So I find myself in a strange position! WWYD

[kellyg403]

It's definitely time to have the sitdown with the DM and the two of you! There is ill will and he is trying to niggle away at you. But in the meeting, you must NOT cry. This is war and you must be a warrior! Take the battle to him by focusing on his behavior and not on your feelings or his feelings. Throw the words "professional behavior" and "good professional work environment" around a lot. It's not professional to address work colleagues as "babe." It gives the impression that your office is a place where babes and good ol' boys hang out, instead of a hard-working efficient work environment. He needs to respect the work environment and keep his personal feelings out of his work relationships.

Be strong and cool and don't try to get him to like you! Just get him to see that you are not a pushover and you will insist on him treating you with respect.

Thank you...I know you are right. Now to get my emotions in check. I guess never having this happen to me I just don't know how to push forward. I don't necessarily want to like him or him to like me, but heck someday he could be somebody in charge since I don't make those decisions. Just thinking about him being my boss...ugghhh. I saw a situatin a few years back where someone went into a position that I was thinking how in the heck they got there. But, I figured the guy in charge knew way better than I did what the position took. So, that is more my dilemma here. I don't think it will be a situation where anything will happen to him and possibly in the future he and I will find ourselves together again. Yet at the same time I have no desire to limit myself or be someone that can't work for/with anyone. My reputation is based on being a teamplayer, honest, reliable and hardworker. I just feel that somehow this situation could turn into something I am not prepared for. And I don't like that. Heck, I am a planner why else would I be on the Disboards????

Kelly

 

[SC Minnie]

I think I would lay it out for him like this, "Sweetie, babe, dear, honey, etc are off limits. Please use my name. Your familiar terms make me uncomfortable and if you do not cease and desist, we'll be having this conversation with the DM. Period."

I'm pretty sure he doesn't want it to go further. Stick to your guns. I'm not one to get easily offended about things, but this would really offend me, too.

This.

I am southern too but I don't tolerate these types of 'terms of endearment' in a professional setting by my peers. When I used to work with the public sometimes a customer would call me dear or sweetie but never, ever a peer and most definitely not a superior.

 

[diznygirl]

Thank you...I know you are right. Now to get my emotions in check. I guess never having this happen to me I just don't know how to push forward. I don't necessarily want to like him or him to like me, but heck someday he could be somebody in charge since I don't make those decisions. Just thinking about him being my boss...ugghhh. I saw a situatin a few years back where someone went into a position that I was thinking how in the heck they got there. But, I figured the guy in charge knew way better than I did what the position took. So, that is more my dilemma here. I don't think it will be a situation where anything will happen to him and possibly in the future he and I will find ourselves together again. Yet at the same time I have no desire to limit myself or be someone that can't work for/with anyone. My reputation is based on being a teamplayer, honest, reliable and hardworker. I just feel that somehow this situation could turn into something I am not prepared for. And I don't like that. Heck, I am a planner why else would I be on the Disboards????

Kelly

Plan out what you are going to say in the meeting. Act it out before hand. If you o in prepared then you are more likely to keep your emotions in check. Obviously you have not gotten through to him and the next step of meeting with the DM is required.

 

[Disney Doll]

If it is bothering you, you need to stop it and not worry about what ifs. He's not the manager. If he becomes the manager, then you can quit. Sometimes it's OK to burn a bridge. I've done it and lived. My career has survived.

It's quite simple...either go up the chain of command or go to HR. Keep your nose clean, do your work, behave in a professional manner and he will hang himself.

There is the other tactic of public embarrassment...every time he calls you "babe", no matter where you are, no matter who's around, say "You may speak to me when you can speak to me in a professional manner. I've told you this numerous times and you don't seem to be getting it". Then walk away. That way, HE'S the one who looks stupid and "thick".

 

[LuvOrlando]

It may be just my 2 cents but don't you think you should be a little concerned as a manager with needing help from a higher up to defend you against an equal? This person has no position of authority over you, right? He's not being disgusting or crude or breaking any rules. He's just invading your own boundaries, unless there is other stuff you have left out.

DH works with a lot of female execs and any guy would have to be out of his mind to disrespect any of them, I've met these women and they would tear anyone up if they dared disrespect them. For heavens sake, I would go up one side and come down the other on any man who dared to speak to me in a way I did not want to be spoken to and I'm not posturing, just telling it like it is. The damsel in distress thing works in many places, at Home Depot if you want help getting something into your car, with a nice policeman if you are 3 miles over the speed limit or even with my DH or DS if I want help getting the groceries in the house but if you want to be taken seriously by the DM it won't work here. How can you be expected to keep subordinates in line if you can't deal with an equal? How can you ever be considered for a higher up job, possibly as this guys superior if you can't deal with him now?

Ask the DM to save you if you must but in my opinion you must also be prepared for the consequences and I happen to think one of the consequences will be you installing a glass ceiling right over your own head. BTW, HR is not there for you, it's HR's job to protect the company and they do this by being the good cop in the good cop-bad cop scenario. They collect the info from you because you think they are on your side but at the end of the day they get rid of whoever the bigger liability happens to be and in this case nothing he has said would look too menacing on paper.

Still, as a woman I want to be supportive so if you really feel powerless Good luck with HR and the DM, just be careful

 

[princessmom29]

At this point, it fits the legal definition of harassment because you have tyold him it makes you uncomfortable and he continues to do it. I would present it as such to both the offender am the DM. He has to stop, and the company has to see to it that he stops or is terminated, or they are legally liable.

 

[Gigi22]

How about saying to Mr. Idiot, "I have already explained to you that I find your use of overly familiar terms objectionable, and I have told you that you must stop. You have ignored my request. Therefore I have taken this issue to your boss. I am now documenting your behaviour with a view to suing you." Then take out your pen, and document him to his face.

 

[PatsGirl]

Wow, I had something on the tip of my keyboard but figured it wasn't worth the points. Let's just say, it is only four words XXXX XXX XXXX XX! but it should definately get the point across that you have no desire to acknowledge this idiot

 

[WDWorBUST]

BTW, HR is not there for you, it's HR's job to protect the company and they do this by being the good cop in the good cop-bad cop scenario. They collect the info from you because you think they are on your side but at the end of the day they get rid of whoever the bigger liability happens to be and in this case nothing he has said would look too menacing on paper.

Still, as a woman I want to be supportive so if you really feel powerless Good luck with HR and the DM, just be careful

Maybe your HR department doesn't care....but many do. More importantly no matter where they fall they would be crazy not to take care of a situation that can clearly be labeled as sexual harassment. With the current economic climate employees are taking every opportunity to sue even over bogus crap....a real claim is a goldmine.

 

[TheZue]

I would do two things. First start documenting when and what he says to you. Second go back to your DM and let him know you have tried to handle it yourself, and it isn't working and if something isn't done you'll be going further up the ladder. None of this is your fault, he is saying things to you that he wouldn't dream of saying to a male, it's completely sexist and unacceptable. Also, just a random thought as one cryer to another, I cry at the drop of a hat the week before that time of the month...you might try to avoid getting into a meeting around then if that's the case for you too.

 

[MandM3]

Mr Sweetie

Start calling him this all the time. If he's changed it to Babe, then call him Mr Babe. Openly laugh at him and his cheap attempts to put you down. He'll hate it. Empower yourself!

 

[Planogirl]

Definitely tell him to stop and don't back down. If you have a good HR department then speak to someone there about this.

I feel for you. It's aggravating to listen to nonsense like this.

 

[kellyg403]

It may be just my 2 cents but don't you think you should be a little concerned as a manager with needing help from a higher up to defend you against an equal? This person has no position of authority over you, right? He's not being disgusting or crude or breaking any rules. He's just invading your own boundaries, unless there is other stuff you have left out.

DH works with a lot of female execs and any guy would have to be out of his mind to disrespect any of them, I've met these women and they would tear anyone up if they dared disrespect them. For heavens sake, I would go up one side and come down the other on any man who dared to speak to me in a way I did not want to be spoken to and I'm not posturing, just telling it like it is. The damsel in distress thing works in many places, at Home Depot if you want help getting something into your car, with a nice policeman if you are 3 miles over the speed limit or even with my DH or DS if I want help getting the groceries in the house but if you want to be taken seriously by the DM it won't work here. How can you be expected to keep subordinates in line if you can't deal with an equal? How can you ever be considered for a higher up job, possibly as this guys superior if you can't deal with him now?

Ask the DM to save you if you must but in my opinion you must also be prepared for the consequences and I happen to think one of the consequences will be you installing a glass ceiling right over your own head. BTW, HR is not there for you, it's HR's job to protect the company and they do this by being the good cop in the good cop-bad cop scenario. They collect the info from you because you think they are on your side but at the end of the day they get rid of whoever the bigger liability happens to be and in this case nothing he has said would look too menacing on paper.

Still, as a woman I want to be supportive so if you really feel powerless Good luck with HR and the DM, just be careful

This. This is it in a nutshell. I do NOT want to be viewed as the damsel in distress. I have never, in 11 years gone to the dm with a situation. I have always handled things. I have never been disciplined and have been told that I can start the move up anytime I am ready to go ahead. I have held back because it would require more time than I am ready to give with kids, even though they are teens. I have tried to convey throughout the years that I am a strong, confident woman. I have been respected by all my superiors throughout the years and have fabulous working relationships, even with the VP and the DM. I have never had an HR complaint by me or about me because I try to treat everyone respectfully. This is why, when the DM came by today to discuss the other issue with me, I asked him if off the record we could speak and he could possibly offer me some advice as I had not faced this before. We have known each other a long time so I knew he would do exactly as I asked, give me advice and keep it confidential.

So yeah, the whole thing in a nutshell is I am concerned that if I do elevate the complaint I will place myself in a position to be labeled and limit my opportunities.

Thank you for putting into words what I could not! And you are right it is not the words...its the totally disrespectful attitude and tone. To a certain degree I feel it is a male/female thing then on the other hand I wonder if he feels threatened to a certain degree as I know certain things that were brought to me in confidence by our immediate supervisor. I know that he has been disciplined on several occasions in the last 6 months for unprofessional things he has done or lack of work being completed. Easily, if our team each does their work completely and helps each other with what is left we would be like gold. He prefers to not do his work and delegate it, but if its not right finger point. Not a good team player.

And technically, in my professional mindset, if I can not handle this how can I possibly have the right skills to move forward as this will probably be something I will encounter again. This is it. This is where I learn how to say No, you may not treat me disrespectfully. Thats how I want to do it. Not HR or a sitdown with the DM for back up. I think if I can do it without involving other parties I can avoid a label.
Kelly

Kelly

 

[OceanAnnie]

How about saying to Mr. Idiot, "I have already explained to you that I find your use of overly familiar terms objectionable, and I have told you that you must stop. You have ignored my request. Therefore I have taken this issue to your boss. I am now documenting your behaviour with a view to suing you." Then take out your pen, and document him to his face.

I agree with being super firm and documenting.

The problem is his lack of cooperation. You can't make him cooperate. He probably won't cooperate because of the very fact he doesn't respect you. It's a vicious circle.

Does he do this in front of others? You might want to close ranks and tell others in advance that you plan to call him on it in front of others when he does it, and invite them to chastise him as well. The number of people confronting him and the "shunning" would send a loud message.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Maybe your HR department doesn't care....but many do. More importantly no matter where they fall they would be crazy not to take care of a situation that can clearly be labeled as sexual harassment. With the current economic climate employees are taking every opportunity to sue even over bogus crap....a real claim is a goldmine.

My DH works closely with the Legal Dpt of his company and while the people who work there may think they are doing the people a favor they are, in actuality, collecting info that the company can use to defend itself at later date. The stuff the lawyers have as ammunition as a result of HR data is unbelievable.

When people are harassed, they are harassed by other people. But when people sue, they sue the company not the person. Companies know this and go to great lengths to protect themselves. Hiring smooshy HR reps with a kind face and a soft shoulder to cry on is a strategy to get people to lay down their guard and spill the beans. I see it from the other side, don't kid yourself that the organization has a heart. It's there to be profitable, no more & no less and any threats to the bottom line are dealt with one way or another.

 

[LuvOrlando]

This. This is it in a nutshell. I do NOT want to be viewed as the damsel in distress. I have never, in 11 years gone to the dm with a situation. I have always handled things. I have never been disciplined and have been told that I can start the move up anytime I am ready to go ahead. I have held back because it would require more time than I am ready to give with kids, even though they are teens. I have tried to convey throughout the years that I am a strong, confident woman. I have been respected by all my superiors throughout the years and have fabulous working relationships, even with the VP and the DM. I have never had an HR complaint by me or about me because I try to treat everyone respectfully. This is why, when the DM came by today to discuss the other issue with me, I asked him if off the record we could speak and he could possibly offer me some advice as I had not faced this before. We have known each other a long time so I knew he would do exactly as I asked, give me advice and keep it confidential.

So yeah, the whole thing in a nutshell is I am concerned that if I do elevate the complaint I will place myself in a position to be labeled and limit my opportunities.

Thank you for putting into words what I could not! And you are right it is not the words...its the totally disrespectful attitude and tone. To a certain degree I feel it is a male/female thing then on the other hand I wonder if he feels threatened to a certain degree as I know certain things that were brought to me in confidence by our immediate supervisor. I know that he has been disciplined on several occasions in the last 6 months for unprofessional things he has done or lack of work being completed. Easily, if our team each does their work completely and helps each other with what is left we would be like gold. He prefers to not do his work and delegate it, but if its not right finger point. Not a good team player.

And technically, in my professional mindset, if I can not handle this how can I possibly have the right skills to move forward as this will probably be something I will encounter again. This is it. This is where I learn how to say No, you may not treat me disrespectfully. Thats how I want to do it. Not HR or a sitdown with the DM for back up. I think if I can do it without involving other parties I can avoid a label.
Kelly

Kelly

I'm relieved you understand where I am coming from. I was worried I might be coming off to harsh but, on the other hand, I know how the sorts or women who get into high ranking positions at DH's company have a particular mind-set and asking for help is not a part of it. It's unfortunate some men are as lowly as this guy you have to deal with, but the world is a big place and they are in it.

Whatever you choose to do I think it would be wise to do some role playing over the weekend and practice some canned responses to his inevitable attempts to diminish you. The last thing you want to do is flubb your moment.

From the bottom of my heart, good luck.

 

[Jewel1310]

Kelly sorry you are going through this stress at work that is playing on your emotions. I understand how frustrating it is when you want to handle something on your own and it is not working as expected. Does he use these terms with other women in the office (I know you are the only female peer, but what about other women employees?)

What would happen if you asked him "Hey (offender name) I am curious. You know that I don't like it when you call me sweetie or babe and that I would prefer you call me by my name. Why do you still keep doing it? Seems a little odd to me. So (offender name) help me to understand why you keep calling me sweetie or babe?" then smile nicely and let it stay unpleasantly quiet until he answers.

You wouldn't really be wanting his reason but for him to have to explain his bad behavior.

There is no shame in going to a superior. I do agree that as a manager you should be able to handle most things on your own but not everything. Your boss is responsible for his employees which would include you and the offender. Your boss's job is to make sure that you and the other person are behaving appropriately. If you can't work it out he should intervene and ensure a professional environment.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Kelly sorry you are going through this stress at work that is playing on your emotions. I understand how frustrating it is when you want to handle something on your own and it is not working as expected. Does he use these terms with other women in the office (I know you are the only female peer, but what about other women employees?)

What would happen if you asked him "Hey (offender name) I am curious. You know that I don't like it when you call me sweetie or babe and that I would prefer you call me by my name. Why do you still keep doing it? Seems a little odd to me. So (offender name) help me to understand why you keep calling me sweetie or babe?" then smile nicely and let it stay unpleasantly quiet until he answers.

You wouldn't really be wanting his reason but for him to have to explain his bad behavior.

There is no shame in going to a superior. I do agree that as a manager you should be able to handle most things on your own but not everything. Your boss is responsible for his employees which would include you and the offender. Your boss's job is to make sure that you and the other person are behaving appropriately. If you can't work it out he should intervene and ensure a professional environment.

ITA. You have done the proper things. The offender is not responding. You have done what you can do. There are ways of continuing to try, but ultimately he will probably need someone from higher up to set the boundaries. He isn't responding to you and he probably thinks he doesn't have to. That's the way he is operating.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

You have told him you do not like his behavior, and you have told him to stop.

If you can, send an email to him to that effect the very next time he calls you an inappropriate name. In that email, reference that this is not the first time you've requested he use your name and no other word when addressing you, and that this email serves as your written request that he cease.

Then, if and only if you actually will, you can notify his supervisor (if he continues to call you those stupid names) that you are seeking legal advice. Tell his supervisor that you are concerned as you feel it is between you and the co-worker but it could be interpreted that since nothing is being done, a hostile work environment has been allowed to exist...

Or, if you are not willing to seek independent council, then talk with your HR and let them know that you are not willing to continue to be addressed by this person. The TONE is the key here, and he's using it because he thinks he can get away with it. The FACT is that you've asked him to stop and he has not.

Good luck to you. I think that your never having to go through something like this, or to seek assistance to handle a work relationship will speak well for you. It's not like you have a history...

I would love to tell you that it won't rebound on you, but it may. That's one of those miserable facts of life.

But what are your choices?

 

[kellyg403]

I'm relieved you understand where I am coming from. I was worried I might be coming off to harsh but, on the other hand, I know how the sorts or women who get into high ranking positions at DH's company have a particular mind-set and asking for help is not a part of it. It's unfortunate some men are as lowly as this guy you have to deal with, but the world is a big place and they are in it.

Whatever you choose to do I think it would be wise to do some role playing over the weekend and practice some canned responses to his inevitable attempts to diminish you. The last thing you want to do is flubb your moment.

From the bottom of my heart, good luck.

No, not harsh. Completely truthful and honest. I do not offend easily. As a matter of fact, I am very good (normally) with 'that would be your problem not mine" when it comes to most offensive situations. KWIM? I very rarely take anything personally at work. I compartmentalize...work is work, home is home. I do not take personal things to work and except for this situation, rarely take work home. My one downfall, and it is probably not beneficial in this situation, is that I respect superiors always. No matter what I think of them on a personal level, they get respect because they are where they are. I have never worked with someone who has no idea how to leave things at home and work at work. I believe, personally, that this began to be an issue really in Feb when he was having daycare issues and was not coming in on time etc. He was called out for it. He then took to using others as babysitters, including some in my direct line of supervision. The young lady came to me and explained what was going on, he wouldn't take no, he was constantly calling her to please find him a sitter etc. So, one day he yelled at me, in front of others, because I did not change the schedule of oneof the girls who was to watch his children. I calmly explained that I was running a business not a daycare and that he possibly needed to see his supervisor and work out a schedule that works for him. Since that day, the tide has changed. I embarrassed him. So, since then he has done little and big things that well, look like I am incompetent but once I am asked what happened and I explain my part it ends up making him look not so good. They always come to me and ask what happens so I am of the mind that by now he should know I will not cover for him and my reputation for being honest and responsible is not diminshed because he seems to try to.

Kelly