So I find myself in a strange position! WWYD

[kellyg403]

I recently went back to my old job. I had decided to quit about 18 months ago when it became very difficult to take care of mother who was going through breast cancer and working the full amount of hours needed for my position. I also, sometimes, had to leave at a moments notice to get to my mom. She wouldn't move closer to me so it was a three hour drive. She ended up in the hospital a few times etc. Anyway, to make a very long story short, I came back as an associate in Oct and then in Dec they convinced me to take my old position back as that person was no longer there. Other managers had changed but the top guy was the one I worked with before and he was the one who did the most convincing and worked really hard to get the money I needed. My one problem is the other manager. I am the only female management there out of the 4 of us. This particular mgr, who technically is above me, calls me sweetheart, sweetie. Its not the names per se, its the condensending attitude. Like 'it'll be o.k. little lady'. I have asked him to stop. I have been nice, kind, snarky, sarcastic and quite rude. After our last conversation, I called him for something and he said what ya need babe. So, I guess he feels babe is much nicer than sweetie. I spoke to my district manager for advice because I would like to keep this in the store. He was very kind and told me basically I 'am' the strong, confident woman I think I am, and for me to sit down with him and the offender and lay it out there for him. The downfall is I have let this get to me so much I can't think about it without crying. Crazy I know. I have given him the benefit of the doubt so many times, he is younger than I so its not an 'age' thing. I don't get bent out over this stuff, I live in the south, its not a huge deal for me to hear that from people because that is what they do.

But...its the tone he says it in. And it 'feels' like he is constantly looking to make me look bad so he looks good. In the end he is stupid enough to believe that I am not professional enough not to know how to handle something...or maybe he wants me to break down and cry. Its like a personal pride thing with me now. I don't want to have a sit down with his boss and me and him. I want to be able to handle it. Or maybe I don't want to confront him because he will probably make my life a living hell. Which I will go to HR with immediately without a doubt.

The whole point I guess is that I have always been treated as a 'peer' and not as 'the little lady' and it really is causing me a bit of distress.

Kelly

 

[FireDancer]

I opened this thread getting all ready to read something about the Kama Sutra and was terribly disappointed.

I am not sure what to tell you though. I am a pretty sarcastic person so I would probably start calling him and asking him to do everything because "I'm far too little and sweet to do it myself" and see if he gets the hint.

 

[java]

Isn't this a HR issue now? I would go talk with them. Let them handle it. To me that's sexual harassment- someone trying to keep you down because of your sex.

I had a similar situation years ago. I was the only woman on an investment sales desk. There was ONE guy that did that to me. We were equal on the job ladder- which bugged the heck out of him. Constantly belittling me with the "sweetie" comments. It offended me and upset me. I still remember that feeling.
With him - I went to him and addressed the issue straight away. I told him I did not appreciate the way he was speaking to me and if he continued I would take it to our boss in another state. I told him he could refer to me by my first name. If he couldn't handle that he could use "Miss Java's last name" instead
It stopped.
I am sure he still hated me- but at least I didn't have to hear it anymore.

 

[Rora]

I opened this thread getting all ready to read something about the Kama Sutra and was terribly disappointed.

On a more serious note OP, I'm pretty sure this could be labeled as sexual harassment. I can't imagine how annoying and frustrating this would be! I wish I had advice to give..

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is harassement at this point because you know he would rather say the B word if he could.

 

[kellyg403]

Isn't this a HR issue now? I would go talk with them. Let them handle it. To me that's sexual harassment- someone trying to keep you down because of your sex.

I had a similar situation years ago. I was the only woman on an investment sales desk. There was ONE guy that did that to me. We were equal on the job ladder- which bugged the heck out of him. Constantly belittling me with the "sweetie" comments. It offended me and upset me. I still remember that feeling.
With him - I went to him and addressed the issue straight away. I told him I did not appreciate the way he was speaking to me and if he continued I would take it to our boss in another state. I told him he could refer to me by my first name. If he couldn't handle that he could use "Miss Java's last name" instead
It stopped.
I am sure he still hated me- but at least I didn't have to hear it anymore.

See, thats the thing. The last time I was sarcastic and said "My name is Kelly, please respect my mother and use it. If you can't Ms. G will be fine" So then he calls me 'babe'???? I have tried in so many ways to think o.k. you have met your first clueless person...for real.

Just odd that it is affecting me so much. And its not really an HR issue since we have an 'open door' policy meaning we have to go through the chain. The DM is my next 'chain' so in speaking to him, I wanted to get out there the problem, how to solve it without a lot of problems etc. Basically I want to find the solution myself. I don't want him to lose his job or be demoted I just want him to STOP. So much so I am thinking I am taking it way tooooo personally. I am not a crier so for it to get that far...just an odd situation.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hmm, I have had this before back when I worked. Why don't you just stop him in his tracks as soon as he says it with a pointed, "I am not your sweetie. I am not your mother, wife, girlfriend or daughter so please do not refer to me in such a familiar way." Another tactic is to call him "sweetie pie" right back, or you can use "kiddo" or "dear" which are equally emasculating. You could also go with "No-one gets to call me that but my DH and Daddy and since you aren't one of them I'd really like it if you didn't."

Every time he does it repeat yourself and at some point there will be no way for him to deny he is being a jerk. It is much more likely he will stop so he is no longer embarrassed in front of other people. Oh, being public is part of it. If he dares to say things to you publicly then you should not wait to address it privately. Whether you realize it or not you are being submissive to him every time you let it slide, or give him the benefit of a private conversation. You are probably feeling uncomfortable because of your ongoing situation but don't allow that to effect you professionally, he is taking advantage of your vulnerability and it's not cool at all. Unfortunately, all subtlety is lost on certain people and then you need to be a hammer. You go girl! Be the hammer!

 

[kellyg403]

I opened this thread getting all ready to read something about the Kama Sutra and was terribly disappointed.

I am not sure what to tell you though. I am a pretty sarcastic person so I would probably start calling him and asking him to do everything because "I'm far too little and sweet to do it myself" and see if he gets the hint.

Trust me if it were some Kama Sutra thing...I wouldn't be typing. I would still be figuring out how to get out of the darn position before the kids got home from school...

Sarcastic tried and not worked. I also can be pretty darn sarcastic so I find it odd that he doesn't pick up on it.


Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

It is harassement at this point because you know he would rather say the B word if he could.

Ahh...maybe? Sometimes it feels more like his inner voice is saying 'stupid girl, doesnt she know how to do anything"....that kind of voice.

Kelly

 

[LuvOrlando]

It has nothing to do with whether or not you are stupid and everything to do with power, and you are giving him all of it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ahh...maybe? Sometimes it feels more like his inner voice is saying 'stupid girl, doesnt she know how to do anything"....that kind of voice.

Kelly

So maybe the "C" word then? Can you write him up?

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

I think I would lay it out for him like this, "Sweetie, babe, dear, honey, etc are off limits. Please use my name. Your familiar terms make me uncomfortable and if you do not cease and desist, we'll be having this conversation with the DM. Period."

I'm pretty sure he doesn't want it to go further. Stick to your guns. I'm not one to get easily offended about things, but this would really offend me, too.

 

[PaulaSB12]

I recently went back to my old job. I had decided to quit about 18 months ago when it became very difficult to take care of mother who was going through breast cancer and working the full amount of hours needed for my position. I also, sometimes, had to leave at a moments notice to get to my mom. She wouldn't move closer to me so it was a three hour drive. She ended up in the hospital a few times etc. Anyway, to make a very long story short, I came back as an associate in Oct and then in Dec they convinced me to take my old position back as that person was no longer there. Other managers had changed but the top guy was the one I worked with before and he was the one who did the most convincing and worked really hard to get the money I needed. My one problem is the other manager. I am the only female management there out of the 4 of us. This particular mgr, who technically is above me, calls me sweetheart, sweetie. Its not the names per se, its the condensending attitude. Like 'it'll be o.k. little lady'. I have asked him to stop. I have been nice, kind, snarky, sarcastic and quite rude. After our last conversation, I called him for something and he said what ya need babe. So, I guess he feels babe is much nicer than sweetie. I spoke to my district manager for advice because I would like to keep this in the store. He was very kind and told me basically I 'am' the strong, confident woman I think I am, and for me to sit down with him and the offender and lay it out there for him. The downfall is I have let this get to me so much I can't think about it without crying. Crazy I know. I have given him the benefit of the doubt so many times, he is younger than I so its not an 'age' thing. I don't get bent out over this stuff, I live in the south, its not a huge deal for me to hear that from people because that is what they do.

But...its the tone he says it in. And it 'feels' like he is constantly looking to make me look bad so he looks good. In the end he is stupid enough to believe that I am not professional enough not to know how to handle something...or maybe he wants me to break down and cry. Its like a personal pride thing with me now. I don't want to have a sit down with his boss and me and him. I want to be able to handle it. Or maybe I don't want to confront him because he will probably make my life a living hell. Which I will go to HR with immediately without a doubt.

The whole point I guess is that I have always been treated as a 'peer' and not as 'the little lady' and it really is causing me a bit of distress.

Kelly

So apart from being called sweetie, how does he treat you? Is he an older man? I have found that some of them do call you sweetie without meaning anything. Maybe its because of the kinds of places that I have worked that has never bothered me. I would relax try ignoring it don't give him the pleasure of knowing that he is rattling you.

 

[WDWorBUST]

See, thats the thing. The last time I was sarcastic and said "My name is Kelly, please respect my mother and use it. If you can't Ms. G will be fine" So then he calls me 'babe'???? I have tried in so many ways to think o.k. you have met your first clueless person...for real.

Just odd that it is affecting me so much. And its not really an HR issue since we have an 'open door' policy meaning we have to go through the chain. The DM is my next 'chain' so in speaking to him, I wanted to get out there the problem, how to solve it without a lot of problems etc. Basically I want to find the solution myself. I don't want him to lose his job or be demoted I just want him to STOP. So much so I am thinking I am taking it way tooooo personally. I am not a crier so for it to get that far...just an odd situation.

I work in HR and we have an "open door" policy.....however HR always falls outside of the chain of command. Your company may be different.....but it's something to possibly inquire about. I think at this point you have tried to handle it and I know in our company we would want to know at this point because it is harassment and it needs to stop.

 

[loveysbydesign]

I would think this would fall under harassment as he is not speaking to you in a professional matter!

 

[Handbag Lady]

Sit him down and tell him he is no longer calling you those names.

The very next time he uses them, do not respond. If it is on the phone, hang up.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP wrote: But...its the tone he says it in. And it 'feels' like he is constantly looking to make me look bad so he looks good. In the end he is stupid enough to believe that I am not professional enough not to know how to handle something...or maybe he wants me to break down and cry. Its like a personal pride thing with me now. I don't want to have a sit down with his boss and me and him. I want to be able to handle it. Or maybe I don't want to confront him because he will probably make my life a living hell. Which I will go to HR with immediately without a doubt.

The whole point I guess is that I have always been treated as a 'peer' and not as 'the little lady' and it really is causing me a bit of distress.

This is exactly what you must do to nip this in the bud!

TC

 

[kellyg403]

So apart from being called sweetie, how does he treat you? Is he an older man? I have found that some of them do call you sweetie without meaning anything. Maybe its because of the kinds of places that I have worked that has never bothered me. I would relax try ignoring it don't give him the pleasure of knowing that he is rattling you.

Ah...the stories I could tell! The reality is that he is younger than I am. I am not the type of person who gets offended easily so I was taken aback initially when I felt so strongly about it. I get called, sug, honey, darling, dear daily by people and it does not bother me. Its just a Southern thing. I tried to pretend that I didn't hear that little bit of something in his tone that made me feel, oh I don't know, like a kid or something. I tried the ignoring thing starting in Dec when I took over and in the last month I just can't take it anymore.

And yes, he does harbor ill will. My talk with the dm came about initially because of a situation that Mr Sweetie tried to lay on my doorstep. However, I made sure and clear in a very professional way that I did my part and Mr Sweetie dropped the ball. The DM agreed with me and did tell me that I handled it professionally and exactly as I should have.

There is absolutely no love lost here. Professionaly I don't find him suited for his position because I find him lazy. I don't bring personal to work so its all professional. He is NOT a team player and he does not understand the concept that we are all in it together.

But, with all things, I know the road to solving this would not be easy and I was hoping to solve it without burning bridges. Who knows how things would shake out. The DM asked me if I was feeling harrassed and I told him I don't actually feel harrassed, I can't even put into words what I feel. Other than he is out to get me and thats not something I am trying to convey. I am of the mind those kinds of people ALWAYS shoot themselves in the foot. I just have never been on the receiving end. I have never, never had an issue with superiors, peers, or subordinates. I am always trying to find the right course of action. This time I can't....

 

[disykat]

I think the DM dropped the ball and should be the one counseling him on this issue. Personally, I backtrack and tell the DM I'd like to pursue this as a harassment issue. You've already told him to use your name, you made it clear, saying it again isn't going to change anything IMO.

 

[Northstar]

And yes, he does harbor ill will. My talk with the dm came about initially because of a situation that Mr Sweetie tried to lay on my doorstep. However, I made sure and clear in a very professional way that I did my part and Mr Sweetie dropped the ball. The DM agreed with me and did tell me that I handled it professionally and exactly as I should have.

There is absolutely no love lost here. Professionaly I don't find him suited for his position because I find him lazy. I don't bring personal to work so its all professional. He is NOT a team player and he does not understand the concept that we are all in it together.

But, with all things, I know the road to solving this would not be easy and I was hoping to solve it without burning bridges. Who knows how things would shake out. The DM asked me if I was feeling harrassed and I told him I don't actually feel harrassed, I can't even put into words what I feel. Other than he is out to get me and thats not something I am trying to convey. I am of the mind those kinds of people ALWAYS shoot themselves in the foot. I just have never been on the receiving end. I have never, never had an issue with superiors, peers, or subordinates. I am always trying to find the right course of action. This time I can't....

It's definitely time to have the sitdown with the DM and the two of you! There is ill will and he is trying to niggle away at you. But in the meeting, you must NOT cry. This is war and you must be a warrior! Take the battle to him by focusing on his behavior and not on your feelings or his feelings. Throw the words "professional behavior" and "good professional work environment" around a lot. It's not professional to address work colleagues as "babe." It gives the impression that your office is a place where babes and good ol' boys hang out, instead of a hard-working efficient work environment. He needs to respect the work environment and keep his personal feelings out of his work relationships.

Be strong and cool and don't try to get him to like you! Just get him to see that you are not a pushover and you will insist on him treating you with respect.