So is this tacky or am I old fashioned ?

[okeydokey]

I think it's tacky. I politely turned down a couple of requests from friends to throw me a shower for my second (two years after my first). I figured if anyone wanted to visit after my son my born, they would. If anyone wanted to bring an outfit or toy, they would.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

When my oldest dd had her first baby we had a big baby shower.

She had her second (another boy) two years later. We had a small shower but asked close friends for things like casseroles (frozen), restaurant gift cards, diapers, wipes, etc.

She had her third baby (suprise) 6 years after the second - a girl! We had another shower since she had long given away all her baby items. She got tons of cute girl things and lots of pink.

It's fairly common in our area.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

In my area & circle of friends we have showers for EVERY baby. I had never even heard of only having one for the first baby until I read it here on the Dis. I think you might just be behind the times!

Why would only the first baby be worthy of gifts? That seems a little mean to me?

ITA (Even though I'm showerless for my 2nd, a child of opposite gender, but that's just because of a sucky family)

 

[cabanafrau]

The multiple shower phenomenon is trying to become commonplace here, but generally is not well-received. Outside of special circumstances, I find it ridiculous personally.

That said, it doesn't mean I think only a first should be celebrated. If I send a card, visit w/ a gift and sometimes even provide a meal or two, is that not an okay way to celebrate a new little one, or must it be a shower? If it must be a shower, don't expect a welcome baby gift also.

IMO I think a lot of this excess is driven by the same phenomenon where women are focused on the ultimate princess bridal experience and can't let that go once their day in the sun is over. I want to come to your wedding & celebrate the start of your marriage. Not so fun when what you really want is for people to spend the evening admiring your flowers, theme, decor, obscenely expensive dress, etc., etc., etc. I want to spend the evening in good company, celebrating your wonderful, happy future.

 

[MiniGirl]

The multiple shower phenomenon is trying to become commonplace here, but generally is not well-received. Outside of special circumstances, I find it ridiculous personally.

That said, it doesn't mean I think only a first should be celebrated. If I send a card, visit w/ a gift and sometimes even provide a meal or two, is that not an okay way to celebrate a new little one, or must it be a shower? If it must be a shower, don't expect a welcome baby gift also.

IMO I think a lot of this excess is driven by the same phenomenon where women are focused on the ultimate princess bridal experience and can't let that go once their day in the sun is over. I want to come to your wedding & celebrate the start of your marriage. Not so fun when what you really want is for people to spend the evening admiring your flowers, theme, decor, obscenely expensive dress, etc., etc., etc. I want to spend the evening in good company, celebrating your wonderful, happy future.

Of course it doesn't have to be a shower. It is just what is common in your area. Personally, I enjoyed the shower for my 2nd baby because it meant I didn't have people dropping by or visiting after we got home. Also, remembering how I really didn't enjoy company at that time makes me reluctant to visit others with newborns.

I really don't understand what the big deal. As people have stated, in areas where showers for second, third, etc children are commonplace, it is generally a low key celebration that just uses the word "shower." It is not a "gift grab" or a way to prolong their stay in the spotlight. It is simply a way to celebrate a new life and the family and friends this new life will impact. If it is something one finds offensive or tacky, then that person needn't attend.

As stated earlier, I appreciated the thought and liked that it meant not having lots of visitors. I really treasured my privacy after my babies were born, and found having guests a little intrusive.

 

[Scurvy]

It's tacky.

You shower the mother to be with gifts and necessities. No one is saying be mean to a baby - over-react much?

Exactly. The shower is for the woman, to celebrate and help her to prepare for becoming a mother.

I don't get why people so often object to the etiquette "rule" of one shower per mother by saying that every baby should be celebrated. Of course every baby should be celebrated. Even those of us who choose to follow the etiquette experts' advice and have only one shower per mother still celebrate every baby. We just don't do it with showers for each pregnancy. It's not like we make a big huge deal over the first child and then ignore any other children that might come along, but that's what some people make it sound like. There are plenty of ways to celebrate a baby without throwing a shower.

If you want to ignore traditional "rules" of etiquette and throw a shower every time someone gets pregnant, feel free. But don't act like those of us who do choose to observe tradtional etiquette are ignoring every baby whose arrival isn't marked by a shower, because that's ridiculous. It's a straw man argument.

 

[cabanafrau]

Of course it doesn't have to be a shower. It is just what is common in your area. Personally, I enjoyed the shower for my 2nd baby because it meant I didn't have people dropping by or visiting after we got home. Also, remembering how I really didn't enjoy company at that time makes me reluctant to visit others with newborns.

I really don't understand what the big deal. As people have stated, in areas where showers for second, third, etc children are commonplace, it is generally a low key celebration that just uses the word "shower." It is not a "gift grab" or a way to prolong their stay in the spotlight. It is simply a way to celebrate a new life and the family and friends this new life will impact. If it is something one finds offensive or tacky, then that person needn't attend.

As stated earlier, I appreciated the thought and liked that it meant not having lots of visitors. I really treasured my privacy after my babies were born, and found having guests a little intrusive.

I completely understand what it's like not to be prepared to entertain company w/ a newborn. I wasn't suggesting anything that burdens mom because I've been there, done that myself.

If multiple showers are commonplace in different regions & people are accustomed to it, that's no big deal to me. Several times I have made arrangements to deliver frozen meals before baby is expected, once or twice while mom was still in the hospital & several just an arranged drop to the door w/ only a card. Usually it's possible to make arrangements to pop in a few weeks later with a gift, have a glass of ice tea, maybe hold baby while mom gets a shower, help w/ a load of laundry or swipe down the bathroom, admire baby some more & be on my way. All very low impact way of saying, congrats, your little one is darling, let me know if you need a hand.

Friends & family who did the same for me probably helped save my life & sanity at the time. It's just a matter of what you prefer & what works for you I guess.

 

[luvmy3]

There are a few exceptions where a shower for subsequent children would not be tacky, the OP is not one of them.


Of course after being here a few years I do realize that different regions celebrate things in different ways. Where I am, when a woman has a second, third, etc child people usually buy a gift for the new baby, and for the new "big" sibling, or they just send a card, to congratulate the family on the birth of the baby. Nobody ever has a second shower thrown fo rthem to celebrate becoming a mother again. To me it seems like nothing more than a gift grab to do it.

 

[Sorsha]

This has been an illuminating thread.

I honestly wasn't aware that, after the birth of my third child, when the ladies from my church called me (unsolicited) and told me that my shower had been scheduled for such-and-such a time, that I had orchestrated a "gift grab"!

I wasn't aware, as I sat around with the church ladies cooing over my new baby, and all the little kids running around in the church yard playing tag with my older kids, as we ate potluck supper and homemade carrot cake, that I was being "tacky".

I wasn't aware that all of the ladies like me who benefit from a box of diapers or a homemade afghan or a new package of socks for the new baby were doing it all wrong! Apparently the only proper way to celebrate a new life is by taking a gift to the new mom's house, NEVER a group party to celebrate the new life with friends. Goodness, how improper and selfish of me.

Wow, sometimes being too stuck on what's "proper" makes people sound really really judgemental and, quite frankly, no fun. If I am tacky because I threw a shower for the lady down the street who just had her third baby, then I guess I am guilty as charged. But we had fun.

 

[shortbun]

I just don't spend my time spinning about stuff like this. Live and let live.

 

[Disneyrsh]

ok

 

[Scurvy]

It sounds like you didn't have a shower-a shower is properly given before the birth of the first child. What your friends at the church did sounds more like a welcome party to me.

I have to agree for the most part, although for some religions/cultures the shower actually is held just after the baby's birth, and it's acceptable to hold the shower afterward for other reasons as well. But not all parties that involve new babies are showers. "Welcome baby" or "Meet the baby" parties are perfectly acceptable according to etiquette. The difference is that showers are considered traditional gift giving events. It is expected that guests will show up with presents. People even register for them. Other parties are not seen as gift giving events. While people likely will show up with gifts of some kind, they may be smaller than those brought to showers. And certainly no one would register for "Meet the baby" gifts. You can still celebrate the baby, you can still get together with your friends and do all the things Sorsha listed, without being tacky. Just don't call it a shower, don't register for gifts and have the party after the baby is born instead of beforehand. Even those who are sticklers for traditional etiquette are not going to find anything wrong with that. It's absurd they way people keep presenting this is though the choice is to have fun and celebrate the baby or to follow etiquette. It's perfectly possible to do both.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I'm 42. We also have showers for each baby.

I never heard of the one shower thing until I joined the DIS.

I'm 55 same experience here too

 

[dakcp2001]

It's tacky.



Exactly. The shower is for the woman, to celebrate and help her to prepare for becoming a mother.

I don't get why people so often object to the etiquette "rule" of one shower per mother by saying that every baby should be celebrated. Of course every baby should be celebrated. Even those of us who choose to follow the etiquette experts' advice and have only one shower per mother still celebrate every baby. We just don't do it with showers for each pregnancy. It's not like we make a big huge deal over the first child and then ignore any other children that might come along, but that's what some people make it sound like. There are plenty of ways to celebrate a baby without throwing a shower.

If you want to ignore traditional "rules" of etiquette and throw a shower every time someone gets pregnant, feel free. But don't act like those of us who do choose to observe tradtional etiquette are ignoring every baby whose arrival isn't marked by a shower, because that's ridiculous. It's a straw man argument.

The times they are a changing! These tradional rules are how old? I honestly have never heard of this ONE shower thing until I read about it on the Dis. In my part of the world, people have showers for every baby, that is how it has been for the last 30 years. Your area is obviously different. What the norm is here, is different in other areas. I don't have any children, but I have been to plenty of showers for first, second, third and so on babies. We are not ignoring your etiquette, ours is just different. Ijust asked my neighbor about this one, she is 72, and she said she had never heard of the one shower rule either.

One thing I have learned from the DIS is people spend way too much time hemming and hawwing about their idea of how other people should live their lives.That is what is tacky. I never realized how judgemental people could be about weddings and showers, they really bring out the crazy in people!


PS In my area mothers to be do not plan their own showers, we throw them for each other. So calling someone tacky is sort of irrelevant, since I am sure they didnt plan their own second shower. Is this different in your parts? Do moms plan their own showers?

 

[luvmy3]

This has been an illuminating thread.

I honestly wasn't aware that, after the birth of my third child, when the ladies from my church called me (unsolicited) and told me that my shower had been scheduled for such-and-such a time, that I had orchestrated a "gift grab"!

I wasn't aware, as I sat around with the church ladies cooing over my new baby, and all the little kids running around in the church yard playing tag with my older kids, as we ate potluck supper and homemade carrot cake, that I was being "tacky".

I wasn't aware that all of the ladies like me who benefit from a box of diapers or a homemade afghan or a new package of socks for the new baby were doing it all wrong! Apparently the only proper way to celebrate a new life is by taking a gift to the new mom's house, NEVER a group party to celebrate the new life with friends. Goodness, how improper and selfish of me.

Wow, sometimes being too stuck on what's "proper" makes people sound really really judgemental and, quite frankly, no fun. If I am tacky because I threw a shower for the lady down the street who just had her third baby, then I guess I am guilty as charged. But we had fun.

I have to agree for the most part, although for some religions/cultures the shower actually is held just after the baby's birth, and it's acceptable to hold the shower afterward for other reasons as well. But not all parties that involve new babies are showers. "Welcome baby" or "Meet the baby" parties are perfectly acceptable according to etiquette. The difference is that showers are considered traditional gift giving events. It is expected that guests will show up with presents. People even register for them. Other parties are not seen as gift giving events. While people likely will show up with gifts of some kind, they may be smaller than those brought to showers. And certainly no one would register for "Meet the baby" gifts. You can still celebrate the baby, you can still get together with your friends and do all the things Sorsha listed, without being tacky. Just don't call it a shower, don't register for gifts and have the party after the baby is born instead of beforehand. Even those who are sticklers for traditional etiquette are not going to find anything wrong with that. It's absurd they way people keep presenting this is though the choice is to have fun and celebrate the baby or to follow etiquette. It's perfectly possible to do both.

Exactly A shower is a specific type of celebration, one for the sole purpose of showering someone with gifts. If you call something a shower, its implied that gifts are to be given to the guest of honor, so having a shower for a second child is very much a gift grab for that child, which IMO is tacky. Having a get together, or a party to welcome a baby to the family or whatever is not the same thing.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

I'd never known it was "tacky" to have a shower for a second child until being on various groups on the 'net {exposure to all these regional things, lol}) Count me in the "each new life to be celebrated" camp. I should add though too, we don't do showers, first or subsequent, as huge things anyway. Cake and snack foods at someone's house. Everyone brings a gift, but no one but maybe the grandparents {or a pool of friends} would be buying anything big ticket anyway.

There's pictures of me as a toddler at my mom's second shower.

 

[Scurvy]

The times they are a changing! These tradional rules are how old? I honestly have never heard of this ONE shower thing until I read about it on the Dis. In my part of the world, people have showers for every baby, that is how it has been for the last 30 years. Your area is obviously different. What the norm is here, is different in other areas. I don't have any children, but I have been to plenty of showers for first, second, third and so on babies. We are not ignoring your etiquette, ours is just different. Ijust asked my neighbor about this one, she is 72, and she said she had never heard of the one shower rule either.

----------

PS In my area mothers to be do not plan their own showers, we throw them for each other. So calling someone tacky is sort of irrelevant, since I am sure they didnt plan their own second shower. Is this different in your parts? Do moms plan their own showers?

No, it's considered incredibly tacky for someone to plan their own shower. That's never acceptable. I don't know that the guest of honor is always considered tacky for accepting another shower, if they aren't in on the planning. I would think not. But it is tacky for someone to throw them a shower.

Definitely there are regional variations in etiquette and some things that are frowned on the the etiquette experts are considered acceptable by some groups of people. Just look at money dances, cash bars and the "cover your plate" mentality in some areas!

And certainly etiquette does evolve over time. There have been lots of changes over the years. But the one shower thing is still considered to be the "rule" by the experts. It's been the case since before I got my first etiquette book at age 13, and it was in the most recent edition, as well. People are free to disregard that if they choose, of course. And obviously if they aren't aware of traditional etiquette then they can't very well follow it. But those who are aware of traditional etiquette, and care about following it, wouldn't throw or accept multiple showers for the same mother under most circumstances.

 

[pixiefairy]

It all depends on the family or circle of friends around here. I had a shower for my first...my second came nearly 6 years later, so new gear was definitely needed. My dd was born a few weeks after Christmas...she was the first girl, but I didn't have a shower, she was given gifts while still in utero for Christmas, lol. THey added her on to the grab bag with my inlaws, and my one aunt, mom and sister got her things for Christmas on my side. I had another boy 16 months later...friends threw a surprise party. Not needed...but still super nice. Clothing and diapers are always welcome...and you didnt' need to bring anything...just come and celebrate, have some cake and food. My last son was 2 years later, no shower. No big deal...and people did come bearing gifts when he was born. I am unusual with 5 kids...and luckily...no one has gotten sick of me (or them) yet, lol. I never expected a shower for my 3rd son..but it was a nice gesture from my neighborhood friends.

 

[NMAmy]

Since we seem to keep mentioning proper etiquette, I thought I'd check with the experts:

From Peggy Post:

For the week of June 20, 2005

Q. Is it proper etiquette for an expectant mother to host a baby shower for her 2nd baby?

A. While it is never appropriate for someone to host a shower (baby or bridal) for themselves, it is perfectly fine to throw a baby shower for a mother’s second or third baby, as long as the guest list is limited to close relatives and very close friends and/or guests who did not attend a shower for the first child. It is an especially nice event for the mother-to-be if several years have passed since the last baby was born, since the parents will have fewer hand-me-downs for the new arrival. Location can also play a part. When a growing family has moved to another city or town, it makes sense for their new friends to throw a shower, regardless of how many children the parents have

http://s197.n132.n172.n72.static.myhostcenter.com/questions/2005archive.htm

And from Miss Manners:

DEAR MISS MANNERS -- I have been invited to a baby shower for a friend's second child. The first one is just turning 2 years old. I always thought baby showers were for your first child and you used the baby items again for your second child. To me it seems they are begging for gifts.
My daughter claims this is the norm these days. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER -- That your daughter is right: Begging for gifts is normal these days. It is also vulgar, of course. You are also right that baby showers are supposed to be for the expectation of a baby's appearing in a household not already over-run with baby equipment.

But Miss Manners makes an exception for an informal gathering of the expectant mother's close friends who are moved to make a fuss over her a second -- or fifth -- time. However, the plea that a more formal gathering for the lady's entire acquaintance, complete with those detestable gift registries, would enable the guest of honor to parcel out her shopping is not charming

http://www.newsnet5.com/dpp/lifestyle/miss_manners/miss-manners:-a-baby-shower-for-a-2nd-child?

 

[pigletgirl]

No, it isn't tacky. Each baby should be cherished and get their own set of stuff. They are already going to be loaded down with hand-me-downs, so why not do it? Plus it doesn't have to be more clothes, toys, ect.

If it bothers you so much, don't go! Plus its also an excuse to get together and have girl time too.