So nice to have a mother who cares. (UPDATE post 40)

[Marseeya]

I just need some hugs or sympathy.

I'm having some female health problems that have been getting steadily worse over the past few days. Even after telling my mother about it on Father's Day & explaining that I really wasn't up to going to their house, she laid a big fat guilt trip on me, so we ended up going while I was miserable the whole time. Then she informed me that I "had" to take my father to an eye doctor's appt this Friday, which, whatever, I'd have to find rides for the kids for their summer school & day camp, but that was just a major inconvenience and nothing I couldn't deal with.

I put a call in to my doctor to explain what was going on with me, and he told me to get in to his office this week -- Friday was the only opening until the 30th, and if I can't come this Friday, to go to the ER. So I had to call and explain this to my &^%$# mother. She, predictably, gave me a hard time about it, and when I told her that I have to think about my own health, she said, "Well, tough &^%$, someone has to take your dad to the eye doctor." Then she told me she didn't appreciate that, and told me to go to hell and hung up on me.

OMG.

She's always been mean and nasty, but this is just getting to be over the top lately with her insults and rude behavior.

 

[L107ANGEL]

I am sorry Marseeya You need to take care of yourseld first and foremost and if your own Mother can't understand that, well it may be time to back away from her.

 

[lindakmonty]

wow...are we related?? This sounds like what my mom would do! My first thought is.. why can't your mom take him? Why can't he take himself? You do need to take care of yourself here first. It sounds like she is just very controlling like my mom. I would call my Dr. and get in for an appt. you are the one that has your own family and own health to think about. I'm sure he can reschedule his appt. if its that important. Are you always the one to take them to appts? If you have a sibling, maybe they can take him? good luck!

 

[C.Ann]

"Guilt - the gift that keeps on giving..."

Do what you need to for your own health - that's the number 1 priority.. Dad can take a taxi to the eye doctor..

 

[Christine]

Wow. Unbelievable. Why can't she get your dad to the doctor?

You're doing the right thing and you need to go in. An eye appointment can be changed (I should know, I've changed mine 3 times!! )

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[imsorry]

first of all:

can't your dad take car service to the doctor? I had to when my DH was working and using our car. I went alone to all kinds of appointments - just called a private cab.

I don't know how old your parents are - your mom sounds like she might have a touch of alzheimers.

I hope YOU feel better - take care of yourself first!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Wow--and what praytell is mom so busy with that she can't bust your dad on over to his appt herself!

I'm sorry--dad goes on the side burner. He can call a cab if necessary. Take care of YOU!

 

[AC7179]

Jeez! You are getting it from both ends lately, aren't you?

Your health, esp if it is serious enough to warrant a possible ER trip, is more important than an eye dr. appointment, no matter what.

Your dad can reschedule.

I hope you get to feeling better soon!

 

[Marseeya]

Let me explain something about my mother's state of health. First of all, she was a nurse for 40 years. When anyone around her got sick, they had to be in crisis before she'd take it seriously. Nobody was ever as sick as her, and nobody's ailments mattered to her. A byproduct of being a nurse? I have no idea. She's been "dying" (according to her) since she was in her 30s. About 20 years ago, she gave up driving, and about 10 years ago, she gave up walking. Just gave it up and put herself in a wheelchair. I'm not making this up. Walking hurt her (walking hurts anyone who weighs 300 pounds), so she just decided that she was an invalid. After a decade of that, she truly became an invalid and she's now homebound. Over a year ago, she ended up in the hospital with some kind of heart infection, and nearly died. After that, she just gave up on her life completely and now she has to be taken care of 24/7 by my dad. According to her doctor, she could have made a good recovery if she would have followed through with her rehab, but she refused to participate. She also had lost around 50 pounds, but has since put it all back on. So now she only gets around with a walker or wheelchair, and that's just the way she likes it. I'm being totally serious when I say that she has been living for this type of life for as long as I can remember.

Because I live a block away, I'm the one who gets all the phone calls. And for some reason, for my entire life I'm the one who got all the abuse. She wouldn't dare treat my sister this way.

Oh, and I've mentioned this before, but my sister works full time while I am "just" a full time grad student, so my time off is up for grabs (I'm sure other SAHM's can relate to this feeling).

Thanks for the hugs. I needed it.

 

[RitaZ.]

How about your dad taking a cab? Is there a neighbor or friend that can take him?

 

[Stitchfans]

Where I live there is an inexpensive shuttle for senior citizens to take for dr visits, shopping, ect. Do you have one of those around you?

I agree you need to take care of yourself first. Afterall if something happens to you who will your mom have to kick around? I'm sorry mom or not I wouldn't let anyone treat me like that. She needs to get down from her pedistal, and start acting a lot nicer.

 

[Marseeya]

Yes, my dad has other means of getting there, including driving himself. No cabs in our small town, but we do have a senior citizen bus that will drive seniors to their appointments, or shopping, or to the senior center for a dollar or two. My sister could take off work, or my uncle could take him (he runs errands for other seniors for money). My DH even offered to take off work for it, despite the fact that it's not a good idea after just having all that time off for our vacation.

I did call her back and tell her I'd call the senior transportation for him.

It's just too much fun making me feel like dirt.

 

[4nana]

Sorry, sounds like your Mom has issues she needs to work on and not much gratitude towards you . I know she is you rmother, however, maybe you should consider the source, not let her do this guilt trip to you anymore and take care and love yourself first. Good luck with your health probs and at drs.

 

[lbgraves]

Mothers are not immune to being selfish witches. You need to take care of yourself & your children first. Your parents are NOT at the top of your list of concerns now that you have your own family & your mother needs to get use to that. Does your father even know about any of this. It sounds like he just needs to change his eye appointment if it is not life threatening. (((HUGS)))

 

[Disney Doll]

FWIW, I am a nurse, and while I'll be half dead myself before I go to the dctor, I send the people I love to the doctor when theyhave a sniffle, for God's sakes. Most nurses tend to "push" themselves farther health-wise than they should...I don't know of many who would "volunteer" to be an invalid.

So, you're not going to change your mother. What you have to change is your reaction to her. You need to start setting limits, so when her behavior starts to become verbally abusive, you simply say "I am not listening to this Mom. I'll speak with you another time" and hang up. One of two things will happpen...either she won't speak to you or bother you anymore, or she'll starighten up. Either thing will be an improvement.

Be prepared for it to take a while. You don't undo years of bad behavior with one limit-setting session.

 

[Jessd]

I am so sorry to hear how she is treating you. You need to take care of yourself first. She, as a former nurse should know how important it is to take care of yourself.

She should think of it this way: It isn't any good to anyone if you are so sick that you are admitted to a hospital for treatment. Then she would probably yell at you for laying around all day!

Seriously, I hope you are ok and that you go see your doctor. I hope your father is more understanding than your mother.

 

[antmaril]

So, you're not going to change your mother. What you have to change is your reaction to her. You need to start setting limits, so when her behavior starts to become verbally abusive, you simply say "I am not listening to this Mom. I'll speak with you another time" and hang up. One of two things will happpen...either she won't speak to you or bother you anymore, or she'll starighten up. Either thing will be an improvement.

Be prepared for it to take a while. You don't undo years of bad behavior with one limit-setting session.

I totally agree with Disney Doll. Your mother treats you this way because you allow it. When you tell her "enough", she will either stopping speaking to you altogether, or your situation will improve.

It won't happen overnight, but I really think you have to stop taking it.

It will be liberating for you - IMHO!

Good luck to you.

 

[Disney Ella]

So sorry to hear your mother is being so hateful. I hope the doctor is able to help you and you feel better soon.

 

[minkydog]

Yes, my dad has other means of getting there, including driving himself. No cabs in our small town, but we do have a senior citizen bus that will drive seniors to their appointments, or shopping, or to the senior center for a dollar or two. My sister could take off work, or my uncle could take him (he runs errands for other seniors for money). My DH even offered to take off work for it, despite the fact that it's not a good idea after just having all that time off for our vacation.

I did call her back and tell her I'd call the senior transportation for him.

It's just too much fun making me feel like dirt.

Marseeya, Marseeya People will only push us as far as we allow it. Your dad has some options. Let him figure it out. Your mom unloads on you because you have made it safe to unload. She doesn't do this to your sister because for whatever reason, your sister doesn't entertain it. I have the same situation with my mother and 2yrs ago i finally realized that no matter what i do, I will never make my mother adore me. She will never be proud of me or think of me as a functional adult. So I have put some distance in our relationship and it's now on my terms.

You are suffering under the delusion of false guilt--if you don't "perform" something TERRIBLE will happen and THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY! What's the worst thing that will happen if your dad doesn't get his eyes dilated He reschedules his appointment? The hardest part is remaining calm when your mom rants and raves and pulls out the "dying" card. When she tries to browbeat you into dropping everything to attend her, try the old broken record manuever: "I'm sorry, I can't help you now(or then or whenever.)" She will try a different tactic hoping to wear you down. Refuse to engage or explain. Keep saying "I'm sorry, I won't be available" "I can't help you" "I won't be available, I'm sorry." Get my drift. You don't give excuses. You don't explain your schedule or you own health matters(she obviously couldn't give a rats @$$.) Stay focused on those two sentences and keep making sentences out of the same words.

Didn't you ever do this with the kids? Eventually, she will get it. She may carry on, but she'll only make you feel guilty if guilty is what you want to feel. So decide if you want to keep putting up with it or not. If not, let it go(and let go of the illusion that somehow, someday you're going to be the perfect daughter that will make her dreams come true and she will love you forever--if it was gonna happen like that, it would have already happened. Time to move on now. )

 

[AprilShowers]

Minkydog has some great advice!

Marseeya, hugs to you