So nice to have a mother who cares. (UPDATE post 40)

[diznygirl]

I totally agree with Disney Doll. Your mother treats you this way because you allow it. When you tell her "enough", she will either stopping speaking to you altogether, or your situation will improve.

It won't happen overnight, but I really think you have to stop taking it.

It will be liberating for you - IMHO!

Good luck to you.

I disagree - I have the same type of mom. The difference is I don't live anywhere near her. I have not been "allowing it" for over 20 years now, but she still behaves this way. Why? Because she thinks she's right.

I will admit that I don't get it as bad as my brothers cuz they live right there (that's their own fault!! ) but I still get the crazy phone calls and requests.... like there's anything I can do! Example: she wasted an already-paid for plane ticket to come see me after birth of my first child - never got on the plane cuz she was "too scared." Then harassed me three days later cuz she hadn't received pics of the baby yet!!!!!

Marseeya!! Go punch a pillow or kick a wall! Take care of yourself!

 

[Keggy]

Marseeya - Hang in there and take care of yourself.

My mom can be a world class Witch with a capital B. I finally realized two years ago it wasn't me. So sad that it took me that long. I don't put up with it anymore and I am much happier. Is she any better? At times. But when she is disrespectful I don't put up with it. I walk away or I hang up. But I correct her. I always make sure to tell her that she needs to stop speaking to me in that tone (you know the one). If she doesn't that is her choice, but I have my choices to make too.

She tells my sister and I that she knows she is a horrible mom, all she can do is be a good grandmother now. WHATEVER, MOM!

Hang in there!

Kelly

 

[CarolG]

No advice, just lots more

 

[babytrees]

"Guilt - the gift that keeps on giving..."

Do what you need to for your own health - that's the number 1 priority.. Dad can take a taxi to the eye doctor..

I totally agree with this one and want to add:

 

[Marseeya]

Thank you all so much. You've really made me feel a good bit better about things.

Just a little update, my mother called me to see if I'd "calmed myself down any." Yeah, sure, Ma. Whatever. She told me not to worry about taking my dad to the eye doctor, that she was going to ride with him, so I asked her about the senior transport and again offered to call them, but she said she'd take care of it.

As for the advice regarding cutting her off when she does things like that, I know you're right. I used to do it when I first got married, and it really broke her of the name calling and nastiness. I've just spent the last several years becoming desensitized to it again... well, maybe not desensitized, but tolerant. So, if she's going to treat me that way again, I'll just hang up and not speak to her until she's being rational again. Diznygirl hit the nail on the head though, about my mom feeling she's right, or justified in her actions.

Minky, how are you doing? You've had a lot on your plate too. Did your son ever calm down on Father's Day?

 

[Cthia]

OMG, I can't believe your Mom is acting that way. You need to find some way for her to understand that treating you that way will not be tolerated.

There are so many senior services out there that they need to look into and use and not take advantage of you.

I hope that it isn't anything serious. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. :hugs:

Good luck with your family.

 

[CJRN]

hope this helps

I ahve to say I've been an RN for 19 yrs, and if anything, I help anyone/everyone (even the animals) that gets sick, but I sure hate being sick, and on the receiving end of the care.

Not sure if your mom has always been like this, but besides the great advice already offered, could she be suffering from depression?

Take care of Y-O-U first and foremost.

GOOD LUCK!

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm with Minkydog and Disneydoll, Marseeya. You have had a rough road with your Mom, but you need to take care of yourself and your family. An eye appointment is not life threatening, but is was a way for her to manipulate you into jumping thru a hoop. I don't know if you can retrain her but you can learn to change your own reaction to her. Good luck.

 

[minkydog]

Thank you all so much. You've really made me feel a good bit better about things.

Just a little update, my mother called me to see if I'd "calmed myself down any." Yeah, sure, Ma. Whatever. She told me not to worry about taking my dad to the eye doctor, that she was going to ride with him, so I asked her about the senior transport and again offered to call them, but she said she'd take care of it.

As for the advice regarding cutting her off when she does things like that, I know you're right. I used to do it when I first got married, and it really broke her of the name calling and nastiness. I've just spent the last several years becoming desensitized to it again... well, maybe not desensitized, but tolerant. So, if she's going to treat me that way again, I'll just hang up and not speak to her until she's being rational again. Diznygirl hit the nail on the head though, about my mom feeling she's right, or justified in her actions.

Minky, how are you doing? You've had a lot on your plate too. Did your son ever calm down on Father's Day?

They had a "chow-wow" this afternoon over a plate of chicken livers. Somehow, cooking together always calms them down. I'm so relieved--my IBS has been kicked up all weekend over them I know it seems silly to get so upset, but when my men are fighting, nothing goes right for me.

Glad your mom worked it out for your dad--somehow i knew she would. Someone very wise once told me to "Never be more invested in someone else's problem than they are." There is already one Savior of the world and I'm not it.

 

[NJOYURLIFE]

Sorry your mom is being such a pain. For some people life is just all about them.

I hope your health problems are not too serious and can be taken care of easily.

 

[Nancyg56]

Someone very wise once told me to "Never be more invested in someone else's problem than they are." There is already one Savior of the world and I'm not it.

This is one great piece of advice. With your permission, I am going to add it to my bits to live by. Right now, my DH is totally invested in his DN fiasco of a life, so I would like to share this with him.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Sorry you mom is being such a pain. You need to look after your health first. I am guessing that his eye appointment is just routine, so it can be resechuled. Can't you dad take a cab?

 

[LoraJ]

Glad it's all sorted out for Friday. It's just awful the way she treats you. Just continue to take care of yourself first.

 

[miss missy]

You didn't do anything wrong... oh well for Mom on this one! Gosh she wasn't nice at all! Dad's appt can be changed, your can't... do what you have to for you first... the DR sounds like he isn't playing... he means get in there, so listen to him, not Mom!

 

[princess pooh]

Oh Marseeya, I really feel for you. My grandmother sounds like your mom, and she says that kind of stuff to my dad all the time. One time he couldn't drive her to an appointment so she screamed "I'm sorry I'm not dead so I wouldn't be such an incovenience" and slammed down the phone. I can't offer any advice but I'm so sorry you have to deal with that crap when you're not feeling well.

 

[HenDuck]

just wanted to say:

1. I hope your health problems get better. You must take care of yourself first, as hard as it may be.

2. I pray that you will be able to cut those apron strings. Although my mom is not nearly as bad as yours, I have lived for decades under her guilt trips and manipulation. I am only now digging my way out from under it and I am finally finding peace in my own life. You will too! YOU have to set up boundaries and guard and protect them at ALL cost (I'm not kidding).

Take care!

 

[Marseeya]

Thank you all again.

I'm feeling better about it today. I think my hormones are completely out of whack because I go from being really irritable one minute, to teary eyed the next -- and I'm definitely not one to get teary eyed.

The health issue probably isn't all that serious, but I want to get it straightened out. I went on the pill a couple of months ago to stop ovulation (I have extremely painful ones), and it's the kind where you only get a period every three months. Well, I missed the first two months just fine, but the third month I started and it's been three weeks now with no end in sight. I've got all the PMS symptoms, plus I'm so fatigued I can barely keep my eyes open. The doctor said since I've been bleeding for so long, he wants to see me. Joy.

 

[Disneyrsh]

When you are able to prevent her from hurting you emotionally, I think you will also find you will suffer less physically, too.

Think of dealing drastically with your mother as your first step to physical healing.

Physical pain and emotional pain are absolutely interconnected-can't get rid of one without getting rid of the other-the stress is literally eating you up inside...

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Hugs to you! Repeat after me "NOT MY DRAMA!"

My mother has decided lately that I must be the bad person in the scenarios surrounding my father's estate. Instead of being "the daughter who is helping her get her child support" I am "the daughter who is filing suit against the other daughter". My sister, Greedy, told my mother to GO HOME after the funeral. She said she didn't want Mother's help, that she could handle the estate by herself. Now Greedy wants Mother to drive BACK down here and help her since she got the demand letter from my attorney. Of course Mother will come, and of course it will be MY fault!

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, should stand in the way of you taking care of yourself. Unless your dad has a sharp object protruding from his eye then his appointment can wait or he can find another mode of transport.

Have you asked your Dr. about Depo Provera injections? Possibly an option you could consider.

 

[Marseeya]

Just wanted to update:

I went to the doctor today. I really hate those big OB/GYN offices where you'll never see the same doctor twice. I wish I could find one single doctor. Anyway, he took me off the pill. They wanted to do an endometrial biopsy today, but they didn't have any better reason than my age (39), so I asked if we could hold off on it. The thing is, I have to pay for those things out of pocket, so I'd rather not do it just based on my age. So, they agreed and said if my period doesn't stop in the next week/week 1/2, then I'll go in and have it done.

And, my mom and dad had a huge drama over the whole eye doctor thing. She called for a ride from the senior transportation and my dad HAD A FIT. "Oh, you think I'm too incompetent to drive, I can't give up my freedom, there's nothing wrong with my driving, I won't do it, I won't, I won't, I won't!!!" Then my mother went into tears and raging saying, "You've got to think about me for a change," (OMG, as if he doesn't wait on her hand and foot!) "what if you get killed in a car accident, who will take care of me???"

So now there's a whole other issue to deal with for them. My dad is having to face not being able to drive. He really shouldn't be driving AT. ALL. But, there's no amount of reasoning with him to get him off the roads. At least my mom can keep him off the highway.