So, is this harsh or not?

[Maleficent13]

I have a friend (let's call her Steph) who is going through a REALLY difficult time. Her grandmother was admitted to hospice last week and will go at any time. As a matter of fact, they called the family in early this morning saying it will be soon.

To add to the downpour, her OTHER grandmother died this morning unexpectedly.

She is totally overwhelmed. When she gets stressed/emotional/overwhelmed, she folds in on herself (meaning: she wants to be left alone). She has a boyfriend who she's been dating for 2 years. He knows this about her. He keeps bugging her to let him come over, let him "help" her...she doesn't want to be helped or coddled right now.

Anyway, this morning Steph called another one of her friends (Joan) to update her on the situation (she's been keeping in touch with all of us via email and phone). Joan works near the hospice and asked if she could stop by with some food. Steph agreed and so Joan did.

Boyfriend calls during Joan's visit, and is now really ticked with Steph. He keeps texting/calling her stating things like "I really wish you wouldn't push me away!" "You let JOAN come over!" "I want you to let me be there for you!" "I want you to let me see you!"

Her response to him is, "I really wish you could see this isn't about you."

So, is she treating him harshly? I have my own opinion but I won't share it yet.

 

[darrose]

Harsh, but she has to deal with this the way thats best for her. Its probably bad news for him if she doesnt trust him enough to share her grieif, pain, etc. as well as the good times. This is probably a good thing for them to know before they decide to get married.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I
Boyfriend calls during Joan's visit, and is now really ticked with Steph. He keeps texting/calling her stating things like "I really wish you wouldn't push me away!" "You let JOAN come over!" "I want you to let me be there for you!" "I want you to let me see you!"

Her response to him is, "I really wish you could see this isn't about you."

So, is she treating him harshly? I have my own opinion but I won't share it yet.

Bottom line, my take on it?

He is immature and she is passive aggressive. My guess is their relationship is run like this.

He has to "make noise" to get her attention, as you said she is a "retreater" when she is stressed.

Both are "harsh", I think they are doing what they always do under stress.

 

[RadioFanatic]

If I was the guy, I would be upset, but I would leave her be for now. I would want to discuss it with her later though.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

A boyfriend of 2 years should know she is a retreater. I don't think she was harsh.

 

[luvwinnie]

It's very hard for me to understand why she won't let her boyfriend of TWO YEARS help support her through this...but then I'm not one to "fold into myself"....I can't imagine not wanting some help.

 

[mickeyfan2]

It's very hard for me to understand why she won't let her boyfriend of TWO YEARS help support her through this...but then I'm not one to "fold into myself"....I can't imagine not wanting some help.

Ditto. During the tough times it is nice to have somebody else to lean on.

 

[horseshowmom]

If I were him, and I'd been dating her for two years, and I was wanting to "be there" for her, my feelings would be hurt.

On the other hand, once she'd told me to stay away, I would. She has the right to deal with it in the way that's best for her.

But if it's this way after two years, I'd have to re-evaluate the relationship. It sounds like their ways of dealing with things are polar opposites.

I do feel really sorry for her though. She's going through an awful lot right now.

 

[VSL]

Yeah ^^^ what sbclifton said.

 

[hlbtimes2]

We all mourn and grieve in our own way. He knows she likes to do it on her own. He needs to back off and give her some space.

 

[CajunDixie]

This isn't about "him" but it looks like he's trying to make it that way. She's an adult and there's no law that says she has to depend on a bf for support. She's made her wishes clear so he needs to back off and except that she wants to be alone right now. If he can't accept that then maybe he needs to find a needy person.

 

[mickeyboat]

He is being selfish as far as I can see. Yes, after two years you would think she would lean on him, but she isn't built that way, and he should know that by now.

To dump his hurt feelings onto her right now is pretty low. She has enough on her plate, and shouldn't have to be bothered by his insecurities about the relationship.

I do think an evaluation of the relationship is in order, though. If they make a permanent commitment, there will be countless instances of stress and hardship, and they need to navigate some course to get through those times without resentment.

Denae

 

[RadioNate]

As usual I'm torn. I don't think that after 2 years she should be totally pushing him away. After 2 years he should be able to see her and help her, I understand why his feelings are hurt. BUT I also think that now is not the time for him to be a baby about it. I think he's being immature by trying to switch her focus to him and his need to help her instead of where it really should be which is on herself and her family.

I agree with the others that I think they both should reevaluate their relationship. If she can't let him 'in' after 2 years and he can't let her attention be off him during a time of family sorrow then I don't think either one belongs in the relationship.

 

[phorsenuf]

While I can understand the BF's feelings being hurt he should back off some. Sometimes a girl just needs a girl, you know what I mean?

It also seems to me that she may feel insecure with her relationship with him. Maybe she doesn't want him to see her this way, maybe she's feeling self-conscious with her feelings. Is it possible she's been burned before in a serious relationship and thats why she's afraid to let him in.
So many thoughts......

 

[cardaway]

I've been the guy in that situation and found the only thing you can do is say "fine, when you're ready, call me and I'll be there for you"... and then leave them alone.

 

[Disney Doll]

Chances are that this is not the first time they've done the "retreat" and "save" dance. It's probably a lot of the reason why they are together.

She retreats, yet likes to know she has someone who will "save" her if she decides she needs it. He needs someone to save.

It's co-dependent thing.

If I were him, I'd probably take another look at continuing in a relationship with her becuase I think relationships are about sharing. I think they are about leaning on your mate during difficult times and celebrating with him during good times. A mate...the right mate...can share all of your ups and downs, will be there for you, and you go through them together. To me, not wanting to share something like this with your mate says a lot... and none of it's good.

 

[RitaZ.]

To me, not wanting to share something like this with your mate says a lot... and none of it's good.

I agree.

They have been dating for 2 years, that's a long time. If a person keeps pushing their loved ones away, pretty soon they will find themselves alone. Maybe that's what she thinks she deserves.

If I was him, I would be upset with her. He wants to be there for her during such a difficult time, what's wrong with that? If the guy wanted nothing to do with her during this time, then he would be considered a worthless jerk.

Difficult times are a lot easier to handle when you have a strong support system.

 

[Maleficent13]

Well, I've been in meetings all afternoon, so I'll chime in now!

I understand her; I'm alot like her. I too retreat when I'm upset. It's something I have had to work on with DH. I do think this is something they need to deal with in a "normal" time; it seems very immature to me for him to push it on her right now with everything else. And like someone said, sometimes you just need a girlfriend. No disrespect to mates, but I know Joan went in there, gave her food, told her to call if she needed anything and left her alone. Same thing I've been doing. As Steph said to me: "If BF was here, I'd have to entertain him, and I just can't cope with that right now."

 

[darrose]

Yeah, but if she was married to him what would she do? He would be IN their home living his life right beside her.

As hard as it is for her, now is probably a good time to find out shes just not that in to him if after two years that she feels she has to entertain him when he is expressing his desire to be there for her.

Also, how many days has he been kept away? Just hours, one day, few days, a week, weeks while she has been dealing with her grief?

 

[mom2boys]

I don't see it as the same thing. The friend took action.