so I gave dd lunch $ & she used it for somethining else

[MushyMushy]

Something like that wouldn't even cross my radar in middle school. In fact, I sent money with the understanding that if they spent it on something other than lunch, it wasn't getting replaced -- that they'd have to go without lunch or pack their own.

Reminds me of when I was a teen. My dad gave us $1.50 for lunch every day and I spent it on cigarettes.

Powderpuff game? I'd be thrilled.

 

[FireDancer]

I'd place her in therapy now. Misuse of lunch money leads to the misuse of your employer's washing machine later in life and, as everybody knows, that leads to shaking other people's babies.

Or perhaps instead look at it like no big deal. It sounds like she was honest about it. If she lied about it then the lying would be an issue more then the lunch money IMO. I think just about every kid has used their lunch money for something they shouldn't at some point in history. As a senior in H.S. I used my lunch money to play pool in our senior lounge almost every day and I wasn't the only one.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It strikes me that if she DID have an allowance (you mention she has none to take away) she would have had money for the game without having to ask you. It is likely her friends were buying tickets THEN and she was embarrassed not to be able to join in. You seem really worried about teasing so I am thinking she has had issues fitting in in the past (perhaps?).

I also read your other thread about her not caring about school work. In both cases you talk about her having nothing to take away. Tis is a big red lag for me. WHY does she have nothing she loves/care about to lose? No 12 year old should be living a life with nothing to look forward to or care about doing/owning. If she truly has no belonging or activities she cherishes (and she should have several) then you have MUCH bigger issues on your hands than $5 spent pretty much any which way.

It seems to me, from this admittedly very limited picture from two threads) that there are a few things possibly going on here:

1. You are seriously overreacting to little things ($5 is not that big o a deal--she did not steal it, most parents would figure having not had lunch was punishment enough. I would probably not let her eat a snack and be hungry until dinner time an that would be the extent of it, oh and I would ask her why she didn't just ask for the money for the ticket: was she afraid to? Did she forget? Is she worried about our financial situation? etc.).

2. You may be overly controlling of her life. You have not provided an allowance or anything else she values enough that it would bother her to lose it. You have not provided her a fun activity to look forward to (which can often HELP motivate a student). You have not provided her with belongings she cares for. You have not fostered her getting out and socializing (so that being grounded, not allowed to sue the phone, etc would be something to take away). Essentially, you have somehow managed to not allow her to hae a life beyond what you are there for in the moment (she doesn't even ave $5 for a ticket to a school event without asking for it--which for some reason she can;t or won't do).

3. She is depressed--thus the apathy related to school and not caring about anything enough for its loss to matter.

4. She is overwhelmed with all of the responsibility of middle school and forgetting things and shutting down when it all gets to be too much. She may also be struggling academically and not just being lazy (things really pick up at this stage and sometimes really bright kids with learning disabilities can compensate right up until this point and then suddenly hit a wall--having compensated before no one knows there is an LD there and they feel "stupid" at that age so do not ask for help and parents just see laziness. This could be compound by her reluctance to bring things to your attention--even little things like needing money for a game ticket).

Honestly, in light of your other thread, I would respond to this with compassion and love and apologize for having ever given her the impression that she should have to choose between lunch or the game--set up an allowance ASAP and then watch to see where else the problem lies. Good luck.

 

[Arielle22]

This is not a hill I would want to die on.

Unless there was some previous problem with your DD and dishonesty, I would think that she was very excited to go to the game and wanted to make sure she got her ticket.

She wanted the ticket enough to forgo lunch so it seems she knew the consequences of her action.

If she hid it from you I would be more concerned but it doesn't seem that way.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I'm still not finished reading - but I'll make a comment -

she chose to go without lunch. Why should I be concerned. The school would feed her without money in her account - they give them a cheese sand - of course not what she'd want to eat - but they would feed her if she went thru the line.

I DO give her money for lunch -but she has to take the money to school - I do not write checks I use cash. SOOO that's the only way to get money on her account. UNLESS I go up there & hand it to the lunch ladies myself.

 

[Magpie]

I'm still not finished reading - but I'll make a comment -

she chose to go without lunch. Why should I be concerned. The school would feed her without money in her account - they give them a cheese sand - of course not what she'd want to eat - but they would feed her if she went thru the line.

I DO give her money for lunch -but she has to take the money to school - I do not write checks I use cash. SOOO that's the only way to get money on her account. UNLESS I go up there & hand it to the lunch ladies myself.

Will the school expect you to pay up later for that cheese sandwich?

 

[luvmyfam444]

Wow I can't believe this question! Are you serious?

I'm thinking great she made a decision on her own and was pro active and solved a problem. Just what I want her learning to do and why I am raising her to be an independent thinker and problem solver. OP you made a mistake. You knew about the game and didn't give her money for a ticket and who knows they may have said in school the tickets are going fast, we won't sell more when they are gone, or time is running out, something that made it a priority in her mind and she said to her self I have $5 either eat or get the ticket that I really want and they may not have tomorrow. She chose the ticket and had to go without lunch but did it on her own..

I say YEAH way to go learning to make choices with consequences and decisions.

PS I"d be very annoyed at myself that I put her in the spot to have to make that choice, I should have given her the money for the ticket AND lunch.

WOAHHHH! Yes I'm TOTALLY serious! NO, I DID NOT make a mistake. The tickets go on sale for a week & a half or so up until the day of the game. That would have been the first day of them selling the tckts. They don't sell out. So I did not put her in a spot to make a choice.

 

[Skatermom23]

If you planned on giving her money to buy a ticket anyway, I don't see what the big deal is?

 

[Magpie]

WOAHHHH! Yes I'm TOTALLY serious! NO, I DID NOT make a mistake. The tickets go on sale for a week & a half or so up until the day of the game. That would have been the first day of them selling the tckts. They don't sell out. So I did not put her in a spot to make a choice.

So the child was excited about the game. 12yos aren't renowned for their ability to delay gratification.

If you have to pay for the cheese sandwich, then make her pay you back via chores or her savings (I understand you don't give her an allowance). If you don't have to pay for the sandwich, then just tell her you won't be sending any more money to school with her.

Start having her make herself a sandwich in the morning before school, if you can't find the time to get to school to pre-pay for lunch.

 

[Cindy B]

I honestly don't see the big deal either. My kids have been making thier own lunches since about 2nd grade on. Now they are in 8th and 10 th grade so it s no big deal.

Since I tell them and if they CHOOSE not to make their lunch they either : a) go without b) have friends share with them c) eat when they get home

It's not a big deal, really.. it isn't .

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, but, just to be honest.... and admitting that we do not really know for sure, since this is just a chatboard....

This whole thing looks more and more like an overcontrolling, micro-managing, parent.

IF this is the case.... I am just trying to offer some well meaning advice.... OP, this isn't gonna fly as your daughter gets a little older, and if you continue to micromanage, restrict and control all cash on a cent-for-cent basis... punish for no real infraction, etc..... You are heading for some WAY more serious problems than a Power Puff game.

And the whole, I don't use checks.... that doesn't fly either....
Either stop at the school and pay them...
Put it in a sealed envelope with a note...
Do a funds transfer,
or get a checking account for heavens sake.

I am really feeling for the daughter.

Do you all remember the parent who all but wanted to behead her daughter and have her incarcerated because <GASP!!!! are you ready for this> she chose not to eat her chicken salad sandwich so she could have lunch with her friends.

 

[GothTink]

She went without lunch, which seems like a decent natural consequence to me.


I would leave it at that at her age.

Ditto

 

[Wishing on a star]

it strikes me that if she did have an allowance (you mention she has none to take away) she would have had money for the game without having to ask you. It is likely her friends were buying tickets then and she was embarrassed not to be able to join in. You seem really worried about teasing so i am thinking she has had issues fitting in in the past (perhaps?).

I also read your other thread about her not caring about school work. In both cases you talk about her having nothing to take away. Tis is a big red lag for me. Why does she have nothing she loves/care about to lose? No 12 year old should be living a life with nothing to look forward to or care about doing/owning. If she truly has no belonging or activities she cherishes (and she should have several) then you have much bigger issues on your hands than $5 spent pretty much any which way.

It seems to me, from this admittedly very limited picture from two threads) that there are a few things possibly going on here:

1. You are seriously overreacting to little things ($5 is not that big o a deal--she did not steal it, most parents would figure having not had lunch was punishment enough. I would probably not let her eat a snack and be hungry until dinner time an that would be the extent of it, oh and i would ask her why she didn't just ask for the money for the ticket: Was she afraid to? Did she forget? Is she worried about our financial situation? Etc.).

2. You may be overly controlling of her life. You have not provided an allowance or anything else she values enough that it would bother her to lose it. You have not provided her a fun activity to look forward to (which can often help motivate a student). You have not provided her with belongings she cares for. You have not fostered her getting out and socializing (so that being grounded, not allowed to sue the phone, etc would be something to take away). Essentially, you have somehow managed to not allow her to hae a life beyond what you are there for in the moment (she doesn't even ave $5 for a ticket to a school event without asking for it--which for some reason she can;t or won't do).

3. She is depressed--thus the apathy related to school and not caring about anything enough for its loss to matter.

4. She is overwhelmed with all of the responsibility of middle school and forgetting things and shutting down when it all gets to be too much. She may also be struggling academically and not just being lazy (things really pick up at this stage and sometimes really bright kids with learning disabilities can compensate right up until this point and then suddenly hit a wall--having compensated before no one knows there is an ld there and they feel "stupid" at that age so do not ask for help and parents just see laziness. This could be compound by her reluctance to bring things to your attention--even little things like needing money for a game ticket).

Honestly, in light of your other thread, i would respond to this with compassion and love and apologize for having ever given her the impression that she should have to choose between lunch or the game--set up an allowance asap and then watch to see where else the problem lies. Good luck.

amen!!!!!!!!

 

[MaumeeMom]

If this is the first time this has happened, I agree, she already paid for her actions by missing lunch. I would just sit down with her and let her know that she shouldn't have done it and WHY.

If this is a recurring problem, or if she lied about it, then I would send a sack lunch, maybe even have her pack it.

Seriously, if at 12yo this is the worst the kid has done, you are lucky.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Thanks to the posters who did not attack me! Even if we don't see eye to eye - thanks for not attacking.


No she has never had problems with deception. Yes, I feel that she did steal it from me - even though I handed it to her. I guess that's a differerence - I don't feel that rummaging thru my purse is any different.

The reason she was told was not to spend the $ on anything else was because that day I gave her $ for another event -they were serving hamburgers/pizza for some reason - so we discussed how much $ she needed for that - I gave it to her & then extra $5 for lunch $ (all the cash I had @ the time) and told her to make sure to put it in her lunch acct.

She didn't tell me she didn't use the money for lunch (or that she hadn't eaten lunch) I got the automated phone call from the school telling me the acct was empty that evening & I asked her why.

 

[Molliday]

No she has never had problems with deception. Yes, I feel that she did steal it from me - even though I handed it to her. I guess that's a differerence - I don't feel that rummaging thru my purse is any different.

That would a HUGE difference in my book.

 

[MichelleVW]

I can't imagine getting so worked up over something so petty.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Thanks for the advice!

 

[luvmyfam444]

I can't imagine getting so worked up over something so petty.

Who's all worked up?

 

[luvmyfam444]

That would a HUGE difference in my book.

so to you going thru a purse to get $ is stealing - but money handed to you for a specific purpose is not?