So, when is enough, enough-high risk pregnancy?

[nathalee81]

Do you have any idea how expensive that is? My cousins were over $20,000 each. They could prob get kids with physical and mental problems for less money, of course. Of course that could cost more down the road.

Actually, I think you are speaking of overseas adoption or private adoption. To go through foster care, you actually don't pay anywhere near that amount (if anything, I believe you actually would get a tax break at the end of year, too).

To reiterate, I am not judging anyone and have not said anything about my belief as to whether this particular woman should have anymore kids or not. I am just curious why more people don't consider adoption as an alternative. I don't understand why the answers are so defensive, as I have said nothing about judging this woman.

Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm on the disboards...

 

[DMRick]

I must have missed an email. The OP didn't even know the gal was pregnant until she got the email from a church group where she no longer attends. How the heck would we know that it's taken for granted?
How do you know they even asked for the help, but maybe the church was atuned to their members and just offered?
Perhaps once on bedrest, the risks are much lowered.

People can always say no.

everyone needs the occasional favor BUT when it is repeatedly needed and asked for and taken for granted that it will be given it becomes more. When you start counting on it then it isn't an unavoidable emergency it has become routine and should be planned for or the need for it avoided.

They should have thought about the other 7 kids they have already brought into the world.

 

[DMRick]

It was not overseas (we do have some family kids adopted from Russia as well, and that too was expensive with many medical problems)..but they were private. There just aren't young, healthy babies available in our area. They are mixed race children (which is why they found them 'easier' to adopt), and yes there was a tax break, but with the medical care these kids have needed (mom was a druggy) since they were born, that didn't help much.
The price is pretty set in this area..you aren't allowed to buy babies, but you do have to pay the lawyer and medical bills, and they were pretty high for both kids.

Besides, the people in the OP may have wanted their own children, which is their choice, if they are able to have them, or it may be a religious choice.

I don't see where people are defensive, but I do see where they think it's the persons choice and if the OP doesn't want to help she should just say no. Not sure what you mean about it being the Dis

Actually, I think you are speaking of overseas adoption or private adoption. To go through foster care, you actually don't pay anywhere near that amount (if anything, I believe you actually would get a tax break at the end of year, too).

To reiterate, I am not judging anyone and have not said anything about my belief as to whether this particular woman should have anymore kids or not. I am just curious why more people don't consider adoption as an alternative. I don't understand why the answers are so defensive, as I have said nothing about judging this woman.

Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm on the disboards...

 

[Handbag Lady]

All I can say is, please, please don't stop posting on this thread people! My husband an I are getting quite a kick out of some of these responses about "too many kids", what number of children you should stop helping at, and so on.(hey who can blame us, the state of the union is on and all the kids are asleep, so its a slow night)

I think a lot of people really do have an issue with the number of children this family has but just don't want to come out and admit that, because really how can you argue something that's someone elses business? Oh, I know how.....you make it your business because they're asking YOU for help....so now you're allowed to make a judgment call on the number of children they have.

Does a mother with 1 child deserve help? Should she not have any more children if she needs help with that first? Because that might pretty much limit us all to 1 child. "well, honey, I dont know, we had to have Beth across the street take little Casey to dance recital that one time we both worked late...lets not have more kids"

As for OPs question, though I disagree with many of the points of view here as far as other things go, my answer would have to be no, I would not have more children if I knew another pregnancy would be life threatening. My last pregnancy was difficult, cared not to repeat that or take the chance of leaving my children motherless, and got my tubes tied.

And the very last thing I will say is this- just because *YOU* (general you, not directing it towards anyone in particular) cant imagine, cant handle, cant even possibly fathom having 8 children, caring and loving for 8 children, paying for 8 children.....doesn't mean *I* cant.

and yeah, they're all in my signature, count them up. Theirs EIGHT of them.

I have no problem admitting that I have issues when the world is overpopulated. I've said it before here and I'll say it again. You are legally entitled to have and support as many kids as you can, but it is really wise when the world's supplies are not endless. Sure, you can support your kids now, but what about their kids and so on? The world is not endless and neither is our planet's resources.

 

[nathalee81]

It was not overseas (we do have some family kids adopted from Russia as well, and that too was expensive with many medical problems)..but they were private. There just aren't young, healthy babies available in our area. They are mixed race children (which is why they found them 'easier' to adopt), and yes there was a tax break, but with the medical care these kids have needed (mom was a druggy) since they were born, that didn't help much.
The price is pretty set in this area..you aren't allowed to buy babies, but you do have to pay the lawyer and medical bills, and they were pretty high for both kids.

Besides, the people in the OP may have wanted their own children, which is their choice, if they are able to have them, or it may be a religious choice.

I don't see where people are defensive, but I do see where they think it's the persons choice and if the OP doesn't want to help she should just say no. Not sure what you mean about it being the Dis

Honestly, I really don't care how many kids this woman has (as long as she isn't on welfare and we aren't, in effect, paying for them). I sincerely don't have a problem with this woman (or even that she asked a church group to help).

I really was just curious why adoption isn't an option for some people. I really just wanted some opinions and viewpoints on the matter.

It is interesting that, despite never saying what my opinion was in this matter, both you and a PP assumed I had a problem with this woman and her reproductive choices-when I really didn't. That is what I meant about defensive.

 

[DMRick]

I guess I should have prefaced my, 'don't like that she's having this many kids (or whatever I said)' with you, not you per se, but anyone. Because that's what I meant. If someone (anyone) doesn't agree with her having all these kids for any reasons, they can just say no to helping them out.

Nothing defensive was meant..sorry you took it that way.

Honestly, I really don't care how many kids this woman has (as long as she isn't on welfare and we aren't, in effect, paying for them). I sincerely don't have a problem with this woman (or even that she asked a church group to help).

I really was just curious why adoption isn't an option for some people. I really just wanted some opinions and viewpoints on the matter.

It is interesting that, despite never saying what my opinion was in this matter, both you and a PP assumed I had a problem with this woman and her reproductive choices-when I really didn't. That is what I meant about defensive.

 

[honugirl]

Many people want their own blood children and would not love an adopted child as much as a child of their own. There is nothing wrong with that. Someone else's reproductive lives is none of our business.

That is just incredibly sad. I'm adopted. I'm a little weird and geeky, which probably wouldn't have happend if I was blood relation to my parents, but I deserve just as much love as a blood child. No wonder I've never felt at home with my family, maybe some of them feel this way? I just had no idea that someone who wanted to be a parent could feel that way.

 

[nathalee81]

That is just incredibly sad. I'm adopted. I'm a little weird and geeky, which probably wouldn't have happend if I was blood relation to my parents, but I deserve just as much love as a blood child. No wonder I've never felt at home with my family, maybe some of them feel this way? I just had no idea that someone who wanted to be a parent could feel that way.

I really don't feel that a child has to be your "blood" to be yours, and one day I would very much like to be a parent.

I'm so sorry some of your family hasn't realized this-it is really their loss. I am a little weird and geeky, too-and my whole family is like that. You wanna hang out with us?

 

[rie'smom]

That is just incredibly sad. I'm adopted. I'm a little weird and geeky, which probably wouldn't have happend if I was blood relation to my parents, but I deserve just as much love as a blood child. No wonder I've never felt at home with my family, maybe some of them feel this way? I just had no idea that someone who wanted to be a parent could feel that way.

It isn't just sad, it's ignorant. I thought this kind of thought went out in the dark ages of the last century. Our daughter is adopted. When she was just a few days old as I was rocking her, I thought, "My c-section is not hurting as much with this baby." Duh, because she was adopted I had not had a section. It just goes to show though that she was ours and she was loved as much as her two brothers were. If anyone had had a problem with her, I would have had nothing to do with them. A baby is a baby and to loving parents it doesn't matter whether they're blood related or not.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Personally, if there was reason to believe that i might not surive another pregnancy (say given a 10-15% chance or higher of that), confirmed by multiple doctors, I would never had had my second child. I always wanted two children, and i love my son to pieces, but I would feel that taking such a risk was not fair to the child I already had (or to the child I would be having--or my husband who would eb left to raise them alone). Heck, if I had medical issues that made having ONE child a serious health risk for me I would not have done it. So, the number of children someone has does not factor into the equation AT ALL for me on this issue. (note: in my case I would have adopted if at all possible. My children are genetically mine and my DH's beacuse I get pregnant easily and that is the therefore the fastest/easiest/cheapest way to have found myself the loving mother of two fabulous little ones--but I would not have loved children who came to me in a different way, or with different genetics, and less).

As to the lady in the OP, I did not see golfgal saying she was upset about being asked to help--I thought she was jsut explaining why/how she was privy to this information. That said, Ido think it is wrong to knowingly get yourself into a situation like this without having arranged to help yoruself (paying someone, talking to friends or faily who may be willign to help for free because htey want you to be happy and have the fmaily you want, etc) beforehand. In the same way that I think it is wrong to knowingly have more children (or a first child) if you cannot at that point afford to take care of the child yourself (yes, circumstances change and you cannot always predict, but if you know that NOW you cannot afford what you haev then you can be sure you cannot afford more, or if you have been told by DRs that the odds are you will be on bedrest for much of a pregnancy then you know about it head of time and need to firgure out how to deal with it before you get pregnant whereas if it is a total surprise that you are having such complications that is entirely different). I don't care if it is your first kid or your 14th you owe it to your children not to bring them into the world unless you (as the parents) are willing and able to to do the job (financially, time wise, love, attention, etc). I see parents of only children, 2 children, 6, 8 you name it who can and parents of the same numbers who can't (or won't).

That is just incredibly sad. I'm adopted. I'm a little weird and geeky, which probably wouldn't have happend if I was blood relation to my parents, but I deserve just as much love as a blood child. No wonder I've never felt at home with my family, maybe some of them feel this way? I just had no idea that someone who wanted to be a parent could feel that way.

I am very confused by the bolded Do you think being weird and geeky is tied to being adopted? Or do you just mean that your parents are more mainstream and you do not feel a blood relative of theirs would have a weird and geeky gene?

My parents are definately weird (in a dysfunctional sort of way), but not in a geeky way at all. I am not adopted but I have the weird/geeky thing going on (as does my daughter). I really can't see how being adopted or not would play in to it much one way or the other.

That said, I really am so sorry that there are people in your family who see you as not really a part of the family. That is terrible. I really cannot imagine thinking that way at all. It must be very hurtful to you.

 

[handinpocket]

It isn't just sad, it's ignorant. I thought this kind of thought went out in the dark ages of the last century. Our daughter is adopted. When she was just a few days old as I was rocking her, I thought, "My c-section is not hurting as much with this baby." Duh, because she was adopted I had not had a section. It just goes to show though that she was ours and she was loved as much as her two brothers were. If anyone had had a problem with her, I would have had nothing to do with them. A baby is a baby and to loving parents it doesn't matter whether they're blood related or not.

Not sad, nor ignorant. Some people know they could only love THEIR child and they don't adopt, good for them, let the children who need adopting be adopted by someone who wants them.

 

[mhsjax]

Yes and minding one's business is an action.



They were asking their church group for help transporting their kids. Have you never had to ask anyone for help? Do you have a child(ren)? I don't make a habit of asking for help but when my daughter was younger and the only child we had at home, I was sick and had to ask for help. Would it have been better if someone said, " You wanted her, I'm not helping you."
All I can say is thank God I have family and friends who were more than happy to help when I needed them.
BTW, I have been happy to help others who needed me too.

Exactly, Hey how about this analogy. We have 3 kids. we have friends ask us to take their kids to practice with ours, the reason, They work. I am a SAHM. Maybe I should just say, well you wanted the kid, if you couldn't afford to stay home and take them where they needed to go, then you shouldn't have had the kid.

Now I would never say that, that is crazy. And I as a SAM sometimes have another person take one of my other kids to a practice, if there is a logistics problem, which happens fairly often.

I didn't see where they were asking for money, I did see where they were asking for someone to take the kids to church and visit the mom. Wow, that is asking alot.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

While I would never want 8 children, it's their choice so I'm not judging. My husband was one of 10 kids who have all grown up tp be loving, happy, and productive people.

My mom and dad had 15 babies. 3 babies died as infants, they raised 12 of us. We were dirt poor and the entire town knew it. (Kids can be cruel, even if you have no control over your families finances as a child).

We went without. We ate spaghetti 4 times a week. The house was loud, there was always at least two of us fighting at one time......if I died tomorrow and God stood in front of me and offered to let me go back and live a different life, I would turn it down. Growing up in that household made me who I am today. I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[MsLeFever]

Our daughter is adopted. When she was just a few days old as I was rocking her, I thought, "My c-section is not hurting as much with this baby." Duh, because she was adopted I had not had a section. .

THIS is a beautiful little story and one I hope you share with her.

 

[si-am]

Not sad, nor ignorant. Some people know they could only love THEIR child and they don't adopt, good for them, let the children who need adopting be adopted by someone who wants them.

Agreed.

As someone who is struggling with infertility, people ask me all the time why I don't adopt. Well, for me, personally, it is not really something I want to do. I know myself; I am not so "baby crazy" that I would instantly fall in love with one if it were handed to me, and I don't think that's fair to the child.

I have several friends who have adopted though and are absolutely 100% in love with their children.

Everyone's different.

 

[LaurenLC]

Well, I am sorry that I don't feel like you should take the chance of leaving your other children motherless when you KNOW you will have issues with another pregnancy. I guess I see that as a selfish decision on your part. I am sure your DD is just fine and would love not growing up with a mother. Is that what you REALLY want for her??

WOW!!!!! Going to ask you the question you asked someone else, "Who peed in your Cheerios?" HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ANYONE!

 

[LaurenLC]

double post

 

[englishteacha]

I'm the youngest of 8 children. My father had 5 children, his wife passed away from Leukemia, and then he met my mom a couple of years later. They were going to have one more child, but my brother and sister were twins! 17 years later, I came along. My parents never asked for help with their children, though when my father was a single dad, his sister helped care for the 5 kids because he was working and she was not. I feel a big family nowadays is a bit more challenging than it was 30-40-50 years ago, and if this person knew that this pregnancy would be high-risk, I would wonder why they decided to continue to have children. I would hate to think that my desires would possibly lead to my children being without their mother.

 

[golfgal]

WOW!!!!! Going to ask you the question you asked someone else, "Who peed in your Cheerios?" HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ANYONE!

ONCE AGAIN-the issue is not how many kids they have or if they asked for help or not-the issue is would you risk your life, potentially leaving your children motherless to have another child. It isn't about driving in a car or other possible ACCIDENTS. This is about something that IS preventable.

 

[Mrs. Darcy]

ONCE AGAIN-the issue is not how many kids they have or if they asked for help or not-the issue is would you risk your life, potentially leaving your children motherless to have another child. It isn't about driving in a car or other possible ACCIDENTS. This is about something that IS preventable.

I may have misunderstood your original post, but I thought you were saying you take issue with them risking another pregnancy AND being asked to help them.

No, I wouldn't take a chance.
Yes, I would help them.