of it (like entertainment costs, birthday gifts for friends,e tc.) Allowance is not withheld as punishment. If chores aren't done, it's handled outside of the allowance thing.

 

[Christine]

Is there a possibility that she's depressed? Her sudden lack of interest in things she had a passion for certainly suggests this. I'd look into it.

Anne

Nope, I'm telling you, it's laziness. She is very happy otherwise, LOVES all her friends, and spends all her time figuring out how to get to her next social event.

 

[CathrynRose]

So she hung the jeans up and we left the store. I couldn't even motivate her with that.

Thats my son, too.

And, did you notice she's awfully nice when she wants something, and becomes downright rude if you ask her to do anything??? Thats my son, too.

I even got him out of bed one evening, to pick up a wrapper he had left on the ottoman. He wasnt yet asleep - just laying there watching TV. That &^%&*^% had the nerve to say "why cant YOU do it????"

AHHHH! The veins in my forehead popped out and I believe I blew a few blood vessels in my brain from that one.

 

[Christine]

Allowance for us is separate from chores. You have chores because you're part of the family (and need to learn some responsibility), and you have an allowance because you're part of the family (and need to learn to manage money.) Allowance is paid monthly, and certain things must come out of it (like entertainment costs, birthday gifts for friends,e tc.) Allowance is not withheld as punishment. If chores aren't done, it's handled outside of the allowance thing.

Hmmm...that's an interesting concept I hadn't thought of. Maybe I will try that. My parents never did any allowance with me--I was just given money as I needed it. Back in the 70s/80s, it wasn't that much (we had no malls or movie theaters where I lived so my $$$$ requirements were low. )

 

[Evil Genius]

Have you had her to a doctor lately? Is she possibly depressed? She seems to be giving up things she loves (acting) It could be a hormone imbalance. I would have her checked out just on the chance that there is something physically or mentally wrong.